My wife and I (we are both women-please, if you have nothing nice to say then quietly move on) met in December of 2010. We fell in love quickly, as most people tend to do in the height of a new relationship. We moved in together in March 2012 when we bought a home. We were married in September of 2013. Over the last few years the stress of debt and finances weighed on her heavily. She would be bring her concerns to me, but I never really listened. I started nursing school in Fall 2015. I took out student loans. I was a CNA (nurse aide) at the time, which is a very hard job. While I was in school I didn't work a lot. It was hard to work and go through nursing school, that was my excuse. In early 2016 I had an affair with one of my classmates. The affair ended, we didn't speak over the summer. When school started back in the Fall again we eventually became friends again. We never returned to having a physical affair. If I am honest, I continued with an emotional one. My guilt and shame over what had happened and what was happening allowed me to push my wife away. I did not deserve her and she did not deserve what I was doing. A few weeks ago, my wife sent me texts asking how we could get our spark back, what happened to us, etc. She was on her way home from a conference. I was home sick with Strep. When she got home I did not say "Hey, let's have a conversation". One of issues was that I stopped initiating physical intimacy. Instead of communicating I decided to start taking small steps to change my behavior. Then one night while watching tv together she was on her phone. I glanced over, not in an attempt to be nosey, but I assumed she was texting our daughter. She turned her phone away from me. Something she has never done and was completely out of character for her. Naturally, I was upset and I became quiet. We went to bed and she asked me what was wrong. I told her, and that is when I found out that she had been having an affair for the last couple of weeks. She promised to end it. I started therapy (she has seen a therapist for the last 7 yrs). I came home and confessed my own affair. She had only suspected until then. Then she tells me she has still been seeing the other woman (side note: they work together). She said she was unable to stop. Doesn't know if we are compatible enough, share enough of the same interests, doesn't think I get her. Doesn't know if she wants to stay together. So, I picked up Michele's book at the recommendation of my therapist and started reading. I'm trying to follow it. I have given her the space that she has asked for. She moved into the guest room to sleep. I don't know how I am supposed to work on this alone if she is still seeing the OW. I fear that her therapist is more encouraging toward divorce than reconciliation. I can say with 100% certainty that I am absolutely in love with my wife. I may have gotten a little lost for a bit, but something clicked when she got home from that conference and I felt this renewed sense of love and desire that I hadn't felt in a long time. Now I don't know if it's too late. The finance being one of her complaints, I asked to sit down together and go over the budget she made. Tonight we are having dinner (we have a gc that was xmas gift). Dinner was her idea. I am trying to see this as a good sign and not dwell on the thought that she wants to have dinner just to say she wants a divorce. She told me yesterday that she appreciated the space, that it is helping her and she is trying to get clarity. She appreciates the work I am doing with my new therapist, and she is looking forward to dinner. I know this all sounds good, but my fears are so strong they threaten to override anything else. Whew...that was long. If you stuck it out, thanks. Any words of wisdom and/or comfort are greatly appreciated.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Hey sorry to hear about your situation. Make sure to read all the attachments from cadet. If you haven’t got the DR book please get it soon. Keep all this info to yourself and DO NOT let your significant other find out what your up to. These are your tools to save the marriage. Which I could offer more help but I myself and newly in this situation myself. Keep posting! More experienced users will weigh in soon enough
M:26 WAW:26 T:11 M:7 D:3 BD 1 10/16 I love you but not in love BD 2 2/18 I love you but... W moves out 3/18
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
I don't know how to do this. She is so checked out. She thinks I don't have the capacity to get her. She thinks we are too different. She doesn't want to wait while I work on me (which is also working on us). She says she has never felt more connected to someone than the person she is having an affair with. My heart is breaking. I know I need to get out and have fun, but it's so hard. And ignoring her is what got us in this mess. I'm just having a really hard time with all of this. I don't know if we can ever come back from it.
And she finally threw out the D word today. To which I replied that I was not ready to quit. Then I left the house.
Sorry I lost these two posts above - please stick to one thread until 100 posts
Under the same roof and barely speak to each other. How am I supposed to repair anything like this? She didn't come home until after 8:00 this evening. I'm fairly certain she was with the OW. I went to dinner with a friend. I am trying to keep a positive attitude and still live life each day, but truth is I am barely hanging on.
(we are both women-please, if you have nothing nice to say then quietly move on)
We are quite used to people in same-sex marriages posting here, we welcome everyone. The DB'ing rules when dealing with a WAS apply the same whether it's a same-sex or opposite-sex couple.
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In early 2016 I had an affair with one of my classmates. The affair ended, we didn't speak over the summer. When school started back in the Fall again we eventually became friends again. We never returned to having a physical affair. If I am honest, I continued with an emotional one.
And does that EA continue to this day?
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A few weeks ago, my wife sent me texts asking how we could get our spark back, what happened to us, etc. She was on her way home from a conference. I was home sick with Strep. When she got home I did not say "Hey, let's have a conversation".
I'm just trying to understand the dynamic here, so you did not reply to her texts in text or in person? You basically ignored it? Has this been typical in the R, very little communication?
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I came home and confessed my own affair. She had only suspected until then. Then she tells me she has still been seeing the other woman (side note: they work together). She said she was unable to stop.
Both of you are engaging in affairs at the same time, that's pretty unusual. It sure seems to point to something being missing in the M! Neither of you are meeting the other's needs.
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Doesn't know if we are compatible enough, share enough of the same interests, doesn't think I get her. Doesn't know if she wants to stay together. So, I picked up Michele's book at the recommendation of my therapist and started reading. I'm trying to follow it.
Which book, "Divorce Remedy"? That should be the first one you read as the forums dovetail with the book, then "Healing From Infidelity: The Divorce Busting Guide to Rebuilding Your Marriage After an Affair" (also by Michele) would be a good one, and also "The 5 Love Languages".
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I have given her the space that she has asked for. She moved into the guest room to sleep. I don't know how I am supposed to work on this alone if she is still seeing the OW. I fear that her therapist is more encouraging toward divorce than reconciliation.
You work on "this" by working on "you". There was a reason y'all were attracted to each other to begin with, you have to find your way back to being THAT person that she was originally attracted to. Become "the spouse only a fool would leave". She'll view your changes as tricks to get her back at first, so the key is consistent change over a long period of time. Please prepare yourself for a long journey, these situations take a lot of time to resolve, many months or even years.
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Tonight we are having dinner (we have a gc that was xmas gift). Dinner was her idea. I am trying to see this as a good sign and not dwell on the thought that she wants to have dinner just to say she wants a divorce. She told me yesterday that she appreciated the space, that it is helping her and she is trying to get clarity. She appreciates the work I am doing with my new therapist, and she is looking forward to dinner. I know this all sounds good, but my fears are so strong they threaten to override anything else.
DO NOT bring up any relationship talk at the dinner!!! A key part of DB'ing is to REMOVE all pressure. That means no pushing her into R talks, no trying to be intimate with her, no passive/aggressiveness. Just go and plan on enjoying a nice dinner. If she brings up R talk then just LISTEN and VALIDATE. Nothing more. Don't agree/ disagree/ argue/ plead/ reason/ negotiate. Read up on validation in the threads Cadet posted above.
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Any words of wisdom and/or comfort are greatly appreciated.
Patience is key! Your chances of recon are actually quite good, but it takes a lot of hard work and patience. Good luck!
The texts she sent I responded to until she had to put her phone away as the plane was leaving. In person communication is not something I am good at doing. I am working on this. Practicing having a voice and being vulnerable, putting my feelings out there.
I am currently reading DR and The 5 Love Languages.
I did not bring up our relationship over dinner. Dinner was awkward, we didn't speak much at all. I wasn't about to have a deep conversation that would leave both of crying in the middle of a restaurant. We talked a little when we got home. And then went to bed.
So, today she texted me and said that she had ended the affair. She knows she has said this before but she said this time it feels different, it is different. She says everything else remains the same. That's ok. I will continue to give her time and space. I will continue to work on myself.
