Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 2 of 9 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9
Joined: Nov 2014
Posts: 574
L
LouR Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
L
Joined: Nov 2014
Posts: 574
Hi everyone,

Its been a while since I last updated, not much has happened really, but thought I would journal to keep you in the loop of my world.

So 4 weeks 4 days until I finish work, its really dragging now. I was fortunate enough to be a part of the selection and interviews for my replacement, it was really good to experience the process from the other side of the desk, hopefully it will help me be a better interviewee going forward to my next job, whatever that is. I am really looking forward to my trip, I have everything ready for it now and just want to get going.

4 weeks ago I was out walking in the local reserve, a walk I have been doing a lot as training for a longer mountain walk on my adventure. I was jogging up some steps and must of somehow taken one wrong, next thing I heard and felt was a tearing sound in my calf, made me feel instant nausea and a burning in my leg. Unfortunately it was at the half way point so it took me an hour to hobble back home in intense pain. Following day I went to a physio and she diagnosed me with a tear to the calf muscle, not the best timing so near to my road trip huh. I have had 4 weeks to physio so far, last week the swelling had gone down enough for her to find the actual tear site, she said she can put her thumbs right in ( yup felt that excruciating pain) so the tear is deep. Exercises and massage of the healing scar tissue is helping a lot and I can now drive my car again (its a manual) and walk down stairs, but I cant walk very far before it starts throbbing. She is confident I will be able to short 1 -2 hr walks for my trip but my big 9hr volcano hike is off the table ...... for now ..... oh ok, I better listen to my physio ha ha ha

Most of my house is packed up, I just have the kitchen to go now. S21 has booked the truck and ferry for March 8th, s23 will meet s21 on the way up to mine and they will do the rest of the journey together. This weekend s21 and h and moving s23 into his new house, which is where I will be basing myself until I decide on a location or job, whichever comes first.

True to form I haven't heard anything from h since mid January, its S23 birthday next week, so I wonder if he will acknowledge it like he did with s21, or whether it was just because it was S 21st. It is so similar to last time, sometimes a couple of days in between and sometimes months go by, he does stick to conversation about the boys only, which is what we agreed on; looking back, last time i helped him move in to more friendly conversation by being chatty and asking questions that he replied to, but this time I don't chat and I don't ask questions, because I have learnt that most of the time I won't get the answers I want to hear and I'm not really that interested in what he is doing ..or who ........ oh how I have grown ha ha ha

Its census time here in NZ, we have to fill out the form online this year, I have pre done mine as I am the only one living at my address. One of the questions was relationship status, it gave several choices, I ticked the " permanently separated from my legal married spouse/ civil union partner" , as i did it it crossed my mind that h would be filling his one in too in the next few days, i wonder if it will jog his memory that he has yet to file for d, or if he will just tick the separated box with no more thought to the question. If it does jog him to act then I hope he gets it done before I leave so at least I can have my adventure trip to process.

Emotions and feelings wise, lately been a bit all over the place. My job has been challenging the past few weeks, lots of rude and confrontational customers, staff members passing them over to me as they don't like dealing with them (oh and like I do??) it wears you down emotionally and mentally, I am very ready to leave now, so much so I am looking at what else I can do for a job that gets me away from customer service.

Then there is H, I really don't know why he still enters my everyday thoughts after all this time but he does, a lot of dreams with him in them lately, so I wake up with the image in my head which sticks for the day, not helpful as I don't have any control over what I dream about! I think the Doting Dad thing he is doing with the boys right now is not helping; don't get me wrong, I am happy for the boys that they have a present dad again, but a part of me that hopes he falls down and fails again as he doesn't deserve them after how he has treated them .... and yes, me ...does this make me a terrible person?

So that's all from me, just counting down the days until I pack my car and head down my driveway for the last time, I am partly excited and partly nervous, I ask myself " what ARE you doing?" many times, my answer always the same - changing direction, seeing where this roads leads to. I know I am doing the right thing, I cant stay as I am, sadness has crept in to every void in my body, he broke my heart, I need to find a way of mending my weary crushed soul ......ROAD TRIP yeeeehhaaaaa


Love n Hugs to you all xoxo

Joined: Nov 2014
Posts: 574
L
LouR Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
L
Joined: Nov 2014
Posts: 574
Hi Everyone, its been a few weeks since I posted and am now on the countdown to leaving on my latest adventure so thought I would bring you up to date.

My sons came to collect all my possessions, they are now all safely stored in s24 garage waiting for me to decide where they will be moved to next. I am now camping in my house, I'm making the most of an decent toilet and hot shower before its luke warm showers and long drop compost toilets ha ha

My last day of work is this Thursday, I have felt a bit lost over the past week as I step back allowing the new team I have been training to take the reins, but I am really looking forward to starting my adventure and seeing where the road takes me.

My boss has organised farewell drinks for me at a local pub/restaurant on Tuesday after work, I feel very humbled that despite me only having worked their for a short time that he feels I warrant such attention.

I will be catching up with friends over Easter and then doing last minute cleaning and packing before handing my house back on the 4th April.

Life is pretty quiet at the moment, nothing exciting to report, I am just getting things ready for my trip, finding ways to cut down space as the my car is not huge and I have a lot to get in to it. I had my car serviced last week ready for its journey and I have full breakdown cover just in case.

S24 let me know the plans for his wedding in August, he has booked a house for myself, his fiance mother and brother, then another house for h and s21 and his g/friend. The ceremony is in the afternoon and then we are all going to a country hotel for drinks and something to eat. That evening we are all going star gazing at an observatory and then back to the house I am staying in for dinner which they have organised a chef to come and prepare for us. There will be 8 of us altogether. I thought it was just the ceremony and then I would be able to leave, spending as little time as possible with h as we wont have seen each other in nearly 2 years and its going to be very awkward, I can already feel the anxiety building and its still 5 months away! .....I keep telling myself; perhaps he wont go ...

Nothing from H since mid January, I have dropped off his radar again. I admit I am sad, its been nice hearing from him again and reading his emails, he always writes so well and to my sense of humor, I was even enjoying the odd compliment. I do still miss him terribly and he (irritatingly) still enters my thoughts every day, but I accept that this is what he wants and I have to get on with my own life without him in it now.

So 4 more work days and I am free to do and go where I please until my bank balance tells me otherwise lol. I don't really have a plan, its kinda of the whole point of this adventure, I am booked in to stay with s21 early May so fingers crossed that the weather is on my side and the autumn chills hold off a little longer (although the boys have told me bring thermals as there is already snow on the ranges!!)

I will check in before I leave and hopefully update you all along the way, I am really excited about it .... and a little nervous at going in to the unknown ... but mainly excited.

Love and hugs to you all xoxo

Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
Likes: 112
job Offline
Member
Offline
Member
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
Likes: 112
Lou,

You've accomplished so much in a short span of time to get ready for your next adventure. I can't wait to read about it. You will figure out where you want to plant yourself when you are finished with this adventure. Take your time in making your decision.

As for the wedding, your son has thought of everything. Don't allow the anxiety to get to you...August is a ways away and things can and will change. Your h may not attend, but if he does...just be your beautiful self and socialize with everyone. Nothing says you have to spend all of your time around him. You can speak/nod your head and go off talking w/others if you wish.

Wishing you all of the best and hope that you will keep in touch. Please be careful and try to stay safe.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 4,227
Likes: 63
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 4,227
Likes: 63
Lou! You sound great. Nervous but great.

I can't wait to hear about your further adventures. Keep your eyes open both for ambergris and the beauty that is all around us all.

(((LouR)))


On BD
H52, W50
T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good.
But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 1,447
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 1,447
Hi Lou! Wow, what an adventure you have ahead of you! That is really exciting, I hope you will be able to take us along and keep us updated. You have travelled a long hard road, I truly hope the one ahead is smooth, fun and full of great times.

The wedding, ya, I get your nervousness. Be yourself and don't let him take away from the wonderful day it will be.

Great to hear your update and see you here.
Good luck with everything and I look forward to your update.
Xxoo
M


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
Joined: Nov 2014
Posts: 574
L
LouR Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
L
Joined: Nov 2014
Posts: 574
Hi Everyone, I have been on the road for a week now, with everything that has happened it feels much longer than that!

Leaving work was easier than I thought it would be; it had become my family and a place to bury myself in work to distract me from my personal life. I only left 2 weeks ago and it already feels like I was never there; this proves that leaving was the right decision for me. I still keep in touch with a few people there, they are keen to follow my trip and know what I get up to next.

I moved out of my house last Wednesday so have been on the road for a week now, and what a week it has been! The first night I camped at a marine reserve, the site was right on the beach and I was the only one there. Unfortunately the wind got up in the afternoon and I could not find shelter for my gas cooker, so I gave up and had a bottle of water and a bar of chocolate for dinner lol. In the middle of the night the wind was so bad that it pulled my guy ropes out of the ground and bent my tent over me ...thankfully being a pop up tent it bounced back, which I actually found amusing after the intial shock was over. So at 2am I was outside in gale force winds trying to bash my guy rope pegs back in to the ground. In the morning the warden came to see me and said " a bit blowy last night huh" - ya think? I can chuckle about it now.

Day 2 I went to a reserve by a river, there was no one there when I arrived so I had pick of where to pitch my tent, I chose right by the river. Made myself a cup of tea and some dinner and watched the sun go down over the canyon walls, it was idyllic. Went for an evening stroll and then settled in for the night. Two very valuable lessons were learnt that night - tip 1: dont camp right by a sheltered river, moisture and no wind = a swimming pool on the top of your tent. tip 2: don't leave the awning up as that too becomes a swimming pool on top and when you need to get up in the middle of the night(due to listening to running water ...tip 3) and forget the awning is there, bump it with your head, you get wet, very very wet !!

Thankfully I was on my way to a g/friends house next so I bundled my stuff back in to my car and headed for hers. It was a sunny and windy day so I managed to get my tent dry and all my laundry done. Thank goodness for wonderful friends huh. I spent a couple of days with her and then headed off towards a beach with a lighthouse I had always wanted to see at sunrise. The weather had started to turn at this point, but I pitched my tent and went for a walk on the beach. The walk was amazing, incredible rock formations that you could climb up and see the waves crashing upon them on the other side. I then walked up to the lighthouse but by this time the skies were grey and dark and the rain was getting harder, so i headed back to camp. Well the storm hit and the tent shook and the rain found every and any vent hole to seep through, it was a really crazy night - next lesson - if its forecast rain rent a cabin for the night - unfortunately I was due in Wellington to catch the ferry to the South Island so I had to pack up my tent and all my stuff in torrential rain and wind. By this time my enthusiasm for camping had waned so I booked myself in to a holiday park cabin, washed and dried everything I owned and had a hot shower and early night, the storm still raging outside.

Next morning I get a text from the ferry - delayed possibly cancelled due to high seas ahhhhhhhh. So I went to the museum, had some lunch, had a quick walk in the bitter wind and rain and headed off to the ferry. Another text - delayed ahhhhhhhh. Finally 6pm I boarded, it was the first time I have been the driver going on to a ferry so I was feeling a bit nervous about the whole thing but I really need not have worried myself as it was very easy. the crossing was ok, a bit bumpy and rolling like a fairground ride, but considering the sea conditions I thought it was ok, got in to port at 10pm and I headed for a holiday park that I booked before I got on the ferry.That was yesterday.

So here I am on the South Island. A cold but sunny day smile the park manager allowed me to pitch my tent up on the camp grounds to dry it out, it hasn't completely dried but it is good enough to use again. I went for a walk and looked around the marina (hoping to meet someone who would offer me a crew job hehe), then headed off in to the town to get some grocery supplies.

Tomorrow I meet up with another g/friend, I haven't decided if I am going to camp or cabin as I was informed that another storm is due early next week bringing more rain and snow. At this point i have to consider if I want to continue with my trip, can I afford to cabin my way around as that is a really expensive option for me. The alternative is to go to s21 for a few days and then head down to s23 where I am going to base myself until I have decided what I am going to do next.

Emotionally I have had my ups and downs, not so much about the camping issues; I seem to deal with everything as it comes up, no drama, just find solutions and go with it. However travelling around I see lots of couples doing the same thing and I have found that really hard. I had hoped that this time out would have cleared my head, instead I find myself missing h more, thinking about him everyday, I'm finding myself checking my emails in the hope I find one from him, or wondering if he will drop by when I go and visit s21. My head is telling me one thing and my heart is saying the total opposite, I really have no clue how to stop these feelings and put my tattered r to rest. Right now I feel more lost than ever and deep sadness that I no longer have the companionship, friendship and love from the man I married.

Don't get me wrong, my head knows that its not going to happen, he has made it clear that he is happy without me, I haven't heard from him in 3 months, he knows I am out camping, he knows I would have been in the recent storm, and yet he has not the desire to check I'm ok. It makes me wonder why he bothered making contact again, why when I asked if he wants continued contact he said yes, why disrupt the silence and then change his mind, its not as if there had been any conversation other than children and general chit chat. Sigh, i feel like I have the movie on constant loop again. I feel totally ridiculous, so much time passed and back to feeling this way again.

Anyway, I have to decide which road (literally) to take tomorrow, East or West ...... will let you know.

I hope everyone is faring well, love and hugs to you all, thanks for reading, listening, being here for me, I really appreciate it, my one safe place I know that I wont be judged for still feeling the way I do.

xoxo

Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 4,227
Likes: 63
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 4,227
Likes: 63
<3 <3 <3


On BD
H52, W50
T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good.
But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 6,119
Likes: 408
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 6,119
Likes: 408
darling these feelings are coming up for a reason. let them come up, feel them and release them to the sea, the wind and the sky.

Lou, you're on a walkabout. This is your rite of passage. You're going to face all the demons so you can acknowledge them and let them go. It's a deeper layer of healing. Lean in. Trust. It's the next step. You're ok - better than ok! You're amazing. That calm, steady person who is taking care of things without fuss and drama? That's you! That's the real you, uncovered by all the pain of your sitch. Know that this is just the next part to let go of ... is it h you're missing or the dream of the partnership - what it once was, and what you thought it would be? The dream is the last and hardest thing to let go of.

I'm proud of you for following your personal dream and dealing with all the crazy weather and camping stuff with such grace.

xoxoxoxo


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand,
That this too, was a gift."
~ Mary Oliver
Joined: Apr 2017
Posts: 303
Likes: 7
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Apr 2017
Posts: 303
Likes: 7
Lou, your trip sounds amazing! A true walkabout. I think the feelings you are having seem appropriate and you need to let them out. A soul cleansing and release.

Based on what you said your S said about your H, I imagine that he is having some moments of clarity and having to work through it. I could see him not contacting you if he is having to wrestle his own demons at a snails pace. Try not to give that too much mind space. You have an awesome trip in front of you and you deserve to enjoy it to the max.

Hugs...


Me: 45 yrs
W: 43 yrs
Together: 20 yrs
Married: 15 yrs
Son: 19 yrs
Daughter: 18 yrs
BD: Jan 2017
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
Likes: 112
job Offline
Member
Offline
Member
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
Likes: 112
Lou,

I am so happy that you posted to let us know you are okay. Your trip has been an adventure thus far and I'm sure it will get better in the days ahead. The weather has been very unsettled in the States as well.

Travel safely and stay in touch!


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Page 2 of 9 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard