Husband gone for second time - 3

[arsh18]

Dear Nicole,
I just went through your whole story. Hats off to you for having the courage to hang in there, I think your daughter is going to see what a strong woman her mother is and you being a role model to her will form a deep loving connection between the two of you when she grows up.
Sorry I dont know how to help you but to say I have a lot of respect for you to see how much you have endured for the sake of wanting a happy home for your daughter. Karma will catch up with your husband and he will soon see the light of day.
Until then, be happy you have your daughter, if nothing else out of the relationship you at least have a beautiful girl who makes it all worth it Only a mom can feel this way.
And belated birthday wishes to you, I will have you in my prayers

[Jim1234]

Happy Birthday Nicole. I'm glad the move is over, and you are now in a city with family and friends nearby. That will do you a world of good.

I think you nailed it; he's buying things out of guilt so he can feel better, but I have no idea what you should do with them.

I hope you will find it easier to detach now that there's some additional distance between you. I like that you responded that you were out and busy all day. Good for you!

[NicoleR]

KML, I know. I struggle a lot with this issue. It's hard to convince myself that my actions wouldn't have made a difference because I'm ashamed to say I became the abusive, controlling, negative one when my husband returned. I hate who I became. I know the root cause of the problems is my husband, but I have a hard time forgiving myself for how I reacted. Yes, he cheated and left for eight weeks but I think there were more productive, humane ways of dealing with the aftermath. Now it's too late...but I know I have to find a way to let it go.

Steve, my husband was in IC twice. He did well with the first counselor. The one he saw twice last summer, however, seemed to be the who helped him realize he wanted to separate. That upsets me a lot because it's easy for a counselor who meets you twice to encourage someone to leave but I wish it had been a different counselor who was more pro-marriage. That's interesting about your FIL. I really don't want my daughter to have the same experience as your wife growing up. I hope we can change course somehow. Thanks for your prayers.

Arshi, hopefully you saw some similarities between our situations when you read my thread. I wish I could meet someone like you in real life! Thanks for your encouragement. Please keep us posted on what's happening with your husband.

Jim, thanks. I guess we'll keep the gifts but it's very unpredictable what my husband will do next. I'm trying to avoid contacting my husband at all for a while, although I do have to ask him something about the apartment we left behind in our old city. I miss him a lot when I see our old familiar places here in our current city but I know there's not much else I can do except making this move and trying to get established here.

[arsh18]

hi Nicole, how are you settling down in the new place? how is your D handling the move?

[NicoleR]

Arshi, we're doing ok thanks. We're in a newly constructed building and everything is new here so I have severe allergies from all the chemicals, dust, etc.. so I kind of regret choosing this place, but aside from that, we're in a good location and we've been seeing friends every day. I got a six month contract through a friend to work-from-home and a few other consulting jobs that I'll start soon. My daughter is fine except she misses her father and friends. This morning she asked to call my husband and asked "can you please visit me for just one minute today?" He said he can't because he's not here but he'll come soon. I feel so sad for her. She'll start a new school on May 1st and she has anxiety about that. I still wish we'd be back in our old city in our beautiful home with everything stable and secure, which is what every kid deserves, but I'll try to do my best to get my daughter into a routine and will do whatever I can to help her.

[arsh18]

This morning she asked to call my husband and asked "can you please visit me for just one minute today?" He said he can't because he's not here but he'll come soon.

this made me tear up, poor baby. Keep her as distracted as possible, take her out and help her play. Eventually you may even be able to make a lot of play dates to keep her occupied. the lesser idle time you both have on your hands the better it will help you keep his memories and thoughts away

[Joe2017]

Nicole! I just want to give you the biggest hug ever!!!!

You are doing far better than you think you are. I know how hard it is to hear your kid ask those questions. You just make sure you are there for her, always. Show her a strong and independent woman who doesn't take [censored] from a man! You have to teach her that a woman is never a man's doormat or toy, EVER! She will not learn that from her father so you have to show her confidence so she will have it too.

As for the gifts, TAKE WHAT YOU CAN GET. I'm serious. He asked you what you need? You need a good vacuum to get all that dust in the new apartment cleaned up. You need all kinds of things. Sure he is doing it out of guilt. HE SHOULD BE GUILTY. I'm not talking about abusing the offers, but reality is that you DESERVE to get back parts of the life he took away from you.

Having your own place helps tremendously. I'm sorry you had to go back to the house, I know how much that hurts.

Good for you for not letting his bullshit immaturity mess with you! You are going to be so much better off in a year. I promise you, time heals. It does. It's cliche but it's true. There is no timeline but I promise, you will get better each day.

And each day is another opportunity to teach your baby how grow into a strong woman.

You've got this!

[NicoleR]

Arshi, thankfully we've had non-stop play dates and social activities so my daughter is doing really well aside from anxiety about starting a new school next week.

Joe, thanks so much for your encouragement. I really do appreciate it. Even though we've never met I feel we understand each other well. I'm trying to do as you say. My daughter watches me do everything myself day-after-day. Perhaps when she's older she'll have a few memories and will realize that I struggled to raise her alone but did my best. I do have two excellent consulting jobs now that are in my field and I'm thankful that I took the time to build a strong career before having my daughter since it made it much easier to take time away and then return.

All, my friends here in my current city keep saying that my husband will wake up and return, that he'll be sorry, and that God has better things lined up for me. It's hard to know what to think and how to feel about all these comments.

[kml]

Get a HEPA rated air filter for your apartment.
Congratulations on getting work lined up so quickly.

Your husband might temporarily show some interest because you've moved out of his control - but just because he wants to keep you on the hook as Plan B doesn't mean he's become the man he should be. Nothing less than a year of individual therapy for him before you should even consider dating him (and he won't do that because he's a selfish jerk who wished his daughter had never been born).

Enjoy your friends, your work, your support group. Don't worry about your H. You did the right thing for you and your daughter.

[Vanilla]

Nicole

In my view the reason you were reactive was because your boundaries were crossed and you weren't ready to R. Likely he wasn't remorseful enough and maybe didn't atone as you needed.

His A blew up your marriage and put you through hell.

I have no truck with cheaters none, zero.

I had my screaming banshee phase too, it was awful and not good, I believe I have resolved it, although I will need help on it from time to time so it doesn't affect my life. It's quite usual after a spouse has had an A. He blew up your M by having an A and after that you may never trust him. That was also me, something you learn may tell you that you were correct. Entitled peeps stay entitled.

He is in the guiLt phase it may not last for long so use it to advantage.

I am concerned that you are working and living somewhere which might cause you breathing issues. Can you work in a library or coffee shop sometimes?

Extreme self care Nicole, extreme.

It's going to be ok.

V