Help evaluating LRT progress

[Olya]

Olya.. i feel sad for how things are going on with your life. In your case its the husband.in my case its the wife. We pretty much are in the same boat. And i can feel the pain we both are going thru although we have never seen each other. But i applaud your efforts and still holding strong with what you are doing. Keep it up. In case u need somone to share ur feelings with u can reach me nine three seven three four three five seven one five.

Thank you. That means a lot.

[Olya]

What I do know is it's a 19-yr old.

How old are the two of you, if you don't mind me asking?

So, let me say that I know exactly how you felt when you realized your trusted partner in marriage is pursuing things with a 21-yr old. At first, it's unbelievable. Then, it's laughable.

Honestly, it feels so... gross. I feel like I will never get clean no matter how long I shower and scrub myself. I am beginning to see him as dirty inside and out and I don't want any of that contamination on me.

I want to feel clean. That's what I want. I want to come through this and feel clean.

You are right, though, there is something very relieving about it. It isn't a real threat. I guess if I had to choose some situation where my wife was having an A, it couldn't really get more innocuous than this.

I wouldn't necessarily call it "innocuous." This can still lead to a whole lot of trouble - heck, it already has.

The relief comes from knowing that this is 100% not me.

Oh, I have my faults enough! I can be demanding, short-tempered, OCD about certain things, emotional and needy, and I have this ingrained need to fix things. I never hid these things from him - he knew who I was when he married me. And I was willing to do better. I wanted us to work on the relationship.

This insanity is him and him alone. I am not responsible for his affair. He did not "trade up." This whole thing is insane, irrational, and sick.

I also feel similarly to you about what I want. I want the ludicrous fantasy bubble and anyone involved in it gone. I can get past the A (or whatever it is, in my case), but there is a line when it comes to pregnancy/STDs. Practicality aside, I just don't think I could ever look at my W the same if she truly threw that much sanity and reason out the window.

Do you think you will look at her the same way if she sleeps with him?

I suspect that I can forgive him an affair that does not lead to any unintended consequences. But what will it take for me to trust him again? What will it take for me to be able to have sex with him again? Even if he breaks it off with her and makes an attempt to reconcile, I cannot imagine that he would truly put in the work he needs to put in and make up for everything he has put me through, both recently and last year.

I deserve more.

There is no way his relationship lasts; as I said before, I'd bet it's done before the deployment is up. I can't even imagine the girl waiting around for him, given what she has proven about herself already.

Well, for all we know, she is looking to marry an officer and this is her best shot. I am not going to underestimate her. It takes a certain level of creep to enter this situation in the first place. Tell me, would you do what she's doing, even if you only got the revised history version that my husband is currently feeding her? I know that I would not.

No, I suspect that the girl is a gold digger and will try to get pregnant from their little interlude. And even if she gets "lonely" while he's away, what would stop her from sleeping around? He'd never find out. Hell, she may already be pregnant and will claim that the child is his.

No, I am preparing for the absolute worst.

How is it that we are two attractive, capable, intelligent people and our spouses have chosen to go down these paths of incredulous nonsense? After everything we do for them and all the stability we have to offer, why are they so willing to throw it all away to chase some fantasy? Because we are no longer "fun"?

Because we have been doormats, dear. I have spent 9 years of my life putting him above everything else. This is what I got in return.

He plans to take her and the other friends that are coming (if they will come) to all the places that he and I used to go just a couple of months ago.

Also, had he given me even a fraction of the attention that he now gives her, I would not have complained about a single thing.

See, when I asked him to keep in touch with me more when I'm away at school, he told me that he is too tired, too busy, and does not text while at work. Well, I checked, and he is currently texting her at the rate of about 1 text every 2 minutes or so. All day long. And yes, during work hours.

I guess that hurts. But part of me also sees this as incredibly irresponsible. He's there to work, not text. It is one thing to "steal moments" but it is a whole other game when all you do is text at work. And what will happen when he deploys? Will he be texting her during work hours? Or maybe all night long, since they will have a huge time difference? There are people who depend on him doing his job and doing it well. Honestly, I'm a little disgusted and horribly disappointed.

I'm certainly not pulling you into my boat, but since our situations have a lot of similarities and your quote really resonated with me, maybe it's something to think about.

No, I think you're right... and I have a lot to think about.

[44tries]

How old are the two of you, if you don't mind me asking?

We are both 26.

I want to feel clean. That's what I want. I want to come through this and feel clean.

I totally get this. I think this is the sign you are losing your respect for him and he is no longer the person you thought he was. This is something that is hard for me as well, because of course we don't want to lose that person and I also wonder/worry if I will ever be able to feel the way I did again, if things were to ever recon. Am I holding on to hope for a marriage with someone that no longer exists? The answer is inevitably yes, I think, but I guess we are always changing and if you are going to have a successful marriage long-term, a big part of that is acknowledging that your spouse won't be the same person you married or even the same person they are today. I think you can feel clean. It's his dirt, not yours. And all your efforts now are detaching from him and that dirt. If you ever recon, it will have to be after he gets clean again too.

I wouldn't necessarily call it "innocuous." This can still lead to a whole lot of trouble - heck, it already has.

100%. I definitely don't think it's innocuous, I only meant relative to other possibilities. But you're right, ultimately it's still devastating, no way around that.

This insanity is him and him alone. I am not responsible for his affair. He did not "trade up." This whole thing is insane, irrational, and sick.

Exactly. He chose his actions and has made his own bed, which certainly doesn't look like it's going to turn out to be very comfortable. I definitely wouldn't look at it like he thought he could do better and decided to leave you for greener pastures. Whatever is going on has absolutely nothing to do with you; it's all on him and frankly will be his loss.

Do you think you will look at her the same way if she sleeps with him?

I have thought about this and have not discounted the possibility that she already has (on the one night she went away). I would love to believe that she would never do that and that she at least had the courtesy to come back and break-up with me before going down that road, but I can't quite work out the logic. Normally, I would assume that if someone were to walk away from their marriage and stable life, they would do so with some amount of security in their future with the OP. I can't really figure out why she didn't just begin her texting A in secret and cake eat until she wanted to get more serious about it (NOT that I would have preferred this, but it makes more sense to me). It just seems so sudden and nonsensical. Anyway, no I don't think I could look at her the same way. That doesn't mean I absolutely 100% could never have any future relationship with her, but it would probably need to involve a lot of remorse and change in her as well as myself.

I suspect that I can forgive him an affair that does not lead to any unintended consequences. But what will it take for me to trust him again? What will it take for me to be able to have sex with him again? Even if he breaks it off with her and makes an attempt to reconcile, I cannot imagine that he would truly put in the work he needs to put in and make up for everything he has put me through, both recently and last year.

This exactly. I know I have the capacity to forgive, but I already struggled with trust. If she continues the A and even if it got to the point of physical consummation in the future, I could probably get back to a place of trust if she did a 180 and like you said, truly put the work in. But, if I found out she cheated on me on that trip, before any talk with me, and especially after I gave her SO much trust that week when she explicitly expressed her need for space and freedom...that betrayal would run deep. I would probably need to put in some serious work to trust anyone again, much less her.

I deserve more.

You absolutely do. Don't forget it.

Well, for all we know, she is looking to marry an officer and this is her best shot. I am not going to underestimate her. It takes a certain level of creep to enter this situation in the first place. Tell me, would you do what she's doing, even if you only got the revised history version that my husband is currently feeding her? I know that I would not.

Nope. No way. And definitely not within a week of your so-called separation.

Also, had he given me even a fraction of the attention that he now gives her, I would not have complained about a single thing.

This is the most frustrating piece of the equation. I think in most affairs, if only the WAS had dedicated that time and energy to their marriage, things could have been so much different. That's what makes it so repulsive to me. I understand being unhappy and not wanting to be trapped forever. But there is no excuse to not do it the right way. Put in the time and effort, exhaust all your resources, and if you truly feel it is beyond repair, walk away knowing you did everything and wait until the chapter is closed before pursuing someone else. If you are going to break the commitment of marriage, at least that much is owed.

I guess that hurts. But part of me also sees this as incredibly irresponsible. He's there to work, not text. It is one thing to "steal moments" but it is a whole other game when all you do is text at work. And what will happen when he deploys? Will he be texting her during work hours? Or maybe all night long, since they will have a huge time difference? There are people who depend on him doing his job and doing it well. Honestly, I'm a little disgusted and horribly disappointed.

Trust me, I know the feeling. It hurts to know they turned and gave all that you wanted to someone else when the going got tough. But, the irresponsibility is another level. To me, that's the signal there is something wrong and the relationship can't last. I understand feeling giddy in the beginning and being in the infatuation stage, but if you are letting it interfere with your life to that extent, it's not a healthy interaction.

[MoveFrwd]

Hello Olya -

Im sorry for the turn that things have taken. It $ucks, no bones about it. I would do what you can to take the focus off of him and what he is doing, because, frankly, it doesnt really matter right now. Whatever relationship you had with him is dead. So theres no reason to focus on whether or not you would want to recon right now. He's off on his journey now. Let him take it. If your paths come together in the future, you can make your assessment then.

I would recommend you really focus in two places:

1) How can you protect yourself financially. Whether that means divorce or not, Im not sure. But I would discuss with a knowledgeable attorney and make sure that you can survive the financial fallout.

2)

Oh, I have my faults enough! I can be demanding, short-tempered, OCD about certain things, emotional and needy, and I have this ingrained need to fix things. I never hid these things from him - he knew who I was when he married me. And I was willing to do better. I wanted us to work on the relationship.

What are you doing about these things? These sound like a great place to start when you look at your side of the street. How can you improve these areas for your next R, whoever it is with?

Oh....and you can also look up Affair Down. It isnt as uncommon as youd think.Its definitely about him...not you.

[Olya]

Whatever relationship you had with him is dead.

I know. I... I'm just really grossed out by how it happened.

1) How can you protect yourself financially. Whether that means divorce or not, Im not sure. But I would discuss with a knowledgeable attorney and make sure that you can survive the financial fallout.

I am working very hard on that right now.

2)

Oh, I have my faults enough! I can be demanding, short-tempered, OCD about certain things, emotional and needy, and I have this ingrained need to fix things. I never hid these things from him - he knew who I was when he married me. And I was willing to do better. I wanted us to work on the relationship.

What are you doing about these things? These sound like a great place to start when you look at your side of the street. How can you improve these areas for your next R, whoever it is with?

Honestly? I will never again start a relationship with someone I have to take care of. I shifted a lot of burden over the household onto myself. All he ever had to do was go to work. I moved us. I took care of finances. I took on jobs I hated to help offset his out of control spending. I sunk my student loan disbursements into paying off his credit card debt.

I will simply never involve myself with someone like him again. I want a relationship where I am taken care of and appreciated. I will never again put myself in a position where I bend over backwards for someone and then beg for their affection.

I have become someone I never planned to be and it is due in large part to my family dynamic. I will not be repeating it.

Oh....and you can also look up Affair Down. It isnt as uncommon as youd think.Its definitely about him...not you.

I looked it up.

http://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate...ffair-down.html

This seemed like a good link.

What will happen when he comes out of his MLC?

[arsh18]

hi Olya, Just read your story, sorry for what you have been through. In some aspects my H is similar, i dont know if he has MLC @ 34 or if he is just wanting to get as far away from responsibilities and me as possible. we have 2 Ds aged 3 and 5 months, he dropped D bomb when baby was 7 weeks. I have been living in constant fear, depression, shock and denial too.
Trying LRT but dont know how to combine LRT with showing care and affection.
I totally understand how you feel, he has put you through hell. Every time he fixes the blame on you tell yourself its about him, his journey and his fears. You being the spouse are getting the brunt of this misery.

[HelenaJ]

So, today I found out that there is another woman.

I've haven't been posting or reading in a while, guess I've missed some things. I'm really sorry to hear that. What struck me the most was how sure you were initially that this was just a mid-life crisis with no affair. You trusted him pretty completely and that really [censored] that it turned out to be this way. Hugs.