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Don, you have a good gut.

So let me get this straight..

1. She is texting sexual with you, when you guys havent yet been on a date?
2. Her last boyfriend was a married man?

I gues it depends on what u are looking for.

When i was in my early 20, to me a great guy was someone educated. Someone that was a professional. Some one tall. Someone that wasnt a womanizer. Someone that would make a good father amdand a good provider. Someone that looked good on paper.

Look where i am now.

I think now i am looking at someone that might not have a higher education but saved so he could provide for his daughter. Someone that preferred coming home to his partner as opposed to staying out for a few beers with the people he sees all day at work.

I even wrote something along the lines of
"I dont have any particular types..would just like someone that follows a good moral compass" on my profile.

I do make mistakes. But at least i dont repeat them.


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kml Offline
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Quote:
Among the last girls I've dated - Data scientist for a huge USA retailer, six figures, masters degree; Head buyer for a national retail chain, again six figures, masters. School teacher with a doctorate. Not all of them are in this category but they often possess what I fit with.


Dang, dude - why didn't you stick with one of these? I'd love to find guys with similar/equivalent qualifications to date. So far all that OkCupid is offering up this time is ugly white dudes that appear to have no life or spend it watching football games and riding motorcycles in the desert (n harm in that, they're just usually not intellectual nerds like me). Or cute guys who have a high school education and can't spell and scraping by (again, no fault in that, just not going to be a match for me.) Or the most promising guy, Caterpillar Mustache guy, who apparently made a good living in the past in telecom sales but let his ex squander it all and doesn't seem too financially stable at present (hope I'm wrong but at my age financial stability and a plan for finances in retirement is really important in a potential mate. I'll learn more on our date this weekend.)

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I wanted to get on the phone but she asked to stay on text so we did.


Don't know what her living situation is but I often prefer text at night because I'm also watching tv with my mom (the only time she really gets with me) or otherwise engaged with family - texting allows me to multitask, a phone conversation wouldn't.

Quote:
Still, I see this whole experience as good. It proves I can still have these feelings. On the bad side, every time I do, they are often for the wrong types as this has happened to me before. Or are all women just like this?????? I do best with the outgoing, fun girls. Problem is, they often don't have the other things I need.


Smart girls can be outgoing and fun but sounds like you're drawn to the party girls, who will seldom be what you're looking for.

Quote:
I got a clear DTF vibe from her, let's just say that.


Hey, she's young, single and has a libido - nothing wrong with that. Took me a long time after my marriage ended to adjust to the relative paucity of sex in the dating world, compared to the regularity of it in marriage. Shouldn't be a double standard - apparently you're DTF too even if you don't really find her attractive as a potential mate. So long as the door swings both ways.

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One last thing, we've talked about those guys on OLD who get sexual rather soon, send naked pics, etc. We've asked why would they do this - with it often turning girls who post here off. Well, could it be because there are girls like this one out there???? Just food for thought.


Maybe. Or maybe desperate or insensitive men AND women look the same. Odds are good though that the women who are sexting inappropriately are less likely to be doing so out of unbridled enthusiasm for free love and more out of a somewhat desperate feeling that it's the only way to get a man or it's all they have to offer. (now, granted, a couple of men sent pics because they were rightfully proud of their porn-star-quality genitalia - one particular young man comes to mind......hahaha).

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DonH Offline OP
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Originally Posted By: kml
Dang, dude - why didn't you stick with one of these?


LOL - well... The data scientist I would have and still would in a heartbeat. Problem is, we met while I was on a band road trip to her town. She is a widow with her last child just graduating a few weeks ago. Problem was she lived 10 hours away but came to Chicago (90 minutes from me) about once a month. I was a bit more into her than her me but not by that much. She clearly checked many boxes for me. We are both pilots too - well she was taking lessons but. Anyhow, it never fully took off and then she got moved to Florida about six months ago. She is still the top of my list. Who knows, life may turn again.

The buyer, I may try with again but it's just not there - for either of us I think. And the teacher was actually an old GF like now 30 years ago. We dated for about 7 months again about 5 years ago when her I thought divorced husband, but may have really been separated, dumped his AF and wanted her back. I really have to believe I was part of the reason why when he saw her moving on. They had three kids and nearly 20 years at that point so I bowed out and they are back together - I think re-married but perhaps just never fully D'd.

I know I'm a catch - I have that level of self asteam to say and own that and am told this over and over by many. At 55 I'm financially secure for life and semi-retired for the last nearly 10 years now. I set my own schedule - for a large part - and have plenty of time now - something I didn't have while I was married. No drama, no crazy exes, etc. Own my own home, car, recording studio, etc. Business professional, paramedic, firefighter, was on the radio and chief engineer for years. Still do a radio show once a week. You see the opinion of one of the people I was with this weekend "very welcoming and interesting." I'm rather smart, pretty fun, rather funny - sarcastically so, very talented. Now that's the good parts. LOL. I'm rather love avoidant at this point, EXTREMELY picky and clearly am often attracted to the wrong people - although many others are just in my same shoes - not really looking for anything with some really avoiding it. I still find so many that don't only not want to date me, they don't want to date anyone. I can't and won't settle.

And of course, it's not just me finding someone I really am interested in - they have to be interested in me as well. That doesn't always happen either. It well could be I just am finding the wrong women but dang I'm telling you, it is increasingly looking to me like there are just a lot of crazy women out there - no different than the lack of suitable men you are finding KML.

Sadly, pretty much the only part of my life that has never fully worked out is the relationship part. Everything else I knocked out of the park. I hope I don't sound too conceded here and I of course have my faults but when compared to what seems to be out there - especially OLD - I mean c'mon, how am I in this place? But I am.

I feel I'm on a roll though. Got another great weekend coming up here, including sex with, er um I mean a "date with" this latest girl. LOL


DonH
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All this analysis!

Go hook up have fun and hang out.

V


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


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Quote:
it is increasingly looking to me like there are just a lot of crazy women out there


Haha - yes there are. I have often said I'm glad I don't have to date women! Even my female friendships are limited to the few smart sane ones.

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Well since several of us here are reporting on our weekend dates... I went out with wild girl - which I think is the perfect name for what to call her here. LOL. She lives just a bit over an hour away and as I'm driving to meet her in her small town, I get a text saying "I'm really looking forward to seeing you." Hmmmmmm, nice touch girl. We met on a patio for drinks and perhaps some food. We were both right on time. Her cousin's friend was in from Chicago and she really wanted to see them as well - so much she was nearly torn about keeping our date a few days ago but we decided she should do both.

I found out more and was able to verify other things. The topic of age did come up. She's said before I'm not her typical type or out of her box but didn't elaborate. I'm now better understanding that. Sounds like she's gotten a reputation with the younger guys. She's 42 so I when I told her I'm 55 (only after she asked) she took a bit of a breath and said "It's only a number" as if trying to convince herself.

There was only one brief, slightly awkward silence. Otherwise the conversation, laughter and flirting went well. It was really hot outside, she loves the heat, and it was fine by me since we were the only ones out there which netted me several really nice kisses. I was able to clear up the married guy thing. Not sure if this is shades of the truth and I know as with so many here, people tend to believe what they want to when people tell them things - even though they might know deep down something is wrong - like when someone claims they are not having an affair to their spouse and the spouse wants to believe it. This dude claimed he was separated and D was filed. It was after his wife became pregnant that it came apart and she left. Much better than knowingly carrying on an affair on her part.

She was supposed to leave to meet the others at about 6. Well 6 became 6:30, then 7:00 then a little after when she said she'd better go. More kisses on the street and I said I'd walk her to her car. Well instead she walked me to her friends bar where she had sent the text from earlier. They told her to bring me back if she liked me. Well she did. There was hardly anyone in the bar so we had a few more kisses and a very interesting somewhat brief encounter as we went to the restroom. I shared the details with Ginger off line but the rest of you will have to use your imagination. smile

I really get the feeling I could have pushed things much father. She even said she promised herself she would not sleep with me on the first date. I just knew it was the best to get her to her friends and end an otherwise pretty nice first date after about 4 hours. We went our separate ways although had one or two texts after. She asked if she could call me after she got home later that night but she fell asleep at her friends house.

She was with her family for fathers day. I'm on my way to a gig when my phone rings. It's a guitar player who is now the father-in-law to her brother. I've known him professionally for like 30 years or more. He called to say hi after wild girl to them of our date. "I'm with wild girl's family. I hear you and wild girl had a hot date yesterday." he says. So she obviously told her family - who know me and I was with last weekend. Can't image she'd have done that if she wasn't interested in at least another date or two. Nothing much more since.

So that's how it went. What do I think? Well... I found out things to confirm my suspicions - including pretty significant physical abuse from her ex H. The girls (15 & 17) don't even see their dad anymore. That's sad. It also has to do damage and may be why she leads with sex and not committed hook ups. This is more behavior of a 22 year old not 42. Am I wrong? She is clearly not serious GF material for long term. But I'm nearly certain we will be going out again. Not sure about the cruise. I did bring it up in a round about way - mostly because I was informed on Friday they want my guest's name, DOB, etc. NOW. I think I've still got it pushed off but let her know about this trip and how I get to take someone. I just have reservations she may be too wild and the very last thing I'd want is someone embarrassing me in front of hundreds of people who know me. Remember, I'm there to perform. I DO NOT do drama like that and have never had a "scene" with someone in my life. I'm not starting now.

This post has already gotten long and I'm nearly certain it will be continued, but I already find this interesting. Other than the prior damage and other "issues" at play, she really is what I think and thought I was looking for: Someone that is not looking for serious or a BF, someone that is fun, doesn't live too close so as to "stop over" daily, etc. and someone great in bed. It would appear that's what I've found, but now I'm not so sure it's what I want. I really worry about all the other guys - for multiple reasons including medical. It's nice that I'm in a "Safe" place as there is no way I'll fall for this girl. If she cuts it off, it won't be much of a blow and certainly not like it would be if I really was falling for her. Yet, hmmmmmm, I'm just not sure. Actually, my brain is pretty sure but the rest of me is enjoying it too much to stop. It's still nice to be have someone to do things with. Not going to lie, getting a text or like the phone call yesterday just feels good. I'm in a much better mood - which pisses me off too as it should not take something like this to be in a better mood. I should be putting myself there - not her.

Anyhow, that's the latest. We will see what happens this week. She wants to come and see my house - I know which part of the house too. smile That might happen this Sunday, but nothing at all confirmed yet. And there you go!


DonH
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Boy this is interesting hearing this from the guy's perspective.

I admit I've slept with some men that I knew there was no future with: too young, Love Avoidant, others. But I don't think I've ever slept with someone if I thought I would never be interested in a relationship and suspected they would ( and would get hurt).

Are you really sure you wouldn't ever be interested in a long-term relationship with her? If you wouldn't, do you honestly believe she wouldn't get hurt? Or are you fooling yourself by thinking you won't get involved if you would?

Now she's a big girl, but just don't misrepresent yourself. If you're only looking for fun with no commitment be clear on that. I'm forever grateful to my Love Avoidant friend that I was seeing again recently, for having been painfully clear when I first met him that he "doesn't DO relationships ". The upfront warning allowed me to protect my heart and avoid unreasonable expectations with him. (Which was important because otherwise, he might have broken my heart - of all the men Ive dated since my divorce he's the best fit physically and intellectually - but broken sadly. )

It's good to hear that the married guy lied to her - very common story, not her fault she got taken in. And sad that her exH was abusive.

Have fun but be honest with yourself and her.

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Originally Posted By: kml
I admit I've slept with some men that I knew there was no future with: too young, Love Avoidant, others. But I don't think I've ever slept with someone if I thought I would never be interested in a relationship and suspected they would ( and would get hurt).


Some great points here that are making me think. However, did I say this or imply it? I am very, very careful about this - so much so that I may have missed out on things and certainly gave up sex that was being offered. That has happened so many times - the door was clearly being opened but I knew I didn't want anything more and they did and would really take it hard afterwards. So, no, I don't typically do that.

But why do you think she will get hurt? I'd like to hear.

Originally Posted By: kml
Are you really sure you wouldn't ever be interested in a long-term relationship with her? If you wouldn't, do you honestly believe she wouldn't get hurt? Or are you fooling yourself by thinking you won't get involved if you would?


I was thinking this myself a day or two ago and here is where my concern is. First, as I've said, I've known her aunt for nearly 30 years and now her parents for several. I'd hate for them to think badly of me - especially if they would be correct! Second, as Ginger said in a recent post of hers, it's as if we can't believe what we are being told - and that goes both ways. She SAYS - her words SAY - she does not want long term or a BF. Then again, is that really true or is she going along with what she thinks I want to hear? I mean, I guess I am being kinda stupid to think she's telling her family about me, responding to my texts and calls and initiating them herself, etc. and not potentially hoping for at least something more.

So, yeah maybe I have been fooling myself thinking she would not get hurt. But then again, she is sort of acting that way. But again, is that just an act to not scare me away?

As for me not falling for her. I just don't think I will. There is obviously an attraction there or I would not be interested. I enjoy her and want to see more of her. But the downsides are just screaming at me. Abuse history, party girl, leading with sex and from what I can tell giving it away pretty freely. But then again, she has two really great daughters from what I can tell and for certain a normal family. That accounts for something as it doesn't happen in a vacuum, but also doesn't mean she is not damaged. I just think I need more. - no I KNOW I need more than I think she can offer.

Originally Posted By: kml
Have fun but be honest with yourself and her.


I'm rather confident I'm being honest with myself but thanks for more fully waking me up to being honest with her. I already have been. But still, I know how so many women think - he will change, I will change him, he really doesn't mean in. I then think of other women who I've seen do this to guys. One weekend together and the girl thinks they are a couple if not on the way to marriage! smile

Plus I have been pursing her a fair amount. Heck it was my pursuit that started all of this. I really don't think that happens to her much if at all. Instead, it's just guys trying to get in her pants at bar time. She said it's been a long time since she went on a "real date" like with me.

I'm thinking this could be a fun summer and might even result in her and possibly her parents going on that cruise with me. Beyond that, I just don't see it being a long term relationship. A long term friendship or friendship with benefits - yeah, I could see that. I just don't see love - not on my end anyhow.

What it has also done is shown mean I want something like this and enjoy it more than I thought or remembered. It's really making me want to date or pursue others and I've already started doing that. I feel like I'm getting my mojo back. The very last thing I'd want is to hurt someone that seems to have been hurt a lot in life so far, even more. I'd hate myself if that happened. Regardless of how this progresses - I will keep this forefront in my mind. Thanks for helping to put it there KML.


DonH
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Okay gang, here's my Monday morning date report - only I was still on my "date" Monday morning so I'm finally getting to it Tuesday afternoon.

I have to admit I am surprised - pleasantly so. Yet I still have many of the same thoughts and concerns as two weeks ago but am just going with it - amazingly well for me I might add.

So quick recap, Wild Girl met a year ago, texted on and off and then finally hung out two weekends ago after a gig. Not really an official date, but honestly it was not much different than dates. We then actually met up and went out on a real date last week Saturday. We talked and texted during the week. She had first said she was very busy and wasn't even sure if she could keep the first real date over a week ago. Then late in this past week, Thursday or Friday, she said "I told you I'm off on Sunday and Monday." I finally asked her out again and she said "I thought you would never ask." So we made plans for Sunday afternoon. She lives about 70 minutes away and asked right off "should I bring an overnight bag." This slightly scared me or at least gave me pause, due to her sexual nature and this was early in the going. Yet, drinking and being out later Sunday and driving home is a legit reason to stay - if not a darn good excuse. smile

She arrived about 2 and put her bag in the guest room after I showed her around. hmmmmm interesting. I'd say for sure it was just an act or a gesture but I noticed. We went downtown to the riverwalk which is about 3 miles long with tons of places to stop along the way. Conversation and laughter was pretty much non-stop. She said one of the reasons she's interested or out with me again is because I constantly make her laugh. How often has that been said by women - they want a guy who makes them laugh.

Before we knew it, she asked what time it was. I had no idea and we were both shocked it was already 7:45. We were both clearly having a great time and both said so. We stopped at like half a dozen places. Having to drive, I drank about half as much as she did, together with a couple appetizers. It was just fun, somewhat romantic with hand holding and some kisses, and a good time.

We were going to go back to my house and have a fire in the pit on my deck but we really had not eaten much for like 12 hours so we decided for a late dinner - like around 9. In hindsight not the best idea - Mexican with a large margarita. We made it back to my house by about 10:30 and she was clearly tired and feeling the drinks. This actually worked out for the better, believe it or not as I wanted to make her wait anyhow. I'm not going to get graphic but it really is part of this story so even though her bag was in the guestroom, she was not. She warned me she snores and hogs the bed and then proceeded to prove it about 60 second later. Yes, she was that tired that she was snoring in less than a minute. And I'm not kidding! LOL Being a seasoned musician who sometimes shares rooms with other musicians, I went and got my ear plugs. smile She thought this was hilarious when I told her the next morning.

So up until this point, it was pretty much a typical good date. Had I picked her up or she lived closer, that would have been that. Instead, the next morning is where things really surprised me. After both waking up around maybe 8:30 AM, we lied around until..... wait for it..... 3:05 PM! Time just flew by as we talked (for the most part) about all sorts of things. It was here that I started to see perhaps I had misread her. Or am I just liking her and changing it in my mind? Perhaps it's a little of both but there is clearly more to this girl than I first thought. We both had said early on that we are not each other's typical type. I guess for her that type often is tall, young farm boys - duchebags as she puts it. Very much not me - in all respects. It was very interesting to find out more about her.

We finally made it outside to my deck, too early for a fire but while she had intended to leave for home by then, and had told her daughters she would, she now "decided" or used the excuse of waiting until after the rush hour traffic. So we continued to just hang out, talk about non-sense and fun and some serious things until mid-evening. It was very interesting when she said "the more I talk to you, the more attractive and sexy you become." Again, we've all heard that before too.

She dropped a couple of hints that should could stay another night. We really were having that much fun. However, at this point, I really did think it best to stop here and wait for another day. We were ending on a really, really high note - why keep pushing. Plus, for me, often a three hour date is more than enough... we were not pushing into 30 hours (that felt more like 3) so I know I made the correct decision.

I'm still somewhat where I was when this started. We certainly are different in many ways including I'm 55 and she is 42 - something that I know concerned her or still may. That too, however, she now talks about how I do not at all act or look my age. Both very true statements. Unless there is more to come, she's not as wild as she puts out or I assumed. Wilder than many perhaps but our 6+ hours of conversation Monday showed me again, what I had assumed were random hookups were not. However, perhaps just as bad, she seems to fall quickly, at least for the wrong guys. Like others here on this board, she believes or at least wants to believe what these guys are telling her. Takes them at face value, assumes they really are into her and wanting more from her - then moving on quickly after they get it. That's why, as she claims anyhow, she put a stop to that about 5 months ago - well at least until this weekend. smile

So there you have it. Clearly my best date in a year - perhaps two. It's beyond nice and refreshing to know that I can still enjoy being with someone like this. Only a couple of months ago it was being said:

- You like being on your own better than being with others.
- No woman in the world will ever be good enough.
- You aren't looking and everyone knows that.
- The only women I approach aren't interested either.
- And other such things

Clearly I am still capable of wanting to be with someone - at least on some level. It nearly felt, around the 24 hours prior to this date, like I was again getting "those" feelings... thinking "why am I even doing this?" and "do I really want to be doing this." It was almost uncontrollable how those feelings came and I even didn't want to feel that way. Now, I'm hoping it doesn't happen again or come back. I don't think it will - unless she really pushes or pursues and then....

And of course it's always feast or fammon, right? So I already just got a text from another girl who is in town this week and wants to meet. Of course that's the case! LOL I'll likely go, though I really am busy, and my thoughts might be elsewhere - but it will be a good test.

Wild Girl and I have no future date plans set but she called last night, letting me know she was home and giving me the daughter report (obviously she had to let the girls 15 & 17 know where she was and they figured out with whom) and a few, short, random texts today. I really am busy with more invites than I have time for, plus band gigs Thursday through Sunday with several hours travel time to a few of them. A wedding invite, birthday party, retirement gathering and likely a dinner date with the out of state girl home visiting her parents. It's actually good that we are both so busy as it will help us not to get ahead of ourselves. I'll be driving within 15 minutes of her twice this weekend so that might provoke a short stop. Otherwise I'm thinking maybe 4th of July? Time will tell.

She's clearly interested in going out again as am I. I'm betting she's wondering when the other shoe will drop and I'll turn into all these other guys. Or perhaps she's maybe starting to figure out she's been choosing the wrong guys even though better options are out there. I'd be beyond shocked if she just ghosted me or anything remotely close as I know and will still see her parents and aunt. If anything, she seems to have a hard time being rude or mean to anyone - or perhaps this is a broken part of her - as she admitted that even some of these guys that screwed with her, including the guy who claimed he had left his wife - is still sending texts... that she sometimes answers. Hmmmmmmmm her's to figure out, not mine, but interesting. After seeing a picture of her and I downtown, two of them contacted her. Again very interesting.

So I'm going to move forward. Still don't think I'm in any danger zone other than, if it would end, while I might not be heartbroken over her, that door is clearly now open, I've remembered how much fun all of this can be when it goes well, the seal has been broken so to speak, so it would be extremely hard not to want more - from SOMEONE.

So there you go! My Monday morning dating report - on Tuesday afternoon.


DonH
Midwest
Me 56
WAW-EXW 55
Met 11/95 / Married 5/00
Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06
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Nice! You did good!

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She said one of the reasons she's interested or out with me again is because I constantly make her laugh. How often has that been said by women - they want a guy who makes them laugh.


Actually says that in my OLD profile!

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