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OrangeK Offline OP
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M: 35, EX-W: 3, S:4
All Divorce Proceedings Complete - Oct 18
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2nd EX - Was Engaged - Diagnosed BPD
2 Major breakups.
2 Rebounds
Joined: Apr 2018
Posts: 1,669
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OrangeK Offline OP
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Uhg...All the What If's. The "if I hads".

I have court in 2 weeks to meet about the case regarding the bologna R.O. that i have on me.
This upcoming hearing might be the first time i see my WW in person since Jan 24th.
The anxiety is mounting.
This hearing may see the TRO lifted (i actually dont have high hopes here, but it COULD happen)
this would be a huge shift in the recent dynamic of the whole situation.
I have not had a chance to gauge her mental state, where shes at with the A, or MR (if thats even remotely possible at this point), how things have been at her home with our son. Whether or not OM is still in the picture and if so to what degree.

I both hate and love her, i miss her and want nothing to do with her. She hurt me so bad, but made me so happy.
the duality of all of this is tearing me apart.

I want to yell and tell her all of the 1000 things she has done to hurt me, destroy my trust in others, rip our family apart and put her needs (or desires) in front of the needs of our son.

Im so pissed i didnt find this resource back in Oct.
I hate that I caved to her desires and filed D. I NEVER wanted to.
i just hope and pray the judge accepts my motion to place it on hold, at least until this mess of a domestic case is resolved.
I hate that it makes me look like an abuser. I AM NOT.
I never did anything to hurt her.

Venting over.
Gonna go try and decompress on my lunch break.
Musical therapy time.


M: 35, EX-W: 3, S:4
All Divorce Proceedings Complete - Oct 18
-----------------------------------------------------
2nd EX - Was Engaged - Diagnosed BPD
2 Major breakups.
2 Rebounds
Joined: Feb 2018
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OK, you are doing a lot of backwards looking here. Past is gone, can't change it. Just concentrate on the future. You have had the gift of time and honoring this TRO will be seen as a huge success by the court. I guarantee if you had violated it that it would get extended. By not violating it you've given it a chance to be revoked.

Regardless though you can only control you so continue to do that in the here and now, day by day. Be the best OK you can possibly be!


M(53), W(54),D(19)
M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
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OrangeK Offline OP
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I just live in fear that the TRO will be lifted and she will continue to just ghost me. I know I'm not much more well equipped to deal with her with the DB techniques, but i may have FUBAR'ed this whole situation before ever finding DB stuff.
The fear of the unknown is always the strongest fear.

The remorselessness that she has seemingly thrown away our entire life with is just mind boggling.

Steve, i feel like i am not looking back as much as i am very VERY much fretting over how things will happend in the future.
We will have to co parent no matter what, and i just have NO $*%&ING CLUE how shes going to act, treat me, expect or say when we can talk.
She has hidden behind the RO for so long i dont know if i will even recognize the woman i talk to when its gone.

I feel like my wife is dead. Whoever carrys hear name and wears her face these days......just isnt the amazing soul i fell head over heels for.

I miss my happy family so much. i miss waking up on sundays and having us all pile in bed and laugh. So much.
it breaks my heart to a million shards to think she isnt missing that, that she isnt hurting for our boy.
she may be, thats the problem.
I HAVE NO IDEA.

frown


M: 35, EX-W: 3, S:4
All Divorce Proceedings Complete - Oct 18
-----------------------------------------------------
2nd EX - Was Engaged - Diagnosed BPD
2 Major breakups.
2 Rebounds
Joined: Apr 2018
Posts: 1,669
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OrangeK Offline OP
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Ok, re-read that last post of mine.
Definitely looking back, i see what you mean.
The feeling that the injustice of this all will never be resolved, acknowledged or apologized for is REALLY hard to stomach.

How could you hurt someone you vowed to love forever, so SOON after speaking that vow.
Married Sept 2016 - Affair began April 2017.
Like, what the actual F**K?
But like you said, cant change the past. I wish i could stop dwelling on it. Ive been waiting 7 months for my Brain to SHUT UP about all this hahaha.

Positives:
The "waves" are less frequent and lesser duration as time goes by.

I know my value. I am a good man husband and father. If she never sees that again, someone else will. Her loss.

Im loving all the activities i have been enjoying that were put off in the past. Cant wait to start climbing again (if the weather ever cooperates!).
(Reframe if you read this, do you climb inside or outside? both?
Im currently at like 5.9 outside on a good day, i am SO OFF MY GAME!)

Looking forward to hiking.

Last but not least AT ALL; my son is now 3.5, he is really starting to become his own person and i cant wait to share all my hobbies and activities with him.
Seeing how hard this has been on him has been the worst.
She must be seeing it when she has him.
Im sure thats my fault too. lol.

trying to stay positive.
The next 2 weeks will be long and hard.
Pray for just results for me people!


M: 35, EX-W: 3, S:4
All Divorce Proceedings Complete - Oct 18
-----------------------------------------------------
2nd EX - Was Engaged - Diagnosed BPD
2 Major breakups.
2 Rebounds
Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 9,822
Likes: 226
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The key is that you are missing it. Don't focus on her. As long as you do that you know you still have work to do in order to detach.

So be prepared in two weeks. Read all of Cadet's links again. Read DB or DR again. Be ready to DB the snot out of her in 2 weeks no matter what she says or does.


M(53), W(54),D(19)
M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
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Originally Posted By: OrangeK
I just live in fear that the TRO will be lifted and she will continue to just ghost me. I know I'm not much more well equipped to deal with her with the DB techniques, but i may have FUBAR'ed this whole situation before ever finding DB stuff.


Orange, YOU didn't create this sitch, SHE did. Going back to your first post, the two of you got married and FOUR MONTHS LATER she changed her online status to single and started trolling for men. Given that the two of you were barely married, it is highly unlikely that this is due to any spousal neglect or issues on your part as that usually takes many years to take root. I think in your case you're just unlucky enough to have paired up with someone that can't commit and settle down.

Quote:
We will have to co parent no matter what, and i just have NO $*%&ING CLUE how shes going to act, treat me, expect or say when we can talk.
She has hidden behind the RO for so long i dont know if i will even recognize the woman i talk to when its gone.


I'm not big on quoting the Bible but there is a lot of wisdom in it and this passage in particular:

"So don't worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries. Today's trouble is enough for today."

Whenever I start to worry about something down the road then I stop and take a deep breath and ask myself if it's worth the energy. Is my worry accomplishing anything? Is worrying about it in advance going to change the outcome? No? OK then I need to worry about things I DO have control over, like paying that bill or getting my deadline done or painting the front door or whatever. But if you want to give that some energy, then focus on YOU. Imagine her worst possible reaction, and visualize how YOU will react to that. Conduct yourself with dignity and respect and no matter how SHE acts, YOU will be the rock.

Quote:
I miss my happy family so much. i miss waking up on sundays and having us all pile in bed and laugh. So much.
it breaks my heart to a million shards to think she isnt missing that, that she isnt hurting for our boy.
she may be, thats the problem.
I HAVE NO IDEA.


You are very young. I was older than you when I had my first kid. You will have these moments again. So many people here are so lost in pain and despair and misery that they are incapable of seeing their lives as ever being positive again. Here's the problem, a WAS doesn't want to return to a sad, depressed, despondent LBS. But if the LBS is happy, independent, strong, attractive, then the WAS may start looking back. One of the fastest ways to get there is to focus not on what you are right now, but what you will be in 6 months or a year or whatever. Picture those moments in bed with someone you love, because it WILL HAPPEN. I don't mean there's a 10% change or 50 or 80, there is a 100% chance, it is a GIVEN. I don't know if it's with this woman or another one, but it will be someone you love and who loves you. So think about that, and let it put a smile on your face. Each day is another step towards that goal.


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
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OrangeK Offline OP
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Steve,

Firstly. You are the man. i love the way you word things.

Second, i am actually printing Sandi's Rules, as well as the rest of the key resources. I plan on pouring over them tonight and writing notes specific to my sitch so i can refer back to them when i am feeling weak.

Still waiting on my copy of the book.


M: 35, EX-W: 3, S:4
All Divorce Proceedings Complete - Oct 18
-----------------------------------------------------
2nd EX - Was Engaged - Diagnosed BPD
2 Major breakups.
2 Rebounds
Joined: Apr 2018
Posts: 1,669
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OrangeK Offline OP
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Sandi,

If you see this.
Can you explain some of the things that made you start to see through the fog?
I have no expectations of this happening with my WW, but where We MAY be able to communicate again coming up soon i want to be as prepared to identify her behaviors as i can be.

I know seeing logically through the smokescreen of emotions will be a huge challenge for me after so long out of communication.
I know she will have the power overcome my resolve if she chooses her words and actions right.

are there Any indicators you can think of i should look for that she is drifting back? Or further away? that A is ending, or getting more serious?
If she is feeling remorse? or scorn?
What are some tell tale signs i should look for?

Red flags and / or Green ones?

just trying to be as prepared as i can.
the next 2 months are gonna be tough. I can do it.


M: 35, EX-W: 3, S:4
All Divorce Proceedings Complete - Oct 18
-----------------------------------------------------
2nd EX - Was Engaged - Diagnosed BPD
2 Major breakups.
2 Rebounds
Joined: Jun 2007
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Well, things had been slowly showing up in the OM that made me question him. I had tried to pass it off as nothing, but it still bothered me to some degree. But getting busted by my grown D, and knowing I would not be able to carry through with my plans.........which was to play innocent and paint my H to look like the bad guy.......was the real splash of reality I needed. It didn't take as much for me, like I hear and read about other WW's. But losing my family's high respect for me was enough! Their respect was the most important thing in my life. We had always lived by a strict code of conduct, so to say I was acting out of character, is putting it mildly.

I would guess that your W will reach out to you.......and until then, don't make a step toward her. She may call or contact you through email/texting to test the waters just a little......to see how you respond to her contacting you. Don't expect her to get off into everything all at once. She may ask how you've been, and some small talk.....and finally ask if you ever think of getting back together or how'd you feel if she came by sometime. She may say she thought about meeting you for the child swap. Just be calm and polite and do NOT press her. She'll have to do this at her speed. If she is sincere and really wants to go back to you, she may act a little nervous or hesitant with her words.

If she is remorseful, then I believe you will see a humility in her spirit. She will be sad and probably depressed. She may lead by saying things like, "You probably hate me", or "You'll never be able to forgive me". Even for an outgoing personality type, it was difficult for me to swallow my pride and humbly ask my H for his forgiveness. I didn't do it right away, but I never left the home either.

Here's the thing. If she starts making little hints.......or leads with something like I gave as an example, don't jump in there and take over the conversation. Don't put words into her mouth. Let her struggle to find the words. They need to be her words, and not yours. It is important that you wait for her to say what needs to be said. Understand? IMHO, it's part of the reconciliation healing process. I've seen some H's so eager to reconcile, they would not give the WW time to complete what she needs to do......and then there would trouble later. Allow her the opportunity to be humble and worried if you'll take her back. Know what I mean? And, if you are angry and hurt, then tell her you need time and that you might consider MC if she'll go.

I've seen so many LBS's think they would just die if they didn't get their WS back again........and they didn't go through the stages they need to process. So, when they finally did reconcile, then they would become the walk away spouse, b/c of delayed reactions for how their wayward spouse treated them. In other words, they put all their focus on just getting the WS back, instead of doing what they read us tell them. I tell LBH's to make the wayward W "work" to get him back. If he takes her back too easily, she'll likely put him through it again. So, don't get in a hurry.

If she shows the slightest bit of blaming you for her actions, haughtiness, anger, resentment, etc., then I don't think she's remorseful. Don't even think of letting her come back until she works through those issues.

It's really hard to say about your W. Artista may be more helpful to you than I am. She had some false start ups with her H, and they were physically S.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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