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Pax_luv Offline OP
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Oh my goodness! Haven't posted in quite a while! Hello smile

I continue to read along, but rarely have time to post these days.

Life goes on. I'm finding myself increasingly angry towards ex and all that he has put me through. I want to say that I hate him, but that would be extremely childish of me and truth is I don't hate anyone. I know I'm supposed to send him off with love and light, but the truth is, I want him to suffer.... Bad. That's terrible of me to say, but it's the God honest truth. I've never willed this on anyone before. But he does have evil running through his veins. I know now, more than ever, MLC or not, there was never any room for me in that relationship.

I have more court dates coming up, more money to shell out, more lies to endure, etc but relatively I'm doing ok. The anger comes in waves and sometimes it hits me like a ton of bricks. Just happened this morning actually.

I've been working on an industry- changing project for the last year and it finally went live today. I poured my heart and soul into this thing as well as a ton of personal sacrifice but it was worth it because I'm helping people live healthier and happier lives. It was such a meaningful morning.... Then I went back to my office and BAM.... The emotions came rushing in- how could he be so evil? How could he lie so much? How does he not have a shred of morose? How can he think this is my doing? How is he still the victim? How could I be replaced? How does he not miss me or what he had? How can he not be sorry?

We all know the song and dance. I must take the focus off him and stay the path, but darn if it isn't hard. 3 years into this mess and it still gets to me.

In other news.... I continue to keep stacking up goals and gal activities for myself. It's gotten to the point where it is second nature. Been seriously contemplating going back to school for a second masters.... Just have to come across a couple tens of thousands of dollars. (Hehe... I laugh as I type that). But in all seriousness, I wish this was something I pursued right after bd, it would have been a great distraction. I could be halfway to a doctorate by now! Oh well.... Live and learn.

That's all I got folks... I wish you all peace and strength! Keep on keepin on!


Me- 30's H- 40's
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Oh!!! One more thing. I had a good friend have a courageous talk with me the other day. She was worried that I wasn't doing enough for my personal life (I have a tendency to serve others more). Basically, she knows how badly I want children of my own someday and the clock is ticking and she is scared that I might miss the window of opportunity if im not actively trying to be in a relationship.

Ugh. That was hard to hear. (And we don't have to get into the semantics of relationship =fulfillment) but she is right. I Dated for a bit and had a great time, but now I have other priorities and I don't have the energy to date.... Especially with the added pressure of finding a baby daddy! (Rolls eyes)


Me- 30's H- 40's
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Ok, there are plenty of ways to get kids ... and you don't have to jump into a relationship to do so.

I think while your friend was well-intentioned, perhaps the topic was a bit precipitous given all you have currently on your plate.

Anyway ... breathe .. and congrats on the work project!! xoxoxo


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand,
That this too, was a gift."
~ Mary Oliver
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Pax_luv Offline OP
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Thanks bttrfly. Xoxoxo.

Feeling better.

Yesterday was a bit of rainy day so I stayed in and did some damage online shopping. noooooooo!!! One of my New Years resolutions was to not buy any unnecessary items of clothing. Well.... I made it to March 10. Bleh.

Ive been purging the last couple of years and I shared how I'm trying to implement the kon Mari method. But I just can't get the hang of tidying up everyday! I always let things get chaotic during the week (dishes, laundry) and then spend my weekend taking care of my chores. Such a bad habit that I need to break.

Anyway, I've been trying for years to get my clothes and shoes under control. I used to have job(s) that required many different outfits so I often had 4 different wardrobes going at once. One of my jobs required that I be up to date in terms of fashion and I always had to have put-together outfits. Anyway... I don't need all this stuff now! I mostly wear suits/ Blazers/dresses to work and am in sweats or gym clothes on the weekend. Everything else is unecessary and complete excess. I did go through spurts of buying new clothes when I was dating, but those aren't getting used right now either!

Long story short- My apparel is something that I want to stay on top of, and I feel really guilty when I buy new clothes...I just got the urge to do some shopping yesterday. I got a little bit of a bonus at work which is why I justified it.... But even then I needed that money!!! With $3000 monthly lawyer bills... I definitely don't need clothes.

So this morning, I got up and started getting rid of stuff to make room for the new items. One thing I decided to do was clear my closet of anything my ex got me. Sweaters, hats, lingerie.... All gone! It took me a while to get to that point (almost 3 years to be exact!) And as I was shoving the items into the donate or toss bags, I did so with a huge smile. Feels good to continue to rid him of my life. I think, at this point in time, anything that reminds me of him just brings about bad energy. Time to clear my life of that! So, I'll take that as a win.... A little pricey win.... But a win no-less 😉

Hope you all have a pleasant week!


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I hear you on getting rid of the things the ex bought you! I never made a concerted effort to do that but definitely found myself a bit put off when I would pull out an item that was from him. I think most of those things are gone now but I think I'll do a search when I get home!

(Odd story - when my ex finally left, he announced it to me in November but I made him agree to stay through the holidays so the kids wouldn't permanently associate Xmas with their parents divorce. He gave me a pair of emerald earrings for Xmas. What an idiot! Did he think I would wear them in remembrance of him when he was abandoning the marriage and stomping on my heart???? I never did wear them once and ended up giving them away to the singer in the band I played in. She didn't know him do there were no negative connotations for her. )

Come to think of it, I should go through my jewelry box and make sure there's nothing left there from him. (Don't worry - nothing of any particular value).

As for the house cleaning - the Fly Lady books and websites are good. But what keeps me on track is having a cleaning lady that comes every two weeks - I have to pick my clutter up before she comes, keeps me from getting overwhelmed with disorder.

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Pax_luv Offline OP
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Oh KML- your story! Our exes and their guilt gifts. Bleh. So crazy. My ex was not thoughtful with gifts because he did not believe in sentimentality. It would drive me crazy that we would go into a store and he would pick out the first thing he saw without any thought as who the recipient was. Ok- in some respects it doesn't sound that bad.... But it drove me nuts that he didnt actually want to give a gift, he did so out of obligation. (Hmmmm the only thing he felt obliged to do)
Anyway, the last gifts I got from him were the most thoughtful things I ever received from him. He actually thought of ME. They weren't extravagant, but he found items I would appreciate and enjoy (in my style too). It was a first.... And then he dumped me.

Also, thanks for the house tidying tips. When my divorce is final and finances are stable, I will definitely get a housekeeper to help with the deep cleaning stuff! That will be great!

So.... On to a question.....

Things were a little too quiet in the ex's camp, so I was suspecting that something was up. On Monday morning, I woke up with a sense of something coming my way. Sure enough, I was right. Ex is up to his litigious self.

He reminds me of a super villain who rages at the drop of a pin. I imagine him a monster yelling things like--- "how dare you cross me?!?!?! I'll show you.... You'll rue the day you defied me!!!!"

What do I do about this? Obviously I can't disclose any more than this because he would sue me and I can't afford any new lawyer fees!

While it is emotionally stressful and draining, I'm not giving him or his craziness much head space, but I have had enough of his bs. I was talking to a friend about it and she asked, "why can't you just talk to him face to face about this?" Now on every day planet earth, of course that is the approach I would take a million times over. Afterall, it's hard to hate someone up close. But in MLC land, I think I just need to stand my ground and keep digging in and refusing to succumb to his bullying tactics.

Am I correct in maintaining this solid approach? I refuse to budge just because his antics are rediculous.

What do you think? There's absolutely no point in trying to extend an olive branch in an attempt to have a reasonable dialogue with him, right?!

I think I know the answer. wink

Ohhhhh another day in the life.......

Be well, DB friends.

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Ahhh man Pax! I feel so badly for you. Hugs and positive thoughts from the east coast!

I wish I could give you some advice but I haven’t dealt with a MLC’r myself. Hoping you get some great advice from the experts here!

What do ya’ll think of pax’s sitch???

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Hi Pax, I'm sorry things are still difficult for you. Know that you will get to the other side of this. This is a phase and it will also pass. The main thing is to look after yourself and take reasonable care of your own interests too.

The comment that stood out for me was around you refusing to budge because his antics are ridiculous. My best advice is to focus only on the big ticket areas. For me, I decided to let the smaller stuff go in the interests of achieving settlement. One of the 'smaller' items was that XH had spent £1000's on his new partner during our period of separation. But actually, we were lucky enough to have significant assets to divide. And whilst it was a bit galling at the time, I decided not to 'go there.'

Resolving things, and resolving them in a way you can live with - and rebuild a life with - are the primary aims here and it is best to always remember that. I was lucky enough that XH was reasonably amenable and things were resolved relatively quickly and without overt conflict - I'm lucky and feel grateful for that....

Take care and I hope things settle down for you soon xxx


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
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know what you want. don't react. if it's worth digging in, then do so. if it's not, don't. he's a putz.

xxoxoxoo


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand,
That this too, was a gift."
~ Mary Oliver
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Pinn, Sotto, bttrfly, thank you so much for chiming in. I appreciate it.

Would you believe that we aren't even negotiating yet? Nope. This is all in reference to things he's demanding before all disclosures have been made and before any attempt at negotiating and settling.

It's crazy.

here's a fake example- him putting in a court order to make me agree that I do not want spousal support and will permanently agree that I want zero support from him. then his supplement arguments about why I specifically don't deserve spousal support....... Ie- I have a masters degree and I can support myself. And he was there with me while I got that masters degree and he emotionally suffered as a result. And then, I must have excess finances because I go to the gym and gym memberships cost money.

Meanwhile, in this fake scenario, he's also trying to get spousal support from me even though his earning potential was far greater due to the fact that he was older and made 5x more than me.

That's a terrible fake example.... But that is what I'm dealing with at all levels. I have 3 court dates in the span of 4 weeks to deal with this type of nonsense.

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