On another note, I found a really great article on infidelity. I am not sure one is supposed to post links, so I will just say that it is in the October 2017 issue of "The Atlantic". It is a tough and painful read for the betrayed spouse/LBS - and it was for me - but it is well worth it. If you are a LBS who is reeling from an A, I urge you to read it.
I just found out that xW applied for “low income status” at our school and received an 80% tuition break. While I stand to benefit from this, I know her income and she does not qualify for “low income” according to our state’s poverty guidelines and the State Department of Education. She has falsified her income (i.e. lied) in the past for financial gain, but this is the first time I have seen this behavior on a state form and the first time that I benefit from it. I am having an ethical crisis because she is causing financial harm to the school and to the state, and it is fraud or a felony. Since I benefit from it, I feel I am complicit. However, blowing the whistle on her could affect my children and my finances (increased tuition).
I am paying her a lot of support money and she does not use any of it. Does anyone have any idea how to deal with this behavior??? I am trying to take the high road. I still have a lot of anger towards her, especially when she pulls stunts like this.
Things are going well. I have not posted in a long time. I have now been re-married for almost 6 months. We are building a new home together. We now have a blended family. There is some occasional friction between the children, but overall, things are going as well as can be expected. I love my new wife very much. We communicate openly. She is able to state her needs, and tells me when I am not meeting them. This is something I appreciate very much. I still have some occasional fears and flashbacks to my previous marriage. Once you go through the trauma of WAW, you realize that nothing is 100 percent certain. Fortunately, my wife understands my PTSD and is patient with me when I have my moments. xW is still doing her thing. In fact, I still live around the corner from her. I see her much more that I would want, but that is expect due to our children. There are still occasional annoyances, especially when it comes to finances, and I do not expect them to abate any time soon, but I am not weathering them alone anymore.
I am writing this post in the hopes that newcomers on this board see it and realize that even though you feel like you may be in the darkest time of year life, it is a period of tremendous growth, and you will rise above it if you do the work. the 18 months after I moved out seemed very hellish at the time, but I look back on them fondly when I think about how close I have become with my children. Bad experience is still experience. Do not waste it. Learn, grow, improve yourself.
Keep fighting the good fight,
RAI
"Gotta kick at the darkness 'til it bleeds daylight" - Bruce Cockburn
My last post on this thread was 2 years ago. Things are great in my new relationship. We are a large blended family and although it has its ups and downs, overall we are living life to the fullest. I am posting again, after the long hiatus, because I am in financial straits and I was wondering if I could learn from the collective DB wisdom:
In my state, every 3 years or when a child emancipates (as my S18 did), there is an opportunity to review and revise the child support orders. My xW requested the review. As usual, she benefitted greatly from the review. I will now have to pay her much more and she pays a lesser share of the medical expenses. Unfortunately, the fact that I have 4 additional children with my new W does not factor into child support orders. Also, child support does not take into account that xW refuses to pay for college for my S18 because he is no longer a minor, and I am shouldering the entire financial burden myself. At every opportunity, she has portrayed herself as a victim to get more scholarship money for camp and school. She has lied on scholarship request forms and she has avoided school tuition altogether in the past. She is not a victim. She is a financial predator. I am already paying for two households. xW is taking more money and NOT giving it back to the kids. She is essentially depriving them of money.
I am already not making ends meet, and I am still saddled by old debt from the divorce, school tuition, mortgage, camp, etc. My W and I are already working full time. Beyond the awful pit I have in my stomach from this, my question is what should I do in this situation? Should I just accept the new support orders and continue to amass more debt? hire a L and contest the change in the orders? Does anyone know the process to contest the proposed changes? Is there a way to do this without L? Which would be more financially beneficial - to accept the new orders or challenge them? Whom can I ask about this and who can help me make these calculations?
Doesn’t your current wife receive child support from her children’s father? Is her income not enough to pay her share of household bills? Or did you voluntarily take on paying for her and her family when you couldn’t really afford it?
It’s my understanding that the child support is pretty much by a formula in most places - if your income increased and/or hers decreased, you would owe more. And I think in most jurisdictions they don’t care about whatever additional obligations you have taken on since your divorce. You might speak with a lawyer about it but I don’t know that this will be fruitful. As for straightening out your finances:
1) You mention paying for S18’s college. He should be taking out student loans, going to a state school, working summers. You clearly cannot afford to pay for college for all these kids. They will need to take responsibility (I know there is still a parental contribution even so).
2) You mention school tuition. If your kids attend private school, they need to switch to public school. You don’t have private school money.
3) Cut household expenses. Dave Ramsey, Tightwad Gazette - you need to squeeze daily expenses to pay down those debts.
4) Raise income. Does your wife work outside the home? If not, she needs to find a way to bring in income. Can you increase your income in your job, or take a new job at a higher salary?
5) Take a second job or start a side hustle for some extra income.
Also - you mentioned camps. Are these an inexpensive substitute for childcare during school breaks? Or an extra that needs to be cut?
I don't personally agree with Dave Ramsey's politics, but his radio show/books/and/or Financial Peace University might help you get out from under your debts and living within your means. He's helped many people get out from huge debts.
BTW you can listen to Dave Ramsey's radio show online - many inspiring stories who have dug themselves out of massive debt. Or read his book Financial Peace. What you're doing right now isn't working, and focusing it all on your ex is not going to help. It sounds like your financial issues are a lot greater than a few hundred dollars more in child support.
