I've been thinking about how to stop dwelling, and I have come up with a plan. Every day after the kids go to bed and W and I go to our separate rooms, I'm going to spend 5 minutes, and only 5 minutes, thinking about that day and what happened. After the 5 minutes are up I'll say something like, "oh well", and there is no more dwelling on what has happened. and get busy with some sort of project (basically me time stuff). I'm hoping that giving myself some brief, scheduled time to dwell on things will allow me to be free the rest of the day to throw that impulse aside and move past it without worry. I'm also hoping that eventually I'll stop wanting to think and analyze things before the 5 minutes are up. Thus shrinking this time eventually to nothing.
W has been pretty friendly and talkative the last couple evenings. We were playing with S3 last night and smiling and laughing together as the three of us played together. She says she is choosing to be happy. I'm taking that at face value and don't want to analyze it any further as that is a rabbit hole that won't help me at all. Her IC session was cancelled last night as the IC has the flu. It's been rescheduled for next week. I am continuing to GAL and focusing on myself. I don't think I've ever been so motivated in my workouts, and I've been connecting with my family a lot more recently. My sisters are 10+ years older than me, so I have never been really close with them, but I'm trying a lot more now.
I have a question I'd like some input on. I am as close to W's family as my own, if not closer. W says she doesn't mind me continuing doing things like taking the kids to see her grandparents or texting with her dad about the basketball game. She was going to visit her family a couple weekends ago and she invited me to come along (we used to go see them almost every weekend, but we haven't gone together since separating). I did and I had a great time playing games with them and the kids, and cooking dinner for everybody. W was clearly not having a good time. She laid on the couch sleeping/pouting. She said the next day she was depressed and didn't like faking that we are okay. Her parents know we are separated and considering D (they also know W is the one that wants this), so it's not like we were hiding anything or acting like we were together. I've decided I will not be around her family with her present even if she invites me to come along. What does everybody think about me still interacting with them at all?
Some background. Her grandparents are both very near the ends of their lives (major health problems), and W is avoiding her grandma so she doesn't take the kids to see them. The reason W is avoiding her is because they are very close, she thinks I am the greatest thing since sliced bread, and W doesn't want to disappoint her (she doesn't know about our problems). They love seeing their great grandkids, and I want my kids to have some memories of them before they are gone.
W has always been very close with her dad, but they have grown distant the last couple years. He views me as the son he never had (he has said this before, and he is not the type to share any feelings). Since he found out about our separation he hasn't said anything about it, but it has clearly upset him. He has been very friendly with me and we laugh and have a great time together, but he avoids W and doesn't talk to her much.
I don't want to use these people to try to influence my wife, but I can see it coming off that way. I see them as people that I am close to and will always have a relationship with because of my kids. Our families know each other. They live in the same small town away from us, and when I visit my parents I drive right past her parents and grandparents houses. It's natural to stop and let them see the kids for a while before making it out to my destination. My core values tell me to stop. So how would you suggest handling this?
Married: 9, Together: 16 Me:33, W:34, D:6, S:3 BD: 1/1/18 EA confirmed: 2/7/18 I moved out 6/1/18
My core values tell me to stop. So how would you suggest handling this?
why do you think you should stop? what is the reason? i wouldn't stop... just go about living your life... if it includes people from your W's side, just keep going until it becomes an issue... if she asks you to refrain, then respect that... if they begin to get in the middle, then pull away... but as of now, it seems like things are okay... and you kids ought to spend some time with their great grandparents... my parents are in their 90s, and they just adore all of their grand and great grandchildren...
i think it's wonderful that you are connecting with your own siblings... i am the youngest of seven... there is a 20-year difference between me and my oldest sister, and an 8-year difference between me and the second youngest, and all seven of us are very close... i love the relationships we all have with one another... we are the only people in the history of the world who can say we are the children of this Celestino and Priscilla Last Name... we have that in common with one another, and no one else can make that claim, and for us, we are honored...
My core values tell me to stop. So how would you suggest handling this?
why do you think you should stop? --artista
To be clear I meant stop at their house, not stop going there. I agree that I should go about living my life, and they are included, I just wanted to see what others think. Thanks for the input.
Seven siblings? I've got two older sisters, it was like having three moms. I couldn't imagine six older brothers and sisters.
Married: 9, Together: 16 Me:33, W:34, D:6, S:3 BD: 1/1/18 EA confirmed: 2/7/18 I moved out 6/1/18
I've decided I will not be around her family with her present even if she invites me to come along. What does everybody think about me still interacting with them at all?
Take the kids to see their great-grandmother, and their other grandparents. I don't encourage LBH's to attend family gatherings when the WW will be there. It is her family, after all, and although they love you......it may cause some discomfort or awkwardness for her parents if both of you are there at the same time. I see this as you respecting them, to see them when she's not there. Those are just my thoughts about it, and speaking from experience of being the in-laws/grandparents in a similar situation.
Just understand that it won't score you any points with your WW. In fact, she'll likely resent it. But as long as you do not have ulterior motives.......which is kind of hard not to have when you visiting her parents.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Not much to update. It was just the kids and me Saturday night, so I got S3's hair cut, then we had dinner and watched a movie. Sunday I bought myself some new clothes, took myself out to lunch, got a haircut, took the kids to the park, and had a great day. W and I have been friendly. More like friendly roommates than actual friends.
W came home later than usual last night, and seemed really tired. S3 has been going to sleep with her in the middle of the night a lot recently. I used to be there to take him back to bed when he would try this, and she'd never know he was awake. Now she has to deal with him as I'm not there. I'm a very light sleeper, so I'd always wake up and deal with any issues with the kids and she usually wouldn't even know about them. Anyways, I told her what I made myself and the kids for dinner and she got herself some out of the fridge. I went to the kitchen to grab some water for S3 and noticed she was hunched over a bit and just seemed drained. I was behind her and rubbed her shoulders for a few seconds, and she didn't pull away in horror like she has every other time I've tried to touch her since BD. I don't know why I did it. I have been avoiding doing things like that recently, and plan to continue avoiding any physical contact. After this she was very upbeat in conversation and playing with the kids. She even insisted on helping me plan a lesson for one of my classes later this week (it's in her area of expertise, not mine). I don't initiate anything beyond talking about the kids or typical small talk between roommates.
Emotionally I was in a bad place Friday and Saturday, but didn't let her see that. I was just sad, especially after the movie Saturday. I turned that into anger that night and channeled it into a workout. Then Sunday I felt a lot better and I've been pretty even since. I feel like I've got a good attitude about life, and I'm learning how to channel my emotions better. I'm not saying I've successfully detached by any stretch of the imagination, but I feel like I'm making some strides. I'm starting to wonder why I would want to be with a woman that doesn't have the same values that I do anymore. I'm nowhere close to saying I don't want my M, but I definitely will need to see some positive work on her part if we are going to reconcile.
Married: 9, Together: 16 Me:33, W:34, D:6, S:3 BD: 1/1/18 EA confirmed: 2/7/18 I moved out 6/1/18
I turned that into anger that night and channeled it into a workout. Then Sunday I felt a lot better and I've been pretty even since.
I had to read this twice, b/c I thought you left out a word.......and I was going to tell you I needed to try those excerises if they make you pretty. Then, (duh) I read it again.
It's good to hear from you.
In-house separation is horrible, so continue to be your own best friend.
People who have been successful in surviving the wear & tear of a M in crisis, swear that GAL is a key ingredient. Glad you got you some new clothes.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
The above is an example of my changing attitude. When I was younger and originally attracted my wife I was a very confident, borderline cocky, person. I was 16, highly intelligent, and a star athlete, so of course I was. As I've aged (I'd say matured, but whatever), I've lost that cocky edge. Raising kids can do that to you. And grad school in my discipline can definitely humble you. I also noticed that I've developed some NGS. I've read a couple books on that and I'm putting an end to that. I don't want to be arrogant, but I do feel I need to get back that edge to get back to being me.
This isn't a change I want to make just for my wife, but it did just remind me of an interesting dynamic in all this. The OM does not have a confident edge to him at all. He's more like an even softer version of the nice guy version of me. Months ago when I first brought up my issues with their friendship she said something along the lines of "he wouldn't know what to do with me even if he could have me." W also pushed me to intimidate him whenever we were around each other, and she would make fun of him for being afraid of me. She both told me this and I read it in their texts months later. It's like she enjoyed emasculating OM at the time, and she would laugh about it at home. And now she's attracted to him? Just weird. I'm really not sure what to make of all that, but I do find it an interesting dynamic.
Looking back I know that it's part of her personality. She's a strong woman that has tried similar things with me, but I would respond by challenging her and showing her strength. Nothing close to violence or abuse, just playful stuff. This always attracted her in our good days and we would laugh, and good times would ensue. OM goes along with it and lets her dominate him and that's now attractive? Was she wanting to see me as a dominant male again? Or is she tired of having a dominant male challenge her authority and she wants a pushover to dominate? Who really knows? The best part of this analysis is I'm not really having an emotional response. I'm just curious.
Back to my original reason for posting. Yes, in-house separation is not fun. We are trying to minimize the effect on the kids while W "figures out what she wants." Emotionally it can be hell, but I'm learning to deal. I'm not sure if having the opportunity to show her the changes I am making is a good thing or a bad thing. It might be better to separate and have her learn just how good she had it with me. And seeing me only periodically might help her miss me. On the other hand she might start seeing that being with us isn't as bad as she has made it out to be in her head. I've taken as much pressure off her as I can while living together, but she puts a lot of pressure on herself. She lives a lot in her own head. I just don't know. I refuse to leave our home, and I don't think she would ever agree to leave either.
Married: 9, Together: 16 Me:33, W:34, D:6, S:3 BD: 1/1/18 EA confirmed: 2/7/18 I moved out 6/1/18
It's been a few days, so it's time for an update: it's still pretty much the same. W had IC last night, and I took the kids out to dinner. W is normally pretty tired on Fridays as they are very busy days. She is normally emotionally exhausted after IC, plus she hasn't been sleeping much with S3 going to sleep with her in the middle of the night the last 3 nights. I was expecting her to be exhausted when she got home, but she said she was feeling pretty good. Nothing beyond that. She makes a big show of telling the kids goodnight and goodbye and she loves them, and then purposely ignores me. Usually I'll tell her have a nice day or have a good night or something like that, with no expectation of it being returned. Unsure if I should continue that or just give her the silent treatment like she is giving me.
Thinking back I'm pretty sure she was temp-checking me last weekend, and I failed. She hasn't done any temp-checking throughout this sitch, so I was unprepared. We used to enjoy watching tv shows, reading books, etc. together and discussing what happened and trying to figure out what's going to happen next. All of this has stopped except for one show, but we hadn't watched in a few weeks. When the kids go take their naps or go to bed she immediately goes to her room. She never watches tv in the living room, but this time she put the next episode on in the living room while I was working out. She knew full well that I would come in from the garage and see her watching without me. She knew this would bother me as it's the last thing that we did together that doesn't involve our children. She looked at me when I came in, and immediately asked if I would like her to stop watching. I told her that I really would have liked to watch together so I don't fall behind, but if she wanted to watch she should go right ahead. I went back to my workout, and she decided to go back to her room and watch the show there. I should have left it at that. Feeling like I was losing the one thing we had left, I went back to her room and told her I'd actually like to watch together and I'd appreciate it if she'd give me 15 minutes or so to finish what I was doing and we could watch together. This led to her turning off the tv, getting angry, and initiating a fight about why she didn't understand why I'm always trying to start a fight. I didn't want to fight, so I told her you do what you want, and I walked away. She never went back to watch the show, she watched something else and made sure to let me know it by thanking me for prompting her to watch another show she had fallen behind on. Since then I've watched the episodes we had missed by myself and have told her they're really good and she should watch them. Long story short, she obviously temp-checked and I took the bait. I think I should have said you should watch whatever you want, and returned to the garage to finish my workout with a smile on my face.
In the future I'll be more prepared for this kind of thing. I've read a lot about temp-checking, but I hadn't experienced any of it yet as far as I know. I know I handled it poorly, but I just have to move on and do better in the future. I've continued to GAL, and I'm trying to make some friends at my new job. I've got a couple outings planned with these people next week. I'm looking forward to taking my kids to an amusement park in a few weeks. We're going with my parents, my sisters, and all my nieces and nephews so it should be a good time. I'm loving getting into my workouts. It's perfect. Watching my body transform week to week is a slow process just like dealing with my marriage, but at least I can see results and know that I control what is happening with my body. I still hate cardio, but I've got the best motivation I can have.
Married: 9, Together: 16 Me:33, W:34, D:6, S:3 BD: 1/1/18 EA confirmed: 2/7/18 I moved out 6/1/18
