Trying to do the right thing...

[DnJ]

MarvinF is right on the money ^^^^. Very good advice up there.

Something that really helped me - Knowing you are not alone. There are many caring and compassionate people here that truly understand what you are going through. Post, vent, and share - often - it really helps.

I found the sleeplessness made the stress and anxiety so much worse. Do try to get a proper amount of sleep, it makes a world of difference.

OC, I know this is difficult. Please know this does get better, you will be better.

Good luck on the job hunt.

[OC_Hope]

Thank you guys – I'm hanging in there and trying to keep my chin up. Sleep has definitely not been my problem since taking hydroxyzine & 10mg of extended release melatonin. Now I'm probably sleeping too much! LOL - or just catching up on sleep, who knows, but it feels good.

It's been over a week now since I went dark on W. She noticed within 48 hours, but now she's doing the same back, so I have to stay on track and not stalk her or do anything else that makes me miss her.

Have some job interviews lined up this week, so that'll keep my mind occupied and I'm hopeful I can land something soon and get back on track financially.

[Gordie]

How is the job hunt?

How are the kids?

[OC_Hope]

Thanks for asking Gordie...

Kids are all doing really well at school, I'm super proud of them. My D seems to be in great spirits, as she did better than expected on her tests and got a new job scooping ice cream! (For the new reader, my D lives at her grandmother's house out west to finish High School). Last night she asked me if it would okay if she could drive her car out and stay with us for the summer after she graduates high school. Of course, I'm thrilled she asked, but I couldn't show her I was too excited Today D is at the hospital for W's breast cancer surgery to remove the tumor. She said her mom was really nervous all day yesterday.

My youngest S misses W, and every day he asks about her. Yesterday he told me he was mad at mom for taking her wedding ring off. Said he wants her to be here with "Sissy," so we can be a family again. His mom keeps saying she's going to see him soon, and the other night asked him to put a bookmark in his book at bedtime so she could read him the rest when she comes here. That's not helping his abandonment issues at all!

My teenage S, well he's cleaned his room up without asking and has kept it that way for several weeks now. He also did his laundry and gave me boxes to put in the attic of things he doesn't need. And last week there was a dance at school. He's usually anti-people as he's a bit on the spectrum for Asperger's, but that day he came home, took a shower, dressed up nice and went! Even came home when he said he would... I'm so proud of him.

As for the work situation...

Have a number of interviews this week and next, some are quite promising and will allow me to work remotely. The one I really want is for a very large company and will take a while to pan out. It'd be the most lucrative, but I'm not going to sit around waiting.

Likely what I'll do is to offer to work on a contract basis for 60 days at two companies part-time, see which one feels like the best fit. One is based out of Europe, the other on the west coast, so time zones would allow me to make that a reality.

We shall see.

[OC_Hope]

Yesterday W had her breast cancer surgery - the tumor was removed and the biopsy from her lymph nodes came up negative, so she's in the clear. Thank God

My FIL checked up on me last night to see how the kids and I were doing. He hasn't seen them for a long time. I gave him the scoop and told him that I had stopped talking to his daughter. He encouraged me to keep doing that, to work on myself and become whole in heart.

Then he explained how much better his new marriage has become for him, and while he regretted jumping into it too soon after his divorce from W's mother, he's discovered a love that he never knew before. [her mom had an MLC about twenty years ago, but stayed pretty much in perpetual teenager mode ever since]

I was a bit confused as he's always been positive about reconciliation for our marriage, so I asked him if he was encouraging me to give up on his daughter. He said yes. That as far as he could tell, his daughter has chosen to go down the same path her mother did all those years ago.

That's taken me for a bit of a loop honestly.

So I'm a bit confused what to do now - I still love her and want to remain committed to believing we can get through this MLC and be happy on the other side.

The timing of me choosing to essentially go dark on my W three weeks ago is probably not great. You see, after many months of her confessing her love for us and saying all the right things about reconciling and getting help, nothing really changed. Her actions did not match her words and I was getting considerably frustrated to the point of calling her out on several occasions, and more than likely frightened her off a bit. It's just that I had just had enough of the runaround and was emotionally spinning.

So then yesterday comes... She started giving me text updates about the status of her surgery. I was friendly and made some jokes, got her to laugh. This has been the first we've interacted with each other about anything then that kids-related stuff since I went dark

She's going to be recovering for a few days and I want to be compassionate about her situation. Like, should I encourage her, or check in to see how she's doing? Do I leave it to her to reach out for whatever?

Add to all of this, as part of the 180, I've been considering blocking her on FB and Instagram, however, this is a delicate situation in her current condition and she may see such an action as an outright rejection of her in this critical time of recovery.

I haven't had great will power about snooping on her new FB friends, etc (I know, I know), so what are my alternatives?

My gut says I should just go dark on all social, delete the apps off my phone and leave it to her to wonder why I'm not posting anything. This would be really weird for me to do as I'm a bit of a documentarian of all our children's activities and all. It would leave her puzzled I'm sure, but if I commit to this, then I know it's going to be tempting to take a peek once in a while.

If I can stay strong for a couple weeks, the plan would be to send her a handwritten letter letting her know I'll be removing her from my social accounts. The letter would likely follow a similar pattern that was laid out by a former MLC'r I read on the boards here:

So, my suggestion would be to stop chasing and checking and reassuring him that the anchor is still holding solid. Quit making the movie more dramatic and exciting. Tell him:

That you want to work on the marriage, that you can forgive him and take him back but starting today your life is about you and not about his movie. You can't be sure where this decision will lead you but you need more than hopes and dreams that things will be the way they were. You are very sad and you feel very sorry for him and hope that he will be OK but you have had enough and you can't let this situation ruin two lives. If he comes to his senses and wants to be with you then you hope that happens before your life takes a new direction and the door closes. You are not going to live in the past and you are prepared to move on without him.

Then live your life as if he may not come back. Believe it, don't play it: he may not come back. If he doesn't then how will that be any worse than what you are living now? On the other hand, if he feels the danger like I did, he may be smacked back into reality. Depending on when that happens and where you are with your life you can make a decision at that time as to what you want to do.

I dunno if this is the best way to handle this, or just remain silent and skip any kind of letter writing...

Anyway... I know I've rambled a bit but any advice would be welcomed at this point.

[Gordie]

Do what works. Seems like going dark has been better for you. So why change what you are doing?

Your FIL’s advice? It’s a data point. Don’t let it spin you. Only you can decide what you want and what is right for you. And if you don’t know. Pause. What’s the rush? Bonus: you can change your mind.

She’s recovering and you want to be nice. Okay. But she fired you as H. Be kind as you would to a distant relative. Kind is always okay.

[OC_Hope]

So no letter. Don't reach out. No more social posts... just go totally radio silent.

Unless she reaches out, then be kind to her as if she were my adopted 5th cousin, twice removed.

got it.

[peacetoday]

Ive just read your last few posts
I honestly don't know how to handle it but wanted to say I think you are doing great-

Interesting how FIL encouraged you to move on-and good to hear he has found a better life and adjusted-

Must be hard for him to relive the whole thing again-

It does seem to be genetic in some ways and my XHs father also had MLC and M a younger woman-although no one really talked about it-and I never met his dad or spoke to him although he was alive for the first 5 years of our M

The answers will come and doing nothing is ok until you know-
Hang in there

[Vapo]

Stop trying to get into her head and trying to guess what she's thinking. You have your own business to take care of, so let her take care of her. No letter, none. Do what is best for your sanity, and trust me, snooping after her is not best for your sanity, heck, it's not even remotely good for your sanity.

If it were me,'I'd un-friend her from the social media. But given the circumstances, I would at least unfollow her so that her notices do not show up on your wall.

[OC_Hope]

So it's been ages since my last update... A heckuva lot has happened.

Long story short, W wants to come back. She booked a flight for July 9th and says, "I'm willing to leave everything behind, I miss my kids so much." She's only seen the boys three time in the last two years and her last visit with them was June of last year.

Anyone have advice on how to re-integrate an ex-wife returning home after three years in MLC?