Just a Vanilla change 36

[Vanilla]

RD I am taking my night visitor very seriously I promise. Some friends have gone on holiday for their fortieth anniversary and I am caring for their very elderly rottweiler called Scooby. No teeth and wants to lick you and he adores his aunty V. Nothing to do with gravy bones in pockets, oh not at all.

But he has a loud bark, so I am feeling quite safe.

I think the G is back in Italy, for my sake I won't say how I know, but it doesn't involve snooping.

I bought some clothes and a couple of glam necklaces on eBay for very little cash. I also bid on a couple of items.

I think about philosophical stuff quite a lot these days, maybe it's age.

I have very vivid dreams too. There is a buddist thinking about 'shattering', that ones heart gets shattered and put together in a life time.

I love this idea, I think it was gan who once said there is a porcelain which is repaired with gold and remade. Kintsugi, and that is my core. I have a Kintsugi heart repaired by kindness of strangers with gold leaf and made to be better than before.

It would make a good handle one day. Apt. Kintsugi.

Today someone said to me V, you are an adult now. I am unsure exactly what that meant I was before, but the comment pleased me. Yes, I have grown up and it pleases me to think someone else sees it too.

Buttrfly thank you for your lovely words. It is interesting you ask those questions because it's hard to see shift in oneself. Frankly I never see myself as courageous, I don't think we ever do truly see ourselves as others see us. There are days I barely cope with life, days I don't see the wood for the trees and other days when the world is fine and sunny. These challenges were not those I would have chosen at this stage in life. But these challenges are less than some others have faced, that does not invalidate my challenges. But really V get over yourself already. I look and read about some of the mums and dads on this board with waywards and who are the bedrock for their children, my heart bleeds for them.

Some sitches are so so crazy loco, that when I read them I think WTF! And now I know mine is one of those where this stuff and actions of abusers and waywards are unbelievable. You truly could not make this stuff up. Crazy stuff to be read on here, fermented oatmeal to cure VD and Lyme, going Alaskan, disappearing spouses poof gone, sex trade workers going wild, some of this stuff is truly bonkers. Truly truly bonkers.

Yet lives are rebuilt, hearts repaired with gold and we go on.

So amy I better than I was? Possibly not but I am surely different. I am an adult.

V

[kml]

Oh my god yes, the fermented oatmeal cure!!!! Almost forgot about that one!

[Vanilla]

You can never forget fermented OATMEAL!

I guess I was triggered by the G and the back garden and now i am panic and anxious about lots of random stuff. Things worry me more than they should when I have had a PTSD incident.

The big house not selling for instance, fins are very dire still as every penny is going to fight the G legally and pay his settlement. I hate it that it is like this. Truly do hate it.

I feel overwhelmed and overloaded at work, trying to do lots of stuff. It is a problem for me to make changes when I am in this mode. Truly it is an issue and I don't want it.

A couple of minor screw ups that I would take in my stride and that's it, life is a tragedy in my head. Of course outwardly it's ok, I am like a Swan paddling furiously under water. I get it.

Then I think I should retire, stick my head in the sand and just fade. But I can't, I have bills, debts, loans and other stuff I have to clear first.

The G is paid off but my L isn't. Things need handling and resolving. The credit cards paid off. I am timid and hesitant sometimes, unsure of my position. And I make mistakes, that's so easy when you are triggered, you can make mistakes by doing stuff and you can make mistakes by not doing stuff. My work is very complex and it needs a clear head which I often don't have. Sometimes I think I am losing my grip but then I am not losing my grip.

They say FEAR is false evidence appearing real, but trust me that isn't the case, you aren't paranoid if they really are out to get you. And you can be afraid if there are monsters in the back garden.

It's hard to remember you are trying to drain the swamp when you are knee deep in alligators. I wish I had aged pa to talk to, his voice and love always calmed my nervous system.

Back to studying, I think I should go dancing tonight.

V

[Coconut]

V, the way you write is like reading a book of poetry, not the rhyming kind, but the kind that comes together when you least expect it. I'll be honest, I don't always get the meaning behind some of your posts, but I do enjoy reading them.

Anyway, keep paddling furiously under water, just make sure that your beak keeps pointing towards the most important destination and that you're not going in circles. Getting to one place and crossing that off the list has a remarkable way of removing burden from how many other places you must paddle to.

[Vanilla]

I have been powering your words Coconut. Thank you for the frankness on my writing. I accept the compliment.

I think maybe that I could be clearer on my rambling thoughts sometimes. I confess I think in film style with subtitles and sound. And often with music, so perhaps that's why it's lyrical I think. Sort of like a film projected onto a 3D screen.

Trauma is tough to write about, the experience is vivid and triggering. I would ask that you consider that being triggered is of itself a reaction to a trauma and that it does not need to be diagnosed, just felt. If it seems like a PTSD reaction that you have experienced, if its that to you then it likely is.

You can heal such trauma and be freed from triggering, it sounds odd because to walk to the pain and to agree that the trauma can be ok seems contrary to logic. It works, we can be authentic and free of trauma, we can acknowledge it and be open about it, and we can win release of it. Sort of like lancing a boil to release the poison. You are pushed to let trauma go. It is a drive to health.

V

[Vanilla]

I have been pondering revenge. I felt like getting even with the G for his meaness, waste and destruction.

Now I know that he has given himself my revenge. Delivered my revenge to himself. Like posting a poison pen letter with his own address.

Sleeping in his exW back garden in the snow whilst drunk and locked out of the warmth is revenge from the universe.

Gotta love it.

V

[Vanilla]

Just thought I would relay a short convo I had last night with a fellow (female) dancer. She said (I will call him A) "why did you never date A ten years ago, he was very keen on you". I said "he never asked me". She said "figures".

We both laughed a lot.

V

[Dawn70]

"A" lost out, lovely V....his mistake.

[rd500]

Have to agree with Dawn , 'A' lost out big time.

Take care , Rd

[Surfer]

Hello V

Just checked your recent posts.

How’s it going? How was Easter? How are you, with the DB stitch and generally?

Surfer