Withdrawal, The Worst Stage Yet?

[Gerda]

Not at all more patient than you. Maybe less than anyone. It was always my thorn, to be patient. I'm incredibly impatient and always the quickest to answer, the quickest to know. I am just also very obedient to God's will, and the patience is the grace I got in return. I am on my knees everyday asking for the grace to bear it. I don't know how anyone could last even a week or a month of MLC without faith, so if you don't have faith, trust me, you are a million times more patient than I am!

[Gerda]

I just got this in my inbox from a list I am on, from a family site. It's interesting because my son and I were so very close before my husband changed and now as the years go by, my son has spiraled into a similar avoidance behavior (including refusing to go to school) and treats me even worse than my H does. i know that my son's issues are a direct consequence of his father's MLC and yet all I can really do is try to pick up the pieces.

Where do children learn to think highly of their mothers? Who sets the pattern for their young minds, positioning Mom as a much-loved and respected member of the family—instead of being chief cook and scrub lady?

The best public-relations agent for Mom—is Dad. Fathers can wield tremendous influence over what children think of their mothers, or of women in general. Early in my marriage to Shirley, I learned that occasional irritation between us quickly reflected itself in the behavior of our children. They seemed to feel, “If Dad can argue with Mom, then we can, too.” I learned how important it was to express love and admiration for my wife, even when there were issues that we needed to iron out beyond their gaze. In short, my attitudes became the attitudes of my children, which I now know to be typical.

In a world that often discounts the contribution of women, especially homemakers, it’s up to us as husbands to say in a dozen ways, “Your mother is a wonderful woman! She works hard and she deserves tremendous credit for what she gives to us all. As far as I’m concerned, she’s number one!”

Kids will quickly recognize the respect shown by a father and reflect it in their attitudes and behavior. It is a public-relations assignment that only they can perform.

[job]

Gerda,

Your last posting came up blank and I was testing to see if I could bring it back. Is your last posting correct?

[Gerda]

Hi, Job-- the text is right, I guess system didn't like the formatting.

Job, since you are here -- something I have noticed in myself since we seem to have started over this whole MLC nightmare with a new bomb drop -- my heart is heavy like it was in year one and year two. I have my faith ways of dealing with this but for the DB way, is detachment our only answer to that? Do you remember how right after bomb drop you had this mixture of disbelief and total naive assurance that it would all be okay very soon -- and then slowly you lost all hope until you got strong again, through detachment, etc., and were ready for a longer haul? I am in this weird state of having all the wisdom of 5 years of standing and yet a brand new freshly shredded heart, and it is so painful!

[job]

Gerda,

What you are feeling is absolutely normal because you had begun to heal from the first BD and now, that scar has been torn open once again. Right now, you are in a very low place, but, in time, you will slowly rise again.

Use the tools that you acquired the first time around to help you this time. Your faith and the DB tools will help and make you stronger. Just like the young tree blowing in a hurricane, you will bend, but you can't be broken. You are stronger than you think.

This time around, keep the focus on you and you alone. Leave him in God's hands.

[Gerda]

Thank you for this hug, Job. I really really needed it.

[job]

Gerda,

It is a very difficult journey that you are on and one that I truly do understand. It's difficult enough to get one BD, but to get a second one...it really does rip the scar right open.

Be patient and kind w/yourself. You have done absolutely nothing wrong. Now, it is your time to heal and focus on you and what you need to do to pick yourself up. It's going to take you a while to get back to where you were prior to the second BD, but I can assure you, when you do, you will be far stronger and wiser than you were the first time around.

Gerda, I have a lot of faith in you and the power of prayers. You will be okay.

[Gerda]

Job, your words have been really helpful to me the past few days. I kept reading them and thinking about them. They have given me a lot of courage and the determination to be clear-headed and get my confidence back. I am detaching much more quickly this time though I do get confused between my DB stance and my Rejoice Min stance, which have cross overs but are sometimes really different. Thank you for your words, you have been a light to me all these five years, and interestingly from the beginning, the book of Job has been my rock.

[Gordie]

Gerda

How has your H rejected his faith and explored other religions

If this change is permanent do you arill wish to remain married to him

I agree wirh your post about H modeling tespeft for W and women in general

That used to be easy

But now the best i can do is not say bad things

It is really tricky

Because they have lost respect for their mother

And it is totally understandable

[Gordie]

I am sorry your son has beckme rebellious towards you

Is he still close to H or take his side