Withdrawal, The Worst Stage Yet?

[Gerda]

SnJ -- It means a lot to me that you are following my thread. I read yours too and pray for you. I love what a rock you are to your kids and family and how you keep up your sense of humor and joy. I haven't been able to write much lately because I am working so much. Even with all that work, can't make ends meet and wondering if I will have to sell our house after all. the MLC'er living beyond his means really is a contagious disease; I think I have spent so long waiting for better days that I never really faced the fact that I can't singlehandedly on my really low salary pay all our debts.

[Gerda]

Gordie, it is a sad thing to have discovered over these five years, but pretty much everyone I know is very ready to sit me down and tell me to get serious about divorcing my husband but no one ever offers to do anything at all for my kids. I even ask people many times over -- just to take one or both for a hot chocolate or send texts to my son, etc., and it happens almost never. There is no male figure in my son's life except one of my friends who is not very present, but his house (in another state) is the only out-of-town place my son is willing to go. So I am going there in a week or two with my kids, just worrying that my H will try to come. Being away gave me so much perspective and made it seem even more surreal that I live like this normally; I want to go away as much as I can, as I did in the first two years, but now my son is such a mess he barely will leave the house and refuses to go anyway. Leaving him here all weekend with my H was heart-breaking for me, and when I came back, my son was just a ball of rage. When my parents divorced, I had a huge extended family, and so, while it was horribly traumatic and damaging, I had this whole world of family that gave me a place and kept me sane. My kids have none of that. A little bit from church but my son won't go anymore and in the end, it's just not like family being at each other's houses all the time, etc. I think this is one reason why I found your threads and SnJ's so wonderful -- you are such good fathers, and it is so critical for our kids! My son has totally been destroyed by this whole thing and there is nothing I can do but try to be a lighthouse in the dark for him too.

[Gordie]

Your son sounds depressed

Understandably

You may qualify for free assistance through your school

Or a social worker

You sound so alone

I wish you had more help for you first

For your kids second

What support do you have for you

[SBJ]

Gerda, I saw what you responded on Gord's thread about Red Oak Cafe. They are a couple of hours from me, but I see that they have a pancake challenge so I def have to go. I also read the daily devotionals on RMM and think that they are great. Her and Bob's books have been instrumental in my sitch as has this community.

God does have a plan for us and He will get us thru to the other side of this no matter how bad our circumstances seem at the time. Please know that your BIC & SIC have your back thru prayer daily. I am trying to listen to Him more than I do to my friends and family. It seems that sometimes they start talking about moving on and dating or remarrying someone else and it just drives me crazy. Almost like someone has put it on their heart to drive me away from praying for and standing for my marriage.

Hang in there.

[Brubeck]

Hi Gerda,

Catching up on your sitch again. Wow. Just incredible, how much you're keeping together. The business and the debts and the finances. It's so much work. I'm glad you got away.

You weren't kidding about the conflict-avoidance thing. I also let my W's spending get out of control in the beginning because she was accusing me of trying to control her when all I wanted was for her to keep within our budget.

I will not tell you to file for a divorce. If you ever switch from standing to leaving, I don't think it will be a decision. It will not be a choice for you. It will be something you do out of sheer survival. You won't quit your marriage, you will just be worn out of it.

Putting together the history of your financial situation, I haven't quite figured out if your debt is growing because of his continued MLC behavior.

I understand not rocking the boat because MLCers will rage and monster without provocation, but that doesn't mean you should let him keep poking holes in the boat (i.e. your house/family/life). He doesn't care if the boat is sinking, he is expecting you to fix it. He is busy trying to distract himself from the pain he's in by banging his head against a wall while trying to figure out why he has a headache.

I agree with everyone about job's suggestion for the spreadsheet. It allows him to see the situation in a frame of mind that he's comfortable with. Explaining this to him is useless. He's not going to listen, he's just looking for ammunition to start a fight - whatever you say.

What I'm driving at his, if he is making the financial situation worse, you have to re-design your budget to stop him.

I'm not telling you how to talk to him, but if you're the primary income earner, if you're working more hours than him, and if you're managing your household budget - You are the decision maker who's thinking best for the family. He is not. YOU ARE IN CONTROL.

You are damned if you do and damned if you don't. Anything and everything you do that isn't appeasement will make him Monster. What is the cost of keeping a situation quiet for him so he doesn't monster? He drags your family farther down into a pit.

I can't give you practical A-B-C financial advice, as I don't know the particulars of your situation. Some of your debt is his MLC craziness, and you sold off your side business because of his MLC behavior.

You've endured enough already, and he will keep this going as long as you're willing to put up with it. GALing includes taking care of yourself, and re-designing the family budget is all part of that.

He will respond with great anger, but what can he do besides that? He can get angry and/or he can file for divorce. That's all. If you proceed with how things are out of fear he'll file, well he's hoping for that. Make decisions that are best for your household. If those decisions make him angry and he monsters, that's his problem.

As for your son, he may very well be depressed - but he is also at that age where emotions are cranked up to nuclear levels anyway. Sulking and playing video games all day is par for the course for a teenager. I did plenty of loafing around and disengaging from my parents when I was that age.

The walking on eggshells is tough for us. We get so used to it that we don't always see the additional ways we contort ourselves so we don't stir our monster spouses.

I hate to hear you're lonely. I hope you get more moments of away time. I suggest evening walks after the day's work is done, to clear your head. I will be thinking of you tonight when I do the same.

[DnJ]

Hello Gerda, what can I say. Kids, teenagers - Brubeck nailed it, their emotions are cranked up to start with, then add in MLC abandonment and wow.

I have 4 kids who are all at different stages in life and places in grief. Trying to keep up is demanding. Over the last couple of weeks they all changed emotionally and headed off in new directions. Mothers Day, birthdays, grad and stuff is probably playing a part. Currently S21 is argumentative and rebellious, S19 is level-headed, S17 is quiet, and D15 (soon to be 16) is open and talkative.

I am glad you are being the lighthouse for your son. Keep shining and showing him the path, he will see it.

You mentioned the financial situation and you are already working 5 part time jobs. It sounds like you are reaching a point where some tough decisions are going to have to be made. You received a pretty good response up there ^^^. The finances are unfortunately a big part of MLC, so please consider things while you still have options.

Thanks for the advice on the bnb.

DnJ

[Gerda]

DnJ, Gordie, Brubeck-- It's pretty amazing that for a long time I left these boards because they made me feel worse. Now that I am in BD 2 zone, I started lurking again, then posting, now I eagerly look at my thread to see if any my friends checked in. THANK YOU SO MUCH for taking so much time to think about me and care about me and give me such helpful and non-judgemental but compassionate advice. It is sustaining me so much right now. I sometimes go back to my thread and just reread what you all wrote as a break from the nine millions jobs.

One thing I didn't mention is that I am my own lawyer in state supreme court right now because the evil dudes that bought my biz never paid me and won't apply for their own lease. They are kind of like the biz version of MLCers. A lot of the MLC and biz debt I expected to pay off with their payment never got paid, and that is one reason why I am such a sinking ship. Well, I mean, if you don't count MLC and having zero contribution from my H since before BD 1. So in between my jobs, I often end up in court, defending myself against more evil. But the funny thing is that in that realm where I started out so scared, I have gotten very confident and savvy and win a victory in every appearance. The court attorney even demanded a settlement conference in June and demanded that they apply for their own lease two weeks before the conference so we'd have an answer from the landlord by then. So I just have to figure out how low I am willing to go. And you know what's kind of miraculous -- when I filed the first TRO, to get them to pay back rent and taxes and not abandon the space, my assigned judge was out of town and I got sent to another court. It was divorce court. And my prayer partner sent me a prayer that justice would rain down on me. And the judge signed my order and was kind to me. And I walked out and it was raining. It was a real God moment, telling me yes, I am here for you and I even want to show you I am here in divorce court!

Anyway I want to respond to all your amazing thoughts but I am working too much til next week so it will have to wait. Lots of good ideas and good thoughts here though I really don't know how to do some of what you are saying without going to court myself. But I will read through what you all wrote some more and write again soon. THANK YOU for being my friends here, the support is so wonderful, gets me all teary and I hope I can do the same for you.

Oh and by the way -- my brother came this morning to do school work and a school application with my son. My son was TOTALLY different with him and got work done. Then my dad came into town, he is 91. My son has been so wonderful all day and just DRINKING up the masculine love he is getting. My H fortunately was too scared to be here and went upstate. So I am enjoying a couple days of normal family life and love, it is so freeing! When I think of my H returning, I admit, I am sick at heart. But leaning on God.

OK now I really will sign off and go back to work.

[Gerda]

SBJ, I am so glad you have Rejoice too. I don't know if this has ever appeared in my threads, but at BD, I was Jewish and mostly atheist. A lot happened through this stand to call me, it's a pretty amazing story that I won't put here. But I was baptized a couple years ago. Standing for my M through so much impossible circumstances only became possible for me when I considered Christ, and then once I did, everything was clear for me too. Rejoice was a huge part of that.

I hear that in TX people drive long distances without thinking too much about it, so I hope you can make it to Red Oak and will let me know how it went! On their site are a bunch of links to all the times the place was featured in the news. She has definitely used her stand for her marriage to help many other standers.

[SBJ]

Germany, my D16 has adopted my Jeep so I bought a BMW convertible and like taking topless road trips. I'll let you know when I go over there. It's not that far for a Sat drive.

[Gordie]

Gerda

Amazing story to find faith through this

So glad son connectrd well with his male relatives