I am 30, i met my wife when we were both 26, things moved very fast (shoulda been a red flag) but i was quite smitten. This woman was PERFECT. she was all i ever wanted. Within 6 months we moved in together, another 8 months later (april 2014) she was pregnant. She didnt tell me about the child, and sucessfully hid it from me all summer, i didnt find out until October, and our son was born in Jan of 2015. DUring all this I proposed, and with a new baby and the honeymoon phase still in effect we were excited to move forward. Then we hit some rough times. We had to move out of our house and ended up having to stay with her mother in a 2BR condo for 9months. Not Ideal. things went a bit south. Then in June of 2016 we got a new apartment, all by itself with a nice yard. Our wedding was 3 months away. All was well. She was so happy. We got married in Sept 2016 at a beautiful ceremony. Things went well through Christmas (her B Day is Xmas Eve).
Then in Jan of 2017 she got a new job at a high end salon. New friends, new social circle. She became very cold and distant very quick. I was unaware at the time but in Jan 2017 she modified her online presence to appear single (we had only been Married 4 months at this point!!!) She put the bait out and really pulled away. Our sex life died, she became very sullen and argumentative. All summer went like this. i became increasingly suspicious. In Sept of 2017 she left for a friends birthday party and never came home that night, or all weekend. I grilled her about it and she told me she just got drunk and stayed at her friends because we had fought at 1AM when i called her wondering when she would be home.
One month later in Oct, she had been on her phone tons. I told her "show me your phone, i want to see your messages" She said no. I asked "are you cheating on me?" she nodded. the next day she went to stay with her mom. and left our 3 year old home with me. She hasnt come back. At the end of Decemeber i told her i was leaving our shared apartment if she didnt come home. SHe didnt so i moved to a friends house. She had told me the affair was a one night stand, and it was over and she was just staying at her moms for "space and time to think" She was continuing the affair. She continued to lie to me, even though i knew she was still with him frequently and even sleeping over his house with my 3 year old son IN HIS BED!!!
I filed for divorce but have it on hold. We havent spoken since JAn 24th. I have gone cold and not reaching out to her. We do all our swaps for our son through her mother (who is just as crazy....)
I have since learned a lot about limerence and narcissism.
Any shared experiences or opinions would be so helpful. I can type out more in detail in another post, as i am at work currently.
thanks.
S
M: 35, EX-W: 3, S:4 All Divorce Proceedings Complete - Oct 18 ----------------------------------------------------- 2nd EX - Was Engaged - Diagnosed BPD 2 Major breakups. 2 Rebounds
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Thanks man. I will look into these when i get home later. I will also get a bit more detailed about my situation. If anyone has any questions, im an open book.
I have done a lot of research already and have a pretty good game plan to work on this. I really dont want to get divorced, but its kind of hard not to justify that when shes living with another man and we arent even started the divorce process........
From Oct - Feb i was ADAMANT on fixing my marriage, id still like to think that might happen but i gave up on false hope a while ago.
M: 35, EX-W: 3, S:4 All Divorce Proceedings Complete - Oct 18 ----------------------------------------------------- 2nd EX - Was Engaged - Diagnosed BPD 2 Major breakups. 2 Rebounds
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
Thanks man. I will look into these when i get home later. I will also get a bit more detailed about my situation. If anyone has any questions, im an open book.
I have done a lot of research already and have a pretty good game plan to work on this. I really dont want to get divorced, but its kind of hard not to justify that when shes living with another man and we arent even started the divorce process........
From Oct - Feb i was ADAMANT on fixing my marriage, id still like to think that might happen but i gave up on false hope a while ago.
I know how you feel. It is tough. My W never moved out, but she was very obstinate for the first 4-6 weeks. About 6 weeks in I started to see her soften. A lot of that was because I think the wind came out of her sails in relation to the OM (which was an online EA since he lived several states away) as he seemed to pull back. And then she didn't see an easy path to divorce, finding a job (she is a stay at home mom), and being able to get her own place.
I can tell you that in the vast majority of the cases a relationship that begins as an A doesn't last very long. So her current situation could change at anytime. You need to read Cadet's links and just focus on being the best you that you can be.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
My biggest thing i am stuggling with right now is Divorce. the last time her and i spoke (Jan 24th) she told me for the 2nd time she wanted a divorce. I have never wanted to do this, despite the fact that she is living with her AP at the moment. I filed on Feb 28th because i felt the situation was irrecoverable, and a lot of my family was pushing for me to do so. I have since begun to have second thoughts. i know how bad both my and her decision making is within the first 6-9 months of my finding out about the affair. We have our "First Appearance" next week. We still havent spoken since Jan 24, and i have no idea where her head is at at all.
I am considering putting a hold on the divorce or withdrawing it. I dont know if she would have no reaction, get angry or what if i were to do that.
I want to wait until limerence ends and the dust settles. Once she has settled into a routine now that she is living with AP, i have a feeling the veneer is going to wear off of their relationship very quickly. Its a mess, he left an engagement for this, and she destoyed our family, all for an affair less than 4 months after being married to the man she has a 3 year old son with. I just dont get it.
Any advice on how i should handle divorce? i dont want to yet. i feel like i am jumping the gun, and only doing what she and others told / want me to do.
M: 35, EX-W: 3, S:4 All Divorce Proceedings Complete - Oct 18 ----------------------------------------------------- 2nd EX - Was Engaged - Diagnosed BPD 2 Major breakups. 2 Rebounds
Oh man, I am so sorry for you and your son. She sounds narcissistic. You're so young and have so much life ahead of you, have you considered that it's perhaps a sort of warped blessing that she showed her true colors so early on? Like you seem to know already, this affair will likely end soon too, but if she's not willing to fix herself it might be wise to think hard about taking her back as she's likely to repeat this behavior. I'm sending you lots of good thoughts, buddy. Hang in there for your adorable son and get outside and do stuff for yourself too!
Me: 43 She: 43 Married 14 Together 20 D7 S6 Separation bomb Dec 2017 Reconciled 3 weeks later Jan 2018 Second separation bomb April 2018
I am almost certain she is Narcissistic. This presents a bit of a juxtaposition for me. Do i give up on the abuse and walk away, or do i stick it out and try to help my wife, who is technically "Sick"?
Better or worse, sickness and health. you know?
M: 35, EX-W: 3, S:4 All Divorce Proceedings Complete - Oct 18 ----------------------------------------------------- 2nd EX - Was Engaged - Diagnosed BPD 2 Major breakups. 2 Rebounds
I am almost certain she is Narcissistic. This presents a bit of a juxtaposition for me. Do i give up on the abuse and walk away, or do i stick it out and try to help my wife, who is technically "Sick"?
Better or worse, sickness and health. you know?
I think the thing is to learn as much as you can here, about boundaries and such and only take her back if she works on herself and becomes a better person, if that never happens then you become the person that only a fool would leave. And she might be a fool.
