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Link to part 1

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2777846#Post2777846

Originally Posted By: 25yearsmlc
Please see a lawyer asap and then get a plan - EVEN IF you want to stay married. Knowledge is power.

Meet and talk with a L and you do not need to retain a lawyer but you do need info. Especially with a special needs son.


Thank you 25, I will look into an L. We live in a small town (well, kids and I do now, H moved down to bigger city), so I may have to look in other cities. But my boss's H is an attorney, I'm sure he'd be able to point me in the right direction. I have been looking into divorce involving adult Special needs children, and H may end up paying child support for forever. Pretty sure that's not even on his radar (even though he says he will always take care of me and s21, no matter what). He does pay me every week. But, like I stated in my first thread, I am getting my ducks in a row.

Originally Posted By: 25yearsmlc
In your case, there is a part of you that sees your h's historic self indulgence and in my case, a lot of what my T has helped me see, is how much my needs were shelved and I felt I could take it, I could fill my love tanks "later",

but there was no "later". I was never to get "my turn", in my m. I thought we were past his irrational Alaskan obsession and I felt that he'd reward my loyalty and devotion and endless forgiving, but I was wrong.

I became the touchstone for him to do whatever he wanted, and know the home fires would still burn and the kids would be okay.


I understand the "shelving" of my needs. I have put ME on the back burner to take care of everyone else.

And I figured out that I'm in a weird type of the angry stage. I'm not angry at H, anger isn't going to do me a bit of good. I don't need to be angry, H is angry enough at the world for both of us.


Me-44,H-44
S21,S19,S17,D13
M-22,T-29 (off and on prior to M)
BD:12-20-17 (H said he had things to work out in his head)
H moved out:3-4-18
Joined: Jan 2018
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10 days now, no R talks. Not that I've been the one to initiate any of the recent ones. H still won't go more than 24 hours without contacting me. I haven't initated hardly any contact, other than last week for details on my surgery.

H texted last night, wants to come up for dinner to see the kids. I told him Friday is fine, since I'm not really cooking during the week, taking it easy still after surgery. This morning he texted that he will come up early Friday and cook for me. Not sure what to make of that, since he has only cooked once or twice a year for the last 10 or 15 years.

Part of me wants this whole mess to be over, because I know how manipulative he is. I happened to look at cell phone logs recently, I think I've figured out which number is OW, but she might have 2 numbers. Texting with both numbers is EXTREMELY frequent, going back to late November (3 weeks prior to BD). I honestly don't know if I could ever trust him again, regardless if he were to fight for MR.

The other part of me wants to just see what he ends up doing, then make the decision. As my brother said to me last night, that bridge is not in front of me so I can't cross it yet. But he did also advise me to consult a lawyer, to protect myself and my kids.

Let me just say that if he has been having A since November, prior to BD, and the kids find out, they will hate him. D13's best friend is going through same thing pretty much. Her mother walked out day after Thanksgiving, family later found out mother having A, now kids hate her, refuse to see her. I won't be the one to tell my kids anything, I am trying my hardest to not say anything negative about H to them or in front of them. But if they ask, I'm not sure what I should say to them.


Me-44,H-44
S21,S19,S17,D13
M-22,T-29 (off and on prior to M)
BD:12-20-17 (H said he had things to work out in his head)
H moved out:3-4-18
Joined: Feb 2018
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Meg I'm truly sorry for everything that H is putting your through at the moment and all the unanswered questions...

BUT - the very best thing you can do for your kids is to make sure they understand that this is a very adult situation and their job is to remain carefree children for as long as possible. Maybe they don't have the close relationship with their father as they do with you and perhaps he hasn't been the most hands on dad... but he is their dad and I'm sure he loves them.

You will need to go above and beyond to share your grief and disappointment in M with your adult friends and only show yourself as being supportive and down right corrective if need be of your children's and H's relationship. It will be very difficult on your part but your kids will respect you later on for it.

I will give you three examples - all from personal experience.

********************************************

I was 21yr old when my parents divorced. In my heart I held my dad responsible because he is the one that had the affair but to be honest I had no idea what it was like being married to my mother... :-). During the separation and divorce my mother often called me up to complain about my father endlessly ranging from times they dated in high school up to the end of their 22yr M. One day I finally just simply stated to my mother that I was sorry for her pain and disappointment but he was still my dad and faults and all I still loved him.

She truly apologized and while she stopped pulling ME into the M issues she still drug my adult brother (20yr) to the court hearing. Thank goodness the judge had the sense to say children - even adult children should not be present for parents divorce hearing. I'm not angry at my mother. I truly understand that she was going through a horrible time and just needed support but that support should have been a good friend or family member. It shouldn't have been my brother. She should have NEVER asked her children to step in between their parents even as young adults.

That being said I simply adored my dad's second wife - maybe we got along so well because she was only 5yr older than me? And, I loved his 3rd wife. Still see her regularly and she is still a "grandma" to my S16. The woman he is with now is also nice and friendly. Can you see where I'm going??? LOL. I'm not the parent of my dad. I'm his child. His choices are his to make. Am I disappointed - yes, sometimes. But, he's the only dad I have and he loves me and I love him.

My mother went on a married a great guy and they have been married longer than my parents were. He is a much better H for her than my dad ever was.

In fact at my dad's last family Xmas my dad was in Florida for the winter so my mom and her husband went and I took my dad's 3rd wife with me. Now, even if my dad was there he wouldn't have cared. We are a very happy dysfunctional family. :-)

**************************************************

I was essentially a single parent of my child from the minute I got pregnant. I remember being with my S16 when he was 4 at his soccer games and he looked around at all the other families/kids and then asked me "why doesn't my dad ever come to my soccer games?". I just simply said "I do not know, that is something you will have to ask your dad". It was hard because I knew very well why he wasn't there but my job was to cultivate the best relationship possible between my son and his father... and his father never made that easy.

Currently, my son's father moved several states away with his current wife and 4 other children. He sees my son 3 times a year and despite being the age of technology goes months without even a word to S16 - no call, no email, no text. He will come to our state for a week at a time and at most will see S16 for 2hr at dinner. My son is crushed because he would like to see his step-siblings and spend the week with his dad but dad doesan't allow for it. I keep my opinion to myself and just encourage my son to enjoy his time at dinner.

When positive things happen in my son's life - got his drivers license I made sure to tell him to text his dad about it. Should it really be S16's job to text his dad that their team won the championship? NO.... his dad knew when the game was and choose not to be there and choose not to call to see how it played out. But, I will do my best to keep that bridge going because a good parent will take themselves and their personal hurt out of an equation and make it all about the kids.

Trust me - its not easy. Nothing is worse than when S16 was 6-14yr old crying and begging not to go to his dad's (there wasn't much of a relationship there) and I still had to pull up my big girl panties and send him off. Of course, he could call and text me as much as he wanted and I was supportive of his needs as possible - but despite his dad not winning any father of the year awards his dad still loved him. It was my job as and adult regardless of my personal beliefs of what an arse he was that I was not only not to stand in the way of the relationship but that it was up to me to push it forward. Now, with that being said I knew my ex was not going to hurt my child or put my child in any danger.

**********************************************************

My step children are permanently damaged by a parent who used them as a tool against the other parent. My H had multiple affairs in his prior M. They had a very dysfunctional relationship which was not 100% the fault of either, but had 2 children together. When the marriage finally ended the children
were 7 and 9. Too young to understand the actual adult behavior that led to the divorce but their mother made sure they knew it. She would read every email between them regarding adult matters in about divorce, finances and visitation to these small children so they could tell their dad they didn't want to go to X,Y, Z with him.

In the beginning of my relationship with H I used to take her side and tried to stand up for her when they had disagreements but it didn't take me long to see the my H wasn't the problem. It would be time for them to see their dad for visitation and she would take off with the children and refuse him his children knowing that he had planned vacation events. This happened too many times to count... yes you can call police, you can get attorneys and have court dates... that all takes time. Court dates get rescheduled for multiple factors. H had to go more than once for 3 months without seeing his kids because court dates got pushed back multiple times. Of course the judge came down on her harshly but the damage was done - he hadn't seen his kids for 3 months again. H will never get that time back.

Here's an eye opener for you --- SS18 when he was 11yr old. "Dad, how come you never say anything bad about Mom but Mom talks bad about you all the time?" Trust me - my H could have written volumes about bad behavior by their mother in regards to him seeing and having time with his kids but he didn't involve his children in it.

This has gone on for years... and years... My SS18 may or may not graduate high school. It will be close for him but my SD16 will not graduate. After 2yr she only has 4credits of the 40 needed. We just got a letter again this year that both kids are being allowed to miss too many days of school which may also make SS18 ineligible to graduate.

Yes, my H wanted custody and we spent a lot of time and money. There were several road blocks but frankly when you are 12yr old you will tell the judge you don't want to live with the parent that has all rules and expectations - you want to live with the parent who doesn't expect you to behave in school or even go to school, lets you stay out all night (yes at 12) and smoke/have sex in the house because mom is desperate to be your friend so that you will love her rather than be a parent to raise you.

*********************************************************

Meg I know you are a good person and you wouldn't intentionally harm or bias your children, but I hope you can take a step to realize that if your M does indeed implode you will be far more respected by your children years later if you continued to go above and beyond to foster the best relationship possible with them and your H... even if they themselves are against it!!!!

Hugs - hang in there.

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meg24 Offline OP
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I appreciate your encouraging words kitcat. I myself am a child of divorce, my parents divorced when I was just a year old, my older brother and I were raised by our dad. To this day, I have NEVER heard my dad say a single negative word about my mom, even though she was the WAW, without looking back. Dad even offered to R with mom when she was pregnant with baby #3 for OM, and was having problems with said OM. Dad said he would raise baby #3 as his own. So I do have a very good example of how parents should behave for the sake of the children.

It's just hard since I hit the anger stage. I am very upfront with my children, but they don't know the specifics of everything, and I will NOT be the one to tell them about H's A with OW. I'm sure they'll figure it out on their own soon enough. I will be there to listen, as needed. I did tell each one of them that they have to have their own relationship with their Dad, I will no longer be the "middle man" that mom usually is (i.e., telling dad, swearing him to secrecy, about whatever any of the kids have told me in confidence). I have also told all of them that if they are ever angry or upset with me or their father, for whatever reason, they should tell whichever of us, as needed. I fully admit to them my failings. I don't want them to ever be angry that I hid something from them.


Me-44,H-44
S21,S19,S17,D13
M-22,T-29 (off and on prior to M)
BD:12-20-17 (H said he had things to work out in his head)
H moved out:3-4-18
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Meg

I read your posts on another thread and was concerned.

Anger, is fantastic, please please don't knock it.

I know it's tough, and I am always so pleased to read on a posters thread that anger is present. It is a gift, it marks a new stage in the Kubler Ross cycle. Use it, that white anger can drive you on, give you motivation, create real shift. Shift not change, change can change back. Shift is forever.

The aspect of anger to lose is red or green or blue. They represent red rage (with fear), green vengence (with disgust) and blue loathing (with sadness). Anger which is pure is justified and motivating. Diamond bright.

Next secrets. I know that you feel that silence is best, but for many reasons it isn't. Please continue to be upfront with your children about your WH A. They already know it's important and trust they know already. Speculation is worse, and silence undermines your credibility. Your children don't need to know details but they can be told.

It's authentic and will make you credible. Secrets scar.

My thoughts brave lady

V


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


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Originally Posted By: Vanilla
I know it's tough, and I am always so pleased to read on a posters thread that anger is present. It is a gift, it marks a new stage in the Kubler Ross cycle. Use it, that white anger can drive you on, give you motivation, create real shift. Shift not change, change can change back. Shift is forever.

The aspect of anger to lose is red or green or blue. They represent red rage (with fear), green vengence (with disgust) and blue loathing (with sadness). Anger which is pure is justified and motivating. Diamond bright.


Before I even read the description of the red, green or blue anger, I knew white is where I'm at. I am not angry with H in a red, green or blue way. That is not constructive, and will tear me apart. I have too much else to focus on to let that anger in.

Originally Posted By: Vanilla
Next secrets. I know that you feel that silence is best, but for many reasons it isn't. Please continue to be upfront with your children about your WH A. They already know it's important and trust they know already. Speculation is worse, and silence undermines your credibility. Your children don't need to know details but they can be told.


I will not tell the kids outright about about H's A. If they ask, I will not keep it from them. As far as everything else, I don't say anything bad about H. The boys make comments about his personality and behavior (s19 and s17 have had strained relationships with H for a while before BD), and are actually more relaxed, open and social with H no longer in the home.

H is coming for dinner Friday to see the kids, at least that's the reasoning he tells me. At that point it will have been a week since any of us have seen him. H wants our friendship back, he has told me he wants his best friend back, I'll always be his best friend. Frankly, I'm not in a spot to with friends with him. And, if we do end up in D, I don't know if I want to be best friends with someone that has deeply, deeply betrayed me, manipulated me, and hurt me. I don't think he gets that. But at this point, I don't care.

Focus on me, being good for me and my kids.


Me-44,H-44
S21,S19,S17,D13
M-22,T-29 (off and on prior to M)
BD:12-20-17 (H said he had things to work out in his head)
H moved out:3-4-18
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Meg I think you are doing fine. You seem to be at place where you know its best to stop and think about your actions before acting on anything. That is not an easy place to reach. Most people take a long time of hitting their head against a wall before realizing they knee to stop the knee-jerk response.

I will continue to caution you to NOT be so transparent with your kids with what is happening in your M. Once you take that step you cannot take it back. What if you do forgive H and you reconcile? Will your kids be angry at you for doing so? Will your kids forever have a damaged relationship with H? Frankly our children have no place in our M drama - they should be free to love and be loved equally by both parents without bias.

You may still have to play the role of the middle person. You may have to find ways to support and push your children to have relationship with H outside the M home and M. You will feel a little ego boost when they say they want nothing to do with them but most of the time that is out of guilt because they feel they are being disloyal to you. Don't let that happen. Let them know its okay that they still love their dad. The hardest lesson children have to face is that their parents are human beings and fully flawed.

Keep working on you. You get to decide what it is you want and don't want. Don't jump into being "friends" if you don't think you want that. Don't settle if its not what YOU want. You get to say what you want - not your H.

Hugs!

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(((Meg)))

Your thread really tugs at my heart strings. I see you have read my threads, so you know why. I am not here to throw all kinds of advice at you. I just wanted to offer you my empathy and support. This is so incredibly tough, and especially with children (and a child with additional needs). ... I can promise you one thing tho, and that is that things will not be this way forever. This might be the worst part. And maybe all you can do is wake up each day, get ready for the day, and face it as best you can. Forgive yourself for your imperfections, love those kids hard, and then you wake up and you try again. Every morning you wake up again, then rinse & repeat. For me, I would read Sandi's Rules every day and try and follow them. I blew it at least 2-3 times a day :-) Then I would wake up and try again.

What else can we do for you? What can I say? I mean, I could say a LOT OF THINGS about your H, but I am not sure that would help you too much right now. Just do know, that he has to live with himself and his choices and tell himself (convince himself) that what he is doing is okay. He knows it's not. When he looks at you and your gracious self, he has to justify what he's doing. I actually pity him.

He has created his own demons and on some level he knows it. I applaud you for not even mentioning it. You are a strong woman.

We are here for you. I am here for you. And to be honest, you are so much stronger than I ever was! And I am turning out okay.

Blu


“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
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Meg just went through your story and like you said, very similar to mine. I applaud you for keeping your composure through all this, its one of the hardest things I've ever had to face. I agree with others, despite the huge betrayal on your H part there is no need to tell your kids the details. My first week was very tough, no eating,sleeping and lack of motivation to go to work. After my first IC visit I began to relax more, i found this site and quickly ordered DR and that's when i found some peace. Not going to lie, everyday after i exchange my daughter it breaks my heart but i do my best to keep a smile on and keep on moving. Chin up, with time this will all get better. I hope this for you and myself along with all other LBS.


M:26 WAW:26
T:11 M:7
D:3
BD 1 10/16
I love you but not in love
BD 2 2/18
I love you but...
W moves out 3/18
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Need some strength today.

H is coming for dinner tonight, to spend time with kids. He just texted me that he will come up early when kids get home from school to do laundry. He said we also need to sit down and talk. Didn't say what about specifically. Not even sure what to expect.

Any suggestions on how I should go into this? I think I can handle pretty much anything he says except that he's filling for D.


Me-44,H-44
S21,S19,S17,D13
M-22,T-29 (off and on prior to M)
BD:12-20-17 (H said he had things to work out in his head)
H moved out:3-4-18
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