Bye bye limbo -- it's time for a change

[mleigh4]

Gotcha Cali. Maybe that's why she kept looking at me when she was saying we need to do something. She also brought up Community Property and how our debt is each other's debt. Being in escrow, I am familiar with most of that, but did not know the taxes are too even if you file separate, so thank you!

We both got refunds, his was just much smaller, but it did occur to me that can bite me while disclosing assets! It is what it is. I am getting my ducks in a row and ready to make appt for mediation. I plan on letting him know this weekend when I have to see him.

S birthday is Saturday, so trying to make that my focus until then. I am attending my first divorce group tomorrow night and I am really looking forward to it. I hope it is a good fit for me.

Good night
M

[mleigh4]

Hello. Hope you all are enjoying your weekend. We are getting a mix of rain and sunshine here, but it smells like Spring! I so look forward to bringing my backyard to life again to enjoy it!

I have been under the weather all week. Feel better one moment, then worse the next. I was too excited to miss the divorce group so I was able to go. I loved it. I instantly felt connected with everyone there. The things that were being shared and discussed were just like being here in real life. Every person says their spouse has turned into someone they don't know.

The good thing I noticed is that I have been through a lot of the phases so far. They are all 8 to 9 months into separation and divorce. One lady just six weeks. Here I was saying 4 years! But as they talked and the group leader was giving them coping advice, it was the same advice we get here. I also was able to add some examples of what helped me through some tough times, I realized I can be a help to them along with my own healing. The group leader assured that this should help me through my next phase. When she said she understood my anger, resentment and confusion being 4 years in and still married, and wondering what am I? Married? Single? I just new, these people get it. She said I would be further in the process if 4 years divorced vs 4 years separated....true. But I don't regret for a moment taking that time and I know for sure I am ready to move on. She said my situation is not uncommon.

One thing she told us, is to have faith, that we have been taken out of this situation for a reason, that there is a better plan for us. It is a faith based group through the church, but she is twice divorced, her current husband also divorced. She said she never imagined how happy she could be with her current husband, and that everything she went through brought a peace and faithfulness out in her that she never had. So true and so much of what we learn here! I can't wait for my next class.

S 11th bday was yesterday. I spent 1/2 day with him, then he went to his dad's. He didn't want any kind of party, just his buddy over, which H hosted at his place. FIL wanted to take him out to lunch, so they went today, with H and MIL.( Funny how she is now in the picture with FIL. )That kind of stung, I wasn't invited. Honestly though, not sure I would have gone. This is exactly what I need to get used to, and it's not about me. I made S a birthday breakfast and didn't invite any of them, so it's just the new norm. At 10:09 last night, I texted S that at this moment 11 years ago, I was given the best gift of my life, that I love him. He texted me back love you too.

At drop off today, I asked H if he had given any more thought to going through mediation or just using a paralegal. He said he thinks we can be cordial through this, he doesn't really understand how mediation works, he said the cheapest simplest way is best and up to me. I have been giving it lots of thought myself. I worry he won't show up for mediation appointments. Mediation would entail a 30 minute drive and hours of time off work, and possible interference with S school schedule.....paralegal is right in town and I can do the appointments on my own. I had decided that I am willing to start that way, and if we hit any bumps, then we can move on to mediation or a lawyer. H agreed.

I asked H, are you willing to let us stay in the house until S finishes high school? He said he isn't thrilled about it, but he doesn't want to make S move out of his home, and he knows it would be near impossible for me to buy or rent anything around here, he mentioned what his mom is going through with her house and having to move away because of home prices, so he said yes, that's fine.

I am ready to contact the paralegal and file now. While talking, I was proud of us. Very calm and kind to each other. I didn't feel any anger bubbling up, just a very strong desire to disconnect myself from him. I think between my support here and my new friends in my support group, I can get through this. I know he may change and monster, but I am willing to give cordial a chance. At least I can finally get the ball rolling.

Thanks for listening and for everything I have learned here!
M

[mleigh4]

Hello.

I went to see the paralegal today and got the paperwork started to file. I was fine until I got there. Once she started asking questions I started feeling overwhelmed. I was even filling out forms wrong. Not sure what that was about.

Anyway, I didn't realize I needed to know the main terms of what I want as far as splitting assets, support and custody. I guess that all goes on the petition. I gave her all the info H and I had agreed on, but there are still some things unresolved, like retirement. I go back in a week to sign what she prepares.

I left feeling rushed and frazzled. I hope I am not making a mistake by doing this with her. I am thinking I will take the petition to a lawyer to review before I have her file it? I also have some more questions....I just know I am being very nice in waiving many things in lieu of staying in our home, and she can't give me advice. I just don't want a lawyer leading me into an ugly battle. To me, peace is better than money, and that's all I want for S and I. To just keep living the way we are.

I hope with some time to sleep on it and some number crunching, I can feel a little better about my choices.

Does anyone know, during this process, where we make the final decisions on assets? Is the petition filed just a preliminary step? I live in CA. Any advice will help.

Thank you
M

[bttrfly]

Yes, run it all by a lawyer. Do you know any personally?

I'm not sure of the CA process, but this is a universal:
* Know what YOU want. Know what is important to YOU. You cannot negotiate anything until and unless you know exactly what you want.

ex. sounds like the priority is keeping the house until son graduates HS. You will need other things too though.

I hope this helps in some small way. And === don't worry if it takes more time than you thought it would. This is a big deal. Take all the time you need so that you're really sure and comfortable with your agreement.

{{{{{{{Hugs}}}}}}}

[mleigh4]

Thanks Bttrfly. Last night I started panicking and had to talk myself down.

I am in control
I can take as much time as I need
Nothing is getting filed until I feel comfortable with it
I am 99% sure about what I want, so almost there
I have a lawyer I will make an appt with to make sure I am covering all my bases
THEN I will file

Saw H this morning at drop off and I was reminded of the friendliness and harmony I want to keep intact. For our S.

All good here, I got myself rebalanced.
Have a good day
M

[CaliGuy]

M

I too live in Cali I know that is hard to believe given my screen name.

So we went through the 3 failed mediation attempts before we actually went the court route but honestly they are very similar. The courts and the lawyers for the most part seem to prefer that you figure it out between yourselves... in my case it was a tit for tat ... OK you get this I want that, I will give up this and if you give up that. As far as assets its a line by line thing.

I read somewhere that you never really get everything you want but you hope to get to an agreement you can live with. In my case she had her lawyer in her ear, I was armed with several consultations knowing what I would get which helped me, they tried the bully tactic so I countered with a "I will go for everything and lawyer up if needed" which they did not want so they were more willing to budge on the financials and I had to agree to things that were of no consequence but it was like she had to win somewhere (I actually had to agree to not give S rides on the motorcycle for example ... not a big deal as it has one seat!!).

Going in I knew what my number would be if the courts were to settle it which is a very big deal in this case just knowing what you could get and for me I settled a bit below that but was at peace with it.

[mleigh4]

Thank you Cali. You live in Cali? Ha ha.

I thought mediation was different in that you do it together. With this route, it seems more like going back and forth? I feel like I am going behind his back this way, but he declined mediation so it is what it is.

I remember your several attempts at mediation, and all the postponed appointments, in fact it's one of the fears I had with going that route with H. I look forward to my consult because I have alot of questions.

Like you, I plan on finding out what I would get if it was left up to the courts so if he squabbles, I have that to fall back on. I really don't know what to expect with H or how he will react to it all. I left a message for the lawyer, just waiting on a call back to set appt.

I had such a busy day today and I am pooped! I am so happy it's Friday

Have a great weekend

[mleigh4]

Hi everyone.

Not much new, just checking in. The paralegal has my petition drawn up and ready to file. I have an appt. next week with a lawyer to go over everything. I was bummed that she couldn't get me in for 2 weeks, but it actually has given me time to get all my financials and questions together. I am so eager to get this going, but I remind myself that this is not something to rush. I have not relayed any of this to H. One step at a time. Once I see lawyer, I might then let H know papers are being filed, just common courtesy. I struggle with what I tell H and when......I figure once I talk with lawyer I will decide that. My goal is to keep the peace and be fair.

The best part is that I have no fear of this being a mistake. I am so ready and it feels so right. It's such a relief.

H and I barely talk. Now that S has a phone, we don't need to much. It's just hi and bye now. Not a single word from him about divorce, I would guess he thinks I have once again put it on the back burner.

Grammy was over yesterday and asks me, guess who is doing mediation? I said oh, I'm sorry to hear you guys have decided to divorce. She said not just me, but your husband too! I said what? She said she told H that her and her husband are going to begin mediation and she explained it to him and he said he would like to do mediation too. I got so mad. I gave him handouts and information, explained it to him, and he said no. Mommy talks, and he says yes. It just drives me crazy! This was my whole marriage!

So later that night I took dog for a walk so I could clear my head and release my anger. Each breath out was my anger out. Bottom line, it's too late for mediation. I have already paid the paralegal and papers are drawn. Surprise H! You know what though? I am glad that I chose this way because I have control, I don't have to depend on H to show up to appt's, and we all know how he drags stuff out! Also, he probably just said that to her, who knows if he really means it. Doesn't matter now does it.

I am still enjoying my divorce group. This week touched on the topic of guilt that comes with the decision to divorce. This class helped me to realize this still isn't my choice, but more of a necessity to protect myself, and to help me move on. H is gone and has been for years, there is no chance of reconciliation with this man, it's time for me to heal. I still love the man I married, but I am not divorcing the man I married. They all assured me they understood my guilt, but also stand by me with this decision, along with the man upstairs.

So life is good. Emotions come but they don't stay long, they are passing quicker and easier. I am taking good care of myself and taking advantage of quiet time, to keep my head clear. I have become a bit of a hermit but feel I need this right now.

I hope you all enjoy your weekend.
M

[Sotto]

Hi MLeigh, I can totally understand your frustration with your H and the mediation. But I think you are handling that well and focusing on what you get to control. If he missed the 'window' for that, despite your suggestion and information - well that's too bad. And now you will move the process forward as you think best.

Just one thing that occurred to me. I notice there have been a few interactions with MIL that have caused you to feel upset or angry. From all that you post about her, I wonder whether giving her any power is serving you well? She will probably carry on saying the kind of stuff she is saying - whether you choose to have that kind of conversation with her, or let what she says 'get to you' is up to you I think...anyway, food for thought maybe?

I'm so pleased you are finding the divorce group helpful. For me it was one of the best things I did and I made half a dozen or so lasting friendships from attending. As it was 2.5 years ago for me, people's lives are unfolding in different ways. Some still trying to finalise and resolve things, others remarried and some casually dating or happily single, but it has helped me immeasurably.

I found your post above a positive one in so many ways, and so Kudos to you my friend. And I get you with the hermit phase. I have those too and it is good to give yourself what you need.

Take care and big hugs to you xxx

[mleigh4]

Hi Sotto,
Yes I have many issues with MIL, I have for a very long time. She was a big problem in our marriage as H always sided with her, not me, in many different areas, especially parenting.

The only reason I see her is because she picks up S one day a week. They are very close and I don't want to interfere with that. I have to see her because she couldn't handle confirming with me that she got him from school, so now she picks him up from me.

I don't bring up H, she does. And she is just as unemotional and perky about her 3rd divorce as H is about ours. They are a strange breed. I agree it's time to set yet another boundary with her. No more talk of H. The good news is she has to move about 2 hours away because she can't afford this area when she sells her home, which is happening very soon. There will be no more Grammy days. I'm sad for S, but relieved for me.

Thanks for your post Sotto, I do feel positive right now. I am taking healthy steps in the right direction, just a slow mover sometimes.

Have a great Sunday
M