M51 W44 T21 M18 D14 S11 BD date 9/17 W filed 02/18 W withdrew petition following week In house separation 03/18 In Limbo and DB'ing since 03/18 W is moving out by mid Nov 2018 A drawing up paperwork 11/18
Do you have a lawyer? There are legal implications to making changes to your W's healthcare. I think that legally you cannot drop her unless she has already made other insurance arrangements.
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We have a storage shed which if I got rid of, moved everything into the garage, which means she would have to park outside, would save us $250/mo. BIG savings right now.
I would discuss it with her since it affects where she parks. As a side note, I don't understand why people rent storage space. If you've had it for two years that's 6000.00 you've paid in storage costs. Do you even have 6k worth of stuff in there? You don't have to answer that, my point is just that often people spend crazy amounts of money to store stuff that isn't worth much.
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Would love to change cell providers, cable providers (and service level) to reduce other costs as well.
I would wait on this until you know if you're getting a D or not. Because if you switch now then you may be tied to long-term contracts that you have to break when you get a D since you'll have to split it all into separate accounts.
Thanks AnotherStander. I am not trying to drop my W from healthcare. It is now open enrollment for my company. I changed jobs a little over a year ago and just stayed (cobra) with my old company since we had already met our deductible. Issue is, not to drop her, but there are a few plans available and which way to go? All provide coverage, just different co-pays, RX costs, deductibles, etc. The storage thing is because we had to vacate our old home and just needed the space. We have only had it for a year, had to move quickly, and whichever way my MR goes, will only have it until the end of the year at the longest. Just looking to tighten the belt. I would have done it anyway regardless of her choice, but feel a little pinned down and don't want her to feel like I'm punishing or penalizing her in any way. I am not. Like I said, things I would do anyway. Have consulted with an A and do know that there are responsibilities legally and morally that I must adhere to through this.
The healthcare part is not my decision to change, merely the time period with which I must as I am nearing the end of my Cobra eligibility and again, open enrollment to change over.
I know if we do end up getting a D that she will be off of my insurance when we final and are legally done. The company will not allow an unmarried adult on the policy.
On the other parts, thank you for the input!
M51 W44 T21 M18 D14 S11 BD date 9/17 W filed 02/18 W withdrew petition following week In house separation 03/18 In Limbo and DB'ing since 03/18 W is moving out by mid Nov 2018 A drawing up paperwork 11/18
A roller coaster of a weekend followed by a day of medical stuff so this update and request for feedback is way overdue!
First, W's Bday was Friday. I worked, but had asked with the children what she wanted to do. Movie and dinner was the plan (always depending on her health). I got up, made her coffee, and since our kids were out of school (Happy Bday to Mom!), I had the time and made her breakfast. Nothing fancy, just hoping to make her day a little brighter. I know this is not really good at the letting go thing, going dark, but sometimes you have to follow and do what you feel is right (welcome the criticism here). When I left early for work, she was actually in a good mood. Move forward to Noonish where I get the phone call of her balling her eyes out since the kids were ignoring her, playing in another room and not doing anything to make her feel at all special. Consoled and validated a little bit. Spoke with my daughter and asked her to be a little more sensitive, get on board and make it a good day for her mother. This didn't really work at all as my D then asked her Mom if she could go and do something with her friends and commented "why does your Bday have to be today". Well, that kind of poked the bear (me) on that one. I got home a little early as we were trying to head out early. D was obstinate (as teenagers will be) and we talked a bit. She was upset as she said she didn't see the point of us doing anything as a family since W and I were getting a divorce anyway. We haven't shared that with them. She is not dumb. Discussed how married people fight and have ups and downs and that we still love each other and regardless of how things ever turned out, we will always love her. I also told her she cannot live in fear of what may happen. If her parent's marriage ends in divorce, why not enjoy the time you have now? What if the marriage doesn't end in divorce? You wasted the opportunities to spend time with your family. PLEASE don't live your life worried about something that may or may not happen!
She got a little upset and then said some things to me that were hurtful and cruel. That she didn't like me (we hang out all the time) and then she described in detail, using the same exact words my W uses about how she feels about me. Wonder where she got that? Upset me very much. Controlled, calmed down and discussed it. Asked if she would at least try to salvage the day for her mother and she said yes.
W was having a very bad health day combined with the emotions of the birthday, her father forgetting to send her a message and then he also sent her a kind of mean message, and just generally pitying herself for most of the day. We ended up not going anywhere. Kids and I went and picked up dinner from one of her favorite restaurants and we all watched a funny movie at home. Cake, cards and gifts. I did get her a card but only signed it with my name. Nothing sappy, marital, loving, etc. Just a regular Happy Bday card.
Saturday we took my D to get a dress for her dance next week. I bought some new running shoes and hadn't worn them yet so I took the opportunity to wear them and break them in.
W kind of went off with "nice new shoes" I guess we can go shopping and buy stuff again. I hadn't bought new shoes in 5 years! What does she care? I got baited into an argument and I was unable to resist to get fully into it. I tried and failed to disengage. Prior to it erupting she did disclose that she had a couple of leads on jobs (in the city an hour away) and her "friend" is getting her business off the ground soon. Supposed to start in March and now has "issues". Validated that I was glad she was looking into stuff and things were looking positive.
We discussed briefly about medical stuff since our switch over to new coverage is today. She mentioned that she thinks when its all done that she is just going to get on Medicare. Validated that even though I know her quality of care will drastically reduce as well as the RX's available to her. Also didn't mention that medicare is income based and if she makes too much, she will have to move off of that. Taking Sandi2's advice here that I have been fired, she doesn't want my help and it's not my problem. She talked about moving to the other city again and I voiced my concern that I didn't desire my children to be over an hour away. She said that "we (her and the children) just need a fresh start. This is ALL referring to her, not me. She made some comments like she hates the city we are in and that is the main reason she is unhappy. Unfortunately, I took that lure and reacted asking that if we relocated for a fresh start with our family, would she then be willing to work on our MR. She hesitated for a long time and then said "if I ever get to that point, you will definitely be the first to know".
We discussed money for a few and I asked if she intended to go back to work now to give all of us a little help as we transition. She said maybe. I will let that stew for a bit as yesterday she spent at the dr's office and was asleep when the kids got home. How is that going to work again adding in a full time job????
ANYWAY. So I got sucked in and very much regret allowing myself to do that. I had the choice, and I should have ended it quickly. W's Bday day stung her very hard I believe as she couldn't do anything because of her health, the kids didn't treat her well, and she didn't get much of an outpouring of support that she thought she was going to get.
Lots of family stuff this week, so unfortunately there will be a lot of interaction. I will keep it to a minimum as much as possible. Working on myself still and actually looking pretty good! W asked if I had my teeth whitened (switched to a new toothpaste). Thought it was funny she noticed.
She is still determined to go on her own path. I am validating her choice and letting her make the decisions and move it all forward. I will not hinder, but will not do it either.
M51 W44 T21 M18 D14 S11 BD date 9/17 W filed 02/18 W withdrew petition following week In house separation 03/18 In Limbo and DB'ing since 03/18 W is moving out by mid Nov 2018 A drawing up paperwork 11/18
Every family has their own brand of celebrating a birthday. However, this mother's self centered attitude, and tattling to you that the kids were not paying more attention to her special day......made me a little sick to my stomach. She is an adult. You enabled her (and that's why W called and tattled) by telling the D to be more sensitive and "to get on board" to make her mom feel special. You do that a lot, you know. The kids have to make mom feel good. It's always about mom.
They are doing what normal kids do.......which is to hang out with other kids. Your D may have thought there was a little hypocrisy in making a big to do over mom's birthday, and right now, D is very angry at her parents. She did not want to hear another "We both love you very much and none of this is your fault" speeches. She has seen how accommodating you have always been to your W, but what makes D angry is that you've tried to make the kids be accommodating to W, also. After they get into their pre-teens, they really resent this kind of stuff.
I strongly advise you to stop telling them to do anything for their mother's sake. You seem to be blind to the results it has caused. Just stop it.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Again Thanks Sandi2. Yes. I do that a lot. I have enabled, cared for, catered to, and unfortunately had my kids do the same thing for my wife. Actually came up in our discussion that We (kids and I) were going to stop feeling guilty that she can't go and begin making plans. W is always welcome to go, but we are all going to GAL. I was wrong with my daughter and I will talk with her about that (a little, I don't want to dwell, but do need to validate that she was correct in her feelings and thoughts and it was wrong of me to exert pressure in this way).
The 180, detaching and going dark are all VERY difficult. I am realizing more and more that my identity over the last decade (since the first major health issue) has almost centered around her care. I still work a lot, but my social network (outside of work) has dropped to almost nothing. So it is now in my nature to do these things without thought. I have to now work diligently and think before I do or say anything. I am fully aware of my responsibility in this. I believe this is part of the reason my W has lost all respect for me as a man and husband (not a pity party at all, just looking at it from the research and comments I am getting here, etc.) I can see how everything played out and the problems that we allowed to happen without intervening because we didn't have the right tools. I am unsure if the MR can be saved. I am certain that I can be and I can be sure my kids are ok as well.
M51 W44 T21 M18 D14 S11 BD date 9/17 W filed 02/18 W withdrew petition following week In house separation 03/18 In Limbo and DB'ing since 03/18 W is moving out by mid Nov 2018 A drawing up paperwork 11/18
With all the R posts I wanted to post something positive this morning.
Zero contact with W yesterday except sending her a mediation checklist that she had asked me to resend. She sent a sarcastic response back. I didn't respond.
Got home a little later than usual. Kids were good. D was caught up in her homework and S was playing. Got ready for my run and asked my W a question. She just walked away and went to the bathroom. D looked at me with a questioning look like "wow, why did she act like that". I didn't say anything, just asked her to get back to work on her homework and headed out for my run.
No conversations after that for the evening. Just let it be.
VERY proud of my D though. With all her struggles she had a big report due today and her "partner" dropped the ball so my D had to pull an all nighter to get it done.
Checked on her at midnight, 2 and 415am and she was still up and working. LOVE that she persevered and did it. She totally looks dead on her mom and of course as a girl acts like her as well. But this is totally my influence on her. VERY proud of my D today for making it through the night and going to school and owning it!
Stayed up after the 415 check in and got 90 minutes in on the treadmill, off to work, in a GREAT mood this morning and ready to take on whatever happens!
M51 W44 T21 M18 D14 S11 BD date 9/17 W filed 02/18 W withdrew petition following week In house separation 03/18 In Limbo and DB'ing since 03/18 W is moving out by mid Nov 2018 A drawing up paperwork 11/18
Got ready for my run and asked my W a question. She just walked away and went to the bathroom. D looked at me with a questioning look like "wow, why did she act like that". I didn't say anything, just asked her to get back to work on her homework and headed out for my run.
Come on man this is part of the problem. Don't let her treat you like that, especially in front the kids. Makes you look weak and teaches your daughter how to treat men in future relationships.
You make it clear to her that you asked a question and you would like an answer to the question.
Have you done your home work on boundaries?
That's great news about your daughter. She is going to need you to be strong and centered for her!
