Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Gordie, bttrfly: sorry somehow I missed your questions/posts and the thread got pushed out with other ones, many apologies didn't mean to ignore.
Not much has changed, I am doing fine, going back and forth between my two homes. Wife came and stayed with me for 10 days, she seemed a bit less centered but still doing much better than a few months ago. She was a bit more "self absorbed." We had a few talks over many nights, most initiated by her or something that happened (I didn't push). Some were a little frustrating, but most were very clarifying. We both got to say some things, I did spend a lot of time listening and validating her, but felt she was centered enough to tell her more about how this year has been for me. It was difficult for her but she didn't make excuses or push it off and I kept re-itterating none of it was meant to make her feel bad, that I am an adult and responsible for my choices and the consequences of deciding not to walk away (she did get that it applies to her too).
I also did tell her that I am starting to approach the end of my tolerance in limbo. Not right now, not today but this was not an indefinite situation. This, to my surprise, definitely brought out a reaction and she pointed out that I had said I would wait/continue on with my life and give her time to decide. She was grateful for that and although surprised acknowledged that it was a finite process.
Most interesting part (which probably will not fit what most people here believe) is that after one year of separation I have started casually dating someone (my wife kept insisting I "shouldn't be alone, I should see people, I deserve to be loved" etc). This wasn't the reason, I just decided I was ready for a casual relationship. It has been very much fun and energizing and the person I am seeing is fully briefed to the situation and she isn't looking for anything serious at the moment either.
When through some question this came up I did mention this to her and her response was essentially "wow I am so happy for you" following by "I feel sick to my stomach." Considering her constant statements about how I should see others, how she doesn't feel "love" for me it was interesting to see how she is split in two and both parts are fully operating in her. But that seemed to definitely cause a small recognition that I have moved on, that I am not there as "plan B." I am not expecting anything to change, just observing.
So what's next? She left on very friendly terms, plans to see my by end of this month and return home for a little while. This will be the longest we would have been together for over a year. And I am right now in a perfectly calm place, my life is still moving on and the only thing in limbo is a decision on whether to part ways or wait and see. My plan still is to wait until my wife finishes her way through her MLC, and when she is out of crises she and I can evaluate whether or not to rebuild our marriage. If I have to guess she still has at least a year or longer before she sorts everything out for herself. I believe we are very compatible people, and we have shared an amazing 23 years of growth and would definitely want to rebuild and continue. But jury is still out obviously.
When I first started reading your post, I was so angry at your ex. Because you were so loving and kind to her even though she had gaslighted you and betrayed you. You remained patient and detached.. truly the type of person no one would ever want to leave. Very hard to do! And she read to me as a really selfish, narcissist.
But then I read about your new casual relationship and I started to smile. This is great. It makes it easier to detach. The new person is aware and not looking for anything serious. And your ex is getting a dose of what she can lose. You did not date to throw it in her face or intentionally make her jealous and that is why this is just great. You can also explore whether you really want to return to your old relationship.
A couple of years ago there was an online relationship guru. That gave this advice..."Remain kind, agree with everything, see someone else". I dont remember his name, only that he was this elderly straight talker that was married to a woman 20 years younger but his pdf was free. You are following his exact advice.
I think it is wonderful that you have managed to detach, and GAL yet still DB. I think your casual relationship will give your ex much to think about. And I am glad that it is providing you with a distraction. My guess, is you are going to become a lot more attractive to her now. Other women want you, therefore you are more valuable. (i dont agree with this outlook but I know there are many women out there that think like that)
Hope you continue to post. I am gonna go back and reread this thread. You are doing incredible!!
No major update, I’ve been continuing on, we have not seen each other for past few weeks. She is supposedly returning from her ski trip in a week or so, but I plan to pretty much just treat her like a room mate. I am not thinking anything will really charge for a long while.
But I am happily at a point where I am living my life, mostly non reactive and just open to what may happen. But I know there is still a long road for her if she recovers so staying in marathon mode.
You are a very detached and patient man. Hope her return was as smooth as possible.
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Thanks, the big day is Sunday night, no idea how long she plans to stay home, the vague idea is around a month. This is the most we would have spent together in one year. I am working very hard not to allow myself to fall into any old pattern, to not look at her in any way through the lens of our past, and to maintain the "marathon" state of mind.
I know the drill, but its a bit of daily reminders, being mindful and catching myself from falling in. I haven't decided yet how I will respond if she acts like things are "normal," whether I will rebuff or play along. This is not a strategic issue, it is more about what feels right for where I am right now. Honestly right now I could not see myself opening up to her in any meaningful way.
I may send up flair for help or request 2x4's, hope you all are warming up your swinging arms!
An update: so she has been back for a few days now, obviously way too early to say anything. As I've said I am treating her as a room mate and am staying completely detached.
So far she seems a lot more careful and caring and seems to somewhat fragile around the idea of me seeing someone else. One night where she was asking who I had dinner with and realized it was not a common friend she quickly dropped to topic and got very quiet. She is being much more attentive is a normal relational way (its not all about her), she is completely attached emotionally and present, and is owning her own feeling and emotions. She gets depressed and when she was talking about it starting back at the house and I said (without any hidden meaning) "well then why not leave and go somewhere else" she quickly said that no, she realizes it wasn't the place, that it was her and she has to work through it. In fact she has been owning and saying that it is her for the past couple of months. This morning she even came into my room talking and for a few minutes lay down on the bed (not close) but this would have been shocking a few months back.
Also interestingly she has brought up going to therapy on her own a couple of times, and has a few times now said things like age and being old doesn't matter and she can do whatever she wants at this age as at any other time (a big shift in her view of aging from a year ago).
We talk quite a bit, I never bring up anything about relationship or plans, but they are not shallow nor are they the one sided monologues of how she was in replay stage. But I also know she is nowhere near done, as I've said before I think she has at least another year to go through this on her own, at her own pace, and with no outside influence (specially mine).
So no expectations, staying detached, continuing on as if she is just a roommate (and not changing anything about what I am doing compared to when she was not around). If I had to guess I am thinking in a few weeks she will need to retreat to middle of nowhere, which is honestly not a bad thing for her (and its perfectly fine for me).
My biggest challenge right now (and so far so good) is to not falling into seeing her in the context of the "old marriage" but retain the new person clearly in sight and keep distance.
