Withdrawal, The Worst Stage Yet?

[Cadet]

TrustingFaith

She has an in home MLC'er who is finally starting to come out of MLC - Reconnected with everyone but her,
I know her personally - but she has not posted here in 6 years.
She is starting to see glimpses of her husband again.
Its been almost 10 years!!

[Gerda]

Hi, Job == Is there no longer an edit button for posts? I realized that I need to remove some information I should not have put in my post. I was in a desperate state when started writing and not thinking clearly about what should go down "on paper"!

[Gerda]

Hi, Cadet -- Did she post about this or you mean you just know about it? I would love to hear some of the latest on that story! Ten years. God, I hope that's not what I am facing. I made it through almost five since bomb drop, but I guess it's been about seven since things started unraveling.

[job]

Gerda,

Go to the posting you want edited, hit the notify button and tell me what you want deleted and I'll do it for you. The edit button no longer exists and we have asked to have it restored a number of times.

[Cadet]

Hi, Cadet -- Did she post about this or you mean you just know about it?
I would love to hear some of the latest on that story!
Ten years.
God, I hope that's not what I am facing.
I made it through almost five since bomb drop, but I guess it's been about seven since things started unraveling.

No, afraid it is not posted here on DB,
I do know her personally so I am aware of what is happening but she does not post about it anymore.

It is following part of the script, for her.

MLC takes forever - I am afraid that is the truth.

[Gerda]

Jase, that is so nice of you, your post means a lot to me. It is a very lonely undertaking, and usually I feel like I am failing at everything, so I can't understand how you can even come to that conclusion about me from what I wrote. When I look at my post, I feel like I just seem grouchy, miserable, despairing. I want to be all the things you said that I am, but I am mostly grouchy, tired, despairing except when I am in prayer and just resting in God's arms. Or when I am helping someone else (teaching or just in life).

I’ll tell you that the hardest part of MLC for me now is my children. My daughter is okay, sad but okay, but my son has spiraled downward and is skipping school a lot and very rageful, so right now it's like having an older and a younger version of the same MLC at home. I want to just be kind and trust God and not worry but lately I feel like all I do is worry because of my son – I have detached for some years now as far as my husband, with some stumbling, but with my son I get back that same desperation for my husband to return so that my son can have a father again and not just this horrible distant teenage zombie person. I have anger towards my husband that I had conquered before, because of my son's suffering. My advice because of all that I have seen happen to my kids these last years -- look for the joy in your GAL but as much as possible, put all your energy into loving your kids and showing them a happy life full of family and friends all the time, great holidays, traditions, trips, even if you are on a very tight budget, just find things to do that don't cost much. I tried to do this but I let it go too much the last few years because of endlessly working to hold to the house, and now things with my son are past a breaking point.

Last night I found a post after a few clicks from Cadet's link, and it was someone a lot like me. I realized in looking at it that the acceptance we all long for is the key to everything, but it requires a confidence in your own outlook that is very difficult when you have an in-home prodigal for so long. Because you are hearing all the lies that the devil plants in the spouse's head, you get confused a lot. The fog overwhelms your own mind if you let it. I realized in reading that post that I need to GAL in a different way. I did GAL when it all started -- I started a new side career that I really love (not enough money but I love it), I started working on my novel again, I made (and continue to make) my way through all the legal battles from loss of our business and IRS and my illness- and most of all, I became a Christian and made friends through that. But in the last year or so I realize I have been in this holding pattern -- or rather, like a butterfly pinned to a board, just waiting for release. I feel like I am on the cross 24-7. I want to find a way to GAL again, something new, where I don't feel like I am wasting my life but rather living it, and still being obedient to God's will for me. I want to banish that fog and not be confused about who I am or feel that I am doing everything wrong all the time.

Anyway, I don't know if my confusion is helpful to read about, but I saw that you just started this journey, so I thought maybe it would be helpful to talk a little bit about how I feel after all these years. I never believed it when people said it would be endless, but I wish there is some way to convince newbies of that, as I think you could build a life for yourself while you stand much better if you understood that. Another thing I do is that I pray each and every day for my husband. Sometimes I can’t find the words, so I just use the missal or I personalize a prayer. If you are feeling hatred/rage/despair/blame about your wife, and you start out, “The Lord is W’s shepherd, she shall not want…” you can’t believe the peace that will come over you. If I miss a day, I get overtaken by the heartbreak. Rejoice Ministries was a big help to me in that, and I even have a prayer partner in a far-away state through them.

Also -- I am committed to my covenant marriage until death parts us, even if he leaves, no matter what he does. I have no interest in starting over with someone new, but lately I wish I was just alone. But the thought of him actually leaving and my kids having to deal with that, that does scare me. In the end, I am happy we are still together in some way, and I am not at all sure about what I just did, my asking him to leave. I realize that on some level I am asking him to leave in the hopes that it will wake him up, and that is not going to work at all, as we know. So this makes me wonder if rather than obsessing over how much happier I will be if he is gone, I need to refocus on myself, have the confidence not to get confused, to leave the room if he is bullying me as I did for the first couple of years when it was so clear to me that he was not himself. As time goes on, you get so used to the "new" him that you forget that it's not him at all. You think that somehow you have to love this new person in order to keep your covenant, but it's more like learning to love an enemy, a task no human can do, but which is possible if God enables it in you, as it's how He loves. I just long for clarity, that’s what is hardest to maintain with an in-house prodigal.

Send you love and prayers, Jase. I am doing a 9-day novena right now and I am going to add you and your wife to it, 8 more days. Thank you for your very very kind words to me, it was a real lift.

[Gerda]

Job, one other question -- do you recall any threads that describe what you say here, that they revisit all the stages? I have read about it on another forum, etc., but I guess I am just longing to see a couple of specific stories about it. I hunted around the forum but didn't find much about that specifically. It helps so much when you see other people going through the same thing-- it helps me detach when I realize that what I am seeing is "normal" in the horrible abnormal universe of MLC.

[job]

Gerda,

I don't recall many people coming here and discussing their spouses revisiting the four stages of denial, anger, replay and withdrawal, i.e., all wrapped up into one last visit before settling down. By the time some of these crisis people wake up, the spouses have moved on and aren't around to witness the "mass" confusion" towards the end.

But it does make sense that the way they enter the crisis would also be the way that they exit it. For example, we are the first people that they distance from when entering the crisis, then come the kids, pets, friends, family and co-workers and the order would be the exact opposite when they begin to exit the crisis. If you haven't read the thread that I created on reconnection, you might want to read it. Here's the link:

TMAK: Explanation of Reconnection (new)

In my opinion, I think your h is stuck and has never left the anger/replay stage. True it's been a long time, but some of them do get stuck and they cycle over and over again until all of the issues are resolved. I don't think he's any where near exiting his crisis...but again, that's my opinion.

BTW, I edited your last posting to remove your reference to another site/person. That individual use to post here and created her own site later on and we aren't allowed to reference other sites that serve the same purpose as this one. She used the stages posted by someone else and went more in depth due to her own crisis, as well as that of her h. Timelines and behaviors do vary from person to person.

[Gerda]

I woke up to a five page letter from him, very painful, all about the idea "idea of home," still rewriting our history, detailing how I never loved him and bragging that the other woman would never leave her husband and kids. Made me wonder if you are spot on that he is stuck.

My very first post here was about stirring the pot. I remember people doing that when they were stuck but I don't know what it means. Or do you mean that here too, if he is stuck, there is nothing I can do but GAL? He mentioned in his letter that he started seeing a "spiritual therapist" but I imagine this person will just encourage him to leave such a horrible and controlling woman as he is presenting me to be. He refuses to attend counseling with me.

[DnJ]

Gerda, wow five years living with this. I can’t imagine. You must be a strong woman and of strong faith.

I have found different points of view to be helpful. Thank you for sharing some of your perspective.

DnJ