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A Message from Michele
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#2785345 - 04/14/18 02:29 AM Re: Just a Vanilla change 36 [Re: Ggrass]
Vanilla Offline

Registered: 10/03/14
Posts: 7911
Loc: UK

It is so fabulous to hear from you. I have missed you my gorgeous wonderful funny aussie friend, with the rainbow eyes.

I am coming straight over to your thread to catch up

Biggest hugs

Life is for living

V 63, WAW now free from the G

#2785402 - 04/14/18 09:04 PM Re: Just a Vanilla change 36 [Re: Vanilla]
Vanilla Offline

Registered: 10/03/14
Posts: 7911
Loc: UK
So shift.

The recent incident of the snowman footsteps in the night has created the next shift.

I had lost my wicked humour (threw it in the attic when the G started his raging and tantrums). Yes, Jim (love you wherever you are) he was thrashing like your two year old. A very dangerous two year old, capable of great damage.

And Edz, glad you repaired your M with your walkaway but you believe humour although a risk was important when wading through a sewer. Oh and hold your head up high.

My tribe who got me through those early days of crazy, RD my special Irish friend who has love that's real, 9 months dating so proud of you.

Oh yes, whilst having a clear out I found the wicked humour box, the creature in it was still alive, thank goodness.

It feels good to be V right now. To be in the sunshine and alive. So so good.

It might have been sooner but I doubt it. Although I did DB full on for a while I was lucky, the G and his crazy abuse was event and it is very clear that DB abuse is not a good thing. It makes it worse.

And the G would not leave, wouldn't go. My house and I left! The G wanted cake and abused to get it. Goddamn it he wanted it all and to abuse as well.

We are still not D, oh yes the fins are done. The G won't get the last tranche until he pulls objection to the D. Another couple of months and his ability to do that will be gone and the D has to restart.

If he wants D he will need my consent, and that will cost the last tranche of his cash or he can wait until I file again after 5 years from 2 May 2015.

Oh yes I could end up being M to this jerk until 2 May 2020. But he won't get his cash. Maybe that's what he wants?

I feel so powerful right now. And unafraid and full of mischief.

And he can't come near me, the nice judge says so. And if he does the nice policeman will take him away.

I am moving on with my life.

And he can't M the BIT how convenient for him, and she knows. She haunts my FB page and an admirer of mine in the G outer circle has shown the footsteps photos to the BIT daughter.

Oh how sweet are the small victories.

Now I have them I can move on.

I would like all the LBS here to have small sweet victories to shift, we bare a lot and we bear alot. We deserve the shift, it's ours by right. And I do believe that ultimately it's the target, usually the LBS who says enough and it's done.

And it my case it's done and I am laughing with wicked humour.

It's almost a cackle.

Life is for living

V 63, WAW now free from the G

#2785404 - 04/14/18 10:39 PM Re: Just a Vanilla change 36 [Re: bttrfly]
Vanilla Offline

Registered: 10/03/14
Posts: 7911
Loc: UK
Originally Posted By: bttrfly
Mwah! Morning Darlin V ... or good afternoon in your neck of the woods ... stopping by to say cheerio and to tell you that i'm sending hugs all the way across the Atlantic ... brave of you to venture over to my chickpad on the darkside xoxoxoxo nice to "see" you there xoxoxoxo


You are one of the rare creatures from MLC land that ventures out. I am one of the rare ones that ventures in.

It's like a quest of doom when I go in, a quick post and out. Darkside is correct! It's full of good folk with spouses who are scarey ass dudes and dudesses (if there is such a thing) having a condition that doesn't exist and can't be treated. The condition it's rumoured just spontaneously remit after years of suffering from entitlement and self importance. Providing the spouse hangs on by their finger nails and lives on shite sandwiches with a side dish of hope.

All the spouse can do is wait it out and 'take it' until, the condition resolves or they die. Sort of like having a parasite which might kill you one day.

I was lucky I avoided the cheeseless tunnel of MLC. My dude of crumminess went straight to full on abuse and skipped the MLC crazy loco mode of doom. He went terminal shining his hate and spew threatening harm all the way. I have a spare spew jacket and perspex spit shield to hire out.

As a result I came straight here, from newcomers to the sunniest of spots where folk recover, the slow Lane of DB but the most pleasant. Where folk chat easily and laugh a bit and get on with the serious jobs of recovery and getting a new life.

This is the land of having let go or at least 2anting to let go (a process), we get our shite sandwiches of stupidity and absolute horror of dire fins. But we got our INTEL, no need to snoop.

Our exes attend our grandmothers funerals with their OP, sleep in our back garden in the snow, marry OP, steal our insemination kits and do horrible things to our kids.

The thing is, we know they are loco and are glad they are there and we are here. We know we have been cheated on, lied to, stolen from and (in general) although it's tough most of us are glad we are free. More in sorrow than anything else but it's ok. We are D, our troubles are new partners, perhaps finding and trusting or even saying 'nah' and getting on.

That MLC place is real scarey to me, I could have disappeared in there, I am the type that empathises with those with FOO, bad decisions and thinks that peeps are basically ok. That sweet partner we once loved will return one day and zip up or put their knickers back on and all will be ok.

Thank God I am not in there. I resist the temptation to rush in there and say WTF are you doing working on hope with a lying cheating wassock? OK I kind of get hanging on when there has been no cheating, and yes I know there are special sorts of cheaters and abusers that are unlike other cheaters and abusers. Nice glitter ball ones with promise. Ones that might return with brain cells. Sort of like the winner in the Hunger Games gets to stay alive, the MLC spouse wins another ride.

But I don't get it, truly don't get it. Perhaps there are nice chick and guy pads in there. If I go in then I will Buffy and slay those vampires. Afraid I see the abusive as a species that should be taken to the Atlantic and dumped unceremoniously overboard in a life raft to live forever. It's a fact that the entitled don't go live with another entitled, there is no marrow to suck. No fresh blood of Virgins to drain.

Oh, that MLC area is one h@ll of a dark place, land of those living with the living dead. If it were me I would say, hell there are zombie MLC folk feeding in there, run.

Oh boy, oh boy. I love the land of the living and Surviving the D is the very best area of the board with wonderful strong folk growing, shifting and although struggling, getting a new life. Past neighbours return to say hi V, how are you doing, things are super great, and I smile and am so happy.

Aren't you tempted?


#2785409 - 04/14/18 11:49 PM Re: Just a Vanilla change 36 [Re: Vanilla]
rd500 Offline

Registered: 09/13/14
Posts: 2190
Hi Lady V , wonderful post, your bare all comment is so true. In my humble opinion you never lost your humour or the true lady V but more it was buried under all the crap. It did shine through with your loving and caring posts for others bit for yourself it was buried.

It is all about letting go and moving forward while accepting our own failings. In your case there wasn't any failings, your H was/ is a very unpleasant character and only your caring nature stopped you seeing what was apparent to others including your wonderful Pa.

9 months and all is good. S23 ( hard to believe) had his birthday yesterday and we had a great day. Out last night for the family meal to which GF joins but no overnights at home with GF yet. Youngest is 13 and while she thinks GF is great , I'm very mindful of her and the others about bringing GF too far into their lives too quickly.

We can all find happiness but imho we have to be happy with ourselves first. Now lady V is finding happiness in herself, her Mr Charming will make himself known. You truly deserve someone you will treat you the way you will treat them. Lady V is back and ready to take on the world.

Take care, Rd

#2785429 - 04/15/18 03:03 AM Re: Just a Vanilla change 36 [Re: rd500]
JujuB Online

Registered: 02/16/16
Posts: 956
I for one agree 100 percent with this post.

I think many of us start out in newcomers clinging on to that last bit of hope to salvage our marriage. That's what this forum offers us. Hope.

When i first came on, the overall tone was to look at our actions. Make changes. I even read posts advising people to eat that sh!t sandwich.

But lets use some logic and self preservation people!!! Why the h@ll would anyone eat a sh!t sandwich? You would suffer from ecoli and all other sorts of dangerous microbes that could kill you! What the hell type of advise is that? There's no logic to the analogy. Nor to the advise.

Most people on here arent coming on here because they are saving a marriage. They are on here trying to justify staying in an abusive marriage.

Abuse is cheating. Abuse is financial infidelity. It's not complaining cause someone left the toilet seat up. I haven't read LBS complaining cause the toilet seat was left up.

#2785514 - 04/16/18 03:10 AM Re: Just a Vanilla change 36 [Re: JujuB]
Vanilla Offline

Registered: 10/03/14
Posts: 7911
Loc: UK

Here is a T shirt, it says "I am not eating shite sandwiches any more".

Sometimes, we have to wait until peeps have the spell break, then they need the T shirt.

Abuse comes in all shapes and sizes and with all colours of wrapping round the sandwich. But the taste is the same no matter the wrapping.

Spit it out.

Trouble is each one has their own journey to spell break. Once you know then you can't unknow.

So having reached the wonderful point of knowing then it's obvious in others sitches isn't it. Would we can save others the pain and the sandwiches. But we can't, no go.

I have had posters tell me something written was a wake up call or a different view caused spell break. And even after spell break the serving of the sandwiches doesn't stop.

It can even be on someone else's thread.

One very kind poster told me some written words would not go out of his mind, so when the next plate of sandwiches arrived he went "noooooooooo" done.


You never know, but those folk in MLC land (want to wrap you all in love and hugs) who seldom venture out seem to hot house those sandwiches. I suppose if you eat them in small bites over a long time it's ok (well better than a steaming pile).

But I am with you Ju, we can wear our T shirts.

As I made my mantra for a long time "I will not be abused" now it's "life is for living"


On a different note and extreme self care, I had very good news in deed.

Whilst I was with the G , I put on weight and my health slid down hill. Very very fast.

Especially my eyesight and my teeth.

TWO things

I had my diabetic eye check today, my glaucoma pressure is now 7! That's amazing for my age. And my eyesight glasses prescription is back to that which it was before I met the G! Unheard of. Especially as I was told my eyesight was failing.


I also had my jaw checked, the holey Swiss cheese jaw of doom and unlikely as it seems I have regrown bone! Not supposed to be possible at my age.

Oh yes......

Extreme self care works. EXTREME.

Excuse me whilst I whistle a happy tune.

Life is for living

V 63, WAW now free from the G

#2785561 - 04/16/18 09:05 AM Re: Just a Vanilla change 36 [Re: Vanilla]
JujuB Online

Registered: 02/16/16
Posts: 956
Awesome news V! Your body is back to working for you!

My spell break was 9 months post BD. I was on the phone with ex reminding him of how he didnt even want to talk to me at work when i was upset that i had to induce my miscarriage. I had been going to work for weeks with a dead fetus in me. (We were arguing about who was wrong in the relationship and I recognized how unsupportive he had been. What a useless, tunnel to go down) he went and said to me.."yeah. (Admitted that he was unsupportive) but thats because you wished for the miscarriage " ( I was scared cause i was diagnosed with melanoma and was afraid they would tell me I had to abort) the fact that he used against me something so painful made me realize how horrible he was/is.

Now he acts all nice and agreeable. Nut i think back to that and am really disgusted by him. And he was completely unsupportive during any health crises.

Here's the thing. The degree of your ex's sociopathy helped you spell break quicker. In a way his extreme cruelties was a good thing.

My ex's coldness and ability to discard and never look back was a good thing for me too. I had no choice but to move on.
Only other "man" on here who left in a similar fashion I believe was gingers ex.

But its good that he left. My life is easier without him then with him. That's for sure.
M: 42
H: 43
Twins age 5
WAH in summer

#2785598 - 04/16/18 06:44 PM Re: Just a Vanilla change 36 [Re: JujuB]
focus22 Offline

Registered: 10/24/15
Posts: 594
Loc: Scotland
Lady V, this in incredible news on the health front!!

And I absolutely love everything else that you said as well.

A wise woman once said to me 'what you allow is what will continue'. She was someone in the industry, and I think she knew about XH and his affair. I think she was telling me (but I didn't quite understand what she meant, fully, because I honestly didn't think that my H could cheat). Well, there we go.

The ball is rolling now, you have proof that extreme self care works! And it's the path to go down.
Me: 47, XH: 41
T: 18 years, M: 15 years

EA/PA 1: 6/2012
EA/PA 2: from autumn 2012-present

BD: 5/2013
ILYBNILWY BD & left: 11/2015

OW conceived: 8/2016
Born: 4/2017

H filed: 7/2017
D final: 28/12/2017

#2785656 - 04/17/18 04:38 AM Re: Just a Vanilla change 36 [Re: focus22]
Dawn70 Offline

Registered: 10/21/14
Posts: 1151
Lady V, I'm smiling a smile so big that it would take a whole crew of big burly men to hold me down and wipe it off my face (oh, that might be fun........wait, what was I talking about?). I'm SO excited for you I literally want to jump up and down and scream and hug you. This post is one of the best ones I have read in a long time and I'm THRILLED beyond measure that you are on the path to a complete healing health-wise and heart-wise.

You are a tower of strength, courage, wisdom, support for many on these boards, Lady V and I'm convinced we all know that you are absolutely fabulous. Sounds like you are starting to see it again too and I couldn't be happier for you.

So tickled for you! I wish I could hug you, but you'll have to settle for a virtual hug and tail wags from Molly. She would want to throw in puppy kisses too, I'm sure.
Me 48, XH 50
3 adult daughters from his first marriage
3 grandsons, 1 granddaughter
My 1st marriage, his 2nd
BD 9/29/2014
H moved out 10/6/2014
H filed D 11/4/2014
D final 12/17/2014

#2785672 - 04/17/18 06:04 AM Re: Just a Vanilla change 36 [Re: Dawn70]
job Offline


Registered: 01/16/00
Posts: 24883
Loc: Maryland
I am so glad to come here and read that your health is improving. Stress takes a toll on us and sometimes we don't even realize it.

I think your trip to visit your friend may have been just what the doctor ordered for you. You sound very strong and super positive.

Please take care of yourself. You are an inspiration to all of us.

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