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I can't remember your sitch, I will try to go back and find your other thread, but you really need to work on your detachment. Detachment isn't just about your outward show, it is about your emotions and trying to control them. At first your actions and emotions won't align, but as you continue your consistent behavior, your emotions will start to smooth out too.

In fact, that is what detachment is about. I thought it was about controlling her. It isn't. It is about controlling you! I had to learn that the hard way.


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Threads merged - best to stay on one thread until 100 posts, it is easier to follow along that way.




Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka
that I totally agree with.

Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.

It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.

We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.

Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.


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Hi, I saw your post asking me to drop by your thread. I will catch up and try to respond ASAP.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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Originally Posted By: fmly1st

I dont think she is in any type of a, but i do think that she is being coached!


F,

Look, man I know everyone starts out believing that their spouse would never have an A. I am 99% sure your W is in at minimum an ea, probably with the divorced dude she works with. That's why she enjoys talking about work so much.

You are definitely not working on the marriage if she is not inviting you to the wedding and won't have a beer with you.

Her not inviting you to the wedding IMO is a way to start introducing to your family that you guys are having issues and she doesn't know if you can work it out.

You eventually D and then a few months later shockingly she is dating divorced guy.

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Okay, I read your thread, and I see where you are getting DB coaching and were told your W is a WAW.

As of yet, MWD has not separated the Walk-Away Wife and the Wayward Wife. The term "wayward wife" is not used in her books (that I read). I started a thread about wayward wives, b/c we had some ladies who suffered from abuse in the MR. Some confusion about being a WAW when they were actually getting out for safety reasons, helped me to decide to post the threads. I've been here since 2007 and I saw right away that there were differences in a wayward wife and the WAW. There are only a couple of things I respecfully disagree with MWD, and it is b/c you can't play BFF with your WW before reconciling the MR. You can't nice her back.

From what I have observed during my time here, the majority of H's who join the board seem to have nice guy tendencies. It has been astonishing to see this, but it makes so much sense that a man with NGS would have a wayward wife! If you want to read my thoughts about it, I have a thread about it. The first link to the first one is in Cadet's welcoming post.

If your W is experiencing hormone imbalance (which doesn't mean she is going through the change), it could certainly add to her emotional/mental state of unhappiness and confusion. However, I would not go as far as to say that hormones are the only cause for your W's behavior. I only mention it for your sake. Women are very sensitive to their H suggesting they go get their female issues fixed.

Without more information, IDK if she could be classified as having a MLC, like we often see in women who suffered a traumatic experience when they were growing up. Sometimes, the MLC is linked to psychological issues that were never resolved. Then later in their adult years, something happens to trigger those unresolved issues. IMHO, it is more complicated than her just dreading to see that 50th birthday roll around.

For now, my suggestion is to read my threads about H's who have a WW, and see if it looks like your W......at least the first one, if you are interested.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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Sandi,
Thanks for responding. Im going to read some of the ww post. I dont want to nice her back to the marriage, although maybe sometimes my actions reflect otherwise.

She asked me to dinner last night with the kids to celebrate my birthday and(heartbrakingly) i refused. I met a buddy for a few beers instead. When i got home she was talking about that she wanted to have cake with the kids but that i didnt come home. I told her that i would rather have cake with thr kids and i alone. She was takenaback. "Why do u feel that way?" And i told her the following:
Yesterday when her parents called to wish me a happy bday it was bittersweet because i feel like my relationship with them will never be the same...that i have great affection for them.

And its also sad that im not going to the wedding because it could be the last one i get to attend and i get along really well with a lot of her family, and unfortunately weddings are theonly time i get to see them.

And that i thought we took a couple steps back workinv on our communication because she never even told me about the wedding. I had to hear it from my son.

And maybe we will not reach our stated goal with mc of being able communicate and coparent effectivley and not be resentful. I said the fact tha she had to think about having a beer with me when i came from the angle of, its not about thr marriage but rather about our stated goals. Basically no matter what happens, im not going to get the wrong idea. I explained how we both dont want to say anything to kids right now until we work on things and that trying to talk at home isnt always easy. Have to shut bedroom door to talk and thag makes them wonder about things. I explained that we have so many big eventa coming up involving our kids, that it would be nice to occasionally do something where we would could talk without worrying.

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Sandi2

Ive been giving your comments some thought and have read a majority of the threads on ww. I dont see the similarities to my wife ....she just doesnt exhibit that behavior. Doesnt go out that much and when she does, shes home at a reasonable time.

I mentioned the possible hormone imbalance(never to her) because she told me that shes menstrual often a good 3 weeks out of month sometimes. And the mood changes ive noticed coincide with the onset. My own research on perimenapause tells me that its common to lose interest, fall into depression, lack of energy, etc. All common symptoms ive seen with her. She tells me she has days where she cant get out of bed.

But by no means am i attributing our problems solely on hormones. I realise that i have contributed a lot to our marital problems. I didnt engage or support her on an emotional level. I really lacked maturity and emot intelligence early on in our marriage. Just recently we have had some discussions, initiated by her, where i feel like we connected again. And i can see the shift in the way she treats me as a result. Im still doing the 180, not chasing, not doing all cleaning,shopping, etc. But i do feel like these occasional conversations, being genuinely interested in what she has to say...emphasis on listening has been a positive. I feel like i shouldnt go 180 like you would to a ww because i dont see the behavior. If that changes, i will as well! Thank you in advance for your feedback

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Quote:
She tells me she has days where she cant get out of bed.


I don't doubt it, if she menstrates 3 out of 4 weeks every month. If that won't send her to a specialist, I don't what will.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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How are you doing? Sure would like to hear an update.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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Sandi2,

Thank you for checking in on me. Its really appreciated.

I had a setback this past weekend. Im not sure if my wife was testing me, playing games or both. Im probably guilty of trying to understand if shes a was, ww, and/or in a mlc? I just want to know that im taking the best approach to give us the highest probability to keep our family together. I really miss my wife!!!

We had an argument this past Saturday on St Patricks day. I think i carried over some frustration from the prior week(not telling me about the wedding) and it just boiled over. She had gone out with two of her closest friends. Day started with a 9:00an hair appt and she went out shortly after. I also made plans but not till much later, 3:30-4.

As you may recall, she had a situation a few months ago where she was driving back late and went off the road. Thank god nobody was hurt and she didnt end up in a real mess. But it was scary no less. So i decided to text her earlier just to offer her a ride if she didnt feel comfortable driving. Shs replied thank you and i went about my day.

I met my friends around 4 at a place ver close to my house. I was doing driving so i kept it to 2 beers and we hung out till 10. When i got home i was surprised to see that she was still out. She ended up getting in at 11:45. Thats a long day to sit at a bar, and i made a comment to that effect. That pretty much set off the argument. She also told me that the fiancee of one of her friends was also there. They both are previously divorced and are getting married later this year. Even that rubbed me the wrong way because im thinking that he probably invited a friend or two to hang out and they all, im sure are in the know that shes unhappy in her marriage.(i need to let go of this as part of detaching) It really is horrible to think that way but sometimes the mind plays tricks, especially when you're not getting along.

Needless to say i said some emotional things that i shouldnt have and so did she. But what really blew my mind the next day when we were trying to sort things out, she changed her story of what she told me previously. Now she said that she left the bar after dinner and went to her friends house with the fiancee to hang out. Her friend makes crafts and she said that she was just looking at her workspace and crafts. (Mistake) i dont know why she couldnt just tell the truth from the start? And i was also bothered that she couldnt send me a text or something saying that she was ok to drive and/or wouldnt need a ride.

Im still feeling my way through all of this. I haved mixed feeling on a regular basis. I know that i need to detach, but i need ti know how to do it while still living with her? And im also conflicted because i know that has bouts of depression, and i feel obligated to be around her in some manner. And then there is the question of boundaries? How do i come up with and communicate?

What really scares me, is she blames me for everything, and says things that are have no merit. Previously she referred to an incident years ago and said that was the final straw. But after she realized that we had been intimant and had some great times after that, she moved on to something else. This last time she really floored me by saying that she felt like she was held hostage in her own home and has to walk on eggshells. And that she shouldnt have to chronicle everything she does in a day. (Im not asking anything anymore from her.) Also, in our last counsilling session she was asked if she ever felt that she was in any type of danger or scared of anything, and said no emphatically. Ive never layed a hand on a femal in my life and have never prevented her from going out. So this is really scary to me because what if she starts sayinv things like that to others? Thats why i know i have to let go and totally detach!!!

My concern is that we are right in midst of finalising plans for our daughters college. Shes already been accepted to one of the top schools in the country(at least i can be happy about that) and im trying to get all the financing togther. We try and split all the bills but shes been spending a lot on clothes. Buying expensive bathing suits( has like 10) She even joked how this online shopping is going to make everyone go broke. This is so unlike my wife, because she would be putting our kids education first. Shes worked incredibly hard with our kids with school and now hardly at all. My 13 year old is struggling with school and it doesnt even seem to bother my wife. So im trying fill that void as best i can.

So, i think she really is going thru a mlc. And her menstrual sitch is really taking a toll. She has trouble getting out of bed and has no energy for excersize or pretty much anything. Im surprised she can function at work. The good news is that i have plenty to keep me busy. Having just started a new job a few months ago, tons of work around the house(she does nothing but her own laundry) and get all the financing completed for my daughters college. In addition i have to plan her graduation, and my son is playing on an elite travel baseball team. I have plenty to keep me busy. And im going back to the gym today. This really helps alleviate the stress and makes me feel good.

We have been ok(no relationship talk or arguing) the last few days. And she does want to see the councilor soon. We have an appt scheduled next week.

Sorry for the long winded response, but i just needed to get it off my chest.

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