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reframe Offline OP
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Thanks guys. The support has been a huge help.

I'm doing pretty well - except when we need to interact.
We talked this morning, and she was all happy, and made a point of telling me about all her travel plans for the coming summer - things she wasn't "able" to do when we were together.

I realize a big part of this is fake - but it's still painful to see her "apparently" doing so well and moving on with a life without me.

Anyway, I have another question for this group.
Over the last 10 years, I've gotten fond of her family, my in laws.
There are two new nieces and nephews on the way this summer.

I'd really like to message W's mother and say something like:
"Thinking of you guys. I'm really sorry I won't be able to come out and see the new babies this summer. Give my love to everyone".

However, I'm pretty sure this would look like "backhanded pursuit" or something to W. Is there any way around this. Any way of reaching out to the MIL without it being about the W?


Me, H-39, W-33
T11, M3
No children
Bomb 10/17 - "Not sure what she wants"
Bomb 2 12/17 - forced convo it did not go well.
W moved out 3/18
OM Confirmed 4/1
D Final 9/27/18
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My niece left her husband a year and a half ago for an OM she was pregnant by. This broke our family's hearts because we love her husband. He reached out a few times since all that happened, and each time she saw it as manipulative and trying to hurt her. We are sure that was not the case as we all had a good relationship with us and he just missed us.

My suggestion would be to let them reach out.


M(53), W(54),D(19)
M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
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No. Don't do this. This is not the time. It will definitely be backhanded pursuit and she will see it as manipulative no matter how genuine your actions might be.

Just let it go for now. What I did with my in-laws (and I currently am and was always on excellent terms with them) is the following. Big caveat here is that I have 2 kids who are very much attached to them and they will always be family to my kids, regardless of whatever happens.

So, I said this to them, "This is a difficult time for all of us. Just out of respect and space, I won't be reaching out to you for anything. If there is anything you want to talk to me about, I am more than happy to connect with you. You are family to my kids and will always be and I will make sure that you have access to them and that your relationship with them is not harmed."

And I have left it in their court of what they wanted to do.

I have interacted with them when they have come to town, but I haven't reached out and they haven't either. I am not going to speculate why they haven't reached out to me, but that's whatever.

I make sure though that the kids can reach out to them if they wanted to, and that I give them a call for bdays and other important events so that the kids can wish them and talk to them. I want to facilitate their relationship, even though mine with them is very limited.

In your case, you don't have kids right with W? So, I don't see any reason for you to reach out.


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Correct, no kids, just two dogs we're sharing care and custody of.

Just slightly missing the extended family, but the responses here are what I expected - no reason to reach out, at least certainly not until it's been awhile.
I might revisit this idea in a few months.

Right now I'm doing OK, except when I interact with her. Seeing her apparently happy (although perhaps trying to convince herself) and moving on with her life is still really painful.

She is also planning things that her health issues wouldn't have let her do when we were together, which does make me question some of them....


Me, H-39, W-33
T11, M3
No children
Bomb 10/17 - "Not sure what she wants"
Bomb 2 12/17 - forced convo it did not go well.
W moved out 3/18
OM Confirmed 4/1
D Final 9/27/18
Joined: Aug 2015
Posts: 1,142
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I wouldn't do that reframe... just let it be. I know it's hard but it is for the best.

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Quote:
Right now I'm doing OK, except when I interact with her. Seeing her apparently happy (although perhaps trying to convince herself) and moving on with her life is still really painful.

She is also planning things that her health issues wouldn't have let her do when we were together, which does make me question some of them....


Well, if she's moving on with her life, so should you. I doubt she is but is putting on a good show.

You just have to put all of these thoughts about her out of your mind. You will not find satisfactory answers to what you're thinking and you'll keep obsessing over it. Just let it go.

I know this is hard. Trust me - it's been almost 10 months since BD for me and W occupies way more mental space than I'd like her to. And I know it's because the pain of rejection and having your ego destroyed takes time to heal.

So, you won't be able to banish these thoughts on command, but they'll come more fleetingly. And to get there you have to GAL and figure out how to improve yourself. That's the only way through. Through the pain, not around it.

Don't feel bad about having these thoughts about her. they will subside, but it takes active work and not staying in the limbo and grieving zone. You have to pull yourself out of it.


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reframe Offline OP
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So, a new question for you guys.


The W is continuing to temp check me pretty hard. She's going out of her way to be friendly and show how well she's doing. She also noticed (and commented on), that I seem to be doing well, and that I'm "mr.serious business" with her

She hasn't outright asked me to do anything in a week or so, but I'm pretty sure it's coming.

When it does, I'm not sure how to respond to this. The attitude I see here is "not while you are involved with OM".

That's fine but I feel like saying that sounds punitive, which my coach strongly discouraged.
On the other hand, saying something like "I'm not ready to be friendly yet" sounds, a little weak.


Me, H-39, W-33
T11, M3
No children
Bomb 10/17 - "Not sure what she wants"
Bomb 2 12/17 - forced convo it did not go well.
W moved out 3/18
OM Confirmed 4/1
D Final 9/27/18
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 1,920
Likes: 2
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Just examine what you wrote. You are worried that you're going to sound punitive if you tell your wife that she can't eat cake and trample all over you while sleeping with another man?

Saying: "I appreciate the invite but I have no interest in spending time with you while you are involved with OM". That is taking charge and showing ball$$$$.

You are clearly stating our boundary. You will not entertain even one second with someone who is going to disrespect and walk all over you. No, you are worthy of respect and love and if she can't show that, then here's the door.

I know this is hard to do because you gotta grow a spine. But trust me, I was a nice guy. I know how this feels. But once I told my W what I needed to, I felt such a wave of empowerment and relief.

Say what you need to say being pleasant and upbeat and then just walk away. There is nothing to discuss. If she drags the convo to a R convo, just validate and then walk away.


No one is coming to save you!

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reframe, I am running into a similar sitch. My WW is letting the OM coach and manipulate how she is dealing with me and the settlement of our D. Want to be strong but not too, but also don't want to come off as weak. Been there too long.

How did your coach suggest you handle those sitch? I could not afford to keep using a coach so I am doing this on my own. It is so hard, especially when you are dealing with NGS also.


----------------
Me-53 W-50
T-16 M-13
Bomb drop 1-16-18
Discovered EA 1-23-18
Discovered PA 2-2-18
Still involved with OM
WW moved out 3-29-18
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Detachment. Validation. See Cadet's links.


M(53), W(54),D(19)
M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
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