I had no idea what a MLC was until now...

[job]

When you have some time, visit the other threads and post. The more you interact w/others, the more people will come over to visit your thread.

[JaseP]

Sorry, one more thing that touches on a couple replies here addressing the possibility of an affair. I am 99.9% certain there hasn't been a physical affair, but I'm also nearly positive that as her job changed about 6 months ago that she developed a sort of warped fantasy/infatuation with her new boss who lives a few hundred miles away. She has to be in that office near him every other week. He's single, loaded, handsome, charming, etc and she was swooning over him and I think had work crushes on the other supposedly dashing men who work with him for the first couple months. (I've not met any yet, fwiw.) She got crazy obsessed with the gym, dropped a ton of weight (is too skinny now), bought a ton of new, designer clothes in her new size, takes way longer to get dolled up for her trips down there or a couple hours of makeup if they're visiting the office here.

BUT, over the past few weeks she's totally changed her opinion, or so it seems for now. She now can't stand the boss who's beyond cheap and stubborn and working her to the bone just to make his company money. He's no longer charming and sweet and generous as he came across the first few months.

So, I'm guessing there was a 1-sided emotional affair as this guy wants nothing in life but to make money for his company, and I supposed she's realizing that now and is processing those feelings. Any time this has come up over the past couple months she vehemently denies ever cheating in any way...but of course I can't know for sure. Thanks again for listening. Bless you all.

[SBJ]

Jase, as you said it is all speculation for now, but everyone is simply using their experiences with their MLCer and relaying it to you. In most of the cases here there were affair partners. They were either emotional (EA), or physical (PA). In my case it was EA that I know about and I can tell you it hurt just as much as a physical betrayal.

She got crazy obsessed with the gym, dropped a ton of weight (is too skinny now), bought a ton of new, designer clothes in her new size, takes way longer to get dolled up for her trips down there or a couple hours of makeup if they're visiting the office here.

What you said here fit my sitch spot on. My MLCer did much of the same thing and when she knew she would be in the same vicinity of the OM would make sure she was as hot as she could. It was obvious later as to what was going on. She has always liked to look nice, but it got weird for sure.

I know everything is still new, but what are you doing to work on yourself for your own sanity?

Keep posting. Keeping learning. Keep growing.

[JaseP]

Hi sbj, thank you kindly for your reply. I'm now focusing on being the best dad I can be to my two little ones, and I'm so happy I've begun taking yoga again. I'm getting more mentally and physically fit as a result.

I'm debating being really sympathetic to her crisis, or just calling her bluff and cutting off all intimate contact and unnecessary questions and comments about her work and mt life.

[AndrewP]

Any time this has come up over the past couple months she vehemently denies ever cheating in any way...but of course I can't know for sure.

For those who haven't made a study of infidelity like many of us here through trying to untangle what the heck happened, most people have a very specific definition of what constitutes and "affair". Just ask Bill Clinton (sorry if I offended anyone's politics).

Emotional affairs / fantasy affairs can be just as damaging and sometimes more than when people get down and dirty doing the horizontal mambo. More so when both people are heavily invested in it. After all, our marriages weren't just about sex - heck for many of us who were married for a long time sex wasn't even all that frequent.

BUT - she probably doesn't see it as an "affair" and you can feel free to go along with that narrative. It is a huge red flag in your relationship though. I honestly don't know what to advise you as far as dealing with that goes though. I'm certainly not an expert but I hope you have ones available to you.

A few things that I've learned that are important in any marriage is openness, honest communication and recipocity. For a bunch of us here many of our marriages were pretty one-sided where either us as LBS were either carrying much of the load of the marriage or pretty much none of it. Have you given thought to how the dynamic of your own marriage and family falls into that? I'm not saying that you needed to both carry half of each load, that's unreasonable for most families, but do you think that both of you feel that the other is "doing their part"?

Just some things to think about.

[JaseP]

Andrew, I think you're spot on about her not seeing it as an affair or cheating, in fact, most people unfamiliar with the nuances of these issues would likely agree, but I totally see that having emotional feelings heavily stirred up for the first time in decades is WAY more damaging and so much harder to untangle than, say, a drunken kiss from a stranger at a night club.

My concern is that even if she's now shedding those feelings and acting like she wants to stay together (I don't allow myself to believe it though) isn't there a real risk that this could repeat again?

Our house guests have just left and so the guest room is free again. I'm REALLY struggling with forcing her in there or allowing her to stay in our more comfortable bedroom. I need to learn the tools to set strict boundaries, but I'm also worried that even if she misses me it could push her further away, mutual resentment and bitterness would set in again, and we'd be less likely to reconcile.

She keeps hugging me, calling me baby, giving the odd kiss these past two days since her last freakout six days ago. I feel like I need to call her bluff and cut off contact aside from issues relating to the kids.

I sooo appreciate any thoughts and advice. Have a great wknd, everyone!

[job]

Jase,

I would not "force" her to move into the guest bedroom. I would allow her to make that decision herself. You are coming across as an "authority figure, i.e., a dad to her. You don't want her to look at you that way.

The more you attempt to control her or sway her to your thinking, the more she will pull away. I hate to say this because you aren't ready to hear it...but you need to treat her like a roommate. Listen, validate and affirm her thoughts when she talks to you. If she asks for your opinion, then give it...otherwise, sit quietly and the answers will come.

As for the affair, they don't look at affairs the way we do. They look at them as just being friends and f@ck buddies and nothing more. She's a teenager right now and teenagers do not know the meaning of true love and how deep it runs w/people.

I would suggest that you not seek her out for conversations. Treat her like a roommate and go about your business. Discussions about the kids, bills, etc. are okay. Just leave her be...allow her to figure things out and yes, you need to dig really deeper for patience because you are dealing with a teenager who is out there searching for her inner self.

The crisis will not end today, tomorrow or next week and it could take years. While she is on her journey of self discovery, you are on one too and that means focusing on yourself and your kids. Do some of the things that you've put off doing, this is a good opportunity to start doing more w/the kids and no, you don't always have to invite her along. Go out for coffee and you don't have to tell her all of your business as to where you go and what you are doing. Be a bit mysterious. Make her wonder and miss you.

As for the kissing...your w doesn't know what she wants. She's bouncing between two worlds and trying to figure things out. Patience and more patience are need now.

[JaseP]

Thank you Job for your wise wise words. She was the one threatening to move out or into the den, so perhaps I was mistaken to call her bluff and tell her I need the boundaries now too. Just this morning she went from being so huggy and needy to then flipping out that the playroom was a mess, screaming and lashing out at me and the kids, refusing to calm down.

I'm just confused as to what exact boundaries I set. I fear her wanting to be affectionate if she sleeps in my bed, and then having another repeat of the threats and abuse. I noticed she had her wedding ring off again and she said "we're not married" so I said "I can't be the chump" and took mine off too. Was this a mistake? Thanks for any advice, you're so kind to help out a newbie like me.

[mleigh4]

Hi JaseP,

Sorry you are here, but you are surrounded by many wonderful people here.

Like Job said, let her make the decision to move to the other room or not. If you force it, that will be used to justify her behavior and feelings. It's difficult to sit back and be patient, but trust me, I learned a lot of things the hard way by reacting on anger and emotion instead of letting things play out.

It can be a long and difficult road. Right now do your best to focus on your kids and yourself. You will need to be the stable rock for them.

M

[JaseP]

Thank you so much, Mleigh...it's just so hard. I had no idea. I'm trying my hardest to focus on my kids and not the looming fallout.

I'm so dreading the talk with my parents who are devout christians and will be utterly devastated. They adore her and our kids of course...I worry most that my dad who's 72 might have a breakdown of sorts.