Gordie, it is so good to hear from you. Just seeing that you replied lifted my spirits a little. I need to get better at offering advice to others instead of just reading through everyone's posts.
You summed it up pretty well. She says she is working on being better, but she does not seem to want to be married. Truth is, I'm not OK with it. I am not going to be pushed out due to her unhappiness, but she doesn't want to leave the house and kids...so I think out of obligation she tries to "work" on things. Her line of thinking does not lead her to actually work on the marriage, I think she is just trying not to make things worse...and for her that is working on things.
I don't think I really know what my boundaries are until she crosses them. Then it tuns in to an argument where I tell her where I stand. She seems receptive to it to a degree. When she went out all day without telling me and I then got in to it with her about it, over the following days she started telling me when she was going somewhere and asking if it was ok when she wanted to go out with a friend on an off night.
Days like today are hard because although I know that she isn't better and probably a long way off from it, I do see her trying to take me in to consideration, she just isn't very good at it right now. But in that sense, being friendly with eachother is an ok place to be while she struggles to figure herself out. Then today I find out that she still doesn't trust ME. I guess her trust in me doesn't make much of a difference at this point, but its like a slap in the face. I'm not the one who deserves mistrust...but I guess I don't deserve any of it so maybe a moot point.
I'll get through today just like I get through every day...but I'm still struggling to find purchase in this thing. The good ting is that throughout the previous year, there have been MANY days that I lived moment to moment trying to make it through. Now, I have bad days, but I am finding a bit of happiness here and there. Thank you for helping me get there...
I get it. She doesn’t want to leave. You don’t want to leave. You are in a stalemate. Neither married nor divorced. So I’m going to pass on the sage advice given to me and I’m no expert and am still figuring it out:
1. Take all focus off of her. Focus on yourself and your kid. How? If you don’t want to move out (I understand), you may want to take a month and spend almost no time with her. This is not punishment. This is to refocus on you and you can’t do that when you are constantly watching and reacting to her. Schedule your days and get busy. Busy at work, with activities and when you are at home, make sure you are busy there too. No just hanging out at home. If you are with your kid, do things outside the house. You will be too busy enjoying life to worry about her comings and goings or where she is or with whom. In your month of re focus, include an overnight trip by yourself. If you don’t have money, just sleep on a friend’s couch. Go to your fight class every day! You will enjoy your time there, make new friends, and get into the best shape of your life (and yes, the ladies will notice). But new clothes to show off your new physique.
2. And when you do bump into her? You can be friendly, but you are focused on you right now. Don’t ask her about her life. Don’t ask her about her day. Don’t ask her what she’s been doing or how she’s been feeling or worst of all, your relationship. You are taking all the pressure off of her. You are letting her go. You can’t control her. And if she decides to go sleep with every Tom, Dick and Harry? That’s up to her and then you can decide what you want to do. You feel like you are weak and powerless, but you do have power over you and what you want to do with your life. She doesn’t control that.
3. But here’s what may happen. She may get curious about who is this ripped stud who has a great life and no interest in me? She may start following you around or texting in the middle of the day. Why are you ignoring me? Say, I’m just focused on me right now. I realized I needed to work on myself. I’m learning new things about me. I’m enjoying life.
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Gordie, Thank you for that. I read your reply and thought about it all day after reading it. The next day I started working on doing that. Then, something unexpected happened. It wasn’t long enough for that to be related to what happened, but I really need some advice on how to handle my situation. Here it goes...
Last Friday evening after getting off work and returning home, W and D decided that D would make dinner. She wanted to make fancy sandwiches and we were almost out of bread, so I offered to go get some from the store for her (D). I asked if she wanted to go with me, which she declined (she never wants to but I always ask). My W then said, I’ll go with you. This alone seemed weird. She has not wanted to do anything with just me and her in a long time (even just the store). I said OK and we headed out. We decided to go to the nice grocery store since it had a bar and we could grab a drink. On the way, she asked if I wanted to talk. I of course said OK.
She then proceeded to tell me that she had been talking with a coworker who had just gotten married and they were telling her how happy they were with their life, dog, etc and it got her to thinking. Said she had been looking at things the wrong way and realized that she hadn’t been very nice to me and had been treating me very poorly. Said she really loved me and really wanted to work things out. (Summarizing) We talked for a while in the car and it was a really good conversation. We have not had a talk like that since this whole thing started. I won’t go in to everything that was said, but I could tell I was talking to HER, not her MLC who is all I spoken to in over a year.
We went in to the store, got a drink, and did our shopping. It was nice. Then we went home and had a pleasant evening. We both fell asleep on the couch watching TV, and I got up and went to bed in the middle of the night. She woke up shortly after and came to bed too...and snuggled up next to me. She has not done that since MLC started almost a year and a half ago. After a while of just laying there, she then initiated sex. It was nice.
The next day we both had separate kid duty to attend to, but the day went well. Then Sunday morning she had to get up very early and fly to DC for work...where she still is now till the weekend.
The problem now is how I am feeling about things. From others experiences I have read about, I knew this conversation might come eventually, and I hoped for it. Even now I know that just because we had that conversation, that doesn’t mean everything is all better now. It is just a start, hopefully in the right direction. I admit that I hoped that I would feel better about it than I do. Other than the day we had the conversation, I don’t feel much different. I mean maybe I don’t feel as anxious as I did, but I still feel a little uneasy. My guard is still up, as I’m sure it probably should be. She has been out of town and I’m juggling kids so we haven’t talked much this week at all. I find myself wondering if things are going to go back to MLC land when she gets back. It’s hard for me to accept that she MIGHT have turned a corner. You don’t feel one way for a year and a half and then change over night.
So, now I am trying to figure out how I really feel about things and how I should act towards her. I guess that may depend on how she acts when she gets back, but I guess I am just confused over my own feelings. I thought I would be happier after having a conversation like that...or rather I thought the happiness I felt over it would last longer than a day.
Wow. That was unexpected. And your feelings that you’re not more excited? I get that. I feel the same. We’re hurt and have been whipsawed. And you are guarded and cautious, as you should be. Be patient. See how things play out.
Actions speak louder than words. Have her actions changed? Are these changes for real? And long lasting? At this stage, it’s way too early to tell.
And how should you act now? I think the advice I am getting is you’ve got to keep focusing on you. I suspect you are going to start thinking and feeling some new things. Process those, don’t stuff them.
And with respect to her, keep expectations low and go very, very slowly. Be patient. If she can change her mind this quickly in one direction, she can do the opposite as well.
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Dog training 101 - reward the good behaviors, ignore the bad ones.
Even though you obviously will feel guarded and skeptical - I certainly would - you still want to reward the good behaviors.
It's not easy, keeping your guard up without letting it appear to be up.
My guess is listening to her coworker reminded her what it was like in the early days of your marriage. Maybe she was just finally ready.
OR - maybe she's concocted a plan to kill you in your sleep and wants to throw you off her tracks. (Just kidding.)
Even if she was sincere (and she probably was) she may not be fully baked yet and may come back from her business trip in a completely different frame of mind, so be prepared for anything.
Thanks Gordie. I think you are right about all of that.
Its hard to say regarding her actions. She went out of town right after so there haven't been many actions to see. She isn't calling and texting me lovey stuff while out of town, but I don't really expect that. I mean if she is starting to surface a little out of the fog (even if only a little), then I imagine she is going to be depressed as the realization of everything begins to hit her. I imagine that will cause her to backstep a little. All that to say that I probably DO need to take it slow and have low expectations. You are right, if she can change her mind in a day then it can go the other way too. I guess the good of it is that SHE is still in there somewhere, even if not coming out for good yet.
I think I need to continue focusing on myself while still being accepting of her willingness to change (leave the light on kind of thing).
I also think you are right about beginning to feel new things and not to stuff them. I think I am starting to feel a little of that already.
The trip she is on is for work, but she has never been to DC before. She decided to extend her trip through the weekend so she could check out the city. She planned this trip a month or 2 ago. It wasn't until this past weekend (right before she left) that I realized that meant that she wouldn't be here on Easter. The way her planning has gone the last year, I'm pretty sure she didn't realize it when planning it either. Her and I didn't talk about that aspect, but now it comes down to the fact that she won't be here on Easter because she wanted to have a mini vacation in a new city by herself. I wonder how she'll feel about that if she is starting to surface a little. Guess it doesn't really matter at this point.
Well, back to the kids for now...thank you, friend. Your advice always hots home.
lol...she might indeed be planning to kill me in my sleep!
I agree with rewarding good behavior. I feel like I did that at the time, but in the days following I am questioning everything in my head. I'm going to try and not show my guard is up, but I think she is like a bloodhound with that kind of thing. Not sure why she can be oblivious to so much but pick up on stuff like that.
I don't think for a minute that she is fully baked...and I suspect that when she gets back that she will be in a different frame of mind. I feel like I can feel that happening already, but I could just be over analyzing. Well, I am definitely over analyzing, but that can't be helped sometimes. I almost feel like its a good thing that she went out of town right after. Give us both some time to process.
I am going to try and be prepared for whatever happens and enjoy myself in the interim. Just threw me off guard when 2 days later I wasn't ecstatic over her seemingly heartfelt apology and expressing a desire to make things work. I guess thats growth on my part. Had she said the same thing 3 months ago I think I would have jumped right on board...
Hi Sjohns6 .... I think the best thing I can offer is to re-read Cali's thread. Not that your wife is going to do what Cali's did - just that you need to be prepared for absolutely anything, and Cali I think is a great example of how to navigate these rocky shoals.
I'm delighted that you're posting, btw!!!
I'm glad your wife initiated that convo with you.
Try to have a wonderful Easter! xoxoxo
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
Bttfly, thank you! I will read back through Cali’s thread. I feel like I’m walking a tightrope sometimes and the advice I get here helps me keep my balance. I had a good Easter...I hope you did too!!
Wanted to post an update. So, in my last post I was conflicted on my good conversation with W. As the week progressed, she called and texted a little more and said she missed me and loved me several times. This was a big positive and helped me feel better about where we stood. Still knew that it didn’t mean we were all better, but it helped me accept that it wasn’t just a 1 day feeling from her. Then she got home and things have been going pretty well. I feel like I can tell she isn’t recovered from MLC, but that she is making efforts to make things better between us. She isn’t replaying or cold shouldering me and our time together has been the most normal it has been in a while.
Then, last night I had a trigger moment. Wife was helping D with a project on her iPad. It kept locking and D kept having to tell W what the password was. D kept just unlocking it for her instead of telling the password and W said something snarky about it (jokingly). Well, that triggered me a little because right now I still don’t know the PIN to my wife’s phone since she changed it to keep me out of her phone...and I still don’t know what she changed the password to my cell phone account to. I haven’t brought it up at all because I haven’t needed to and I didn’t see the need. The convo between W and D triggered me though because her not wanting me looking at her phone was never really dealt with. I tried to not let it get to me, but in our convo the other day she said she wanted me to be honest with her and that she didn’t want us to sweep things under the rug.
So, after kids went to bed I said something to her about it. I basically said that it bugged me that she still wanted me locked out of her phone. At that point, after the convo we had, I was hoping that maybe it was just an oversight. Not that she still wanted me out of it but that we just hadn’t discussed it. I was wrong. I clarified that it wasn’t that I wanted to look at her phone, but that it bugged me that she didn’t want me to and intentionally changed her PIN so that I couldn’t get in. She basically told me that it bothered her that I didn’t trust her and that she didn’t want to be in a relationship where she felt like someone was constantly looking over her shoulder monitoring what she was doing. There was a lot of back and forth and although it wasn’t horrible, in the light of how things seemed to be going the last 2 weeks, it wasn’t good either.
Now I feel like I rocked the boat. Things were going ok and now we both feel hurt and emotionally drained. I know that I didn’t cause this and our issues need to be brought out so that they can be addressed, but I can’t help but think that I could have tried to give it some more time before bringing it up. She says that I will say something and if she doesn’t reply the way I want her to I get frustrated. She says that I seem to always be disappointed in everything she does. That isn’t true, and I told her as much...and she knows that she was exaggerating. But, it shows me that things weren’t going as well as I thought if she is not trusting me. It’s weird that she wouldn’t trust me, but I kind of get it. If she feels that I don’t trust her then it causes her to feel untrusting of me. Ex, if I don’t trust her and had access to her phone then I would be looking at it all the time.
Not that the trust is fully restored between us, but I really haven’t been worried that she is out having an affair. I am not worried about what she is out doing. My issues as of late have been more about the way she treats me in general, but that has been getting better. I guess the problem now is expectations. I have been expecting that because things have seemed better that it meant she was feeling better towards me. Turns out she still doesn’t trust me, and I don’t feel like I have earned that at all. I did look at her phone a few times, but even that was months ago. I’ve had to forgive so much and restore trust on my own and I feel like very little of that has been based on any effort of hers.
So now I have to figure out how to move forward after this. I told her that I still wanted to work things out and that it was important to be honest with each other. that this was something that had bothered me and I didn’t want to sweep it under the rug. Now we have told each other how we feel about it, and now maybe we let it go for a little while and get back to moving forward with things. I guess we’ll see how things progress. Just when you think you have things somewhat figured out...
There was something recently that triggered me. I told w about it and we had some tense moments.I felt myself getting angrier so I left the house and talked to a friend before things escalated. I came back and was able to address the conflict more rationally.
This is tricky. She is emotional. You are emotional.
Good to not sweep things under the rug but also how best to deal is not always clear.
Do what works. Stop doing what doesn’t. If you could do that over again, what would you do differently, if anything, or in the end was it the best that could have been done?
I also think you are very self critical and probably over analyzed this 5 minute discussion a few too many times.
Does this really matter? Are you sweating the small stuff? If you were the best version of yourself, what would you have done?
Or if it is really important, could you try a very non-SJohn6 approach? Instead of bringing it up that night when you were still emotional about it and said it in a negative tone—what would a 180 be for you?
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Unfortunately I have to admit that I did wait to have that conversation and it was more than 5 minutes, although I am sure I am over analyzing. Not overanalyzing the scope of a normal relationship, but overanalyzing as it pertains to MLC behavior. I brought it up in the evening, but we didn't discuss till morning. I think if I were doing a 180 on it I wouldn't have brought it up at all as it probably doesn't matter much right now. I think I am getting caught up in the distance/pursuit game, but not realizing it till after.
When W and I had the conversation where she told me she had been thinking about things and realized her behavior (and all the stuff I mentioned before), I felt then that we had turned a bit of a corner. She explained she wanted more openness between us and not to walk on eggshells around each other and not to sweep things under the rug. Things were good for a week or so, but then when I had something that was bothering me I felt compelled to say something about it (not in an angry way, just bring it up), but I think that was probably a bad decision in retrospect.
The last few days have been hard because although she hasn't been monstering at me, she is a bit distant again. Not totally gone, but its obvious that she is still trying to decide whether we should be trying to work on things or go ahead and split. She told me that she wanted to work on things but that she thought that maybe we were just in a lull in our relationship, but that she didn't want to keep hurting me like this.
Now I am thinking that I was maybe starting to get a handle on dropping the rope (not completely but getting close with effort), but then got sucked back in with a conversation initiated by her that was different than what we have had up to now.
After thinking for a little bit that maybe we were on the upswing, its hard to go back to realizing that we weren't and that I let myself get sucked in to the distance/pursuit game despite knowing that's how it works. I wish I didn't love her so much, but at tis point I don't even know why I still do. She has told me that I am a good father, a good man, and a good husband and that it isn't anything about me...its her. She isn't even outright blaming me for anything. Just being true to her "feelings".
Now I'm back trying to get a handle on detaching and living with a W that says she wants things to work but just isn't feeling it. I DO NOT want to leave my home because of how she feels, but I'm just not sure how to keep living with her without getting caught up in her emotional turmoil. It seems like things could get better if we spent some time apart, but I won't leave my kids and she doesn't show signs of leaving either.
It is so difficult to live with someone in MLC. Does anyone actually reconcile when the S doesn't move out? I've read so many reconciliation stories, but they are all from a spouse that has moved out and wants to return home. I can't recall reading any stories of reconciliation from people who don't leave.
It is so difficult to detach because they are always there to remind you of the situation, either through words or behavior. And then on the days it isn't as bad, I can't help but just wait for the other shoe to drop. I feel like I am living on the edge all the time. I know I just need to detach and GAL, but sometimes I make headway with that and others it seems like an insurmountable task. Then there is a touch and go that makes it even harder, regardless of it I recognize what it is. Knowing what I need to do but not being able to do it make me feel like a failure (I know I'm not but I have to push myself down from that feeling). I wish I didn't feel so stuck all the time.
Hey buddy, I feel you. My heads still spinning from the past four months of back and forth threats then remorse from my wife. I called her bluff a few days ago, told her I wanted to essentially time share the house and kids but otherwise live as roommates at most if she refused to move out. Now she's finally come clean with more of the emotional affair and, I think (hope) wants to work on things. I'll let you know if we're really able to reconcile without moving out.
Like you, I feel stuck and trapped so often. It's so hard to detach emotionally while still trying to keep the door ajar for the wayward spouse.
Good luck to you sir.
Me: 43 She: 43 Married 14 Together 20 D7 S6 Separation bomb Dec 2017 Reconciled 3 weeks later Jan 2018 Second separation bomb April 2018
Jase, thank you. I do not wish anyone this misery, but since you are already in it, its nice to have a sympathetic ear. I know Gordie is in the same boat. I really hope you guys make it through this thing with the outcome that makes you the happiest, whatever that might be.
Jase, I don’t think I’ve read your thread. Think I’ll head over to your neck of the woods to catch up a little.
I really am not very good at this standing thing. I'll go for a week or 2 of just cordial interaction and things seem to be ok, and then I wake up one day (like today) feeling somewhat like before BD and am sweet to her again. Maybe initiate intimate contact (not just sex, anything really). Then I get to be reminded that she isn't interested. Seems like I should have learned my lesson by now. Not even sure why I still want to try. Who likes being treated this way? If I were dating someone and they treated me that way I would drop them without looking back. Why do I still want to be with HER when treated like this?
The tricky part is that her behavior compared to others is so mild. She isn't super mom like she used to be, but she is still taking care of that responsibility. She doesn't take care of the house like she used to, but she does still help out. She isn't going out drinking with friends like she was at first, she isn't in an A, she isn't spending crazy amounts of money, etc. All that leads me to a false sense of hope that things are getting better. She does still focus a lot on her looks, plays on her phone for hours, although somewhat present with the kids...still a bit distant, and is not interested in a relationship with me without a reasonable excuse. She just has to be "true" to herself. She seems to have the MLC mindset while reigning in the crazier behavior. So, its hard for me because many things have returned to something a little more normal, but still nothing for me. If we had a bad relationship or something substantial that I had done to her I think I could understand it more...
Something has to give...I can't do this forever. At this point I am kind of hoping that she will move out so that I can recover myself a little. I'm just not sure I can do it while she is here. I know her moving out make me feel better initially, but I think with time I could detach better and move on. Maybe not...I'm just tired of feeling rejected, neglected, and confused.
I don't know if this will help or not, but it is a trick I used that worked for me. Can you try to imagine that she had a bad car accident and has had brain damage. It is temporary but for now her personality and memory are altered. She may look and even act the same sometimes but she isn't. Only trick is there is no external visible sign of the damage.
If you can't then you definitely will need space to get your footing.
What a great idea, Marvin! Gonna try that when I have the clarity to remember it. My friend just told me to think of my H as a talking doll who has a few set responses that it blurts out when pushed a certain way but that don't mean anything and that certainly wouldn't warrant a coherent response. Thought that was a good one! She even said, in response to my worry about H being at D9's birthday party, that of course a little girl wants her talking doll in the corner but I still didn't have to worry about actually interacting with the doll in a real way.
I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord with courage. Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
Having been in this journey for over five years, I see your impatience as something that is enslaving you. She is your wife, who you intended to marry until death parted you; so why can't you just let her go for a year? If she was in the military and left for a year and you couldn't even get letters from her or express your feelings in letters, would you divorce her? I know that the GAL thing is hard to do but under any circumstance, it's your only choice and it will help you stop noticing everything she does and says. But having lived through this for a long time, my advice is to stop trying to do anything. Accept that she is gone. If you have to, write one note explaining that you'll be here if she ever decides to come back and you respect her choice. And then detach. I detached all these years only half way,I think, and now I have to start all over again. Just let her go. find out what it means to be alone and even to be celibate for a season. There are other things that make you who you are, let those bear fruit. I assure you that it's going to change you for the better to choose solitude not as a victim but with conviction. I am getting tired too, but living through something much worse. But even if your sitch gets worse, all the more reason to practice this. The constantly being on her phone also gives me pause; in my experience in my M and with other M's I know of, that doesn't bode so well. Say, I am going to give myself six months to just be alone and discover who I am, and take more time alone and create a safe spot in your house that you can be when you need to not deal with the hurt, some kind of man cave that you really enjoy. Maybe when the six months are up, you can add another six months. Anyway, sending you a ton of strength and love and encouragement to be very patient.
I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord with courage. Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
Looks like I got the ghost post too. Was typing from an iPad. Tried copy/paste from notepad and still a no go. Switched over to a computer browser. Guess it was something to do with the iOS. I'll add my full post shortly...
lol...no go again. I copied/pasted, removed extra lines, checked for weird characters, and used an internet browser. That post was not meant to be I guess.
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
I think you still expect your w to act like your w
Expectations are hurting you
You cannot do this forever
You can do this today
And you can move in with her present
It is somerhing that happens inside of you
No matter what your circumstances
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
If I suspect she might be cheating without any specific evidence, is there reason to find out for sure? I of course feel like I need to know, but what are your thoughts?
You are right on the money Gordie. Expectations are killing me. Trying...but this old dog is having trouble learning new tricks. I understand them, but implementing seems an impossible task for me.
I never had to snoop or find out because w told me directly
Do you need to know
What would that do for you
Would that embolden you
I am a fan of asking directly
But I do not know your dynamics well enough if that would work for you
The expectations thing is hard
It is related to the saying your old m is dead even if you are not divorced
Only then can you get to zero and even then it is hard
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Thank you Gordie! I appreciate you thinking of me and checking on me. I'm doing OK. I'll post just that and try for a longer follow up in another comment.
I understand your frustration with the disappearing postings. Everyone is frustrated w/this nonsense. Cadet and I have had several email communications with Virginia about the matter and the IT folks are aware of the problem. As of today, I haven't heard anything more about the issue, but we are entering week three of this glitch. Everyone is trying different things to see what will work for them. As a moderator, I too have had a couple of missing postings...so whatever the issue is, it's not affecting one or two people, but a number of posters across the forum.
All we can do is ask for your patience while we wait for answers/responses from Colorado.
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Not that things are better between us, I just dont feel the attachment I was feeling and am not being triggered by her every move
doesnt feel like this will be the fix for us but more like the beginning of the end. Nice not to feel so down though. Finally feel like I might pull through ok. I always KNEW I would just didnt feel it.
The more you can separate your own healing process the better
Great you are not watching and reacting to her every move
That is exhausting and fruitless
How is your GAL
How are your friendships
How is your spirit
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Sending lots of positive thoughts and encouragement your way buddy. May I ask if she articulated what prompted the D talk after you guys seemed to have turned a corner a few weeks ago?
This too has happened to me numerous times since December, but now I'm cautiously optimistic my W is out of her fog and is committed to making things right.
Like you, I think it's only natural that we have trouble keeping up the guard when they say the things we so want to believe...but self-preservation requires us to look out for ourselves first.
Me: 43 She: 43 Married 14 Together 20 D7 S6 Separation bomb Dec 2017 Reconciled 3 weeks later Jan 2018 Second separation bomb April 2018
I think I am done standing. W is making the arrangements to move out and planning on telling the kids this weekend. I just dont think I want to make it work with her anymore after this. I am just not sure how I can love her and forgive her again after doing this to our family. Time will tell I suppose but pretty sure I'm done. Sad for the loss of my family unit but done standing for my marriage.
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Thank you guys. I feel like I have let go of her emotionally but the split will be tearing up the family and that is whats hard now. She wants split custody of the kids and she hasnt done anything bad enough to fight her on that. So now I get to see my kids less due to this mess. That is the part that grieves me now. I imagine she will want to come back at some point but I am not sure how much I will want that after doing this to our family. I know I will feel differently in time but thats how I feel now.
I really appreciate the support in this dark time.
Peace and hugs back at you guys. Wish I knew you guys IRL. The support I get here feels more real sometimes than the suppot I get from friends and family. They are biased towards me and I know it. Makes me not really want to dump my stuff on them. I know they are on my side and I know what they think.
You would do the same for them which is listen and support you
I know you would
There are some friends who have stopd by me in a way thst i never thought possible
But i had to open up to them for that to happen
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
SJohn, I have not been following your sitch, but I just want to say that I have been where you are many times, that the disgust at their behavior gets so intense that you feel like even if they wanted to come back, you don't want them anymore. I have walked through that fire many times, but when I give it to God, He always reminds me that it's of course not possible for me to want him anymore, only God can make that possible for me when the time is right. I think that the secular version of that would be that true detachment means letting her go but keeping your heart in a place of forgiveness for the sake of your kids watching your example.
When my H even talks about taking my kids for one night, I feel like I am going to die of terror and horror. In my case, I would be concerned that he would not actually take care of them, certainly not emotionally. But I totally understand how you feel, the absurdity if having your kids ripped from you when it's not you who wants to dismantle anything. It feels so unfair and so violating. I keep standing but I totally understand what you are feeling; you are a loving father and they are lucky to have you! My H is in home but hasn't had a relationship with our kids or provided even an apple for them in 5 or 6 years. And he says it's my fault for that too. Your W doesn't know what she is doing or saying right now. A day will come when she will realize the damage she has done.
I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord with courage. Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
P.S. Sjohn, If you are near Friendswood, TX, I do know of a standers group there, since you said you wished you had people IRL like those on the boards. They will encourage you to stand, so maybe not what you are looking for, but they will understand your sitch IRL.
I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord with courage. Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
Thank you guys for your support. Ive been staying off the boards the ast couple weeks because sometimes reading all the posts gives comfort, but sometimes it serves as a painful reminder of all the possibilities.
I think I finally know what it feels like to be detached. When I first started feeling like that, it felt more like just not wanting to stand anymore and being ready to move on. I still kind of feel that way, but I now am realizing that regardless of how I feel now that my feelings can change based on the circumstances. I just know that I do not want to live with things how they are now. I need a change. For now that could be W moving out, later it might mean reconciling. Reconciling now is not possible due to Ws feelings and behaviour but I have no idea how it would be differrent if she actually wanted to try. I may not want to but I also realize Im viewing that possibility with her in the mindset she is in now.
Recently I started thinking about what it would be like to be with someone who just loved me for who I am now without needing me to change. It made me think about all the backbending and mental gymnastics Ive done in the last 18 months to try and make her happy and it made me sad. Relationships take work but I feel like I deserve to be with someone who loves me and wants to be with me for who I am.
W decided that it would be good to tell the kids about her moving out a few minutes before we left for her dads lake house on Memorial day. I have no idea how that seems like the right time to drop the bomb on them. She has compartmentalized everything to a degree that she thinks this seperation is only going to affect her and I. The kids took it OK at first, but Ive noticed their disapproval in their actions over the last week.
Ive also started noticing Ws behaviour more and seeing it for what it is. Being more detached allows me to see the depression and insecurity in the things she does. She is broken in a way that I had a hard time seeing before. As adamant as she is about moving out, she is dragging it out. She is still living at home while looking at houses periodically. She is also taking the kids to look at houses as she wants them to help her pick it out. They seem reluctant to do that. I even told her that I didnt think it was good for her to have the kids help her pick out the house she was leaving their father for. She didnt like that comment but I really didnt care at that point what she thought.
Im not feeling so depressed anymore but I still feel sad about my family and indifferent towards W. Mornings are hard because I end up dreaming about W and waking up feeling anxious. After a few minutes I get my head back on straight but I hate waking up that way. I know change is on the horizon, just wish it could get here already. I hate the limbo.
Oh, and I'm in north texas, Gerda. I appreciate the standing group offer. If that wasnt a 5 hour drive Id totally join that group.
sjohn, what part of NTX are you in. I am in SETX just outside of Houston, but get up to the DFW area somewhat regularly. Are you in that area?
Me 49 W46 T25 M22 S22 D18 S13 W had EA Apr-Jul 2016 Dropped Bomb 7/9/16 ILYBINILWYA HER DIVORCE IS FINAL...8/18/17 Dropping the rope to SURVIVE & THRIVE!!!
Wow...yes, I am in DFW. Specifically on the Ft Worth side. I was in Houston a couple months back for sons volleyball tournament. Next time your up this way hit me up!
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Thanks Gordie. Ive stopped doing the pretzel dance. It isnt worth it. I think the change in me happened when I finally accepted that she was moving out and that our marriage was over. That wasn't something that I could talk myself in to understanding, it just had happened. Now I dont need to bend over backwards because whats the point if its over. I realize I never actually needed to, and that the marriage may not actually be over, but that realization is more of a theoretical one, the feeling that I have is that I don't need to act that way and that it is over.
Kids are doing OK, but hard to tell sometimes. They are strong willed and it takes a lot to ruffle their feathers. What I am pretty sure is going on with them is that they dont like the fact that she is moving, they dont like how she acts, and they dont want to live in 2 places, but they roll with the flow. D acts out a bit towards wife, although not always. The relationship is strained but not broken. S doesnt really show any negative signs (other than the day she told them she was moving out) but when I am able to get him to open up a little, he doesnt like what she is doing either. I feel like the kids and I are a happy family and W is more like a cool aunt with them.
Sad and interesting thing came up a couple days ago. We were out having diner with Ws brother and his family (her family loves me and is totally on my side even though they support her decisions because they love her too) and W got a call that caused her to get up from the table teary eyed and go outside to continue the call. The call was from her other brother and he was calling after a memorial service for another family member out of state. In chatting with family, he had discovered that their father (who we still are close with-his lake house referenced above) had some sort of sexual relations with their cousin while she stayed with them when younger. I believe she was at least of age (not that it makes it much better) but it was not mutual desire. Her brother was upset and called W to see if their dad had ever done anything to W. W admitted that he would often have inappropriate intimate cuddling and touching, but it was never actually sexual. I believe more has come to the surface and the family is now up in arms about it all. W is in the process of trying to move out so I am not really privy to all the conversations, but this is family history that I did not know about.
Last night I was sitting on the back porch and W came out and sat too. After a while she asked if I was OK. I thought it a weird question as she does not ask this and I don't think I had done anything to indicate that there was anything wrong. I said I was good and then asked how she was (think she was fishing for me to ask). She explained about having a conversation with her mom about the stuff with her dad and meeting with her brother and cousin over the weekend to talk. Also said her dad had been calling her but that she had not answered or called back. I told her that I was sorry that she had to deal with that and it must be difficult. Tried to just listen, she was obviously distressed. I didnt try to solve anything or offer suggestions, just tried to listen and validate.
This conversation and the revelation of the stuff with her dad and childhood has really got me thinking. I still feel detached from her emotionally, but I find myself wondering if this is some of the stuff that helped cause her MLC to begin with...if this is maybe the childhood trauma that she needs to work through. Guess it doesnt matter that much as she has to work through what she has to work through and it may or may not mean anything in regards to our relationship, but I cant help but wonder.
Well, Ive written another book here. Maybe I should post more often so each one doesnt have to be a novel.
Absolutely think it has everything to do with the situation
If you are close to her dad
I also think that complicated things for the both of you
You say she is done
But she still talks to you
I think that means she is not done despite what she says
This is a very hard road now
But moving out is not the end
Maybe it is the space you need for this part of the journey
Peace
Last edited by job; 06/07/1811:21 PM. Reason: edited per the poster
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Gordie, I thought the same thing after reading your updates, that we are going through some similar stuff.
When W discusses the whole moving out thing, she seems to position it as she is trying to separate herself from me to minimize the pain she is causing me. She doesnt seem to think it will necessarily make her happy (not that she says anyways). She even said recently that she worries that some point in the future she will see me with someone else and Ill be happy and it will be hard for her...and this is after telling me she cant change the way she feels about me. She also indicates she will miss living at our house. Such a weird thought process. She seems to be spiraling downwards. I realize that she isn't necessarily done with me, but I worry that this will have me done with her. I did not cause her sadness and depression, but she did cause mine.
I find myself reevaluating our relationship recently. Im starting to wonder if she ever really loved me in a meaningful way. She seems to have always kept me at arms length. She has never been very affectionate and its always been me to initiate intimacy between us. When she first started up with her MLC script she talked about us drifting apart and not doing stuff together or being very affectionate towards each other. I took that to heart and tried to make it better, and of course that didnt work. What I didnt realize until recently is that she never did any of that. She never romances me or tried to bring a spark back. I know she cared for me, but I am not sure if she is even capable of loving me the way I loved her. I dont know, maybe Im starting to rewrite history to help me get through this, or maybe Im finally starting to see things from an outside perspective instead of from my own. I always loved her and was happy (despite her inability to open up much) and I just assumed she was too.
Today she told me she found a house so I guess she will finally be moving out soon. I have been spending time thinking about all the stuff I want to do with the house. Ive actually already started. Kind of getting excited about cleaning out all the clutter and decorating and rearranging the house to my liking. W isnt a slob, but she isnt near as tidy as I am. Looking forward to cleaning out all the clutter and getting things just the way I like them. D and I have been repainting her room to a color she picked out. We have been having a great time doing it.
I feel like I am slowly climbing my way out of my funk and depression despite W moving out, and she seems to be spiraling downwards. Her replay antics seem to be pretty much non existent these days. I think she might be in the depression/withdrawal stage. Not that where she is at means as much to me now since she is leaving, but hard not to notice. Mainly hard because it seems that if she is stopping all the crazy behavior and mainly just depressed that she wouldnt still be so adamant to leave, but I guess that is just rational thinking on my part...cant really expect that.
@sjohns6 ultimately only you will know if you are done with her. But I can tell you that I have felt all the same things you say, and I alternate between caring and now. I think its all part of the process, just give yourself time and space and let it sort out. Honestly once you actually are separated out and don't interact with her you may gain more clarity.
As for love I have realized that my wife's definition of love is very different than mine. I do believe she loved and loves me, but she does not have a full mature grasp of what love is, or that in entails actual work and commitment, I think its just a feeling for her. Is this at all like your wife?
Keep you mind open that once and if she goes through the MLC process and matures she may offer a solid adult version of love. It then will be up to you whether you are still interested, but sometimes looking at the past makes us realize we have been deluding ourselves. But then again I think this is true of any relationship.
Marvin, thank you. I think what you described about your W is true for mine as well. She cant have spent 20 years with me without loving me. I think you are right, our definition of love is just different. I hope, for her sake if not for mine too, that after she finishes her journey through MLC land that she DOES have a more mature sense of what love is.
The only thing I know for sure is that I cant go back to the way things were before. If we reconcile at some point, things HAVE to be different in order for it to work for me. Her MLC has woken a dormant part of me. One that needs more out of a relationship than I was getting. I didnt even realize that I was missing anything before, but now that I do I cant dismiss it.
Ive read up on your sitch, Marvin. I dont think Ive posted to you before, but I typed something to you the other day but got distracted before having time to click Submit. Sorry about that. Think I'' head over to your thread now
We did not break them and despite our wishes we cannot fix them
The stuff with her dad would definitely mess up her sense of love and sexuality
How could it not
I have felt the same as you
That we are beyond the point of return
It is part of he process of letting go
Bht you never know what the future holds
And yes please make the home your home for you and the kids
Just the way you want it
Peace
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Hi sjohns, just dropping by to say thank you for commenting on my thread!
I was just catching up on your sitch and see that this is the second time your W is moving. This must be so tough on you and your kids. I know it was the worst time of my life.
I also agree about seeing things in your marriage that should you reconcile, you would not want to go back to. I guess that is the reason why some posters who do reconcile say that their marriage is much stronger now.
Hugs (((sjohns)))
Me - 47 H - 45 D-16 M - 6 years Separated - May 16
Don't leave me behind can't you see me I'm shining... (Years & Years - 'Shine')
Hey guys. Decided I needed to journal a little. I find myself having to take time off the boards on occasion.
Coly, thanks for stopping by and taking the time to catch up with me. Yeah, this is Ws 2nd time moving out. The first time was a trial separation where we were working on our relationship. This time she is just moving out. Not sure where it will lead. I think you are right about people describing the relationship being better than ever for those that successfully reconcile. It would have to be to even want to reconcile.
Gordie, I agree about the stuff with her dad. How could it not affect her. She even admitted in recent conversation that she though that she had intimacy issues and problems with getting close to people. The hard part about that realization now is that I am at that point where that doesnt matter to me. I know its part of letting go but it almost feels like too much to deal with. I see that those issues are most likely the crux of her issues, but in her state I dont see how she is ever going to work her way through that, and based on how I feel now it doesnt seem to be my issue to worry about anyways. I guess it was never my issue to worry about anyways except that I am conditioned to care about her well being. I know I dont have a crystal ball and dont know what the future holds. I know that it is possible that once we are apart for a length of time, and if she ever came to me with an earnest desire to fix things and is remorseful for her treatment of me that I might feel differently. The idea of that happening just seems like such a fantasy that its hard to imagine it.
W is still moving out. She is taking such a long time doing this it is like torture. She found a place, signed a lease, got the keys, and began moving. She made the decision to move almost 2 months ago and is ALMOST to a point where she can live there. Im ready for her to be moved out. Her slowly moving things from place to place while still being around everyday is very difficult. Not difficult in the sense that her actions are causing me emotional distress, but difficult in the sense that I accepted the idea of her moving weeks ago and am now having to live daily with her still there while slowly moving out. I cant really even start reorganizing the house the way I want until she is gone. I am STILL in limbo. On top of that, I know that I am about to lose my kids 50% of the time. So for now, I really want to be with them as much as I can. To the extent that I dont really want to go do anything while I know they are home. Ive kind of put my GAL activities on hold until she moves out, but I thought that would be done by now. I mainly figured that very soon Ill have a lot of free time and I would do all my personal stuff then.
I am hoping that by this weekend she will be moved out to the degree that she can stay there. Im tired of her sleeping on the couch. I never asked her to sleep on the couch, she does that by choice. I swear, half the stuff she does and decisions she makes I just dont understand. I know her moving out wont solve all my problems, but I spend lots of time with the kids. When we are hanging out and she isnt around, things are easier. I think that Ill be able to move on faster once shes actually out, although I know there will be a hard part at first to get past. I am already anxious to be on the other side of that part and it hasnt even started yet.
Gosh, sjohn, I am so sorry you are going through this. And BELIEVE ME, I understand. I am living with a waffler for five years now.
If you have a chance to read my post on DnJ's thread from just now, i was talking about the confusion that seems so obvious in his W's behavior. I see the exact same thing here. I would see her waffling and inability to actually take the action she wants to take as a good thing, if you want restoration, because it's seems obvious that she is in a battle with herself. If all of her wanted to leave, she would not stay in such an awkward and horrible and uncomfortable situation, nor leave her kids in such an agonizing limbo.
Sometimes when I am tempted to want to D, I think about my kids having to be with my H without me and then I feel thankful that he has not left. I think your feelings on that front are spot on.
The only thing I would encourage, just so you can heal, is to take a very short time each day to disappear and do something you enjoy. Not at all to have any reaction on her but to give yourself a little time of space and healing every day. I do this in prayer; if you pray, make sure to make time for that, preferably in a sacred space or nature. But also it could be something like getting up an hour early to go for a bike ride on the river or sit in a favorite cafe reading a favorite book or magazine, just to find something to do each day that is all your own and will give you a chance to breathe without watching her playing head games with her two selves.
Sending lots of compassion and understanding your way.
I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord with courage. Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
P.S. If you don't have an hour to give after the kids go to sleep or before they wake up, I would say to even just take ten minutes a day to go for a walk on your own or do something that is out of the house and away from the ugliness, so you can give your mind something else to look at. It's the only way to have a little healing time just for you. It will help you be stronger when you are back in the insane asylum called Home with MLCer.
But honestly I think it's great that she is still there and that if you can muster the courage to be thankful for it until she actually goes, you can take ownership of her, just give her to God and let her come, go, whatever, you are walking your journey with love and joy no matter what she does. (I know, I know, so hard! But it's the goal.)
I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord with courage. Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
Agree with your desire to spend as much time with the kids as possible
But when the kids are not home or asleep
No reason for you to be there
Please please please take care of yourself
You are in the worst of this
And I know how painful that can be
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Gerda, you are such a sweetheart. Thank you for the kind words of encouragement. Ive been trying to take time for myself but it is tricky under the current circumstances. I think you are right about it being a good sign that she was still there because her waffling means that she isnt sure about any of her decisions. If she was ready to split and be done then she would have done that quickly, not drag it out over the course of months.
Gordie, thank for the encouragement. I am trying to make time for myself too but just had a hart time unplugging from everything. Im on the verge of having more time because It turns out the evening that I wrote my last comment W stayed at her new place for the first time. I was surprised because she didnt have a bed set up. She slept on her couch. Its hard to understand why sleeping on a couch in an empty house is prefereable to being in the family home. I Kind of understand after reading first hand MLC stories from people who have recovered but it is still pretty crazy.
Since then W has moved almost all her stuff. We spent the weekend splitting up stuff from the house and her moving out. She almost has everything she is taking. I imagine she will be finished today or tomorrow. The other hard part is that the kids have stayed with her at various points in the last few days. Not together at the same time, but separately as they needed rides or to help out with something.
I want my kids to be happy, but secretly and selfishly I want them to not want to go over there. As they get rooms set up over there, they seem to not mind spending time there as much. Not sure if I would admit it anywhere else but it kills me inside that they are ok with going there. I want them to hate it, but I want them to be happy too. We havent even started splitting their time 50 50 yet, how am I ever going to get used to this? The kids havent experienced 50 50 yet either. No telling how they will feel once it starts.
I guess the silver lining will be that with them at her house I will have more me time. I feel like I dont even care about that although I know it is important. I feel like I have detached in the sense that her individual actions and behaviors are not triggering direct emotional responses and I dont feel that anxious depressive feeling, but I do feel sad. Not as much about W, but the loss of family unit and kid time. I want things with W to be better too but I feel like Ive accepted that for what it is. Now I have more to accept.
I think you might be right Gordie, this might be the worst of it.
Well today I am feeling much better than yesterday. The initial shock of splitting all our stuff was difficult, but its just stuff so the feeling faded fairly quickly. Now I have plenty to work on. The walls in the house are bare and so is the living room furniture. Now its time to find some art for the walls, plants to replace the old ones, and some decorative furniture to fill in the gaps in the living room. W took the dining room table too, but the kids want to turn that room in to an art/workout room so that will be a little easier to decorate. I am not an interior designer by any sense, so figuring out my feng shui will be interesting. I have no idea how to decorate the living room. Luckily, this old dog can still learn new tricks.
Next week son has nationals for volleyball in Phoenix. It falls over the 4th so it will be an interesting holiday. I will be taking him. Since he will be with his team for most of the time so I will kind of be running solo most of the time. Any ideas of something to do in Phoenix for someone running solo?
But once I got over the fear I got excited about it
I suggest you do a lot of research before buying
Read online or the library or a bookstore and just browse magazines or sign up to receive decorating catalogues
Google bachelor pad decorating or cool kids rooms and figure out what you love
Give away anything from your old life that does not please you
Rearrange the home and furniture just the way you like and keep changing it until you love it
Best wishes and glad you are feeling better
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Hey Gordie. I'm doing pretty good today. I went for a stretch where I thought I was done. Not in a mad way, just...detached I guess. I was feeling up and was not concerned with W and really could not picture wanting to reconcile. Then, I woke up and felt down. Nothing really happened. Well, that isn't true...I saw my W. We haven't really been talking and I only see her when we exchange the kids. They have mainly been with me, but she finally wanted to start swapping them. So I went for a week with next to no communication (I will respond when she reaches out but she hasn't been doing that) and then saw her to swap the kids. It went fine. We had a little light chit chat and then she left. The next few days I felt really down. No particular thing happened other than me realizing I was not as detached as I thought I was. But today I feel good again.
I still feel so torn over whether to wait this thing out or move on. I mean I know all the things I need to do for myself, but I feel like it wouldn't take much to shift my thinking and just be done with her, whether she comes around or not. I have loved her most of my life, but how can I be with someone who can leave me like that...as if we meant nothing. That isn't love, and even if she comes back around, do I want to be with someone who is capable of doing that? I'm not capable of that and how do I know that if she comes back around at some point she won't do it again. I love her enough to wait, but I'm just not sure if I should.
That's how I've been feeling today. I guess that changes back and forth over time. Been enjoying my time with the kids. we get along so well these days and have lots of fun together. Initially we were eating out a bit, but for the last week I've gotten back in to cooking. Its been nice. Also redecorated the house a little. I'm really starting to like it again. It was looking a bit sparse after she moved out since she took a bunch of stuff.
Thank you guys for being here and offering all the advice and support. I wish I could give half of the advice and support you guys show.
sjohn,sometimes I get on those kicks, but really, what is it you need to decide now? You are not ready to start dating, so really that's the only thing you are missing. You want to feel some kind of confidence in deciding in order to feel better but you don't really have anything to decide right now since you are on your own right now either way. What you need to do is heal, so for now you want to be alone anyway. You need to learn how to let her go, and that will be probably the only way you can allow her back in anyway too. Only time can teach you that.
I am on year five with an in-house prodigal and I think for the first time I am learning how to let him go but it is being helped by the fact that I don't feel that I want to be with my H. I love it when he is out of town and I am trying to leave town more often myself. I just keep walking by faith as far as standing for the marriage, that when the time comes that he wants to come back, I can at that point move to a new way of being, for not I am just not trying to divorce, not thinking of other men, just being on my own, trying to take joy in this life, in my kids when they let me. If my H ever tries to come back, I will be open to it and at that point begin re-opening my heart.
I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord with courage. Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
Thanks Gerda. I'm not sure why I feel the need to make a decision now. I think you are right, I might feel like I need to decide in order to help myself move forward. I am moving a little bit, but I think the taste of some minor detachment has caused me to want to make bigger strides in that direction. Realizing that is why I feel that way will help I think. I know that I can't rush my way through healing, even if I may want that. At this point I still have a hard time visualizing any kind of reconciliation, but I guess that does't matter as I probably don't even need to be thinking about that. That line of thinking is keeping me from myself. I can at least say that I don't spend all day thinking about that like I did previously. Now it just pops up here and there and I deal with it as I can. I think I've just been going through a phase the last few days where that has been my line of thinking. Between yesterday and today I can feel myself shifting out of that again...its an ongoing process.
I'm not sure how you have handled a live in for 5 years. You are a pillar of strength and a real inspiration. Thank you for being you and sharing your experiences with me and others. I really just need to focus on being ok with being alone. The last 20 years of a relationship I think has caused me to be addicted to being with someone. I am starting to get used to and like being alone, but I'm still working on feeling that way every day.
I still feel so torn over whether to wait this thing out or move on. I mean I know all the things I need to do for myself, but I feel like it wouldn't take much to shift my thinking and just be done with her, whether she comes around or not. I have loved her most of my life, but how can I be with someone who can leave me like that...as if we meant nothing. That isn't love, and even if she comes back around, do I want to be with someone who is capable of doing that? I'm not capable of that and how do I know that if she comes back around at some point she won't do it again. I love her enough to wait, but I'm just not sure if I should.
Those are all valid feelings and thoughts.
Gerda is correct, you do not need to decide anything right now.
I understand the torn feeling between waiting and moving on. So maybe do both. Stand and move forward.
You are right it probably wouldn’t take much to shift your thinking and be done with her. But would it hold? How long until it shifted back? When you want to change your thinking do it for you. Make changes not in an effort to be done with her, make changes for the betterment of yourself. Those will hold. Those will last.
Feeling and thoughts, so fleeting. Give it time, feelings do change. Allow your beliefs to form, you will find answers and direction.
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
sjohn,I am not a pillar of anything! I just take all my fear, despair, bitterness, vengefulness to God and cry and scream and beg it all out to Him. I do this every day, sometimes many times a day. And in return for that obedience, He gives me some peace and clarity in between, and that is what you are seeing.
I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord with courage. Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
Last edited by job; 07/23/1808:32 PM. Reason: added link to new thread
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I'm a talker and want to make a long post
