Lost and desperate think she has closed off

[MoveFrwd]

I have tried to stay with TLR but I find myself backing off or not following thru because I worry about making mistakes.

A couple of things.

1) To me, the last resort technique is just that - a LAST....RESORT. It is akin to you falling off the face of her earth. No contact. At all. You cant do that for a day or two at a time. It just doesnt come across as anything but avoidant. From what I can tell, you are still living together, so...I wouldnt think you can really do the LRT at this time. I would just focus on minimizing contact during the day and following Sandi's rules for this time.

2) We all make mistakes. No SINGLE moment or event is going to make or break your chances at reconciling. Just learn from your mistakes so you dont repeat them.

3) The most important thing is consistency. You dont want to be LRT one day and then chatty the next and then distant again and so on. If you cant be consistent with this, then how could she possibly believe that any change you make isnt about just trying to "win her back"?

TIME + CONSISTENT CHANGE

That should be your focus right there.

Like I said before this is her second marriage so she has been on her own before we met.

So? Werent you not married until into your 30s...?

Are you suggesting that I contest the divorce? Is that to give me more time to work on myself and make her see how I have changed?

I dont think you can contest a divorce in a no-fault state. Doesnt mean you need to help move it along. In my opinion, let her control the pace. You just do what you need to do to protect yourself financially.

And stop worrying about DIVORCE as a construct. In reality, shes already got her eyes on someone else anyway. What is there about THIS marriage that is still going? The way I see it, your marriage is already dead. If you recon, it will be a "new" marriage between Along2.0 and Along'sW2.0. Take this opportunity to set your goals for Along2.0. What does he look like? How does he act? What values are important to him? Who are his friends? What are his hobbies? How does he deal with conflict? etc etc etc etc.

were these Recon's after S or D ?

Ill answer for her, but "yes".

Part of my sitch is I have had surgery which precludes me from working out other than cardio and few other exercises. I have been doing what I can in our basement.

GAL doesnt mean working out. Working out is a great way to release energy and to build confidence. But there are plenty of other ways to do both. Find what works for you.

[along]

2) We all make mistakes. No SINGLE moment or event is going to make or break your chances at reconciling. Just learn from your mistakes so you dont repeat them.

I am learning. Sometimes I'm a little slow but I do get it.

I dont think you can contest a divorce in a no-fault state. Doesnt mean you need to help move it along. In my opinion, let her control the pace. You just do what you need to do to protect yourself financially.

She is controling the pace and it is fast met with lawyer Monday, rented apartment to begin in April.

GAL doesnt mean working out. Working out is a great way to release energy and to build confidence. But there are plenty of other ways to do both. Find what works for you.

Working out has been a big part of who I am or was before my job change which made it hard to do. Working out is part of how my W and I met and got together. We shored so much in common.

[sandi2]

Sandi2 you may have said earlier, but how did your H react such that you wanted to make things work?

As I have tried to explain to other LBH's who would ask what my H did.........he was not the one who came to the board, learning how to deal with a WW. I was the one coming and getting the information. You are the one in your sitch who is receiving the mentoring. If staying in my M had depended on my H's actions......instead of mine, I don't know if it would have been saved. But since I was getting the DB mentoring, instead of him, then it was on me.....so to speak. It is rare to see a WW show up on the board, but it does happen.

FWIW, my H wanted to save our M. That's not to say he told me that while I was having an A. He never begged me to stay or pursued me in that way. In the very beginning, before I knew that he knew about the A, he said ILY......to see if I would say it back to him, and I wouldn't. Shortly afterwards, he confronted me about the A.

BTW, the information I share with others is not based on my experience alone. I have learned so much more about WW's than I ever personally experienced myself.

WW's have a commonality........and it's their mindset. That part, I understand. It's not to say I have all the answers. It is easier to tell a H what not to do, and what does not work......rather than what will work in his particular sitch.

[sandi2]

Here is a copy of a shorter version of DB detaching. I hope it will help.

Healthy Detachment...(Posted by DBer Peanut originally)

I. Detachment

Detachment is critical to the process of altering and repairing a relationship.

Attached, we take personally ALL that is said, not said, done and not done.

When our ego gets wounded, we are more inclined to do/say things that undermine our goals.

When we are Detached from the actions of another, we can meet anger or indifference with love.

Met with love, we are in a position to diffuse the situation, and transform it in a way that will be in alignment with our goals.

On the flipside, detachment allows us to play it cool when we do get a positive reaction from our spouse. It is a way to break the distance/pursuer cycle.

Detachment is not withdrawal. It is not indifference. It is not the mind saying, ‘I am not getting what I want so I must pull back.’

It is the natural acceptance that we alone are responsible for how we act. We cannot control another person, but we can control how we respond to them.

We are responsible for our own actions (no one else is).

We are responsible for our own happiness. (No one else is)


PART II Detachment (found around here)

Detachment is the:

* Ability to allow S the freedom to be him/herself.

* Holding back from the need to rescue, save or fix S from being sick, dysfunctional or irrational.

* Giving S "the space" to be him/herself.

* Disengaging from an over-enmeshed or dependent relationship with S.

* Accepting that I cannot change or control S and it was never my "duty/job" to do so.

* Establishing of emotional boundaries between me and S, so that both of us might be able to develop our own sense of autonomy and independence.

* Process by which I am free to feel my own feelings when I see S falter and fail and not to feel responsible for his/her failure, faltering or learning.

* Ability to maintain an emotional bond of love, concern and caring, without the negative results of rescuing, enabling, fixing, demanind or controlling.

* Placing of all things in life into a healthy, rational perspective. (=Balance is a piece of detachment).

* Ability to exercise emotional self-protection and prevention so as not to hang on beyond a reasonable and rational point.

* Ability to let people I love and care for accept personal responsibility for their own actions and to not bail them out when their actions lead to failure or trouble for them.

* Ability to allow S to be who he/she "really is" rather than who I "want him/her to be."

IF & WHEN THESE ^^^ FACTORS ARE ADDRESSED, -

We could have a great friendship, or a great marriage. And those are treasures.

[along]

Sandi2, Thank you so much for this description of what Detaching is. With the D papers coming any day I needed some help. I am beginning to let go and accept that she is going to do what she is going to do. As hard as it is I cannot fix or wake her out of the fog of the A. It is time to think about having my ^^^^ in order so that I can go forward and be better equipped for the future. I still love her and want to reconcile but until and or if she is ready to work at it I have to go on with my life. It is also time to set my boundaries with respect to her.

[sandi2]

Sorry, I missed these questions from yesterday's post.

Sandi2, You say you think I am going along with the divorce in hopes of the A ending and she wants to Recon.

I should have explained in more detail. What I am really seeing is a man with NGS. I see you doing whatever your WW tells you to do, b/c you want to please her, keep her from being angry at you........and maybe she won't leave you. From the way I read your thread, she is steamrolling this D without giving you time to think about what you need to do about the house, horses, etc. I may be wrong, but I got the impression she told you, "This is how it's going to be", and you thought you had to follow her orders. To be clear, I am not suggesting you contest the D. I am trying to caution you about falling back on old nice-guy behavior, thinking it will win back your WW. The LBH can jump through rings of fire to do whatever his WW wants, and it will not win her heart for him. I am telling you to do what is best for you......period, instead of worrying about how it will make her feel toward you. She is divorcing you! It is past time for you to stand up for yourself and take care of YOU.

"The ones I have seen reconcile successfully, are when the H emotionally lets her go, goes no contact, GAL like crazy, stops focusing on her, and builds a life that does not include her."

Sandi2 were these Recon's after S or D ?

Well, I haven't kept a running list, but off the top of my head......yes, there were some who were physically separated, and I had friends IRL who got back together after they D. I don't encourage in-house S, b/c I have not seen any successful results, but I have known several couples IRL to go back together and have a strong MR after living separately for a year or more. There have been couples from the board, too. After nearly 11 years of reading threads, I'm not good at remembering the user names anymore. But I can remember the successful stories........when they stick around long enough to update us. Many have been deleted. After so many years.....I guess the board has to purge, IDK.

Listen, don't make yourself sick about telling her parents the truth. My H told my mother, too. Yes, I was furious! Do you know why the WW gets so mad? B/c her plans are to demonize her H to her parents, so they will think she is justified to leave him. Parents may not agree or like what their wayward child does.....but when all is said and done, they will stick by their own children. So, you did not ruin their relationship. Your W may have caused it problems, but all you did was tell them the truth.

Do not apologize to your WW for telling her parents. This is part of your nice-guy syndrome that wants to take all the blame......hoping it will just fix things so your W won't be angry at you, and stay in the M. In order for her to truly turn around, she has to be honest with herself, with her family, and with her H. Otherwise, she'll continue to deceive those who love her.

I think you are beating up yourself. It is good to look deep inside and evaluate your faults, and set goals to improve yourself. However, it is not good to be the scape goat for a WW. And believe me.....she'll make you one, if you allow it. By that, I mean don't accept that role for yourself. Both spouses are responsible to some degree when a MR fails. However, you are not responsible for her affair.

[along]

[quote]

What I am really seeing is a man with NGS. I see you doing whatever your WW tells you to do, b/c you want to please her, keep her from being angry at you........she is steamrolling this D without giving you time to think about what you need to do about the house, horses, etc. I may be wrong, but I got the impression she told you, "This is how it's going to be"

That is pretty much how it went. When I suggested we needed to get a professional opinion on house value she said that "this is happening!" We got a realtor to evaluate. I told her I need to think about it and would give her an answer the next evening.

I know I struggle with NGS and when I stand up to be a man I get loud and aggressive which is one of my goals that I have to take care of that aggression.

the H emotionally lets her go, goes no contact, GAL like crazy, stops focusing on her, and builds a life that does not include her."

I know it will take a lot of restraint and will power not to contact her. We live in a small town which makes GAL meeting new people a little difficult.

Listen, don't make yourself sick about telling her parents the truth. My H told my mother, too. Yes, I was furious! Do you know why the WW gets so mad? B/c her plans are to demonize her H to her parents, so they will think she is justified to leave him.

I nearly made my self sick after reading Michelle's entry in the fidelity/..../thread. Especially the results of telling parents and family.

I think you are beating up yourself. It is good to look deep inside and evaluate your faults, and set goals to improve yourself. However, it is not good to be the scape goat for a WW. And believe me.....she'll make you one, if you allow it. By that, I mean don't accept that role for yourself. Both spouses are responsible to some degree when a MR fails. However, you are not responsible for her affair.

That is what I do. It stems from being bullied in school which resulted in me having a huge need to be liked. So rejection reinforces my lack of self worth that surfaces when things go bad. I now see that that was part of what happened in our marriage. I went through a reoganization at work and didn't know for nearly a year wether or not I would have a job. This put a strain on our relationship. At the same time her job was stressing her due to administration issues.

Sandi2, I don't know how you got so wise but thank God you are here and dedicated to helping those of us in these situations.

[JRuss]

Sorry if I missed it -- do you have a lawyer? If not, you should engage one. The lawyer can tell you what your rights are, and I think that will help you feel calmer and less under siege. The lawyer can also engage with hers, and the two of you can talk less about it. Or, if she's pressing on you, you can tell her to talk to your lawyer and step back and away from the line of fire.

More generally, she's gotten used to bullying you around and having you go legs in the air with her getting exactly what she wants, when she wants it. This makes her lose respect for you. Respect and admiration being the bedrock of attraction, well, there you go (and there it went). Change that dynamic if you want to change your relationship. Even if it doesn't save your marriage, it will save you.

[along]

sandi2,
I need some help. Discovered that my WW is writing a letter to say she is sorry. How do I react to it? I know that the divorce papers are on the way. I know that this doesn't change anything,and she is still going to divorce me and be with the OM, but I also know how hard it will be for me to not respond in the right way. should I even acknowledge it?

[along]

I know I targeted my last post to sandi2, but if anyone else has an opinion I would love to hear it. I know my WW is moving out next week. I have a feeling that the letter will be left for me after the movers finish.