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Oh, yes I agree with Job - you don't need this right now. I would second the 'do nothing' approach. And if she does ask you, reply - oh my goodness I'm behind on emails just now. So sorry not to have come back to you..

Tell yourself - it is okay for me to say no if this doesn't work for me.

Xx


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
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I couldn't help but chuckle .... you are about to press the D button and have MIL come live with you .... who's MLC is this ??!! laugh

Sounds like you are processing well and looking ahead at a better you and a better life .. its a nice place to be.


M: 48
W: 47
M16 T26-S8
BD Sept13



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DnJ Online
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Hi M

My advice is to not have her move in with you. That would be a lot of stress you don’t need.

20 or so years ago my parents moved out to our town. They lived with us (me, W, and 1 or 2 kids can’t remember right now) for four months, while I renovated their home to make it wheelchair accessible.

* This written from the 20 years ago pre-MLC perspective.

We love my parents and have a large 3 story home (include the basement and it’s around 5000 sqft). This still wasn’t enough room. It is very stressful living with others, even loved and loving parents. If it was just me and my MIL I can’t imagine the stress. Guests and fresh fish - after a while they start to smell and you want them out of the house. (Something like that) smile

btw since W’s parents never spoke to W or I for the last 26 years I don’t think this is a situation I’ll have to deal with.

Hope one of the three steps up.

D xoxo


Feelings are fleeting.
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mleigh4 Offline OP
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Thank you everyone. My work family agrees, no way! H needs to deal with his mom! It is pretty comical when you think about it. I will say nothing. If she brings it up, I will be honest....I am about to D your son, it's just not a good time! Lol

So great news! We had our taxes done tonight. She ran the different scenarios for us, and I insisted, I want them done separately as this is how it will be done from now on. I came out with a huge refund. H was going to owe, but she worked some magic and he just squeaked out even. H had gone and changed his withholdings at BD, and we have been having to pay ever since. Nothing huge, but a big change from previous years of getting refunds. My pleas to change his withholdings back went on deaf ears. Finally, he was told by an expert tonight that his withholdings are not correct for what he makes. And I am getting my money back instead of it going towards taxes HE owes. Woohoo!!

So the poor tax lady kept clarifying that we are married but don't live together. For 4 years. She straight up told us, you need to do something. Especially for tax purposes, you both will be better off. I said I know, someone needs to do something. H looked at me and said, you said you were going to file. I looked him back and said, WE are going to file through mediation. He just shook his head and said, you said you were going to file. I really can't tell if we are just that out of sync with continuous misunderstandings or if he is really that dumb? Or just playing dumb? Either way, there is my answer, the ball remains in my court.

Anyhow, one thing at a time. So happy the taxes are done and I am now done with his part of them. He is now on his own.

He also passed on taking dog tonight, and has done that a couple of other times. During the trip, he barely helped with her. He told me he thinks she is going senile! She is 6! So I guess he is now pulling away from that responsibility as she gets older. That man has no loyalty in him! That's ok though, I will take care of her until the end.

You know, I sat next to him tonight and I just feel so yucky. I feel yucky around him. I see myself back then for some reason. I noticed this on our trip too. I see myself through his eyes, and it's the old me. He doesn't see me any different and I feel like the old me around him. As soon as I get away, I feel myself again. It's hard to explain? I'm not blaming that on him, It may be my own issues....I just don't like who I am around him. Maybe it's everything that has happened, but I am just not my best with him.

Have a good night
M


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
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M my love he bailed and essentially fired you as his wife, so ... his mommy is his problem. I beg you, do NOT bring her into your home. You will never get rid of her and your life will be miserable. Do not let anyone take advantage of your kind nature.

Congrats on the tax situation. Yes, this past year was our first separate and I got a bit of a refund while he owed. I share your relief.

You've done so much good work. I know you've still got to get through this next phase, but I feel you will do it with your usual style and grace. I'm not surprised that your son is in alignment with you.

Yes, it's up to you, the next steps. And M - that's ok. Figure out what you want and then take steps to make that happen. Divorce group is a good idea. I just heard of one in the next town and may try it.

Anyway, thanks for stopping by my thread. Much love my dear xoxoxoxo


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand,
That this too, was a gift."
~ Mary Oliver
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mleigh4 Offline OP
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Hi Bttrfly, I hope you are right about me. It got tense last night while doing taxes. She initially suggested filing together and I really put my foot down to clarify nicely that his income and taxes are his problem and mine is mine. Separate them! When asked about the home, I made it clear he pays half the mortgage and that's it, I take care of it. When asked about S expenses, I kept quiet and let him say it's 50/50. Ha, not when I have him more and take care of so much more than him, but I stayed quiet. It's just taxes right now. But what will I be like during mediation? I could feel the anger in me bubbling. I could feel the disgust towards him and his choices.

It worries me, but I guess knowing that fear, I can work on preparing myself to stay calm. I can't let my emotions take over and make me look like an angry wife while he sits there calm and quiet. That's kind of how I felt last night.

I guess that work is up to me! So much worry floating around in my head, I'm so tired of it and just want it over. Again, that's up to me.

Thanks for listening friends. It feels so nice to talk to people that understand. The divorce group meets Thursday and I am working on getting in.

M


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
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so here's the trick - you go into each mediation session prepped like it's a business meeting. leave the rest at the door, to the very best of your ability. i realize that this is easier said than done, but psyche yourself up to be in that mindset before every session. will you do it perfectly? no. but going in with that mentality helps. ask Cali - I remember well how he said the same thing.

Remember, there's no marriage; it's a business partnership that is dissolving.

That has to be your mantra.

I'm sorry it's come to this. xoxoxo


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand,
That this too, was a gift."
~ Mary Oliver
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Posts: 1,447
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mleigh4 Offline OP
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Ok I do remember Cali saying the same. I will do my very best and really focus on keeping it business.

Thank you (((Bttrfly)))


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 6,119
Likes: 408
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anytime doll. you know i loves ya xoxoxo


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand,
That this too, was a gift."
~ Mary Oliver
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 2,523
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I had a long winded post here and ended up shutting down prior to posting it .. it was genius stuff I assure you but now its gone so you are left with the leftovers

Concerning the D or Mediation ... remember I went through 3 of those ... heck its almost like I have been through 4 divorces in the past 4 years which should merit a cool medal or at the least a plaque. So yeah ... just take the emotions out of it as much as possible and simply look at it as a negotiation as you would discussing your wage for a job that you were offered ... in this case that job is a position in the Single Villas

Wanted to touch on the taxes thing .... I will try to summarize this but you do need to make sure you have something in place legally to protect yourself and I will explain why in the following novel:

2013 (BD Year) We filed joint, Somehow we had a huge refund (red flag anyone?) it was in excess of 11k .... well just for those of you wondering how, its easy ... your spouses family accountant uses all the numbers given but does not put in your spouses earnings ... upon BD I was given half of this, but upon the discovery gave it back to the MLCr .... This comes into play later.

2014 Filed Married-Separate: MLCr filed very quickly which unknown to me she claimed our only child which was a nice little gift of me discovering I owed about 8k in taxes that I did not have at the time, set up installments with Uncle Sam and began chipping the amount away a bit at a time, ya know when money was being spent on 2 house holds and the MLCr was living it up.

2015 Filed Married-Separate (Touch and go year): This time I claim kiddo, and my adjustments were correct and I received a small return which was applied to the 2014 taxes that I still owed like 6k on. Later on in the year this balance jumps up over 12k .... yup. that money from 2013 was never sent to Uncle Sam and yours truly was the one on the hook as I have already set up the installment agreement so they simply added it right to that. At the time this happened we were towards the end of her Peek-a-boo and she just was not going to pay MY debt .... thanks honey.


2016 Filed Married-Separate (Rope Drop year): This gets good. So She claims S this year, I owed a little but not much and paid that off only to discover that 12k ish debt was back down to around 4k. Good Ole Uncle took MLCrs large return and applied it to my installment. I recall S telling me about the tantrum she had walking from the mail box, on the phone with that 3 fingered accountant and facing the fact there was zero she could do.

I still smile about the Karma bus. So now I am finally all done with those tax issues but it was a 5 year cloud over my head .... point I am trying to make is the IRS still sees you as married, his tax issues are yours .... so if he owes and you get a return they will adjust the following year if he has not settled up ... we all know how good these MLCrs are at following through and keeping up with responsibilities so I would talk to your numbers person and ensure whatever you have to do legally to avoid all ^^^^ mess I just spilled on your nice kitchen floor.


M: 48
W: 47
M16 T26-S8
BD Sept13



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