Have you discussed changing the custody with your lawyer? I think you should get his/her advice before you make any changes. Taking this type of action, in hopes it will change your W's feelings......could backfire. Plus, how do you think it would make the older children feel?
Tell us about how ex W knew your current W back before your first divorce. Was this current W part of the problem in your M to first W? Did you start seeing the second W before you were legally D from the first M?
I honestly don't know if would help to ask your current out to dinner. As I previously said, I think you should avoid anything that suggests romance. Even referring to it as a "date" might be like waving a red cape at a angry bull.
If you have not expressed concerns about PPD to your in-laws by now, I really don't know if they would have much persuasion with her to see a doctor about it. It seems her mother would have said something to your W, if PPD occurred with previous childbirth and if it was noticeable this time around.
I think you are feeling very desperate to "do" something to see faster, more positive results. This type of fearful thinking can cause you to take action that you later regret. She has just recently changed her mind about giving you more days to stay in the house to visit the children. She has agreed to see the older children. She could just as easily change her mind to her previous decision. So, think carefully before you start applying pressure.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Thanks so much for the advice. I am speaking with my non W state lawyer this week. If I can get the right combination of days/weekends, I think my older kids would be sad but maybe not. We only see each other for a 10 day block, but if I split it out to maybe two long weekends, then I have just slightly less time with older but more time with younger and back in W state more. I feel like I am taking a risk, but somehow by showing more commitment to W and our kids, may help. In fact, W’s mom suggested that last year when M starting breaking down and I asked for advice. Regrettably, yes W was part of the problem in first M to first W. How would you suggest visitation to her agreeing to see older kids when we can no longer cohabitate in same house?
IMHO, those are questions you need to ask your lawyer.
Is your current W aware that you are talking to a lawyer about changing the custody of the older kids?
If you divorced your first W to marry the second W.......and then you change the custody agreement to favor the second W and be with her children more than the oldest ones, I think you will create a lot of resentment in your first family. Your oldest may not know the circumstances behind the D to their mother, but it will come out eventually. And, they will not only be hurt by your decision to give up your custody/visitation time......they will resent you and the younger family. I think it is a big gamble to take, especially if your current W has not said it would make a difference in her decision.
IMHO, you should be concerned about how you will visit your younger children in their state. Where will you stay if your W divorces you? At least you have a home in the state of your older children. If the D goes through, I rather doubt your W will be flying to the other state to visit the children of the first W.
You are in a mess and I don't know the best solution, b/c it looks as if one set of children are going to lose more time with their father. I hope the father doesn't lose more time with both sets of children, when all is said and done.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I appreciate your candor in this. I feel so ashamed of myself and knowing little things I could have done to make things better for my W. I feel up and down all in the same day. I wish she would just give us another try, but that’s just selfish on me. We reconciled before but we never worked on the M, so ai can see why she’d give up hope. I feel she has rewritten history, saying we weren’t compatible, when we were so early in our marriage. I feel betrayed.
I have not told W yet about my offer to change custody because I feel it would appear that I am trying to bargain with her. I am trying to detach and so the last thing I want to do is try to convince her.
I don’t know what will happen when I propose changing custody. What i do know is could have the same days, but just break it into two long weekends. I also don’t know how my oldest kids would react or want to spend time with a step-mom who divorced their day.
Intervention tonight: my WAW family all left the house, so I am with the kids alone. They are all meeting I would assume to talk with her about me. A bit awkward, but we’ll some what happens. Told WAW I was looking to change custody order. I am committed to this marriage.
Something changed a little. Now W is open to nesting, when before it was hell no. Says me living in an apartment would be good in a divorce “scenario”, when before it was asking me where I would live when I would be with the kids and I said I’d think about it. The part that confuses me is why she continues to want to cohabitate until September and then not cohabitate, as written in the agreement. If she wants divorce so bad, then why wait to initiate it? I won’t fight it because I love her and want her to be happy. I’ve yet to get a filing. This seems like she is testing the waters and/or trying to provoke me.
