Ballast I am in a similar situation with similar questions this is a great thread as you seem to be more articulate and less panicked than I am when I post. Accuray your insight is exactly the information I was looking for. Currently dark myself and struggling....wondering if too much time has past for things to be fixed.
M 40 W 34 Together 7 Married 2 No Kids BD 1/18 need space Moved out 2/18 ILYBNILWY & Asked for D 3/18 W filed for D 6/18 D final 10/18
All...one other question to my previous post on different approach to W with or without A/OM
If an issue was lack of sex/alpha male behavior...what/how can an LBS address those? Doing/thinking more alpha like and less beta can be developed, but the WW if physically apart and not intimate, won't it be impossible for those changes to be recognized?
Struggling to see how any of the BD actions can do much to address this major issue of the M.
ballast, we all go through the "our sitch is unique" thinking. The DBing techniques used will need to be adjusted a bit. I'm a big proponent of "one size doesn't fit all". For instance, if someone were physically abusive to your wife then 180ing, GAL, and detachment probably aren't going to heal the physical and emotional scars that go along with physical abuse.
But remember, even DBing techniques vary by person and sitch. Th e 180s I needed to make aren't necessarily the same ones you need to make and vice-versa.
But nothing in what you mention, SSM or alpha male behavior, changes what you need to do. Detach. 180s. GAL. The folks that have been around for a while will tell you that those 3 things work in the vast majority of the cases, even if it doesn't lead back to R.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
180s are really a simple concept. Find the things you did before in your MR that didn't work, and stop doing them. Replace them with behaviors that work.
In my sitch, due to a job that was very stressful and that I was working sometimes 90-100 hours/week, and averaged 60+/week, I would come home very grumpy. I'd go around the house nitpicking my wife about the things she didn't do. I'd nag my daughter about not putting things away, and her room. I was the typical jerk husband/father that didn't even say hi before he went into his criticisms.
I also would go to the master bedroom, turn on the TV and veg out. I didn't want to interact with my W and D. After I had my few minutes of criticizing, I went into the bedroom and didn't come out except to get something to eat or drink.
My first 180s were to come home upbeat and positive. And I would change out of my office clothes and immediately come into the common areas of the house and interact with my W and D.
Obviously they were both leery of these changes being permanent. But as I've been consistent since the end of Dec, I think my W has come to accept it as the new norm. My D is still rebelling against it a bit, I think to test if it is really real or not.
Edit - Steve - do not put links outside of DB on the forum, I am going to leave this one but different people will get different results from google depending on what is in their browser. If you want to add the DB links that is - OK Cadet
Last edited by Cadet; 04/25/1801:08 AM.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I don't have proof that W has an A/OM, so is there a difference in approach between a W with an A/OM vs a W who just got tired of the M and left? If so, how is it different? Any links/threads that my enlighten me would be great.
An A/OM is usually a cushion for a relationship exit so the departing spouse doesn't feel so scared and alone. Therefore what you should do and how you should act doesn't change at all. The only thing to be aware of is that if there is an A/OM then any pursuing behaviors from you will make things even worse than if there were not an A/OM, so don't pursue.
Secondly, W can't see you at all, or any changes you are or have made, until the A/OM has run its course and has ended, so you need to be patient.
Not pursuing and being patient are what you have to do anyway, so there is no difference in prescription.
If W begins to openly disrespect you with OM, then you do need to stand up for yourself, but we can cross that bridge when we come to it.
Originally Posted By: ballast
If an issue was lack of sex/alpha male behavior...what/how can an LBS address those? Doing/thinking more alpha like and less beta can be developed, but the WW if physically apart and not intimate, won't it be impossible for those changes to be recognized?
Alpha/beta is a tricky area because you need to stay true to who you are as a person. The way that you are is not wrong -- it may no longer be compatible with what W wants in the future, but that doesn't make it wrong or bad.
If *you* think you're not assertive enough, and want to make changes for your own benefit, then you should do it, but that's a totally different equation than trying to be more alpha in a bid to get W back. The first course of action will have a long term impact on all your relationships, the second won't do anything but make you feel unworthy and unsuccessful.
If you get in better physical shape, dress better, carry yourself in a more confident fashion, speak more assertively, W will notice, everyone will notice. Don't worry about that.
The key is not to "peacock your changes" in front of her because that will destroy your credibility and come across as a pathetic attempt to win her back.
You need to live your changes when no one is looking, that's the only way they will ever be real to anyone.
Remember: that's assuming you want to make changes. You don't need to. It's a personal decision that needs to be for you.
In my case, the process of going through DB *did* provide motivation to change things in my life that needed changing, and that's a gift I took away from the process that I'll have forever. Humans hate change, so having the pain in your life to motivate change can be considered a good think in the long run. The gift of hindsight will eventually show you that.
No matter what happens you'll be fine, you'll be happy again. You will heal and move on, either with the same partner or with a new one, but the fact that you will be fine and survive this is a certainty.
Acc
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
