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River10,
I am so sorry. MLC is hard enough on us, but your additional burdens are even more difficult.

What I can say is that you need your energy for yourself now.


M: 16 years
Bomb 4/07
OW 20s long gone
Divorced 11/09
I remarried New Guy
Cooperative r w/X regarding D

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River

MY XH had good communication with us for the first 2 years after bomb
He visited, sometimes daily and took the kids out
we talked a lot as friends during that time
Then we got D..He didn't like the fact that MY L was real smart and I eventually had to take our business away because he was ruining it--he was coming to work high--he vanished and still no contact with us or his sisters-
Many get pulled in deeper as time goes on and with no real help or desire to get therapy they get worse-
many will vanish into their own new lives

You may not know the whys of it really--
If you can create a tape in your mind that benefits you-like-
None of this is my fault
MY H is deep in M:LC a real crises-
I wish him the best and highest good
I let go over an again
I can do this on my own..I will make my life work
God is with me-
I will use all my energy for my healing and let him go
If I feel sad I will feel it and carry on-

Maybe 100X a day keep saying it until you believe it..

keep posting
do whatever helps you feel better
take good care of you-
we are all here rooting for your full 100% recovery


married 14 years
H 42
bomb 2/07 IDLYA
D final 3 /09
M ow D ow
Joined: Feb 2016
Posts: 27
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river10 Offline OP
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Thank you for stopping by and for your support.

I sometimes wish I could see some MLC crazy from my H so I could really believe he's in MLC.

At the beginning he ticked all the MLC boxes, but now he just seems like he's erased me. He doesn't do a lot of "typical" MLC things. He's just gone and doesn't contact me. He doesn't seem to crave attention, good or bad. His OW seems mostly normal - obviously has some flaws or she wouldn't have been an OW. She has 3 kids and she left her H for my H, but she doesn't appear crazy or personality disordered. She's 2 years younger than H and went to high school with him.

She posts publicly on her social media (I have her blocked but still managed to see a few things here and there.) She was the one who announced their relationship on her Facebook page, after he'd lived there with her for about 8 months. She wrote that she "thought it was time." He keeps his locked down. His profile pic is an old black and white pic of his deceased father.

Seems like she fawns all over him like he's some kind of god. Meanwhile, for the past year he's been known to direct tweet a specific woman who is a very, very, very minor local media figure as if he's desperate for her attention. (She never acknowledges him back.)

Anyway, he's living so far away and we have NC so I don't see any depression, confusion or anything to remind me that he's in crisis. So it's easy to feel like he just doesn't care about me at all anymore.

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river,

I am so very sorry that you are having a difficult time at the moment w/your h being MIA. You need to find a way to understand that when they are in MLC some will completely disappear and will go radio silent w/the spouse. You are looked upon as being the authority figure that they are rebelling against, therefore, they do not want anything to do with us. We are the first that they cut out of their lives and if they should be lucky enough to return to us, we will be the last that they reconnect with. You have to remember, it's not you...it's all about him.

You don't know what he's doing, so you need to put the "assume" away for now. He's getting his attention "kibbles" from the OW at the moment and she may be the type to stroke his ego and make him feel good about what he's doing with her and for her and the kids. Not all ow are crazy or personality disordered. Some actually have very good jobs and are intelligent, then there are others who aren't all that great. You do not know what he's told her about his situation and let's face it, they become very good liars and painting the "woe is me" picture for the attention and sympathy of the other person (op).

The ow is nothing more than a band aid to what ails him at the moment. Being w/her is a distraction so that he doesn't have to think about what he needs to do to figure himself out. She is nothing more than a distraction and not special at all. She doesn't know him the way you do, nor has she shared a lot of those years w/him that you have good memories of. Always remember...you are the prize and can honestly hold your head up and look people in the eye and face yourself in the mirror each day because you didn't break your marriage vows.

For now, you need to keep the focus on you and the fight you have going on w/getting your good health back. I know it's difficult and you are sitting there wondering about him and that's okay...we all do it...but your focus, strength, and determination right now need to be on you.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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you may not see it..
especially because he is far away

It may take time..
You may see a little crazy behavior here and there

Most MLCers have similar traits but may be slightly different
On the outside my XH OW seemed attractive, smart ect..(I never met her but my brother worked with her)..
She was XH secretary ..In the beginning I would compare myself to her--I thought
she must be better than me ect..
until years later..My XMIL told me OW was on drugs-crazy and XH family had banned her from any gatherings and they were M then
I also heard she was a drug addict and her D and her parents were addicts also..
Not a happy picture-
they are now Divorced

as hard as it is, job is right, got to find a way to let him go
and focus on you-
You will see and hear more later-about him-\
rarely do we see MLCer leaving to create better more productive and happy lives
Usually, they loose everything and the Relationships rarely stick more than a few years-


married 14 years
H 42
bomb 2/07 IDLYA
D final 3 /09
M ow D ow
Joined: Feb 2016
Posts: 27
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river10 Offline OP
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Thank you job and peacetoday.

Originally Posted By: peacetoday

rarely do we see MLCer leaving to create better more productive and happy lives
Usually, they loose everything and the Relationships rarely stick more than a few years-


This is why my situation feels different. He left and has a more successful career than he's ever had now. He seems to be working all the time and so it looks like maybe he's using work as a distraction and as a result, he's been promoted several times already and he's only been there for 22 months.

That's his biggest issue - he wants to be seen as important and successful and now he's getting that. So it's working out for him.

From what I've seen, it seems like if they are going to face themselves, and that's a big if, they won't even be close to ready to do so until they start to experience loss of some kind - loss of job, loss of friends and family, trouble with the law, etc. H doesn't seem to be in any danger of losing anything.

OW went to high school with him. All of his friends know her and none of them know this started as an affair so they are all very supportive and happy for them.
His job is going very well.
He stopped paying all his debt but it's been a year and a half and he's got a couple of collections accounts (who now can't find him since he changed his phone number) for small balances (not enough to take him to court over) but his largest debts (one is a $35,000 balance) haven't even gone to collections. I can't figure it out - I think if I walked away from that kind of debt, I'd be hounded by phone calls and letters and taken to court. But he just walked away from it and it looks like he's just going to be able to wait it out and after a few years when the statute of limitations runs out it'll just be wiped out.

Meanwhile I'm barely able to work and once I'm able, finding a new job is going to be difficult. In hindsight, I should have divorced him right away, because now I can't even contact him and I'm married to a ghost.

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River

I see what your are saying and maybe he is ok with his life and his choices
its is possible-maybe he is happy

But looking from the outside
he is a man who abandoned his wife and had an affair
statistics are usually not great for affairs to last, but some will and do
he is in debt and in hiding
he makes no effort to get D or do the right things
He is a workaholic

This list does not sound like a happy camper to me

People do not become suddenly happy by just being in a new R
That is very short term hapiness

Usually Happy and successful people have a conscious, they choose to better themselves
they choose right behavior
They pay their debt

But maybe he found a way around Karma and he is happy and doing fabulous even though he made bad choices

Maybe you can find a way to be ok with that and let him go with love, trusting that God will take care of you also-

I know this is not easy- but I only suggest this to you-
so You can feel more peaceful
we have to find a way to acceptance for our and everyones peace

Good luck my friend
I have faith in your recovery from this


married 14 years
H 42
bomb 2/07 IDLYA
D final 3 /09
M ow D ow
Joined: Feb 2016
Posts: 27
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river10 Offline OP
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Does anyone know of any stories of MLCers who vanished and could not be contacted and then turned back up at some point?

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river,

Some of them vanish for periods of time and then show back up...still strong in MLC. There are a few around who have had their spouses go off and disappear for weeks at a time. Some stay in the picture and others come back periodically.

Lou's h comes to mind as being someone who disappears and then contacts her once in a blue moon.

What your spouse is doing may be the right thing for him while he's in crisis. It just may be his way of dealing w/himself and his issues.

I wanted to bring over something that I wrote a few years ago:

There are three types of mlcers:

1. Drop-in. This is the mlcer that continues to come to the home, most likely on a daily basis or every couple of days. They have dinner, sit around w/the children and just visit like old times.

2. Droplet. This is the mlcer who comes to home or visits w/you periodically. They may come by every couple of weeks or months. They don't make a habit of being at your residence all of the time like drop-in does.

3. Dropout. This is the mlcer who walks out the door and you never hear from him or see him again for a very, very long time. No contact at all. They ride off into the sunset never to be seen or heard from again by you or family.

The three descriptions were best described by Sally Conway in her book that she wrote many years ago. The descriptions helped me determine which one my h was. For a while, he was the droplet and then evolved into the dropout.



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MY XH did all 3
first a drop in for the first 1-1/2 years
then a droplet for a short time
now a drop out since 2009
I heard from him 1x only since 2009

River
I'm sorry I know how hard it is especially in the beginning
The pain will ease and eventually we let go totally
I'm sure there are stories where they go no contact for a time and them reappear..


married 14 years
H 42
bomb 2/07 IDLYA
D final 3 /09
M ow D ow
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