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Let me give you a brief backgoround. My wife and I have known for almost 17 years and we have been married since 2012. We knew each other through long distance relationship. I have been a virgin all the time until i met my wife. Right from my first honeymoon night, i was not able to penetrate her fully due to my erectile dysfunction issue. We tried a few times later on during the course of the relationship but could not get it through although i was able to break ger hymen. But not a satisfying sexual experience for her. However we both share a very strong feeling and emotional bonding with each other which has led us this far. We cuddle, fondle and give head rubs and massages and we hug affectionately when we sleep together.

We have had constant arguments in our relationship and she has lost all the trust and faith in me.. many times she things i am gay, does not trust in money matters. We both are working couples. However, She still thinks i somehow spy on her and know all her financial accounts. she hates my family to the core and most of our arguments escalate due to that as my family and her had some issues during the begining of our relationship as to my wife not being respected by them. I took some treatment for my ED issue but it didnt help me much and now although i feel my love and affection has improved than before along with my better erection, for the past couple of years my wife is not allowing me close to her if i try to initiate sex. She gives some or the other excuse to avoid sex although she has noticed that i do get better erections than before but has lost hopes of having sex with me. At the same time, I did not want to force her and wanted to give her own space. However we spend a lot of time cuddling and fondling and massaging each other many nights and hugging and sleeping together. We enjoy dining outside, trips together but not one time she is completely happy as some or the other argument worsens the situation. But many times she conveys the fact that i do deeply love her, that I am a good man and that she will never find a better person than me in the future if she leaves me.

However, on the negative side, she constantly complains the below-

1) I dont make her feel like a complete woman
2) I care less for her compared to my parents
3) She does not want to have a kid from a family like me
4) She feels like she is in a cage when she is with me
5) She thinks that i spy on her electronic media.
6) We live like brother and sister
7) Uses abusive words for my parents and sister.

We are basically from South Asia and a society which cares a lot about 1 marriage and live for ever. It so happened that i took her to my native parents home to settle all differences and an argument ensued and spiralled out of control with my mother and sister. Things turned ugly and she was thrown out of our home. I did whatever i could to support her in front of my parents and sister but couldn't control the situation. I also moved out of the home along with her and our bag and baggage.

The inlaws incident turned tragic to an already down spiralling relationship. After that, we have had constant arguments and she became so distressed that she wants a divorce. I convinced and consoled and begged her many times but nothing helped. She involved her parents and brother in her family. And now she along with everyone in family wants us to seperate. I am the only person who wants her back and fighting for it.i have lost contact with my parents as well. I am handling this all alone. Fast forward, we are back to US and got back to our work.

Initially she wanted to move out in a month. She discussed the situation with her brother and he agreed to support her in this regard. She has changed her goals now. She says she wants to work for 2 years and settle back in asia and help her parents. However I know that she has a very deep affection love and care for me. After a lot of arguments, I gave up and told her she can decide what she wishes with our relationship after which she calmed down.She had kinda made up her mind for divorce before even coming to US.

Just a couple of days ago she was too upset when she woke up in the morning. She says she loves me so much it is very difficult to part from me. Said she had discussed with her brother that she wants to divorce and still live with me.She also said she wants us to live like friends and see how it goes. Initially she wanted us to sleep separate rooms but she insisted us to sleep together daily in the master bed room without any physical touch. However, the same day, she removed all our marriage wall photo frames and kept it inside.i see the pain in her and i realized all my mistakes of forcing and begging her and not listening to her during arguments.

Every day i see her in different moods. But i have noticed some positive ones. She cooks food and ensures i eat. She calls me to bed before going to sleep. She appreciated me keeping the house tidy and clean. I keep a rose vase in the kitchen island and change the color of rose every day. However she has said nothing. She wants to move out and expects me to support her to move out so she can be independent and then divorce me down the line after few months. She has also said that she does not want to divorce me immediately as this is the biggest decision of her life and hence the seperation. Meantime i have stopped questing or asking her to move out. I just mind my own business and work and have very minimal interaction with her.

Somehow, I delayed our physical separation by 2 months. Although i refused to help her find apartments, I did help her move the things and buy new stuff for her apartment. My in laws came to her new place the day we separated. She had mixed feelings the day she left home, and i simply wished her "be happy" and hugged her while she was in tears. She said she did not want to think of any divorce at least few months as she just wants to explore her independent life. I have been giving her full freedom and completely stopped pushing her or begging or pleading.
Whenever she is with family her behavior towards me is full of resentment and disrespect. She has become fairly cold and distant. She hardly cares for me and contacts me only when there are divorce discussions. She has not filed for divorce yet. But she said she will be filing one soon. She moved out of home with lot of emotions feeling bad and bad for leaving this relationship. Just a week ago before she moved out she did not want to think about any divorce or next steps. Now that she moved out within 3 days being with her family she flipped completely and wants to divorce me. When i calmly agreed to her divorce request she was annoyed and got upset saying i spoiled her life and started being emotional. I asked her to stop resenting and i will pursue her and be faithful to her until she file for divorce.
Realizing her attitude i decided to start selling all the marital home assets one by one. Stopped contacting her. Only talk to her if she calls me. And these days i am minding my own business.i can tell that she has no affair currently but she is trying to be close to her family to forget my emotional attachment. She called me very depressed saying she wants to remember the good times although its a lot more difficult for her to leave me now. She asked if i was in her situation would i file for divorce? I said NO. I simply said i will do what she needs to make her happy. If she wants to come back,come happily,if not divorce and leave,but i wont divorce her. I Have kept away from friends and families. She thinks i have started talking about our relationship to friends which is Wrong. Again she definitely doesn't have an affair. However she called a lawyer and wants to proceed with Annulment of Marriage due to NON-Consummation. I discussed with my lawyer and simply Said NO but agreed to Dissolution of Marriage due to Incompatibility. I also confirmed that I am not taking any money from her (Although lawyer suggested otherwise that i was eligible for 2 year spousal support and 50% of what she has earned). I even advised her if she was ready to go as soon as next week and finalize dissolution by end of month. Wife said she was busy next 2 weeks and will look into it later as she does not have time. Typical midlife crisis and possible depression with resentment. Suggested her various mindfulness tactics and meditation with which we could regularly overcome our differences and lead a happy life. She agreed to that and saw the effects and changes in me while we were still living together. But flips soon back and forth. Its just like talking to a wall. I am firm on my commitment and trying to make her life better and keep her happy as much as i can. I am forced to Move on. I am independent, single and spend most of the times outdoors. Don't have affairs or anything but strong enuf to independently manage life. Now she seems to have anger towards me saying "I spoiled her life". I said i cherish the good times and sorry that she feels that way and hope someday she sees me as a different person. No response since 10 days so far. Please suggest how this could end up ultimately and how i should handle it.

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Welcome to the board

Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.

Yes first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/
http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm

and Michele's articles
http://www.divorcebusting.com/articles.htm

You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!

Get out and Get a Life (GAL).

DETACH.


Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.

Have NO EXPECTATIONS.

Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.

Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:

I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072

Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095

Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414

Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457566#Post2457566

Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096

Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153

For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554

Resource thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...224#Post2578224

Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1

Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764

Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574

The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619

Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon


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You say no A, but something doesn't pass the sniff test here. I will just caution you to not get used to the idea of no A. I've often quoted a marriage expert that said "A wife/spouse doesn't need their own place to decide whether or not to divorce you, they need their own place to sleep with other people."

The one thing that really upset me is that she has talked to her family about the marriage, but you, who have no family to talk to, aren't supposed to talk to friends about it? That is narcissistic on her part.

Still there is always hope. Keep up the DBing: detach, GAL, and be the best you can be. I know this is all difficult, probably the most difficult thing you have every been through, but it does get better.


M(53), W(54),D(19)
M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
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Yes I am 100% sure. She is not the kind of person to have an Affair. She is just "Out of love" and deeply hurt. She may do some soul searching soon. I am not going to stop her as I want her happiness. I have told the same to her. "I want you to be happy over my happiness".
There is complete lack of trust from her end. She thinks i spy on her and may snatch away all her money and on the other hand i have supported all along!!! I am detaching and healing but I am really on a big Roller coaster ride with her behavior, which is what is bothering me.


M(35) F(35)
T(6) M(6)
BD 10/25/2017
S 3/12/2018
LRT 4/3
D Served 4/30
D Signed (Me) 5/1
D filed with Court 5/21
D Final 7/6
Moving on with life and doing lot of GAL since 7/6 :-)
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I'm so sorry to hear how things have gone in your MR. What are the ages of you and your W?

Your W obviously loves you, but it doesn't appear that she's getting much encouragement from her family, her in-laws, or even her H.......that I can see at this point. What else (other than try those meds that did not work) have you done in the past six years that showed her you were being proactive in finding help with the ED?

You mentioned a couple of times how you cuddle, fondle, and massage her head........but have you done anything else sexually? I mean, if you can't get an erection, you could sexually stimulate and satisfy her in other ways.

I realize this is a sensitive subject, but I want to ask several questions to better understand. Did you have erection issues before the wedding?

Please don't feel I am being insulting. I am simply trying to find out more of what has happened these past six years. What did the doctor suggest after you reported that the meds did not help?

Did you see a sex therapist?

Were you ever sexually molested? Sorry, if I'm being too direct, and you don't have to answer my questions, if you'd rather not.

Were you addicted to porn before getting married?

My H and I married young and were virgins. The wedding night went fine, considering that both of us were shy and knew very little about sex. But the next morning he could not perform, and I didn't understand. The situation continued for two or three weeks. If I had been more knowledgable, and/or if we had not been so timid......it would not have lasted that long. It was long enough, however, for me to know if a couple doesn't turn to professional help........the MR is going to be on very shaky ground. It doesn't matter how much cuddling or other forms of affection are shown.......if there is not some type of sexual pleasure and physical union, then the couple will likely become roommates. Both spouses feel frustrated, hurt, resentful, etc. You have to give her more intimacy than she would get from a "friend".

This is not an easy situation for couples who have been M for a long time. In your case, I think there's something you aren't telling us............or else you have been very passive about this entire sex starved MR. Don't misunderstand and think I am blaming you or finding fault for having ED. I am not. I am asking what else have you tried, in seeking help for the problem.......and to have sexual intimacy in the MR?

*****************************************

The part about the family and in-laws getting involved and making things worse for the couple........is sad, but often very true. If her family has negative feelings for you, then they influence her......and she gets more resentful, as a result. If your family cannot accept her and treat her with some measure of kindness.......or if she cannot show them respect.......the only hope I see would be to move away from both families. But that wouldn't really solve the problem. It just puts a little distance from them. Some families just cannot blend......and the couple has to decide who takes priority. I'll give you a hint......it's neither family.

What can you do to show your W things would be different in the relationship if she decides to not get a divorce?

The one part on her list I question is her concern that you have snooped on her devices. Has this been a problem in the past? Has she behaved inappropriately with another man.........or have you been insecure and snooped to see if she was cheating?

I hope you'll come back and post every chance you get.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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Originally Posted By: sandi2
I'm so sorry to hear how things have gone in your MR. What are the ages of you and your W?

M 35 W 35

Originally Posted By: sandi2
Your W obviously loves you, but it doesn't appear that she's getting much encouragement from her family, her in-laws, or even her H.......that I can see at this point. What else (other than try those meds that did not work) have you done in the past six years that showed her you were being proactive in finding help with the ED?

I took meds for 6 months. No luck.. But she also did not allow me to being close with her. Every time i moved close, she used to give some or the other excuse. Not that I am blaming her. I always had the performance anxiety and fear to ask her. Coz i did not want to spoil her mood. She is also somewhat not sexually aroused. One time i showed porn and she wanted to vomit.

Originally Posted By: sandi2
You mentioned a couple of times how you cuddle, fondle, and massage her head........but have you done anything else sexually? I mean, if you can't get an erection, you could sexually stimulate and satisfy her in other ways.

I am a sexually fit guy.. I get aroused. Only thing is my erection does not last long. End up ejaculating quickly. I have tried to sexually arouse her but she refrains from any such desires. Tried to court her but stops me. Asks me to keep my Underwear on and not touch her while sleeping. But yes I think my sexual drive is low. And she always says that she is the one who has always initiated sex and it was never me. Not exactly true. but yes mostly it was her due to my fear and performance anxiety.

Originally Posted By: sandi2
I realize this is a sensitive subject, but I want to ask several questions to better understand. Did you have erection issues before the wedding?

I did mention this to my wife regarding the erection issue before wedding.

Originally Posted By: sandi2
Please don't feel I am being insulting. I am simply trying to find out more of what has happened these past six years. What did the doctor suggest after you reported that the meds did not help?

I followed up with more doctors. All suggested increased dosage of sertralin and i had depressive side effects. Moreover my wife did not allow me close, so i really did not have a means to test it, frankly.

Originally Posted By: sandi2
Did you see a sex therapist?

No, as she was not ready. And also i feel i am cured. but no vehicle to test with smile

Originally Posted By: sandi2
Were you ever sexually molested? Sorry, if I'm being too direct, and you don't have to answer my questions, if you'd rather not.

No

Originally Posted By: sandi2
Were you addicted to porn before getting married?

A little bit just like all school guys.

Originally Posted By: sandi2
My H and I married young and were virgins. The wedding night went fine, considering that both of us were shy and knew very little about sex. But the next morning he could not perform, and I didn't understand. The situation continued for two or three weeks. If I had been more knowledgable, and/or if we had not been so timid......it would not have lasted that long. It was long enough, however, for me to know if a couple doesn't turn to professional help........the MR is going to be on very shaky ground. It doesn't matter how much cuddling or other forms of affection are shown.......if there is not some type of sexual pleasure and physical union, then the couple will likely become roommates. Both spouses feel frustrated, hurt, resentful, etc. You have to give her more intimacy than she would get from a "friend".

I long for that. I am missing her very much. At the same time, I don't want her to force to be with me unhappy.

Originally Posted By: sandi2
This is not an easy situation for couples who have been M for a long time. In your case, I think there's something you aren't telling us............or else you have been very passive about this entire sex starved MR. Don't misunderstand and think I am blaming you or finding fault for having ED. I am not. I am asking what else have you tried, in seeking help for the problem.......and to have sexual intimacy in the MR?

My wife was very beautiful when i met her first time. It was love at first sight. Over the years after that and at time of marraige, she was still pretty. But she gained weight subsequently and we were sexually starved. I feel i have also hurt at times on her looks. Tried to make her loose weight and all that. I felt bad for what i did and I guess she took it to heart.

*****************************************

Originally Posted By: sandi2
The part about the family and in-laws getting involved and making things worse for the couple........is sad, but often very true. If her family has negative feelings for you, then they influence her......and she gets more resentful, as a result. If your family cannot accept her and treat her with some measure of kindness.......or if she cannot show them respect.......the only hope I see would be to move away from both families. But that wouldn't really solve the problem. It just puts a little distance from them. Some families just cannot blend......and the couple has to decide who takes priority. I'll give you a hint......it's neither family.

What can you do to show your W things would be different in the relationship if she decides to not get a divorce?

I will try to court her and be more intimate. Respect her for what she is and improve myself and make sure the marriage has a check mark on progress.

Originally Posted By: sandi2
The one part on her list I question is her concern that you have snooped on her devices. Has this been a problem in the past? Has she behaved inappropriately with another man.........or have you been insecure and snooped to see if she was cheating?

I have never been insecure and trust her 100% to heart. I may have snooped her devices just once or twice just for curiosity a long time ago. She thinks i spy on her all the time. has that negative feeling on me now that I am some kinda bad guy. One day i even jokingly told her when she gave her apt keys to a janitor to clean while she was not there - " You trust the janitor more than me?". the trust is broken to that extent. As a matter of fact, right from Day 1, I have always helped her get on track on finances and stuff and helped her sincerely with no ulterior motives.


M(35) F(35)
T(6) M(6)
BD 10/25/2017
S 3/12/2018
LRT 4/3
D Served 4/30
D Signed (Me) 5/1
D filed with Court 5/21
D Final 7/6
Moving on with life and doing lot of GAL since 7/6 :-)
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Thanks for answering my questions. It helps give a clearer view of the sitch. Was your W raised in a strict religious home?

When I was a young girl, I was very sheltered and society, movies, etc. were more conservative. Television shows were family oriented and very tame in comparison of today. Porn magazines, sex toys, or even condoms were never out in open display in regular stores. It may have been different in large cities, but I was a small town girl who never saw any of these things.

After getting M, my H had to tell me about oral sex. I ran to the bathroom and vomited. I was just a teenager and had never heard any whispers of any such activity between two adults. I was certain my parents would have never stooped to such vulgar behavior!! smile.

In today's world, it is more difficult to shelter our children's innocence when television and the Internet are too handy to reveal explicit information. I don't know how much your bride had been educated about sex before the wedding. My kids had sex eduction classes in school, so that shows how things changed from my early years to my children's generation.

Do you think it was an issue of innocence and not being exposed or educated about sexual intimacy..........or was she completely turned off and disgusted? In the beginning, was she unwilling to participate.......or was it more like she was frustrated and disappointed? What was her reason for not going to sex therapy....or some type of counseling with you?

If the MR mainly suffers intimacy problem, I think professional counseling could help both of you. If she has turned to another man or has emotional fantasies of OM, then it will be more complexed, but still repairable. After six years of a SSM, it would be exceptional if she has not engaged in an EA, IMHO. Again, I say the problems can be resolved with the right type of counseling. However, it can't be resolved without her willingness.

Women are highly sensitive about their weight. Her weight gain could be the result of frustration over the intimacy problems. A woman will question herself as not being desirable enough to her H, and she'll feel responsible for the ED issues. If she has body shaming, it causes a lot of self-consciousness and makes it very difficult to be uninhibited sexually. If she pulled back and didn't want you touching her intimately, her poor self image could be a big part of her problem. This is another reason I believe sex therapy could help, but I have never had sessions with a sex therapist......therefore, I can't base this on personal experience, just what I've read. I can speak from personal experience about the other things, and I know it is a poor way to begin a MR. The longer it remains in that state where each spouse blames themselves......or one another, the more problems arise around it. Emotional and physical intimacy is the core of a MR. Without it, the love will chip away a little bit at a time.

The problems with both families is more complicated. She is very attached to her family, and you are close to your family, as well. If her family is encouraging her to get a D, but she still loves you........I'm sure she feels conflicted.

I do not defend her disrespectful behavior toward your family, and neither do the details matter. I know from personal experience how sensitive a W can become when she feels her H does not treat her or show his family that she is number one over his family and friends. When there is a SSM, and she is feeling insecure about her looks, etc., it increases the tension if she feels her H is "taking sides" with her in-laws. Whether he is or isn't, he must show that she is number one in his life, or he'll have a very unhappy W. Sadly, this type of situation can cause a W to act out in unattractive ways. In her attempts to express her emotions to her H, she can often be seen as b'tchy.

Quote:
I will try to court her and be more intimate. Respect her for what she is and improve myself and make sure the marriage has a check mark on progress.


Has she told you she wants you to pursue her and court her? Does she ever act flirty with you?

When you say you will improve yourself, in what way would you improve? Have you set personal goals for yourself?

I am really glad to hear that you are physically fit and the ED issue is better. That is great.

For the time being, I don't encourage you to pursue dating if she is not suggesting it. Don't put any emotional pressure on her. Continue posting and putting together a plan of action. Currently, you are giving us a picture of your sitch, and you are reading and learning about DB. I hope you will read Divorce Remedy as soon as possible.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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Thank you very much Sandi. Your info has a lot of thoughtful stuff that needs to be looked into in depth and worked upon. There is much to learn from what you posted and i do my best to enhaance knowledge everyday on these matters. Let me breakdown the answers to your questions step by step below.

Originally Posted By: sandi2
Thanks for answering my questions. It helps give a clearer view of the sitch. Was your W raised in a strict religious home?

Yes she was raised in a strict conservative family in a small town. To this date she does not even know how to masturbate (Although I have not taught her).

Originally Posted By: sandi2
When I was a young girl, I was very sheltered and society, movies, etc. were more conservative. Television shows were family oriented and very tame in comparison of today. Porn magazines, sex toys, or even condoms were never out in open display in regular stores. It may have been different in large cities, but I was a small town girl who never saw any of these things.

After getting M, my H had to tell me about oral sex. I ran to the bathroom and vomited. I was just a teenager and had never heard any whispers of any such activity between two adults. I was certain my parents would have never stooped to such vulgar behavior!! smile.

In today's world, it is more difficult to shelter our children's innocence when television and the Internet are too handy to reveal explicit information. I don't know how much your bride had been educated about sex before the wedding. My kids had sex eduction classes in school, so that shows how things changed from my early years to my children's generation.

Do you think it was an issue of innocence and not being exposed or educated about sexual intimacy..........or was she completely turned off and disgusted? In the beginning, was she unwilling to participate.......or was it more like she was frustrated and disappointed? What was her reason for not going to sex therapy....or some type of counseling with you?

Yes I feel this is partly due to the conservative upbringing to some extent. But she was quite frustrated the very first day when the penetration was not successful. She has had her thoughts on that for quite a while. And she was also suffering from depression when I married her. She had to make some abrupt changes to her career decisions due to my marraige, which caused her apathy towards me.

Originally Posted By: sandi2
If the MR mainly suffers intimacy problem, I think professional counseling could help both of you. If she has turned to another man or has emotional fantasies of OM, then it will be more complexed, but still repairable. After six years of a SSM, it would be exceptional if she has not engaged in an EA, IMHO. Again, I say the problems can be resolved with the right type of counseling. However, it can't be resolved without her willingness.

I can vouch from my heart she has lost out of love from me. But she has said sometimes, if she finds someone out there who can show her love, she wont think twice before leaving me. At this time she does not have anyone in mind. She is a very spiritual girl. Sometimes she says, she will leave this marriage and become a nun and indulge in godly matters. She has told she wants to live single for ever and never marry again (I highly doubt that)

Originally Posted By: sandi2
Women are highly sensitive about their weight. Her weight gain could be the result of frustration over the intimacy problems. A woman will question herself as not being desirable enough to her H, and she'll feel responsible for the ED issues. If she has body shaming, it causes a lot of self-consciousness and makes it very difficult to be uninhibited sexually. If she pulled back and didn't want you touching her intimately, her poor self image could be a big part of her problem. This is another reason I believe sex therapy could help, but I have never had sessions with a sex therapist......therefore, I can't base this on personal experience, just what I've read. I can speak from personal experience about the other things, and I know it is a poor way to begin a MR. The longer it remains in that state where each spouse blames themselves......or one another, the more problems arise around it. Emotional and physical intimacy is the core of a MR. Without it, the love will chip away a little bit at a time.

This is an issue I have observed and I am to be blamed on this mostly for her feelings. I feel bad for what I did. Also she observed that her vaginal muscles are tight and she kinda hesitates allowing me to be close to her. She had ordered dilators and had told me that she would try to relax her muscles so its easier to penetrate. When we were togetherm we had discussed about taking baby steps in this matter when she feels emotionally & physically ready. Alas, she changed her mind suddenly and went into Full spree divorce mode, the minute she left home frown.

Originally Posted By: sandi2
The problems with both families is more complicated. She is very attached to her family, and you are close to your family, as well. If her family is encouraging her to get a D, but she still loves you........I'm sure she feels conflicted.

From what I heard last, her family is not completely against me and to some extent they have supported this marriage despite the issues we have and although they are biased towards her feelings. No one from her family has asked my side of the story so far yet. But they also mentioned the ultimate decision lies with her.

Originally Posted By: sandi2
I do not defend her disrespectful behavior toward your family, and neither do the details matter. I know from personal experience how sensitive a W can become when she feels her H does not treat her or show his family that she is number one over his family and friends. When there is a SSM, and she is feeling insecure about her looks, etc., it increases the tension if she feels her H is "taking sides" with her in-laws. Whether he is or isn't, he must show that she is number one in his life, or he'll have a very unhappy W. Sadly, this type of situation can cause a W to act out in unattractive ways. In her attempts to express her emotions to her H, she can often be seen as b'tchy.

I agree to this point of view. Initially when I was married I had no idea who should be kept first. As and when days progressed, I realized wife always comes first and it has been an evolution over a 6 year period. Now I have less attachment to my family and more attachment to my spouse. However, that saying is not the same for her. She is always more attached to her family. She says her parents come first then I come next. It has been this way since marriage. I have not forced her or argued with her on this matter.

[/quote] I will try to court her and be more intimate. Respect her for what she is and improve myself and make sure the marriage has a check mark on progress.

Originally Posted By: sandi2
Has she told you she wants you to pursue her and court her? Does she ever act flirty with you?

She hasn't. But I thought may be if I do our intimacy increases. Even if i try to flirt with her or court her, she sees it in a negative way as if i am doing with an ulterior motive and really not liking her.

Originally Posted By: sandi2
When you say you will improve yourself, in what way would you improve? Have you set personal goals for yourself?

I have set a number of short term and long term goals -
1) For a start I am detaching from this relationship and healing. (My wife has observed this over a course of 4 months and she is surprised the way I am handling certain matters patiently)
2) Been reading books on Mindfulness. (One day she did ask me how I have been so different. We both did some activities together and read mindfulness together. We went to Yoga classes together. We tried to spend time as much as possible with positiveness. It lasted only for a week before she became cold again and started planning to move out.
3) I spend outdoors mostly. Have changed from being introvert to Extrovert. I was always a Gym guy and I am even now, Which is one BIG positive that helped me when the BD happened. My mind and body was quickly able to take the emotional stress and pain and I recovered from it. My wife definitely sees this positive change in me and to some extent (Although she didnt express). Although devastated and did mistakes initially as per MWD, I know she was surprised how i took the BD aftermath.
4) I take 1 day at a time, an hour at a time. Concentrate for that day. Do not think of past and do not think of future. Try my best to be positive upbeat.
5) I have told her many times when she tries to argue "LET IT GO" and "FORGET THE PAST". I cant change the past but I can definitely think of a happy future if given a chance. I guess the words just fade away from her mind within an hour or so every time she is upset.

Originally Posted By: sandi2
I am really glad to hear that you are physically fit and the ED issue is better. That is great.

For the time being, I don't encourage you to pursue dating if she is not suggesting it. Don't put any emotional pressure on her. Continue posting and putting together a plan of action. Currently, you are giving us a picture of your sitch, and you are reading and learning about DB. I hope you will read Divorce Remedy as soon as possible.

I have stopped all communication with her when she said Annullment. I was deeply hurt. I have given her a green over call (Confident positive tone) for dissolution (instead of annulment) to take up matters on her own and let me know how she wants to proceed.
Have been reading Divorce Remedy for a while. I have purchased the Divorce Busting book too. will read it.

One thing i wanted to bring out is, she had disthemia for a while and she was taking medication for it. She continued medication (a very low dose) but suddenly stopped since July of last year. I have seen her issues complicating since then. And I am very very scared to bring this matter to her coz she will go nuts if i say that is the issue.


M(35) F(35)
T(6) M(6)
BD 10/25/2017
S 3/12/2018
LRT 4/3
D Served 4/30
D Signed (Me) 5/1
D filed with Court 5/21
D Final 7/6
Moving on with life and doing lot of GAL since 7/6 :-)
Joined: Apr 2018
Posts: 194
N
Nutcrac Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
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Joined: Apr 2018
Posts: 194
13 days and counting. No communication with spouse so far. Just moving on with my life.


M(35) F(35)
T(6) M(6)
BD 10/25/2017
S 3/12/2018
LRT 4/3
D Served 4/30
D Signed (Me) 5/1
D filed with Court 5/21
D Final 7/6
Moving on with life and doing lot of GAL since 7/6 :-)
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 18,666
Likes: 1
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 18,666
Likes: 1
How are you doing? Would like to hear something.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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