My first time posting on a forum... I've read about the tremendous support and wisdom on this site. I'm inspired and encouraged...Really need some help it right now....I'm 44 I have 2 kids 20 and 17. Older son away at College. Daughter at home in her final year at high school. Married for 20 years... together for 23 years. Husband is in a serious MLC... lost weight, started cycling, drinking, stopped attending church, has had a change of spiritual beliefs... says there is no God! He dresses different...tells me that he wants to out more with friends on his own...the list of changes is endless... who is this man and what did the aliens do with my husbands body.... Honestly it feels like a completely different alien being just sleeps next to me.
This all started 4 years ago when my husband turned 40 years old. He went away for extended periods of time to study his MBA in another city. Met younger people and started going to pubs and clubs... Told me he loves me but is not in love with me..shock/ bomb drop number 1. .I guess the last 4 years I have hung on and gal in that time. We went for counseling and stuck it out..., challenging but much better than a divorce. Now my youngest is about to leave for college and it begins all over again.... I love but I'm not in love with you.... I want a divorce.... shock/bomb drop number 2 oh my word we've come full circle.... I can't believe we're back here.... honestly I've read what some of you experts have been doing and I have done the exact opposite. Pleading, begging, trying to reason and understand... being pathetic basically. I'm so tired, overwhelmed and scared....is this really happening?
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
No, no, no. You are not being pathetic. Not at all. Your reactions are normal, human reactions that feeling people capable of love have when the person they trusted and mutually formed a committment is no longer invested in the marriage.
Don't for one minute think that you or your reactions have anything to do with him and his actions. Please. Don't go there. Sounds like he told you who he was years ago. Now the kids are older (hes probably not responsible for child support) and you have just accept what he's saying and doing.
Im sorry you are here. This I'd hard. But your only way out is self love, self care. Focus on you and what will benefit you. Get angry. He's wrong and has been hiding stuff. But ultimately focus on loving yourself again. You deserve soneone that wants to be with you. His loss.
Husband is in a serious MLC... lost weight, started cycling, drinking, stopped attending church, has had a change of spiritual beliefs... says there is no God! He dresses different...tells me that he wants to out more with friends on his own...the list of changes is endless... who is this man and what did the aliens do with my husbands body.... Honestly it feels like a completely different alien being just sleeps next to me.
Yeah that does sound like MLC. Post here because you'll get more activity at first, but you might want to read through threads and resources on the MLC forum as well.
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We went for counseling and stuck it out..., challenging but much better than a divorce.
What issues were discussed and resolved in counseling? Have any of those issues returned since then?
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I've read what some of you experts have been doing and I have done the exact opposite. Pleading, begging, trying to reason and understand... being pathetic basically.
Don't beat yourself up, most of us did the same before finding DB'ing. Read DB or DR, get really familiar with Sandi's rules, and settle in for the long haul! You turned things around once before so you already know it's possible no matter how hopeless it may seem right now.
Oh wow.... you guys are amazing! I can't tell you how much hearing you all makes me feel like I'm not going crazy (well maybe just a little)....these posts are a God send. Thank you for reaching out to me!
I read Sandi's rules and boy... do I have some way to go. Today for the first time I took time for me....after work instead of rushing home to cook and care for everyone else....I connected with a friend....bought Mc Donald's for dinner, then instead of confiding in my H about re: my awful day....I decided to eat dinner with my daughter and watch a movie. I played it cool and ended the evening with a bubble bath and a glass of wine....so relaxing.... and just takes the load off obsessing about our M....
I'm getting through this one way or another....
Now I need to eat right and exercise....gained weight comfort eating
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
Thank you Wonka, appreciate you sharing. I have the DB but not DR. Not available in my country. I will order online. I've read many of your posts on other threads. You have been such a lifeline to so many. Genuinely appreciate you taking time to help me through this.
So counseling was a real disaster. The therapist we went to gave us a piece of paper that spelled out 3 options - reconcile, separate or divorce. As homework we had to reflect on each - she gave us questions to work through. For the place my MLC H was in - he saw no other option but separation. Claimed this therapist made him realize that separation and divorce are feasible options. He says he has tried working on the R but has come to realize through the counseling that separation is better. My response at the time was sure if that's what you want I understand go ahead. Immediately after I said this he retracted his comments....saying that his confused, need space but doesn't want to give up on us... would like to try again.... that was about 10 months ago... now we're back to square one.... ilybnilwy....
Thanks Cadet.... I'm so not used to the forum... I see now you re-posted from Wonka....🙈I'm getting it all confused....thanks to you for reposting 👍
