Withdrawal, The Worst Stage Yet?

[Gerda]

Greetings from Gerda, long-gone from these threads but still knee deep in MLC.

I stopped posting because I found more peace in prayer but still lurk once in a while. Please be gentle on me as I am very scared to post at all. But I just wanted to know if others have been through the later stages and found them to be worse in some ways than anything that came before.

I thought things would get better after replay, but now my H seems to be in all the stages at once. It's a horrifying tornado of insanity, and a lot of vicious hurtful spewing that I hadn't seen in year or maybe more, it's all a blur at this point. After 5 years of active MLC, I am finding this current stage to be the worst yet, because it seems to be all the stages rolled up into one. I am also getting confused at times -- e.g., when he tells me I am the crazy one, I find myself trying to convince him that it's not true instead of just leaving the room.

The last year or so he seemed to be getting more rational, there were even some downright nice moments of family connection, and I thought maybe things were going to be okay. But then things slid down and have gotten worse and worse. Now he seems to be totally spiraling into bipolar madness. All the irrational monster madness, trying to get me to sell the house again as he did in the early years of MLC (he has not given me any money for kids or house in over five years -- and in fact I gave him money many times -- and now again wants to sell so that he never has to get a job and can live off "his half"). In a weird version of wanting to recapture just the early days of MLC, he was even trying to take back the biz I had to sell when he first spiraled. Unfortunately that sale ended up in a lawsuit mess. When I try to explain that a case in state Supreme Court doesn't go away until it's settled by the court, he rages that I block him from everything, emasculate him as I have "always done," and that's why he could never love me, etc. I just give this as an example, but of course there are many. It is unbearable, the fighting, which he starts only when the kids are present. Honestly I had forgotten all about boundaries and only after this morning's fight remembered that I needed to set some.

He has never left the house but did have a long A, but this is the first time since this started that I truly want him to leave. I find that I can no longer be consistently kind to him or understanding when he starts up for the nine millionth time about how hard his life is -- after 5 years of being sole support for me and my kids and doing everything, even taking out the trash and walking the dog, with no help at all, I have to put up some walls if I am going to hold on to my sanity at all. I try to be civil but I just can't be the friend I tried to be before this latest stage.

That's the background -- but I am not looking for advice on my sitch, I am just looking for confirmation from others who went through this stage, wondering if others found it to be the worst one yet. I've never felt as hopeless as I do lately, despite my total trust in God.

[job]

Gerda,

I am so sorry that you are back here again.

I have two thoughts on your situation: 1) they do tend to revisit all of the stages before they finally get to the end stage which is called acceptance. They will rant and rave and carry on terribly because they are still fighting the demons that are holding them back; or 2) it could be that he never finished replay for whatever reason and he's still experiencing replay and anger and he may have also met another woman or he's seen a woman that he thinks is attracted to and he may think that if he's ugly towards you, that you'll kick him out. Keep in mind that these are only my opinions.

Gerda, your h may need to be out on his own for him to see just how hard life is. Do whatever you need to do to keep your sanity. Five years is a long time and he should have been settling down by now and not the other way around. Please take care of yourself.

P.S. Did you have a thread of your own when you posted previously? If so, do you happen to remember the title? I would be happy to search for it and link it to this one for reference purposes.

[Gordie]

Gerda,

You said you didn’t want advice so I’ll refrain. They say this is a marathon but 5 years of in house MLC is an ultra, ultra marathon.

How have you stuck with him for so long and why? Is it your faith? Is it finances? Is it fear? How have you kept your sanity? Give us some advice.

[Gerda]

It's good to hear from you, Job. I have continued to look at your posts all these years.

I never really made a proper thread but I think this is the one that comes close. I used to post to Wet a lot but it looks like he stopped posting. I still pray for him sometimes. And for all of you.

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...029#Post2525029

[Gerda]

Thanks for the validating words, Gordie. It is an ultra marathon, and it means a lot to have someone who understands recognize that, so thank you.

If you read my first thread, you can see that in this time I survived breast cancer, his A, death of my mom, loss of our family business-- and when I sold it, the buyers never paid me and refuse to apply for their own lease, so I am also battling them, pro se, in court!!!! Kids are suffering a lot because of the loss of their dad, though my daughter is very forgiving and barely remembers the "real papa." When I started this whole thing, I was Jewish and fairly atheist. But I was passionately anti-divorce since my parents' divorce when I was a teen, and was already writing a novel about the normalization of divorce in the 80's.

This experience put my belief to the test and forged an even more powerful belief, based on not the world but on Christ. Many miracles happened to me along the way, calling me to Christ and providing me with courage/strength through faith (including many people sent to me through the church to help me). I have tried to trust God despite the impossible circumstances and despite stumbling. I live very close to my church in a big city and often run there several times to pray and pour our my heart, in addition to the regular church stuff. Confession is a huge help to me when I go, it works in such a mysterious way to confess your own faults when someone else is the obvious cause of so much pain (and obviously you get to talk about that in context too), and I highly recommend it!

That is how I do it.

It is most definitely not finances. My husband has not given me any money in years, and spent money like the usual MLC so there is some debt from that. I am desperately trying to hold on to our house as I run a business here which pays our mortgage. Mortgage doubled last June (predatory loan) and I have been trying to modify it ever since.

Since you said marathon -- Corinthians 9:24. But I also trust God that when he is not supplying me with what I need, despite repeated prayers, that maybe now he wants me to try something else. I am at the end of my rope and unable to be kind or patient anymore, though I mostly manage to be civil. We don't share a room in many years so that helps. The problem is that my husband has nowhere to go and no money at all. I did write him a (loving) letter yesterday asking if he could find a housesit or something for a while but generally if I allude to that possibility he rages that I have to sell the house because he owns this very valuable house and isn't going to be a 50 year old man with no money in his pocket. He says that my desire to keep the house is evidence that all I care about is money and doesn't obviously understand how much I slave to keep it going. I have been encouraging him to go to a lawyer to ask about how it would work so that he can finally understand what child support would mean if we sell.

Ack, this is more than I planned to write. I guess I needed to vent! I really just wanted to hear about how other people's experiences with this stage compare. I am not able to change my circumstances but I do love getting experiential empathy from LBS's if you have more of those!

[Gerda]

P.S. My thread was called, "To Stir or Not Stir that Pot." It's funny (or really sad!) to think about that now, I was in year two and thought I was near the end. Job, I want to tell you that you are very special to me in this journey! Thank you for your kindness and care, even if I am very stubborn about the advice.

[job]

Gerda,

What is important here is taking care of you. You may think you are stubborn about taking the advice...but we all were that way for a long time. The advice has to sink in and once we realize that we can't fix them...they have to do it themselves, we can then begin to move forward inch by inch.

Do you want me to post the homework links to you? BTW, I have put in a request to have you released from moderation and hopefully that will happen very soon.

[Gerda]

I hear you, Job, but there are some aspects of my situation that are beyond my control. I can't force my husband to leave if he won't leave. I am not going to throw all his belongings in the street. My situation is very bad, but God is also present for those in the Holocaust, he is present where children are starving, he is present in war. I am ready for my husband to leave for a season but if he won't leave, I have to trust God to get me through. I will not use the law in this matter, and at this point that is the only option left to me.

Thank you about the moderation but you know I am "touch-and-go" on the boards, and this is a brief foray, just wanting to hear some stories of others who have been at this stage.

I have read everything possible on MLC, I don't need any homework, but thank you. Just, as I said, wanting to hear some stories from other survivors to understand what is going on right now.

[job]

Gerda,

If he gets fed up enough w/his situation, he may very well leave on his own. I am going to suggest that you read HaWho's threads. Her h was living in his dorm room for a few years and he finally bubbled over and has left, but is still acting out, etc. You may find some of her techniques to be of help to you.

[JaseP]

God bless you, Gerda. I'm crying here at what a kind, giving, patient soul you are and how awful I feel that you've been treated this way. Life is so hard and just [censored] sometimes, doesn't it? Hugs to you, dear.