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Originally Posted By: Steve85
dmoy, would it be safe to say you are a very reactive person? As in if someone pushes you, you push back? If someone disses you you diss back? If someone insults you, you insult back?

I am the same way, that is why I recognize it in you. That is why you are doing this passive-aggressive "hey're getting dropped off tonight and I'm not even going to get out of the car." Is that really the reaction that will get you ahead?

You should have validated when she texted you: "nd pushed for me to drop off and not hang out because she perceives that as the source of the problems." You should have responded with a validating response (see the sticky on validation). If she responded to validation, validate again.

Tonight when you drop the kids off, go in. Say goodnight to them. And leave in a timely manner. She'll be the one that deals with the fallout from the kids not getting their normal routine. Don't be angry. Don't be pouty. Don't be passive-aggressive. Interact with her the way you normally do, but read the thread on detachment and put it into practice.

I think you'll get more mileage out of DBing than you will out of being passive-aggressive and reactionary.


Steve,

I wouldn't say it's reactive in the sense I read your examples (tit for tat) but I would say the pendulum swings have been extreme at times even though I'm getting better.

You're right on lack of validation. I'm still struggling with that and usually realize after rather than during a conversation. I did have a good validation/empathy convo this past week where she explained something to me and I validated.

One thing I had forgotten last night was that she told me she didn't sleep for a few hours the night before. I should have kept in mind she was tired and just never had the conversation I tried to have.

I'd love nothing more than to go in and say goodnight but I have a feeling it may stop at the porch. She's met me on the porch once or twice before and cut me off from even going inside. The whole "daddy won't be allowed inside" is something she's told the kids a few times in the past week, but I had only heard through the kids. Last night was the first time she actually said it to me.

Nevertheless, taking them to the porch and acting nice would be better than staying in the van and acting passive aggressive.


M:33 W:36
T:10 M:7
D8, D6
EA->PA (me) July/Aug '16
W move out 8/30/16
Recon M 9/7/16
S0 (miscarried) 9/13/16
W moved back 9/17/16
BD/WAW 6/24/17 while out of town
Home to empty apartment 6/27/17
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dmoy Offline OP
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joejoe,

Thanks for the kind words. The changes have been for me, and have been good. I think I just stress myself out trying to work on things faster. Circumstances like daughter having unknown medical condition hasn't helped either.

I need to stop and validate regardless. Sometimes I'm my own worst enemy when talking rather than just validating and shutting my mouth.


M:33 W:36
T:10 M:7
D8, D6
EA->PA (me) July/Aug '16
W move out 8/30/16
Recon M 9/7/16
S0 (miscarried) 9/13/16
W moved back 9/17/16
BD/WAW 6/24/17 while out of town
Home to empty apartment 6/27/17
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"Nevertheless, taking them to the porch and acting nice would be better than staying in the van and acting passive aggressive"

"I need to stop and validate regardless. Sometimes I'm my own worst enemy when talking rather than just validating and shutting my mouth."

Yes yes and yes. You know what to do. You have been reading. Now its time for actively applying what you already know.


M:37 W:37
T:11 M:10
S17, S13, S10, S4
BD:06/28/17
OM confirmed 07/20/17
Recon the M 10/29/17
Working hard:2gether

Onward and forward

This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.
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dmoy Offline OP
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Had some stuff to give W when I dropped kids off so I left the van running but took them to the door. Handed her school papers and kissed the kids goodnight. D6 refused to let me go. I had to hug and kiss again then physically separate after a minute and walk away because it's a never ending cycle unfortunately.

W called about 5 min later to get clarification on what she needed to do with paper but otherwise didn't have anything to say. I remained pleasant but didn't get into anything with her because she seemingly didn't want to talk and I wanted to give her some space after last night rather than push. She didn't text at all today either. Aside from D6's bipap report she sends me every morning we didn't talk at all today.

Debating whether I text her later and apologize/validate some of the things she said last night or just leave her be for now.


M:33 W:36
T:10 M:7
D8, D6
EA->PA (me) July/Aug '16
W move out 8/30/16
Recon M 9/7/16
S0 (miscarried) 9/13/16
W moved back 9/17/16
BD/WAW 6/24/17 while out of town
Home to empty apartment 6/27/17
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In general you should let her start conversations, text or otherwise, and you end them.


M(53), W(54),D(19)
M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
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Dmoy,

You are into day one. If you text her you will start from day zero.

She knows your number and how to get in contact with you.

Now its time for you to detach and work on yourself.

Give her space and time. From this moment forward everytime you come in contact or speak she's gets the best version of Dmoy. She sees a betrer, more positive and confident Dmoy. You are going to have to do a lot of self reflection and work on yourself. Figure out where you help the demise of the M and start to 180 those. Figure out some traits that you need to improve. Meet new people.

And always feed the good wolf.


M:37 W:37
T:11 M:10
S17, S13, S10, S4
BD:06/28/17
OM confirmed 07/20/17
Recon the M 10/29/17
Working hard:2gether

Onward and forward

This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.
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dmoy Offline OP
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joejoe,

I'm a bit lost on your comment, sorry. There are valid points in there but your day comment one threw me off. Maybe you're not familiar with my whole story and already being physically separated 10 months.

This most recent episode was testing the waters and while she told me she felt things were over, (that was implied last June as well), I think it was more reactionary to me than anything else. Surely that didn't reset the clock to zero.


M:33 W:36
T:10 M:7
D8, D6
EA->PA (me) July/Aug '16
W move out 8/30/16
Recon M 9/7/16
S0 (miscarried) 9/13/16
W moved back 9/17/16
BD/WAW 6/24/17 while out of town
Home to empty apartment 6/27/17
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joejoe was talking about you initiating conversations. Whenever you give in to your desire to talk to her and initiate contact, the clock for you fighting that urge starts over.


M(53), W(54),D(19)
M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Joined: Oct 2017
Posts: 38
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dmoy Offline OP
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Initiating conversations IRT "us"? That may be possible. But conversations in general, not really. Between the kids. Despite being physically separated, I see her at least once a day 6 days a week, some days I see her 2 or 3 times.

The "going dark" has always bugged me because to me it feels like going silent is almost just a passive-aggressive reaction to her saying or doing something I didn't like.


M:33 W:36
T:10 M:7
D8, D6
EA->PA (me) July/Aug '16
W move out 8/30/16
Recon M 9/7/16
S0 (miscarried) 9/13/16
W moved back 9/17/16
BD/WAW 6/24/17 while out of town
Home to empty apartment 6/27/17
Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 9,822
Likes: 226
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Originally Posted By: dmoy
Initiating conversations IRT "us"? That may be possible. But conversations in general, not really. Between the kids. Despite being physically separated, I see her at least once a day 6 days a week, some days I see her 2 or 3 times.

The "going dark" has always bugged me because to me it feels like going silent is almost just a passive-aggressive reaction to her saying or doing something I didn't like.


Read Sandi's rules. No one suggested going dark. Nor going silent. Going dark means you don't respond, and no one said to ignore her. Not initiating means you avoid initiating any non-logistical discussions. IE, dealing with the kids is logistical. But keep it businesslike.

When she initiates you validate. Read the validation thread.


M(53), W(54),D(19)
M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
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