There is a new young lady on my team at work who is quite nice. She's the same age as my daughter and is originally from India. She's only been in Canada for a couple of years. We've agreed that she has become my surrogate "work-daughter". She's checked up on how a doctor's appointment has gone, checked to make sure that my lunches are healthy and regularly asks for advice on various things. I think she worries a bit about her own father "back home" and fussing at me and seeing how much I love and miss my own daughter who is also far away helps her know that even though she herself is far away from home that a Daddy is always there for his little girl.
Speaking of my own daughter, I had a nice and lengthy phone call with her yesterday morning as I drove in to work. I had delayed calling her because I'd mailed her some girl-guide cookies which were delayed in the post and I didn't want to spill the beans. She's struggling with a number of things right now mainly that they are going to have to give up their dog. She's a labrador / pit bull cross and was a rescue as an adult dog who was found living on the streets. She's very loving but nervous and recently got loose and attacked another dog. With my son-in-law going on longer and longer underways in preparation to deployment they agree that she's just too much for my daughter to handle on her own. Sad. They're hoping to find a new quiet and loving home for her but know the odds are low. I can't take her here because I'm not around enough to give the dog the attention she needs and don't think S23 would be all that engaged as well. A friend of mine here was also interested but they have a toddler in the house plus other dogs and this dog hasn't done well on socialization. If anyone happens to be in the Norfolk Virginia area and is interested we can figure out how to connect some dots perhaps.
We did talk again a bit about me starting to date and it became obvious that she was very uncomfortable with the idea. I tried to talk to her about it but she would only say that it felt very weird to her. She had previously seemed to be quite comfortable about it but perhaps with her own stress and such (hey - a snazzy mind-reading turban!) has changed.
I was going to wait to write until next Wednesday but chose to today. Next Wednesday will be the 2nd anniversary of when I found messages on my ex's Facebook Messenger that revealed that she had an ongoing physical affair and that she was terrified of me finding out. This was a month after she had told me that she was leaving but not why. She then stayed in the house for another 3 months seeming to alternate between confidence and confusion while undergoing continual outside pressure until she finally left.
In the last 2 years I have made great strides in healing and in rediscovering myself I think. The grief, anger and pain are still there and probably always will be. But now it's more like a pot of stew that has boiled and brewed and is now cooling off on the back of the stove. A good stew when it cools will have a layer of fat on top of it that seals it off. And yes, my imagery is pretty bizarre at times.
I've been struggling a lot in recent times maintaining no-contact with my ex. Part of it is my own loneliness and nostalgia for what was. Part of it is a desire to help her where my imagination paints her as being unhappy and alone. I honestly don't know what the reality is. She would have had an easy opportunity to file the final papers this past Thursday. But then again she's had lots of opportunities for months to do that and it hasn't happened. I'll need to make decisions on what to do if she continues to delay. I would presume that if her Prince Smarmy and her have found their happily ever after that she would be eager to cut ties with me although I have read lots of stories where that isn't the case. Trust me, I know what it feels like to walk away from nearly 30 years of love. I've gotten nothing from her to indicate that any contact would be welcome. In fact I've gotten nothing of any sort.
I do have to send some sort of communication her way next month to remind her that if she wants any plants to come by and S23 will assist. There are also some garden ornaments she abandoned that came from her parents / grandparents that I don't want. Presuming she's living in her apartment still she has no place for any of this but that's not my problem. Even though she "knows" that this needs to be done I think I need to do some actual communicating which includes a deadline by which it needs to be done otherwise she would figure she could do it at any time - even though the verbal agreement we had during the settlement meetings did say May.
Out of the blue I unexpectedly received a card from my ex-sister in-law. It was a Thank You card for the donation I made in memory of my ex-inlaws when they passed at the end of January. It had a lengthy kind hand-written note in it which was also slighly impersonal. Part of what made this odd was that she hates my guts and always has. It started when we first met and she thought I looked like her ex husband who she married to legitimize her teen-pregnancy. It continued because I never catered to her drama which was constant. My ex - her sister didn't think much of her and especially her continual infidelities. That is until she started her own affair and then became besties.
I'd considered just tossing the card but with S23 here it encourages me to model better behaviour than I might have otherwise. So I set the card open on the table for a few days like I would have with any card / letter received from others.
Part of being "unsupervised" is that at times it is tougher to do the right thing because I am indeed accountable to no-one but myself. I've been struggling with keeping to my diet. This past week I had quite a few carbs which I know brighten my mood but also widens my waistline. I'm currently up about 15lbs from the low I hit after bomb-day. My goal is to lose about 30 lbs from where I am which would put me back to the weight I was when I was married. Going into middle-age making healthy choices is something I need to keep focus on.
I had been planning on catching up on the current news cycle last night with a couple of beer and the cats. 20 something and her current boyfriend / true love d'jour stopped by for a quick visit and to pick up S23 to hang out at her place. I chose to switch from the news - which is currently stressful and depressing - and watched Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince with the cats and some junk food.
Prior her affair heating up but while it was probably a building emotional affair my ex and I started re-watching the Harry Potter films which we both loved. We'd make an evening of it and cuddle up on the couch. This stopped and she got distant from me as her affair - unknown to me - progressed. I've chosen to continue watching the films but at a rather slow pace. I can pretty much watch them now without feeling too much of a pang. But I take my time between them. Binge pain-shopping is a bad thing.
One other thing that I'm thing I need to do is to retire the lovely quilt I have. It was a wedding present from my grandmother who made it especially for the occasion. I've slept under it now for well over half my life. Both of my children were conceived under it. I try to take good care of it and can recall my ex laughing at me watching me carefully re-sewing a seam with the smallest stitches I could manage. As you can imagine it's getting rather worn despite the care I have been giving it. I decided this morning that I will get a new quilt, possibly commission one even but don't know what to do with the old one. Ideas would be welcome.
Anyhoodles. One cat is laying on my arm "helping" my type this while the other is sleeping in front of the office window while it gently snows outside. A "Hallmark moment". I need to get on with my day. There's a Maple Syrup festival in a nearby village today and tomorrow that I'll probably go to tomorrow. The nice teller from the bank said that she'll probably be there too.
A bien tot mes ami.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Andrew, W and I had a few keepsake quilts also. We sewed loops onto one side and hung the quilt on a rod mounted to the wall (sort of like a curtain). It makes a nice wall hanging / artwork.
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
I don't understand why it is taking so long for your divorce to be finalized. Wasn't it agreed that it would be taken care of within a certain time frame? You've been holding up your end of the deal... paying her money, yet she hasn't done her side!
As far as the quilt, I would donate it to a local charity (maybe for the homeless) or an animal shelter. They would surely appreciate it! I have a quilt somewhere around here that was made and given to me as a gift for my first wedding. I had the names/date removed from the corner, but I still have never used it.
How was the Maple Syrup festival? Did you see the bank teller there?
I would offer the quilt to your daughter. It is a family keepsake since it was done by your grandmother. She put a lot of love and time into making it. Sure, it may be worn and needing some TLC, but it would be something, I think, your daughter would love. She can have someone repair it or cut it down to a smaller one and use it as a wall hanging or just a lap quilt.
I have a few quilts that my mother has made me and I know how long it takes to make quilts, especially if they are done by hand and not with a sewing machine.
Just my two cents.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I don't understand why it is taking so long for your divorce to be finalized. Wasn't it agreed that it would be taken care of within a certain time frame? You've been holding up your end of the deal... paying her money, yet she hasn't done her side!
dream! Lovely of you to stop by. Seeing your name always brightens my day. I hope all is well with you and your boys.
According to the agreement that she signed in late November she had 20 days to file for divorce. The first piece of the paperwork which was the Application for Divorce was filed in mid-January and I was served via my own lawyer. The delay on the first form could be considered reasonable given holidays and such. She then needed to wait 30 days and then file the Affidavit for Divorce which is the document that the courts actually grant the divorce on. That one hasn't been done - to the best of my knowledge - and is about 2 months late at this point. I'm figuring on giving it another month or so before pushing harder. She has the burial of her parents to go through in May which may involve D25 coming up as well. D25 and her H meeting OM at that time will certainly be a stressful thing for everyone. I presume that OM is still in the picture in some fashion.
As to the "why" - I really can't say. From the very beginning she, I think has been a reluctant participant in the whole process. Early on she was horrified of the idea of me taking off my ring if you recall, even while she was actively engaging in her affair. The kind me imagines that she was subjected to significant outside forces plus her own menopausal hormone cocktail. The practical me sets that aside because she did cheat. She did choose OM over me. The fact that it appears to have not worked out as per the narrative she was feeding her friends isn't my problem. When we met that once in Nov 2016 and again when I last talked to her in Jan 2017 she refused to say whether she wanted a divorce or not. During the settlement meeting she - and I think honestly - indicated no interest at all in divorcing me.
My own opinion is that she both has never abandoned the idea of me as a Plan B and also doesn't want to be the "bad guy" who pulls the trigger.
Originally Posted By: dream
How was the Maple Syrup festival? Did you see the bank teller there?
Sadly because of the ice storm blowing through this part of the world today the festival canceled the day. Since I do know my way around a kitchen, I made a nice stack of pancakes and sausages here. I suppose I need to figure out another way to connect with the teller outside of work. I also need to find some courage. I do think that it's pretty obvious to everyone that I at least am interested in her because there are lots of indulgent looks that I get from her co-workers and other customers along with some less than tactful comments from her co-workers which I take with good humour. I perhaps need someone like you to sit on my shoulder and guide me
Originally Posted By: dream,job,DnJ
As far as the quilt
My current thinking for the quilt is to pack it away in a vacuum packed bag for now once the weather gets warm enough to take it off the bed. I would lean more towards gifting it to my son rather than my daughter. There are a number of Amish colonies in this area so I may reach out through my family to them to see about a replacement. I'm thinking that I can perhaps get one made for about $500.
Well - time to clean the cat boxes and start supper. I have some nice steaks out for S23 and I. Perhaps I "would" make someone a nice little wifey some day as one of my friends tells me. The bank teller - I have been assured by her co-workers is an amazing cook though.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Hello everyone. Well - Today's the 2nd anniversary of when I found out that my ex was cheating on me. Looking back, I've come a long way although I do still struggle.
Thanks to some friends who talked me down off the ledge I managed to avoid reaching out to my ex yesterday. The trigger for me in addition to today's "anniversary" was that she hadn't picked up the payment due on the 15th that I made on the 14th. She picked it up last evening without my assistance 2 days later than expected. Once the urge hit to contact her I also started adding on other "legitimate" things that I "needed" to talk to her about. As I was pointedly reminded - she fired me from the job of making her life run smoothly. I've fulfilled my legal obligations and can prove it if necessary.
I find that each of these hurdles that I sometimes leap and other times crawl over make me stronger.
I did find it odd when my ex picked up her money as it would have been in the middle of a very exciting playoff hockey game of her guy's favourite team which had also become her big passion even though she hasn't been a booster of them on social media this year like she was last year.
It would be easy to speculate on why she delayed to accept her support payment or why she seemed to have available time when she could be expected to be otherwise occupied and yes I have ruminated on it or why the final paperwork is now over 2 months late. It doesn't matter though except for the last bit.
It probably doesn't sound odd to any of you but I do feel that I have indeed taken another step. Being dragged back but stepping forward feels good. I don't fear an unknown future. I know that I will continue to struggle and I have a lot of rebuilding to do. My ex doesn't know what she's missing.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
You are doing great! You came here to try to save your marriage and learn how to detach and let go in the process. You've learned to listen to the good/bad advice and then decide what you can use in your own situation. You've continued to be a shining star and a man who has been giving golden advice to others along the way. I may not always post to you, but I do read your postings and nod my head and say "yes" to many of the things that you write.
Keep up the good work!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I agree with you on the subject of your daughter meeting OM will be akward. Will she be staying with you and your son for this trip? If so, i would suggest a compassionate approach for your children. Let them speek freely without asking questions about your stbx and OM.
You are progressing very nicely. Like Job, i also read all your posts and you do have a voice of reason. You have great advice and you show alot of caring toward the recipient of your words.
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
