IMHO, this is the "do or die" time. She really needs to feel the sting of her actions. She didn't have many consequences or experience any loss the last time. This time, she has to believe she has scr@wed up, and you are done. Stop being afraid you are going to lose her.
Leave her alone for a couple of days......at least. I know you don't want to burn your bridges, but she has to seriously believe she has burned hers! If you go home tonight, she will see it as you wilting, and she'll try to talk her way out of this mess again. She'll promise you the moon.
Seriously, don't go home tonight. Don't answer her calls/texts......unless she indicates an emergency with S18 (and she just might claim she can't handle him). Let her deal with him, and you go get a room and just stay away so that you can think (don't tell her you have to think......don't tell her a word).
I think she'll try hard to get you to go home and talk, and if you won't talk or text with her........she may put S18 up to contacting you, so beware. I hope she will call the IC for an emergency phone session for herself, instead of wanting the MC to calm you down and talk to you. See what I'm saying?
Nothing says you can't call the IC from your hotel room, and see what she recommends. It won't hurt just to touch base with her, and it might help you emotionally.
I hope Artista will give advice, since she made some false starts with her H. I feel she may be more helpful than me. But I am here, and will hang around all weekend.......if you need to talk. We will be anxious to hear any updates as soon as you can post.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
More updates (sorry, my phone died, and I have no charger, no car, etc.)
Anyhoo, after she left, I went back to bar. Ate and closed my tab. MC contacted me and said W had reached out to her and I said basically "fine, she's your patient just like I am, so if she wants to see you for treatment that's great. But for now, I am done. And you can indicate as much to her. Don't know how I would ever trust her."
Also, somewhere in that same time frame, and I am uncertain if it was before or after she contacted the marriage counselor, but wife fairly quickly interfaced with BFF.( I checked the cell phone log online) that's a relationship that is going to lead her no we're good, but she's just going to have to figure that out on her own.
Subsequently, she sent me a series of text saying she really wanted to talk and could she come buy me a drink. I did not respond. As I was walking down the street away from the pub, she drove up next to me, and honked, and then pulled into the driveway in front of me and rolled down the passenger side window. I approached, held up my hand palm out, didn't give her a chance to talk, and just said "with all the disrespect you have shown me, show me dome respect now by going away and giving me my space". ..and then I turned and walked away. That was 330. Haven't seen or heard from her since. Walked to target and bought a phone charger and power pack.
I can stay at hotel tonight but I have no clean clothes or toiletries, and tomorrow I will need my meds (there are a couple that I cant just stop cold turkey.) What's the best way to handle going back for that stuff?
Last edited by Cadet; 03/24/1809:49 PM.
H53/W51, R-ing 4/'18
"Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires"-Sg.of Sg 2:7
"So oftentimes it happens,that we live our lives in chains, & we never even know we have the key"-Eagles III 1:3
Walk in your house, grab your meds and leave. No more talking, only action. Pay for the hotel room before you go home. That way you have no reason to stay. Don't return until Sunday night.
M:37 W:37 T:11 M:10 S17, S13, S10, S4 BD:06/28/17 OM confirmed 07/20/17 Recon the M 10/29/17 Working hard:2gether
Onward and forward
This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.
I did something similar... I reached out to our pastor... I was a deacon and my H was an elder... Our pastor knew some of our issues. He told me I needed to leave H alone for now... That he wanted space and I needed to let him have it... And he said if I hoped for any chance at saving my M I had to absolutely not contact OM...
Well, she's still texting me about every 15 minutes or so. Said she wants to talk. That she wrote me a letter if I didn't want to talk. That she talk to the counselor, and that the counselor basically told me the exact same thing that artistas Pastor told her: give me my space, behave yourself.
H53/W51, R-ing 4/'18
"Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires"-Sg.of Sg 2:7
"So oftentimes it happens,that we live our lives in chains, & we never even know we have the key"-Eagles III 1:3
Took a nice long walk on what is a beautiful, sunny, but brisk day here in Virginia. Going to see a movie now, and I'll go home and get my stuff later. I'm good. God Is Bigger than any problem that I have
H53/W51, R-ing 4/'18
"Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires"-Sg.of Sg 2:7
"So oftentimes it happens,that we live our lives in chains, & we never even know we have the key"-Eagles III 1:3
I agree with Joejoe... Get your things and leave. No words. Do not tell her where you are staying.
If she begins to pull back, let her. She is going to be all over the place. One minute she will think she is free, the next she will realize the break up of her beautiful family, and how she is responsible. She will think of you and know that you did not deserve this. Let her spin... Now I am going to tell you what I tell every LBS on there threads. You now must be about yourself... You must take care of you. You have to take care of business and that business is you...
P.s. good job in telling MC that W needs to take care of her mess without you. Now is not the time for MC... W was lying to you and MC...
Took a nice long walk on what is a beautiful, sunny, but brisk day here in Virginia. Going to see a movie now, and I'll go home and get my stuff later. I'm good. God Is Bigger than any problem that I have
Good... This is what Elizabeth Elliott (Christian missionary) calls doing the next thing. When in a crisis sometimes we just need to do the next thing, whether it's making a bowl of cereal or changing a diaper or watching a movie...
Wow, you guys are good. She tried to get to me through the kid. Sent me text saying he was worried about me and could I please text her back so she could tell him. Instead I texted some directly told him I was okay that Mom said he was worried, but I was fine. That he can call me if he wanted to.
Well, she's still texting me about every 15 minutes or so. Said she wants to talk. That she wrote me a letter if I didn't want to talk. That she talk to the counselor, and that the counselor basically told me the exact same thing that artistas Pastor told her: give me my space, behave yourself.
It reminds me of when she was asking you about the app for an IC session........after she spent three hours with Doc and the wine group. Not that she was going to really have the session.......but to score a brownie point.
So far, you are doing great. Don't let her wear you down.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
