Hello, I’m new here and thought I’d share my story. I am 32 and W is 34. We have been together for 16 years, married for 9. We are each others only serious relationship ever, and only sexual partners as well. We have never separated or discussed being apart before this. We have two children, D6 and S3. We have have been separated since the beginning of 2018, but still live in the same house. We are living in separate bedrooms, but share a bathroom. After work, we spend the day together with our children like we normally do, but when they go to bed we go our separate ways. Financially we can afford living separately, but we are trying to keep things as normal as possible for our kids for now.
I’m sure this is going to be tl;dr, but I’ll try my best. A lot has happened in three months.
Some highlights of the relationship: 6 years long distance relationship during college (undergrad & her grad school), we saw each other a couple times a month.
Married 1 year after she moved home.
We are both teachers, and worked together for 6 years in classrooms right next to each other. We work very well together, and this was a lot of fun for both of us. This stopped because we wanted to save more money for our kids college funds, so I went back to grad school for 2 years and took care of our S3. After graduating I got a job making double the money I made previously.
Our relationship slowed down after D6 was born. We joked that going to the school plays were our date night for the semester. When we did go out we had a great time. She rarely initiated sex, but we were intimate about once every two weeks. We still could be silly and laugh and have a good time and we’ve always been best friends, but the intimacy was leaving us. Whenever I brought it up in conversation she would have some reason. She was tired, or stressed, or worried about money, or finding a babysitter, or some other excuse and I believed her. We always had a great time at work or when we went out, she just seemed very tired and stressed at home. I really stepped it up at home and did all of the cooking, cleaning, shopping, etc. I thought if she’s so stressed and tired, I’ll do as much as I can to relieve that stress. She seemed to appreciate it, but she just threw herself more into work (she is a workaholic just like her dad).
I really started to notice a big change since the school year started in August. She was distant at home, but whenever I would go to her work she would be playful and smile and give me a big kiss and hold onto my arm like we were teenagers again. It was exhilarating because it was everything I wanted, but also was quite confusing because it was only at her work. She had become good friends with a coworker (he started there after I left, bug I’ve met him a number of times), and you can guess where this is going. I felt uncomfortable with their relationship, and this along with her lack of affection towards me, this led to a big argument in late December.
We had a very rough January. She wouldn’t talk to me or look at me. My wife said she was contemplating divorce. She gave the classic “I love you, but I’m not in love with you” speech, and said she fell out of love with me six years ago after our daughter was born because I pressured her for sex instead of being understanding after she gave birth. We had sex 4 months after she gave birth, and I don’t think I pressured her much beyond talking about it to see how she was feeling towards the idea. I brought it up about once a week after the 12 week mark, but I don’t ever remember trying to coerce her in any way. I feel like she has rewritten our history. Things weren’t perfect, but they weren’t nearly as bad as she is saying. She is also contradicting herself a lot. She even tried to say she was never in love with me before realizing how ridiculous that sounded.
She has said I am a great father and a good person, but she just doesn’t have those feelings for me anymore and hasn’t for a long time. She said she has been faking our relationship for the past six years, and she dreaded coming home every day because I was constantly pressuring for sex. She viewed my taking care of the cooking, cleaning, etc. as me trying to make her feel guilty so she would give me sex because she owed me. Again, I feel like this is rewriting history. She always appreciated my work around the house until she started talking to OM at her work. Until September, she always said that eating dinner together as a family was such an important part of her life growing up, and she loved that I cooked every night and provided a good meal on the table for our family.
She agreed to go to marriage counseling with a therapist recommended by a friend of ours. We met with the therapist once together, and then once each separately. The day before I went to my individual session I found proof of her EA. I confronted them both, separately. She said she had only just realized she had feelings for him a few days earlier, and nothing happened beyond holding hands and having dinner together. The texts and emails I read went back for months and they do corroborate her story. As far as I know, they have not had contact beyond running into each other in the hallways since (I have people at their work keeping watch for me). The night after I confronted my wife, she said she wanted a divorce. I said okay and we talked calmly about some of the logistics of divorcing. The next morning she said she had changed her mind and wasn’t sure. Then after work she came home as a completely different person. She was saying she was all in on staying in the marriage and she was bubbly and smiling, and it was all very forced. It was a very scary thing, and I don’t really know how to describe it, but I feared for her life. W is a very thin woman, and when she’s stressed or anxious she stops eating. She would sit on my lap and smile at me while shaking uncontrollably. For two days I couldn’t get her to snap out of it, so I threatened to call somebody to get her help (I’m not sure what I meant, but like I said I feared for her safety). I tried to be silly with her, and she said she had “killed silly because she had given it to him.” At this point I told her I had to leave, and if her silly side was gone forever then I didn’t want to be with her anymore. A few hours later I came home to find her huddled in bed with our kids because she was afraid I was going to take them. She had at least snapped out of her funk (I have no other words to describe it). She was down to a very dangerous weight and her clothes were hanging off her, and she later admitted that she was probably trying to slowly kill herself. She has suffered from bouts of depression in the past, but never like that and never suicidal in any way.
After this crazy incident she went to her individual therapy session, and the therapist said marriage counseling would be a bad idea at this point as she was in no way ready for that. She has been continuing individual therapy since, and she is trying to figure out who she is and what she wants/needs to make herself happy. She says she needs to focus on herself right now as she is not ready to be in a relationship with anybody. I agree with her and I have been focusing on myself as well. I have started working out again, going out with friends, and generally taking care of myself. I am continuing to be the best possible father I can be. W has stepped up around the house and is doing more with the kids as well. She’s never done much with the kids, and says she regrets that.
I desperately want to keep my family together. I love my wife with all my heart, and I don’t want to be a part-time father. I have forgiven her for the EA, but I will be dealing with that pain for awhile. I’ve been acting as if things are normal. Currently, W is unable to be herself around me, it is painfully obvious. There is no intimacy of any kind. She can handle being around me for a while, but gets weird after a couple hours. She says she feels like she’s leading me on.
I want what is best for my wife, and about a week ago we agreed that divorce would be in her best interest. The next day she was her old self again, and she texted me throughout the day and talked to me like the days before we were married. This continued for a few days, and she was even starting to show a bit of affection. I told her that I feel like I gave up on the M too soon and didn’t try hard enough. She said that I did everything that I could, but maybe she gave up too soon. We took the kids out to dinner the next night, and it went fantastic. The next day she pulled away from me again. She said she didn’t want to talk to me about it, but she was dealing with some stuff and wanted to talk to her therapist about it. She had her session last night, and she is clearly still processing and figuring out what she wants.
I’ve finished reading DR, and I’ve decided to detach. I’ve already been GAL, doing things with friends and going out and being the best version of me that I can be. Not for her, but for me. The detaching thing is going to be hard. Our kids are young, and I want to keep things as normal as possible for them. They don’t really know anything is going on other than us sleeping apart. I'm in this for the long haul, and understand this is a marathon. I know I will struggle with this because I want to protect my kids first and foremost, and I'll want to expedite the process when it is not the prudent thing to do. I guess I’ll journal a bit here to help me keep track of my progress. Sorry for the length of the post, and I appreciate any comments.
Married: 9, Together: 16 Me:33, W:34, D:6, S:3 BD: 1/1/18 EA confirmed: 2/7/18 I moved out 6/1/18
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Update for tonight. W came home from work as the kids and I were eating dinner. She got herself some food and joined us, and we had a good conversation. After dinner she cleaned the dishes and went outside with the kids while I stayed in. They came in, the kids were bathed and put to bed. We talked about plans for Easter while brushing our teeth. I'm taking the kids to my parents and she's going to hers. I asked if she wanted me to bring the kids by her parents later in the day and she didn't know. She seemed bothered by something, and didn't want to think about it right then. It's hard to believe she doesn't want her family to see the kids on Easter, but I'm not really sure about anything she does these days. Now we're in our separate rooms relaxing.
Tomorrow I plan to take the kids to my best friends house to meet his new baby. We'll see how I sleep tonight. I haven't had more than 5 hours in 3 months (probably averaging 4), but I'm starting to get better.
Married: 9, Together: 16 Me:33, W:34, D:6, S:3 BD: 1/1/18 EA confirmed: 2/7/18 I moved out 6/1/18
Other than our ages, your story sounds eerily similar to mine. Except that my wife had an online only EA. Still her waffling back and forth on the MR, staying or going, is just what my wife did.
Please read Cadet's links. I think you have the wrong idea of detachment. Many do. Read up on it as much as you can. Also look up "differentiation in marriage" on Google. Lots of good info about being a self-pleased individual rather than relying on anyone else for your happiness. That is really what detachment is.
The other piece of advice I will give is to have her do all of the work with the D. Don't hinder it, be helpful, but don't do any of the legwork. I heard this describe liked this. "If your divorcing spouse calls you and asks you to produce a document from the safe, answer: 'I am really busy, so I can't do that for you. But feel free to stop by anytime and get it.'" This keep the onus of the legwork for the D on them. Many WASs want the LBS to do most of the D work. As if the proclamation should set you into motion.
Pay special attention to Sandi's rules. Those are golden! What you seem to be dealing with here is a Wayward Wife. Sandi is very clear on the distinction between regular WAWs, and WWs.
One last piece of advice: Likely the EA in your case has become a PA, even if it isn't full blown (sleeping together). You need to come to grips with the fact that at a minimum the EA is still going, and at worst it is a full blown PA. None of that should change your behavior towards your W. Read the links Cadet sent. If you are looking some of the SMEs around here will take an interest in your sitch. Sandi and the rest are invaluable sources of information.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Thank you for the advice Steve. I've been following your sitch and see the similarities as well. Looking into differentiation in marriage us helping me get a better grasp on detachment, thanks for that. I don't plan on doing any of the legwork for divorce.
I know the EA is continuing at least on her side. A week or so after I confronted them she said angrily, "He won't talk to me anymore. I was finally happy!" Her distress over this was very real. She may be talking to him after the kids go to bed, but at least she isn't doing it in front of the kids and me anymore. She doesn't go out after work at all, and never has. The only chance it has to get physical is on campus, and if there is one thing she feels strong enough about to override the EA it's her work. She loves that school and her job. I think one big reason she wants to be friendly with me is that she's afraid I will burst her little bubble at school and tell everybody there. It's a Catholic school, and this would not be viewed positively and she is very image conscious there. I have no intention of doing this by the way.
I've read Sandi's rules (and plan to read them daily), and I'm trying to live by them. Thanks again for the comments.
Married: 9, Together: 16 Me:33, W:34, D:6, S:3 BD: 1/1/18 EA confirmed: 2/7/18 I moved out 6/1/18
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
Hi MRay, welcome to the forums! Sounds like this is more about your W than anything else (as it is in so many cases around here). The best thing you can do is pull back and give her time and space to sort things out. At least she's going to counseling, that's good! Do not expect a quick turnaround, she's on a long journey. Recon is a good possibility, but you're looking at many long months or even a year or more down the road. It takes a lot of patience.
Quote:
I’ve been acting as if things are normal. Currently, W is unable to be herself around me, it is painfully obvious. There is no intimacy of any kind. She can handle being around me for a while, but gets weird after a couple hours. She says she feels like she’s leading me on.
Yup, very common. If she isn't yet, expect her to soon start clinging to the edge of the bed like you've got some nasty disease she doesn't want. She may even hover over the edge like magic, just to get a few more inches away from you. It's tough giving a WAS space when you're under the same roof but you have to. Try and get out of the house more. Encourage her to do the same. You've got to spend as little time together as possible. Interact with her as little as possible. Don't be cold or mean or anything, just give her space.
Hi, I wanted to give you a copy of a shorter version of DB detaching. I hope you'll read it. Newcomers often struggle with detaching, b/c they really don't take the time to read what it means.
I join Steve by encouraging you to read the links Cadet gave you.
Healthy Detachment...(Posted by DBer Peanut originally)
I. Detachment
Detachment is critical to the process of altering and repairing a relationship.
Attached, we take personally ALL that is said, not said, done and not done.
When our ego gets wounded, we are more inclined to do/say things that undermine our goals.
When we are Detached from the actions of another, we can meet anger or indifference with love.
Met with love, we are in a position to diffuse the situation, and transform it in a way that will be in alignment with our goals.
On the flipside, detachment allows us to play it cool when we do get a positive reaction from our spouse. It is a way to break the distance/pursuer cycle.
Detachment is not withdrawal. It is not indifference. It is not the mind saying, ‘I am not getting what I want so I must pull back.’
It is the natural acceptance that we alone are responsible for how we act. We cannot control another person, but we can control how we respond to them.
We are responsible for our own actions (no one else is).
We are responsible for our own happiness. (No one else is)
PART II Detachment (found around here)
Detachment is the:
* Ability to allow S the freedom to be him/herself.
* Holding back from the need to rescue, save or fix S from being sick, dysfunctional or irrational.
* Giving S "the space" to be him/herself.
* Disengaging from an over-enmeshed or dependent relationship with S.
* Accepting that I cannot change or control S and it was never my "duty/job" to do so.
* Establishing of emotional boundaries between me and S, so that both of us might be able to develop our own sense of autonomy and independence.
* Process by which I am free to feel my own feelings when I see S falter and fail and not to feel responsible for his/her failure, faltering or learning.
* Ability to maintain an emotional bond of love, concern and caring, without the negative results of rescuing, enabling, fixing, demanind or controlling.
* Placing of all things in life into a healthy, rational perspective. (=Balance is a piece of detachment).
* Ability to exercise emotional self-protection and prevention so as not to hang on beyond a reasonable and rational point.
* Ability to let people I love and care for accept personal responsibility for their own actions and to not bail them out when their actions lead to failure or trouble for them.
* Ability to allow S to be who he/she "really is" rather than who I "want him/her to be."
IF & WHEN THESE ^^^ FACTORS ARE ADDRESSED, -
We could have a great friendship, or a great marriage. And those are treasures.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
AS, the edge of the bed thing is sooooo true. My wife and I used to play fight about who the middle of the bed belonged to. At some point prior to bomb day she had moved so far to the edge of the bed that it was like she wasn't even in the bed!!
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
AS, the edge of the bed thing is sooooo true. My wife and I used to play fight about who the middle of the bed belonged to. At some point prior to bomb day she had moved so far to the edge of the bed that it was like she wasn't even in the bed!!
Mine too, I was in awe of her levitation skills!! It's funny now but at the time it really hurt. So strange to see the person that loved you and cuddled with you and couldn't get enough of you suddenly repulsed by you.
