Can I really do this?

[SteveLW]

JustSad, good job! Sounds like you are doing well.

"My half hour contemplation this morning was really a good reflection on what is happening and committing to the detaching part. This part is very hard as we are still living in the same home, sleeping in the same bed, and have 2 children as well so I cannot totally detach nor totally go dark."

Just one comment here. Detaching is not going dark. Reread the link on detachment. Detachment is exactly what you did when you got home and the wife was trying to get attention by adjusting her back brace: not reacting! When she speaks you listen. You validate. You are pleasant, upbeat, and present. You just aren't starting conversations, etc.

[Dtrmned]

Thanks Steve!
Always appreciate feedback and a good pat on the back (or kick in the @$$). I did go back and read the difference between detaching and going dark. I know they are 2 different things, but it is always good to go back and review. The unfortunate part of it all is that it would be easier to detach and easier to go dark if we didn't have the day to day issues of children, the house, etc. This was my point. I would love nothing better at this moment than to just give her the space she wants and let her reflect. I didn't initiate any contact today, she sent me a text about an hour ago reminding me our D's school conference is tonight. I just replied asking if her health allowed her to go and that I would be home in time to go as well. She said "maybe, it's been a rough day so far". I just replied "ok" and left it at that.

I am learning that she is using her health issues to manipulate the situations more and more. I know the issues are real, but I believe she is overstating them sometimes.
Knowing that she is going to have to get a job, take care of the kids, and take care of a home along with her chronic health issues may be settling in. Looking forward to this weekend when she is supposed to let me know what she wants financially in the D. Whatever it is, it can't happen now, but at least I will see if she is realistic or has no clue. I am hopeful for the first but am thinking it is going to be the later and that if it moves forward it will become a battle royale. Not assuming and keeping my best, confident, cheerful self (not faking it either!) forward at all times.

Will update if/when anything happens...

[Dtrmned]

Hot off the presses....

Last evening my D had her regular school conference. I got home a little early to get my run in prior. On my run W texts me that we need to talk after the conference.

Conference goes well, my D is having a good week and has communicated with both my W and I very well this and is upbeat. so VERY GOOD!

Got home, kids went to watch some tv and sat down with W. She mentioned that her goal is of course to move out on her own. I knew this, and totally expected this. What I didn't expect is that she is wanting to move to a city that is over an hour away from where we are now. AND she said she wants to do it over the summer. Says that she and the kids (and agreed that all of us) need a fresh start. I agreed that we need a fresh start. Unfortunately, moving our children over an hour away and we are stuck in the home we have now until the end of January really doesn't work for me. How am I going to have the kids every other week (what we agreed to)? I can't drive them an hour each way to school half the time. Just not possible nor is it fair to me. Her suggestion is that I just move up there as well. We used to live in this town 7 years ago and we both loved it there so that wouldn't really be a problem for me. We discussed finances and she is actually being very reasonable on what she is asking for. I think we would be very close on our numbers so I am thankful for that. With the same breath I don't know how she would make it. Again, not my problem any longer, but my concern is where our children will be half the time. The city she is speaking of is much more expensive than the one we are in now. The most expensive county in the state and it is estimated that you need a household income of at least 100k to live there. Glancing at apartments for them (she said she wants an apt) 3bdr/2ba are running right at 2k/mo. I'm no genius (obviously) but it doesn't take that to do the math. No job, no income, how would she get accepted on a lease? and how would she even pay her bills? again, I know not my problem, but my concern is of course for her well being and our children. It would be a challenge for a little while for me to even do it. I went through our lease this morning and I don't see a way for us to get out of it. I don't want to "lose" our children for 6 months. Looking at the school ratings, the ones they are in now are excellent compared to only average where the suggested move would be. The complaint from my W is she hates where she is at (shocker!) needs the fresh start and is trying to justify that the kids need a fresh start as well. The challenges of a new school are tough. My children have been in this school district their entire lives (almost D had 1st grade in the city we are speaking about). When I was a child, we moved constantly and I changed elementary schools 5 times and then went to a high school that I didn't know a soul when I showed up. Throw that in with the transition of mommy and daddy parting ways. I am unsure as to how this would play out. It may be the best thing for everyone. I don't know if it is financially feasible either. The charge, if we could negotiate, to break the lease would be substantial. Deposits, moving costs and upfront rent would be substantial as well. I voiced a few concerns and said we could discuss and delve in further, but I would not be for having our children apart from either of us for 6ish months.

She then said something that caught me off guard. I recovered quickly. She said "I have to ask a couple of questions" Ok.

"for the last 2 months you haven't been your angry freaky short fused self. You are your old self. You are working out , eating better, friendly, playful with the kids, helping out more, whats up with that?"

I simply responded that I am resigned and have resolved within myself that I am not going to be angry any longer. I spent too much time in that bad place, it is not me, and this is who I am. She responded back saying "sometimes you are working out twice a day, are you trying to impress me? or someone else?" First time she ever half accused me of pursuing anyone. I'm not unless you count her through DBing. But the fact that she asked was almost laughable. I stated that really all I do is go to work, come home, run and she pretty much knows where I am all the time. I don't report in, but I'm in the office everyday. She stated "I don't know what you do all day!". Funny! Told her again I was not trying to impress her or anyone else and that I am just working on myself and being a better father to our children.

I didn't dwell, asked if we were done and we could discuss more as we get more information on this "plan" she proposed.

Pulled up the lease and sent it to W. I don't see a way for an early out without a STIFF penalty. Didn't say that to her, just pointed out the paragraph and said we can discuss.

Zero idea what she is thinking other than she just wants a fresh start all the way around in a place that she likes. I don't blame her, but we are adults and have made commitments. Pointed out that we would both need to live fairly close (a few miles) to each other to make sure their commute to and from school wasn't horrible for either of us and them. Also asked that if I got a great job offer somewhere else does that mean you would move to that city too? She said no. Thought so. didn't say that, just wanted to make a point.

That's where we stand. She wants to leave. Is concerned that I'm trying to impress her or someone else. She acknowledged that I have changed and even said I am like my old self. I just commented that we both went through a hard time, handled it differently, and that I was always in there just shielded for a bit.

Got up, worked out and am now at work.

Comments...

[SteveLW]

Temp checking all around!! Even the proposal. As you point out, the it isn't realistic. Finacially, geographically, educationally. She was testing you. "Let me float this crazy suggestion and watch the angry JustSad show up because I know he is really in there waiting until I let my guard down!" You know her better than I do but my guess is that she has no real desire to pursue this realistically.

But then on to the real temp checking. The discussion. You're DBing is working!! She is wondering what is up. You've changed. You have 180'd. You are taking care of yourself. You are GAL! So now you've got her attention. She is interested in what is happening. And she came up with a crazy idea to try to throw you off your current track. And better yet you didn't take the bait!

Keep up the good work JustSad, it is paying dividends already.

[Dtrmned]

Thanks Steve!
She is a very decisive person so this will not be an overnight change. This is a marathon and not a sprint. Nor is this my manipulating her back into our MR. This is me getting on with my life and if some point she focuses back, if the door is still open, and we choose to work on it, who knows!

Thanks for the pat on the back!
My goals for this weekend:
Stay focused.
Work on myself.
Have fun with my children.
GAL
Let W have her space.
Weather is going to be a little challenged again so I will probably be at home. Have a new book I can dive into so looking forward to that.

As always, I appreciate the support. It is just nice to put these things out there and get feedback.

[sandi2]

When are you going to stop wasting your thoughts and energy on her fantasies? Stop trying to figure out how she'll pay for things. She's certainly not worried about it. In fact, she thinks you will continue accommodate her by following her wherever she moves.

In a way, you are still trying to rescue her.

[Dtrmned]

Dear Sandi2,
Thank you again. I am realizing what you said more and more each day and am practicing getting better. This is her decision and if she stumbles, falls or makes it big, not my responsibility. Easier said than done but I am working on it.

[sandi2]

Compare it to an over-protective parent. When the child is ready to leave home, the parent has to let go, which means, s/he has to change some years of behavior patterns attached to the child. No, it's not easy, but you can do it.

You know she cannot do any of this stuff she is fantasizing about.....but you have to get out of her way and let her find out for herself. Stop trying to do it for her. Break that pattern. The harder it is now, the quicker she'll see that she cannot make it on her own, working and living in a big city with big expenses.

[Dtrmned]

It was a good weekend.
Friday was quiet, just read as it rained/snowed.
Saturday did a little work out of the house and had a decent run. Turned out a little weird on Saturday night. Kids wanted to have a fun dinner and play games. We had planned it all week. Told W and said she could join if she wanted to, no pressure, just letting her know what we were doing as we were going to be in the main room and that is generally where she is on her heating pads during the day/evening. Made dinner and then my W joined us all as we played cards, board games, and listened to music. At the end of the evening (11ish) our we were just watching some music videos all on the couch and our kids both fell asleep on us. W and I were separated by a kid so we weren't next to each other, but still on the same couch. Very pleasant evening full of laughter, fun and family. Also very weird. The songs my W was picking out were songs from our past that meant something to us. Didn't say a word, just watched and enjoyed my family, and was Happy to do so.

Sunday, back to normal. Did my usual cleaning around the house and was making our bed when my W came in and just went over and started helping me. Just let it happen.

I didn't dwell, we had no R discussions and I still was able to get some good reading in and focus on my week ahead.

This week should be good. Working more on work and opportunities. GAL more. and concentrating on myself and my kids. W gets her space which is what she wants.

[Dtrmned]

So just looking for some feedback on how/when to push any issues. W and I have some decisions to make and I don't know when I should address them and how far to push.

She has stated that she wants to separate and is working towards that. I am detaching, GAL and giving her the space she is asking for and would love to keep our MR together and work at getting to a better place.

With that in mind, we are looking at:

1. Open enrollment for health coverage. The plans are vastly different and based on whether we are together or not would affect which plan I chose. She has very serious health issues and the rest of us do not so one plan would make WAY more financial sense for myself and the kids where as the other would just benefit my W.

2. We have a storage shed which if I got rid of, moved everything into the garage, which means she would have to park outside, would save us $250/mo. BIG savings right now.

3. Would love to change cell providers, cable providers (and service level) to reduce other costs as well.

Outside of separating the rest of the stuff, suggestions on how I should handle these? If I just did the ones above I could save close to $500 per month outside of the healthcare. It would inconvenience my W (not my reason for doing this) but money is tight.

Feedback is appreciated on all fronts...