My opinion, based on what IC have said, is that they don't know what they want.
I think you nailed it, those exact words came out of my wife when she dropped the bomb on me. I am thankful her anger and resentment towards me seems to have backed off even I know it's still there ( she can't handle stress and when the girls start getting on her nerves, her nastyness towards me and life starts to shows).
Me:37 W:42 T:14 yrs M:10.5 yrs D:7 D:5 BD: 1/6/18 OM Discovered: 1/29/18 WW moved out 5/12/18
So I've read that it gets worse before it gets better and that's where we are. I have noticed a pattern with my wife that she makes plans every other weekend with her one friend that is covering for her to be able to continue to be rebellious and carry on with her affair. I sumized this weekend there would be last minute plans announced. I also summizd she would go to a hotel in town where there is an annual huge St.Pattys day celebration, not to mention she used to work there when she was early 20s and loved it. I said to myself, wouldn't that be convenient...OM can come in from out of town, rent a room, and hang out with my wife. So Saturday rolls around and I had some gal plans in the morning but found out my girls were going to have a sleepover with my W parents. How convenient? This is probably out of guilt because the last time my W went out for a 6hr "lunch" our girls began getting worried and called her often wondering when she was coming home. Kids are away, mom can play right? I so want to ask my MIL what exactly my wife told her the plans were. I wanted to.pick my girls up and bring them home, how dare she use them as pawns! Then I thought about it and realized the girls would be the ones to suffer and I can't have that. So I'm in my room putting away laundry, sticking around to be able to say goodbye to my girls, and realized I had a bag of condoms in my dresser. I decided to count them to make sure none of them disappeared when my wife walked in and laughed. I acted like I was putting away laundry and she said "need condoms?" I said no. She said " oh getting one just in case?" I said no. She then says "or are you counting them?". Isaid what are you talking about? She says I know your cheating on me. And continued to list the 4 times I've left the house for errands or hang out with friends. I said You know better, I'd never cheat on you. I got sucked into a conversation and at one point she said she could leave sooner than planned if needed. I said well nothing seems to be changing so over the next month we will just be further apart. The kids ended up coming into the room so we backed off the conversation. Later that afternoon she left and said she was going to babysit her friends 2 yr old for a bit. I went to help a buddy install a door. Around 6:30 I had not heard anything from her so I sent a text saying "I'm going to grab something to eat, would you like anything". Her response to the text was delayed so I take that as she is running it by her girlfriend. What do I say to him? I get an out of the ordinary "no thank you, I had a late lunch but thanks for asking". I don't respond and then get " I told you I won't be home" (typical wife response but she never did tell me this previously). At bed time I noticed her contact case and toothbrush was missing and thought, here we go. She is staying out tonight for the first time since I've learned of the A. Why would she stay at a married couples house that has a two year old? She could always go out and drink and ask me for a ride. I was tempted to go into the St.Patty's party and see if I see her proving my suspicion but thought it over. I did not want a confrontation and didn't know what I would gain...also got called into work early on a Sunday so I wanted to go to bed.
So here we are, I don't want her to sleep in my mbr any longer and hope she leaves earlier than planned but I'd like to talk to a lawyer before she leaves to make sure it all falls into place favoring myself vs the w. I'd love to have some of the long time posters advice, especially Sandi's. I now see that the NGS is one part of why I am here and I'm tired of being plan b. I don't have a problem filing for divorce but feel it's too early. I am concerned that she takes out a student loan and I'd be on the hook for half of the $40k this summer. I have also checked her credit card balance and it is higher than ever. Please help me out, following the DB rules doesn't seem to be helping and I'm 3/4 through DR.
Me:37 W:42 T:14 yrs M:10.5 yrs D:7 D:5 BD: 1/6/18 OM Discovered: 1/29/18 WW moved out 5/12/18
Your liability for debts can vary from one jurisdiction to another. Where I am, even if you are married you are only liable for debts in your own name or where you are joint signers. It does indeed vary widely. Ownership and definition of marital assets also varies.
Projection is a common thing that a "wayward" spouse will do - projecting their own behaviours on the other partner. Since she is (possibly) having an affair she assumes you are too. I would think that even if she isn't actively doing that she is a high risk for it.
The first thing you need to decide is what is it that you want. You have yourself and your two girl to consider. One obligation that you have as the LBS is to be the "sane parent" especially if the other parent is off dancing with the fairies.
You have some complex issues going on with both yourself and especially your W since she has a known mental condition which requires medications to treat. I hate to say it but on the surface and with the limited information I can see, your situation is unlikely to dramatically turn around in the short term.
So - presuming that you are heading for divorce there are a variety of things you need to do to "get your ducks in a row". Document financial things. Get credit reports done. Take an inventory of household goods (I just went around with a camera and took pictures of everything including serial numbers). Consult with a lawyer or two to understand the process in your region. Many will give you a free consult. Assuming you will be going for custody document when your W fails in her parenting responsibility. And most importantly, even more than keeping DR to yourself, keep all of this very very quiet. My ex went ballistic when she found out how prepared I was.
One important but cold hearted fact to consider is that at the end of 2018 the tax laws around spousal support will be changing in the US so if you are going to move, you would probably want to have an agreement in place before then.
Good luck. Keep your arms and legs inside the ride at all times. It may get bumpy.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Just an update: I've been distancing myself and enjoying any time I get to spend with my girls.
My wife's new bf's husband sent me a text recently out of no where (having texted for over a month with him). Stating that I should not be talking about his wife and saying she is filling my W's head full of [censored]. I never said this or anything along the lines. I dont know what the W BF is or isnt telling her. I very rarely speak about other people and never try to do it behind there backs as I am a very honest and upfront person. I told him there were more than one inaccurate statements in his text and maybe its time to meet up for a beer and talk. He said that could be arranged. Less than 24 hours later his wife texts me stating the same thing. How they want to be there for me and I haven't reached out to them (didnt think it was my responsibility or the best thing to do as it would create a loop between me and the W. Not to mention, my other friends that know have reached out and helped me...not the other way around) and now I am saying she is filling my W's head full of BS. I told W BF the same thing, I dont know who has said what to you but lets sit down and talk. Neither one of them responded to my replied texts. I am thinking the W spent the weekend trying to bad mouth me and is fishing?
Then, over the weekend, I bought a new handgun without telling my wife. How could I, she wasn't home. She did not confide with me before having an affair and choose to wreck our M and distance myself from me. I said to myself, I've been wanting one for a while. Bought a top drawer safe for it and put it in the safe by my bedside. W sees the box 2 days later under our bed and asked why I never told her. Continues on how the kids can get it,blah blah blah. I told her she was wrong, but understand her concerns. The gun is locked away, out of sight, out of mind (the kids dont know it exists). She keeps going (via text that I ignored because I had already asked her to have this talk in person and not txts when at work) on how it needs to be put up higher and out of reach. She's acting like it is the first time a gun came into the home...no mention of the shotgun that has been bedside for years. Just needed to vent.
Me:37 W:42 T:14 yrs M:10.5 yrs D:7 D:5 BD: 1/6/18 OM Discovered: 1/29/18 WW moved out 5/12/18
This is not a political viewpoint about guns. I just don't think it is the wisest decision to have guns so handy, when there are serious problems between the spouses. Maybe I watch the ID channel too much!
Bringing a revolver into the house has clearly upset her. You are dealing with an irrational woman. That can be dangerous, in itself.
My thoughts are that it may not have been the best timing to bring a revolver home.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
My thoughts are that it may not have been the best timing to bring a revolver home.
Thank you Sandi, I appreciate your view point and totally understand. I will remove the gun safe and gun from the home until she leaves. By doing so, wont this send her the message she is still in control or is it more of a validating response?
I am at the beginning of my journey to detach and GAL, other than those two things do you have any advice on home I should interact with her over the next 4-6 weeks before she moves out?
I was concerned last night she was going to use the handgun issue as a starting point for a discussion. Much to my surprise she never mentioned it and was very friendly to the point it was annoying. For example, she saw I was looking for something in the pantry. She figured out I wanted a snack and then started naming what was around to eat. I said I'll just have two oreo cookies. She continued to list off items even after I had left the room. This is the old wife, caring and helping, often times catering to me. Later on she asked to borrow a cellphone charger that in the past she would just take. Then she made it a point to find me and tell me she returned it. I have a hard time with these swings of emotions and want to make sure I am staying on track. I talked with another lawyer today and at the end of the consultation, he reaffirmed my thought that right now is not the time to file for divorce. He did this by asking me if I thought she would attend IC. I said I thought she would eventually but believe the first three sessions she did was forced or talked into by someone other than me. When I asked her to go with me she agreed but pushed it off and never went. No sense in going if you are still in an affair right? If I pursuade her to go it wont help but maybe a few months down the road it could be mentioned? The lawyers point was also to come to agreement together outside of court and it helps everything (even if we divorce) because it will cause less tension and we have years left that we will be seeing each other and attending school functions, graduations, etc. I think this put into perspective time a little for me. Lets take it day by day with no expectations, continue to work on myself, and see how things go.
Me:37 W:42 T:14 yrs M:10.5 yrs D:7 D:5 BD: 1/6/18 OM Discovered: 1/29/18 WW moved out 5/12/18
By doing so, wont this send her the message she is still in control or is it more of a validating response?
In this instance, I think the message it would send to most mothers who have children in the house, is that you are applying wisdom over personal feelings. It's not necessary to explain to her the whys and wherefores. In fact, I'd advise against it.
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I am at the beginning of my journey to detach and GAL, other than those two things do you have any advice on home I should interact with her over the next 4-6 weeks before she moves out?
If she is civil, you can interact as if she was a little old lady who was paying for room & board there. Think about that scenario. Would you feel you had to entertain a boarder? Would you discuss personal or intimate subjects? Would you give details whenever you left the house or made GAL plans? Would show her physical affection......hang around her room, try to sneak a little hug or touch? Would you get flirty, make jokes with sexual induindos, tell her how hot she looks, etc? Would you clean up after her, run her errands, etc? Would you act cold, sullen, or angry toward her? Would you ask her nosy questions about her activities, whereabouts, and other details about her personal life? Would you feel you needed to invite her along on activities with your children, escort her to events, or include her when visiting your relatives/friends? Do you see the picture here? You would be polite, considerate, and make small talk. After all, she would be staying under the same roof. However, there would be a distinct line you would not cross, trying to treat her too familiarly, and/or persuade her to be more than just someone who was renting a room. This may not be a perfect scenario, but I hope it gives you an idea on how to interact with her.
You may find it becomes difficult when she falls into her old wifey habits, such as telling you what's in the pantry, asking when you'll be home, wanting you to run to the store, washing your clothes, etc. Realize she doesn't see you in the same light you are trying to see her. She sees you as the poor guy she's dumping. As long as everything falls to suit her, she'll probably remain friendly. And that should relieve some tension in the environment. Of course, it won't be a piece of cake for you, b/c you are in pain and have such an emotional need to work things out with her. It will actually get on your nerves that she is being "nice". Remember, her nice behavior is not a sign she's changed her mind. Do not read anything into what she says or does unless and until she ends her affair and is remorseful for the damage she has caused and her betrayal to you.
I agree with the second lawyer's consultation advice. It is better to keep these as agreeable as possible. Just understand something......agreeing with everything a wayward wants, hoping it will draw her affection for him......doesn't work. Making an enemy doesn't help either, BTW.
Don't compromise your integrity. Stand by your belief system and your personal standards & principles. Don't get into revenge tactics. Neither should you turn into a wimp. Staying balanced in your thinking is so important. If your head gets as sc@wed up as hers, you'll both go under. You have to save yourself, before you can save anything else.
Be a man with honor and try to do what you feel is the right thing. If you are confused, come to the board and talk it out. You'd be surprised how much it helps. I might add, don't make any big moves or try some new technique or whatever you've read.....until you fully understand it.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Thank you so much Sanding, it amazes me how clear and helpful you are to each and everyone of us here. I agree with 100 percent of what you wrote and feel I have been doing a good job treating the w as a roommate. ( No longer say good morning, goodbye, good night, etc).
The one struggle I have with what you spoke about is the kids activities. This weekend for instance is Maine Maple Sunday. I plan to take the girls to a local farm with sugar shack to enjoy the homemade maple syrup products. I typically would invite the W so the girls would not pick up on anything and ask questions. You think it's best if I just go with out her? Same for Saturday. Both D5 and D7 got great report cards so I told them I'd take them out for dinner. I figured it would be best if she was part of that meal but maybe that is the NGS in me?
Me:37 W:42 T:14 yrs M:10.5 yrs D:7 D:5 BD: 1/6/18 OM Discovered: 1/29/18 WW moved out 5/12/18
Thank you so much Sanding, it amazes me how clear and helpful you are to each and everyone of us here. I agree with 100 percent of what you wrote and feel I have been doing a good job treating the w as a roommate. ( No longer say good morning, goodbye, good night, etc).
The one struggle I have with what you spoke about is the kids activities. This weekend for instance is Maine Maple Sunday. I plan to take the girls to a local farm with sugar shack to enjoy the homemade maple syrup products. I typically would invite the W so the girls would not pick up on anything and ask questions. You think it's best if I just go with out her? Same for Saturday. Both D5 and D7 got great report cards so I told them I'd take them out for dinner. I figured it would be best if she was part of that meal but maybe that is the NGS in me?
Me:37 W:42 T:14 yrs M:10.5 yrs D:7 D:5 BD: 1/6/18 OM Discovered: 1/29/18 WW moved out 5/12/18
The one struggle I have with what you spoke about is the kids activities. This weekend for instance is Maine Maple Sunday. I plan to take the girls to a local farm with sugar shack to enjoy the homemade maple syrup products. I typically would invite the W so the girls would not pick up on anything and ask questions. You think it's best if I just go with out her? Same for Saturday. Both D5 and D7 got great report cards so I told them I'd take them out for dinner. I figured it would be best if she was part of that meal but maybe that is the NGS in me?
Kids activities are a struggle when the H starts to implement actions similar to the renter/boarder scenario. Some activities may be unavoidable, while still living under the same roof. For instance, if the kids had a birthday and W invited family.......you would not leave and not share in their birthday party.
There are some times you can make activities a "DD Day" (Daddy & Daughters Day). I think you have to use your best judgment here. If you decide you don't want her along, then tell her privately, and in advance. Don't wait till the day of the activity. You know her temperament best, and you don't want her telling the girls that Daddy won't let her go. So, some things are a tough call. Some times she won't care, b/c it frees her to do her wayward thing. Unfortunately, I can have a sharp tongue and think of all type of sarcastic responses to a WW wanting to ditch her family/marriage for OM......but expects to join in the fun times. .
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I said well nothing seems to be changing so over the next month we will just be further apart
Keep me straight here. Why the timeframe of a month. Were you referring to her moving out in a month? How did she respond when you made that statement?
Also, let me back up to another post, where you referred to no more saying good morning or good bye. If an elderly lady was renting a room from you, I think you would speak if/when seeing her first thing in the morning. And if she was in the room where you exit when leaving for work, you'd say good-bye. Same thing when you came home after work. However, the main point here is that you don't go out of your way. You don't chase her down or go looking for her whenever you are ready to depart or when you return.....or saying good night. That's just my view point. Keep it short and polite.
My grandparents took in a boarder once. He was a kind, elderly man, and we all thought a lot of him. He would join the family at mealtime and we included him in our small talk. In the evenings, we would gather in the family room, and he would join us for a short period, before retiring to his room. Of course, the boarder and my grandmother did not share any children......... Otherwise, I draw the boarder scenario from that personal experience. In fact, we even lived there with them for a couple of months.
If a schedule, transportation, or whatever for the kids needs to be discussed.......it should be addressed at home and in advance. That should cut down on texting back & forth. If she will conduct herself appropriately at the dinner table, it could be discussed then.....as the kids are likely to bring it up. But if she is going to get ugly and verbally cut you down......then save it until you can talk to her privately. Showing disrespect to either parent in front of the kids is bad.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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