Just another update, today is a week since she moved out. Have seen her a total of 5 times for exchange of daughter. No communication amongst us during exchange except for one day where i brushed D's hair like a certain Disney princess. W asked D who brushed it, then proceeded to tell me "Good Job" when she told her it was me. The only text i receive from her is to tell me what time she will be coming for daughter and then a phone call when she is outside.
I was reading up on "validation". Should i try and spark conversations with W and ask about her day, or should i keep in this NC per say and see where this goes? It's only been a week so maybe I'm trying to change strategy too soon, patience is not a strong suit for me unfortunately.
Also, in the past i have always been more of the "Dead Sea" in terms of conversations, would it be a good 180 to be the one to initiate contact in our interactions with the baby exchange or just hold off on this.
So much to read and so many different situations that its difficult to decide what route to go...
M:26 WAW:26 T:11 M:7 D:3 BD 1 10/16 I love you but not in love BD 2 2/18 I love you but... W moves out 3/18
Today was a hectic day to say the least. Got a call from W saying the baby had stomach pain and if i could pick her up from the sitter. Picked her up and went to urgent care, during the wait i decided to give her some pain meds. She was feeling better so we decided to just leave the doc office. On the way home D completely puked all over herself and my truck, no biggie as she felt so happy and relieved afterwards. Something must have upset her stomach. She is well now.
Onto the W. When she called me to tell me what was going on she was unsure of what it could be, even said through her online search that i could be from anxiety and that the baby may be stressed from all the recent changes. Her tone definitely sounded down/depressed/saddened. Or so it seemed to me. Who knows, maybe I'm just reading to much into her feelings.
She called a few times just to see how she was doing and that has been it.
Tonight I've got some tickets for a show that I'm going to with a buddy. Should be a great distraction from all the latest turnmoil.
Anybody care to give some insight on my sitch.
M:26 WAW:26 T:11 M:7 D:3 BD 1 10/16 I love you but not in love BD 2 2/18 I love you but... W moves out 3/18
Also, within this time just reflecting on myself and talking to friends about how their relationships are, I don't feel as if I'm solely to blame for the downfall. We had regular outings for dinner, i would catch up for lunch with her at work when my schedule allowed, we vacationed 2x a year. She would also go visit her relatives out of country without me which was fine as I didn't care to go. Never did i give her a hard time on going. I did my share and then some of the house work. I cooked all our meals and was the one to clean up 4/5 times. Financially i made more and i took care of paying the bills and making sure everything was on point, i even took care of paying her cards so the payment would not be missed.
Was i doing too much of these things and not enough of what exactly? From reading the 5 Love languages after BD i came to realize that she is a 'quality time' type, i could see where i failed in this but not entirely.
Just venting my stuff out there for you guys to get more insight of what our MR was like.
M:26 WAW:26 T:11 M:7 D:3 BD 1 10/16 I love you but not in love BD 2 2/18 I love you but... W moves out 3/18
Newly...just caught up on your sitch, seems very familiar to what i am going through. I'm sorry you're going through these things...the advice ive been getting from this site has been getting me through this dark time.
I basically have NC with my W and it's killing me, hang in there!
Also, within this time just reflecting on myself and talking to friends about how their relationships are, I don't feel as if I'm solely to blame for the downfall. We had regular outings for dinner, i would catch up for lunch with her at work when my schedule allowed, we vacationed 2x a year. She would also go visit her relatives out of country without me which was fine as I didn't care to go. Never did i give her a hard time on going. I did my share and then some of the house work. I cooked all our meals and was the one to clean up 4/5 times. Financially i made more and i took care of paying the bills and making sure everything was on point, i even took care of paying her cards so the payment would not be missed.
It's funny how men and women view these things so differently. Look at what you wrote above. You do not once mention what most women value most- emotional support. Were you ever THERE for her, emotionally available, emotionally supportive? Or when she came to you with problems did you shut down, or go into Mr. Fixit mode? So you had lunch and dinner with her, "let her" go on trips by herself, did some house work. So what, that is the BARE MINIMUM (not to mention all "beta" stuff that is good to have in the M, but not what attracts a woman to a man). You don't deserve an award for that! I'm not trying to beat you up, the exact same could be said for most of us here. But you've got to wake up to the fact that you did NOT give her what she wanted most, and that is why you are here. Don't try to justify it by saying "oh but I did X, Y and Z" because that doesn't matter. What matters is you didn't do A, B and C.
Could you please reference the friendly neighbor approach so I can read up on it. So far I have just brought my baby out and put her and her things in the car, have not told the wife hello or anything. Should I be greeting her and asking her about her day?
Detaching is NOT about being cold and indifferent. You should be warm, polite and friendly but not prying, personal, needy, anxious. You treat her like you would treat a neighbor. Show her what she's missing. No one misses the cold shoulder, ever.
Also, within this time just reflecting on myself and talking to friends about how their relationships are, I don't feel as if I'm solely to blame for the downfall. We had regular outings for dinner, i would catch up for lunch with her at work when my schedule allowed, we vacationed 2x a year. She would also go visit her relatives out of country without me which was fine as I didn't care to go. Never did i give her a hard time on going. I did my share and then some of the house work. I cooked all our meals and was the one to clean up 4/5 times. Financially i made more and i took care of paying the bills and making sure everything was on point, i even took care of paying her cards so the payment would not be missed.
It's funny how men and women view these things so differently. Look at what you wrote above. You do not once mention what most women value most- emotional support. Were you ever THERE for her, emotionally available, emotionally supportive? Or when she came to you with problems did you shut down, or go into Mr. Fixit mode? So you had lunch and dinner with her, "let her" go on trips by herself, did some house work. So what, that is the BARE MINIMUM (not to mention all "beta" stuff that is good to have in the M, but not what attracts a woman to a man). You don't deserve an award for that! I'm not trying to beat you up, the exact same could be said for most of us here. But you've got to wake up to the fact that you did NOT give her what she wanted most, and that is why you are here. Don't try to justify it by saying "oh but I did X, Y and Z" because that doesn't matter. What matters is you didn't do A, B and C.
AnotherStander, I appreciate your response. Definitely don't take it as a beat up in any way. I know where i failed to be there for my wife on the emotionally level. In essence i had no idea about these type of feelings that a woman craves. After reading DR and the 5LL I definitely have gotten a better grasp of it.
My dilemma is, I'm at a point where my wife will not even say a word to me in our basic interactions with D exchange. How long before she will break this barrier and maybe start talking to me, or should i try and start conversation with her. She does text me in regards to our D and i reply straight to the point and don't try to make additional convo myself.
I did in no way try to justify myself with all that i brought to the table, only brought it out to clearly state my sitch. I know of relationships that have more hardship such as alcoholism,drug abuse, physical abuse and the likes of anything along those lines.
M:26 WAW:26 T:11 M:7 D:3 BD 1 10/16 I love you but not in love BD 2 2/18 I love you but... W moves out 3/18
I know where i failed to be there for my wife on the emotionally level. In essence i had no idea about these type of feelings that a woman craves. After reading DR and the 5LL I definitely have gotten a better grasp of it.
Good, and yes we've all been there! We go through quite the learning experience after BD!
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My dilemma is, I'm at a point where my wife will not even say a word to me in our basic interactions with D exchange. How long before she will break this barrier and maybe start talking to me, or should i try and start conversation with her. She does text me in regards to our D and i reply straight to the point and don't try to make additional convo myself.
Sounds like you are doing fine. A lot of WAS's get very "cold" after BD. My ex was that way as well. I just continued to be cordial to her, followed the "friendly neighbor" tip from here on the forums. At one point she actually told me she did it because she thought it would make it easier for me to accept that she was leaving, but she felt guilty because she was being rude and I was still being nice. So she said she was going to quit doing it, and she did, she was nice after that. So yeah, you just be you and let your W be cold and indifferent if that's what she chooses. It may change sooner or later.
My sitch is still very fresh and i know patience is key but i was reading up on Retrouvaille and how couples would go even if one was unwilling, this seemed to have helped many in heading to reconciliation. Is this something i could/should bring up as a final attempt? Should i hold off and wait some time to see where this goes? What if she drops D-bomb, how should i react to that??? Thanks guys n gals
M:26 WAW:26 T:11 M:7 D:3 BD 1 10/16 I love you but not in love BD 2 2/18 I love you but... W moves out 3/18
My sitch is still very fresh and i know patience is key but i was reading up on Retrouvaille and how couples would go even if one was unwilling, this seemed to have helped many in heading to reconciliation. Is this something i could/should bring up as a final attempt? Should i hold off and wait some time to see where this goes? What if she drops D-bomb, how should i react to that??? Thanks guys n gals
She has to be willing to go. They will call both spouses and ask them a few questions. Neither can be dating anyone else and both have to indicate interest in working on the M. After BD my ex surprised me by telling me she thought we should try Retro. We did end up going, and it is a really fantastic program that I can't recommend enough to people that are piecing. But when a spouse is two feet out the door it's not going to turn them around. There was one coach couple in our group that even said they had gone too soon the first time, it was a WAH and his W basically forced him to go and it did no good. Later when he hit rock bottom and decided he was willing to work on things they went again and that was the turning point for their M. But the bottom line, both spouses have to be committed to working on it.
