It won't start until after there has been absolutely no contact of any type. She will feel the need to contact him, see his picture.......anything........just as much as someone who suddenly stops smoking or some other addiction. She will get very restless, like an animal in a cage. She will be angry, and very moody. She'll become depressed. She goes through weeks of hard withdrawals. Then it may take months of leveling off. Every situation varies with how long it takes to get through. It's like trying to tell someone how long it will take to get through alcoholic withdrawals.
If she backslides and has the slightest contact with OM before she gets through the withdrawal stages, it places her back to square one, and she has to start over with withdrawals. It is essential that she stays away from him in the future. They can't work together or socialize together.
I think it was maybe a little over a year after I ended my A.....when I got a call at work from the OM. My mentor had warned me this might happened, but I was still caught by surprise, and was a little flustered. I am so glad my mentor had warned me, and explained the intentions of OM. He really fit the profile she had given me! Anyway, I let him know not to contact me ever again. Currently, I think I could see him and it would sicken me.......however, I am not going to test it. I have learned to affair proof my MR.....from my side of the street.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
OM did end the A. I mentioned that earlier. OM got tired of the girls gone wild she's been doing again. That's what she told me. And he wanted more but she couldn't give that.
hello petri... as a former WW, in my opinion, you should not put anything on hold... she has not shared her desire to come back to you, to work on the M, to be a mother to her children... none of that... OM left her... her finances are in disarray... she wants time to get her head straight, yada, yada, yada... i used the "i need time, i need space to get my head straight, to get my life together, to figure out what i want," a few times before my H finally stopped biting... you are getting a lot of good advice here, and you have been open to it... that's great... i just felt the need to peek in at this point, where many LBSs lose their grip, and give in to the WW/WH too soon only to find out it was a false start... i gave a few of those to my H too...
Thank you again! I read on your reflections(maybe) that the OM can be not so attractive outwards. I've seen the OM and I really do wonder what the f@#* is W thinking?
Artista.
Nice of you to drop by! I know she is not out of WW land. But I think she is on her way out. Slowly. Very slowly. There are losses compiling slowly...and she is feeling them.
Me:39 W:36 S:12 D:9 T:14 M:11 Separation:sep. 1 2017 D filed oct. 2017 D finalized july 2018 OM confirmed feb 2018 D finalized July 2018
The fact is this. You have to be in pain before you can learn.
How does this sound to you? W said that she now needs to be alone b/c she is only hurting everyone close to her. Pity points or reality?
Standard, predictable, script and no where near returning to the marriage... I would say, "Adios Amiga... And if you need to be alone, then you are on your own... Really on your own."
It's like you're a dog waiting around the table waiting for her to throw any scraps your way.
All your updates focus around her coming to reality and coming back to you and you jump at everything. Do you want her back because she is broke? Do you want her back because the OM dumped her?
Stop waiting around being plan B and start focusing on moving forward! You deserve better!
How does this sound to you? W said that she now needs to be alone b/c she is only hurting everyone close to her. Pity points or reality?
IMHO, it is a WW's way of telling the H that she does not want him pestering her. You need to stay out of her way and let her figure out what she has to do. If she comes to you and wants to know what it will take to reconcile......then you give her your terms. But you should not chase her down to tell her.
Just b/c the affair ends, does not mean her head is fixed! Understand?
She does not want you smothering her with your presence, text messaging, etc. Stand way back from her, and leave her alone.
I don't like it when the WW tries to sneak through the back door, but many WW's do. For example, her asking you to hold off selling the house. You see it as an implication she is considering reconciliation. She could be trying to ensure a backup plan, IDK. The OM has dropped her, and she doesn't want to be homeless.
Is this a sign of pity points or reality hitting? I would guess it's pity points, more than reality hitting. The only pity she feels at the moment is for herself.
I may be wrong, but I sense there is too much communication between you and WW. The fact the OM dumped her, is not a signal for the H to swoop in and rescue his WW. Allow her to experience the pain! Not b/c you want revenge. Not b/c she needs to know how it feels to be dumped. It's for her own good. It's part of the process......the reality.....to crush her fantasy and get her eyes opened and clear her head. If the H is rushing in to be her hero, he will likely be dumped by her again. B/c he has not allowed her the time (without him) to experience some of the reality that will kick her tail. The pain of reality has to convince her the fantasy was a stupid lie she fed herself.
If the H & W are physically separated when the affair ends, the H has to stay away and not push his W.......or else, her fantasy castle won't completely crumble, and she'll start to rebuild it. She won't end her GGW behavior, looking at other men, flirting or whatever gives her that thrill. So, it might take more reality hitting her smack in the face, before she finally gives up that lifestyle (if it has become a lifestyle with her).
This must be an agonizing time for the H who is hoping his WW will make the decision to do the right thing. He probably wants to influence her as much as possible. But I think he needs to stand back and let her make the decision without his influence. If she wants her family back again....,she will pursue it. But a lot of WW's will try to bypass any uncomfortable and painful things to get back with the H & family.......like admitting how awful she acted, and give a sincere apology to her H, and agree to do whatever is necessary to save the M. As I said, the mistake many H's make is rushing in and telling the WW everything she'll need to do to get him back.......before she even considers going back to him.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
on another note, WW was not upfront about her relationship with OM (surprise, surprise)... she said he was just a f*@k buddy, right? if that were the case, she would not be an emotional wreck after the break-up... she was emotionally invested in him... and honestly, you really do not know how long that had been going on...
Moving forward. That's why I'm not going to put the house sale on hold. If I would do it, it would only benefit W. I wouldnnot benefit anything from it.
Sandi.
I understand your point. I just need to detach myself from her.
Artista.
I have wondered the exact same thing. If ending a 14 year R isn't enough to get you to counselling and a 4 month f@#€&buddy R is, I see a problem in this picture. Well she was the one that got dumbed in the A...
Me:39 W:36 S:12 D:9 T:14 M:11 Separation:sep. 1 2017 D filed oct. 2017 D finalized july 2018 OM confirmed feb 2018 D finalized July 2018
The fact is this. You have to be in pain before you can learn.
