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KML -
Yes, they took her drivers license but she still gets a temporary license which is good for 30 days and allows her to drive until the DMV formally suspends the license. The DMV hearing is in late December.

Her first court appearance will be later this month, which she will then find what the state is going to go after. Because there was a minor injury to the other driver and her blood alcohol count was super high (.26), I'm not sure how the lawyer will to get away with lowering some of these penalties:

Felony hit and run (involving an injury or death) include:
[list]
[*]$1,000 to $10,000 in fines [misdemeanor up to $1,000 in fines]
[*]Up to 1 year in county jail if the accident caused a minor injury [misdemeanor up to 6 months in county jail][i]

First Offense DUI
[list]
[*]License suspension of 4 months or longer
[*]Up to 6 months in jail
[*]Fines and fees of up to $3,600 dollars [i](Total cost can range up to $15,649)

[*]3 months of DUI school
[*]Possible installation of an ignition interlock device on your vehicle
[*]3-5 years DUI probation

This is going to be expensive, but less than that, I'm really hoping she will serve a little time if for no other reason than to meet life on life's terms, reflect on what's happened and decide what's truly important for her life going forward.

My prayer is that her heart be flooded with light, to make her intelligent and discerning in knowing Him personally, so that her eyes are focused and clear so she can see something of the future He has called her to share –– and that she will begin to understand the immensity of His power who is able to help us with endless energy, boundless strength if we would just trust and believe Him at His word.


Me: 48
WW: 43 OM: 53 met 12/16 to 10/19
M: 18 T: 20
D20 S18 S9
BD 05/22/16
W asked for D 6/20/16
D final 1/9/17
Joined: Nov 2016
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OC,

I’m so sorry for you and your kids. As an observer, I think you need to keep your distance. I do think she is using you and your goodwill for money. I know it’s hard to see her struggle, so do your best to not watch her train wreck. Your d Sees the day to day. How is she coping? Agree XW should not be using your d’s car. How are the boys?


Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids
2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong
2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2
2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
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Thx Gordie – Boys are doing well. Just had a celebratory Thanksgiving school lunch with the youngest today. Eldest boy is getting by fine, but he's applied for a local STEM school to study coding and was accepted to transfer over at the semester break.

As for D, spoke to her therapist today. She's cutting herself again.

The therapist had tried to reach out to xW and ask her to take D to an outpatient treatment program as well as schedule a psychiatrist to consider meds for her....

Moments later I get a call from xW saying she just spoke to D’s therapist and the therapist may be calling me next, but not to believe anything she says as xW believes, “Her and D are out to get her.” xW was really working herself up and then said she’s sick of D's s**t and is ready to ship her off, “call 5150 and never let her get out” (that’s a psych evaluation call in CA)

Sure enough, the therapist called me back shortly thereafter to say she can no longer work with D's mom if she's going to be hostile and uncooperative.

We discussed even having her refer D to another therapist, but we both agree that xW is probably going to treat the next therapist the same way, if not worse - and forget thinking she's going to get our D to a psychiatrist either. It's been three months and she's not completed that task yet.

I told the therapist I have a plan to go get D and bring her here, enroll her in the same project-based learning school as her brother. It's close to home, and they have an art focussed track as well (which is my D's passion).

The therapist said she’s not ready to say, “yes, do THAT!” However, she did agree that it sounds ideal for D.

I've reached out to her current school, received her transcripts and forwarded those to the principal at the new school for review. Should know by tomorrow what credits will transfer or not.

D has her driver's test next week, so I need her to pass that test and pass that driver's license there. Otherwise, she will have to start the permit process all over again when she gets out here.

Thing is, there are only about 5 weeks left in the semester, so not an ideal time to make a switch. While holding out till then might sound like a better plan, educationally speaking, it's not really her education I'm giving much thought to right now.


Me: 48
WW: 43 OM: 53 met 12/16 to 10/19
M: 18 T: 20
D20 S18 S9
BD 05/22/16
W asked for D 6/20/16
D final 1/9/17
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Wow, sorry to hear that.
Do you have an idea why she's cutting?
Some common triggers:
Eating disorders
Having been victim of sexual abuse
Issues of gender or sexual orientation

Certainly, just having to live with an MLC mom could be enough, but don't miss those other issues if they're present.

You're a good dad. Do whatever it takes to be there for your D.

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My S (14) has done some cutting. He acknowledges that it is a result of what has gone on with his father. He assures me that he is past it now and I have not seen any further evidence of it.

When I told my H, a physician, he said he would see S in two weeks (his lives 50 min away). He ended up having to come that night because of a medical emergency I had. He did not look at S's arm or talk to him about it. During the only discussion of note we've had since he left I challenged him on this when he claimed he was a good father and should have S full time (ha ha). He said that it didn't seem like S wanted him to look at it or talk to him about it.

In my experience, my H cannot deal with any conversation in which problems the kids are having is raised. I believe he knows he is responsible for these things but can't deal with it and pushes it as far away from himself as he can, usually hiding behind rage and monster. I have stopped trying to communicate with him about anything concerning the children. It simply isn't worth it. He will not help, he becomes nasty to me, he retreats further from the children, and obviously it causes him some kind of psychic trauma.

It is awful to have to go through this, but it does get better with time. I can see the life returning to my children and can see them rebounding. I sent my S to a wolf tracking camp this summer that did wonders for him emotionally. Next summer I'm sending him on a program designed for people dealing with trust issues where he will learn to sail for more than 20 days.

The children's counselor told me on day 1 that how they did would largely be determined by how well I did. I wasn't ready to hear that because I was such a mess. A little over a year later, I fully accept it and see that the greatest gift I can give my children is to be happy, fulfilled, to live in the moment, to focus on the things I have in my life rather than the things I don't, and to let the damage this man has done be something that lives only in the past.

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Originally Posted By: OwnIt


The children's counselor told me on day 1 that how they did would largely be determined by how well I did. I wasn't ready to hear that because I was such a mess. A little over a year later, I fully accept it and see that the greatest gift I can give my children is to be happy, fulfilled, to live in the moment, to focus on the things I have in my life rather than the things I don't, and to let the damage this man has done be something that lives only in the past.



Wow, that’s powerful.


Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids
2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong
2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2
2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
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well... I suppose it's time for an update.

First off, thank you to OwnIt - what your counselor told you is so true. I've experienced this first hand.

So the holidays came and went and W continued to tell our sons she was coming for the holidays, but never followed through – All the while, feeding me pledges of wishing to fix our family and considerations for moving out here to live with us, saying she loved me and misses her best friend.

On Christmas Eve, she brought the OM to her mom's place and did Facetime with my youngest late on Christmas Day from a train station heading out to who knows where. Turns out, she's still with OM and never left him. What a liar!?!?

My boys were crushed that she never came out.

In January she called with a 24-hour notice to say she'd be coming out for two days to celebrate one of the boy's bdays (she's not seen either of them since September). Turns out her boyfriend bought her the ticket thinking it would cheer her up.

Wel, there was a snow storm and she ended up staying four days. We had some long talks, even got intimate at one point. Dumb me.

She went home pledging to pack her car and come back in a week or two. The next week she got some tests back from the doctor saying she had breast cancer.

I did all I could to make sure she could get out here, offer to help with gas money and spoke to social workers here to transfer her insurance for continued care (she has state insurance where she's at).

Nothing has changed. She finds another excuse each and every opportunity not to come out.

I'm beginning to understand what kind of vicious loop these MLCs seem to put us in, where they keep us close, but don't follow through.

I remember reading an article called "Total Detachment - Dropping the Emotional Rope" and wondering if this is the time to start stepping away?

I'm scared because we've had some seemingly real conversations where it appears she knows this whole thing has been about her and it's not something I caused. And she'll be kind from time to time to check up on me and be sweet, but then disappears on the weekends usually with the same old "bad-influence" friends who helped her get into trouble before.

The last two days I've been shorter in responding offering no explanation or details. Just simple answers.

Today she replies after my last short answer, "Okay, I get it. Loud and clear" with a thumbs up emoji.

Took less than 48 hours and she's already reacting.

Am I doing the right thing by pulling away?

I just know that I'm exhausted trying to get her to follow through on her words - mind you, I don't offer to help anymore or offer solutions. I just ask her questions about what she wants and what she should do about it. I'm not pushing or pulling, just leading as she replies.

But it's not changing anything, and I'm trying to be understanding. She has her surgery on the 22nd to remove the tumor (which is super small, they caught it early), and she also has an arraignment coming up for her DUI hit and run, which she does not have to be present for.

She could have cancer treatment here, go to therapy and rehab. Her lawyer could request her sentencing be transferred to this state to enforce as well. It's all doable.

But instead, she went out and got a new job there and continues to plod along... leading me on.

Am I being insensitive to her current plight and attempting to rescue her again? I think I am.

Is dropping the rope and leaving her to her own plight the right call right now? I feel like it is, but maybe I need a sanity check here.

help?

Last edited by job; 03/14/18 08:27 AM. Reason: removed user name from another site

Me: 48
WW: 43 OM: 53 met 12/16 to 10/19
M: 18 T: 20
D20 S18 S9
BD 05/22/16
W asked for D 6/20/16
D final 1/9/17
Joined: Nov 2017
Posts: 87
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I am a relative newbie, but I read your thread and I am so sorry you are going through this. I am curious if you have not dropped the rope what exactly are you doing? Being dragged behind the out of control car because you are still tied to the bumper? How does this in any way help you prevent it from going off the edge of the cliff on a regular basis? I think it only makes you feel connected and in control but really just causes severe damage.

First and foremost if you are not detaching completely and dropping the rope how can you possibly heal, take care of yourself and your kids? I mean they already have a mother who is completely out of control, right?

Second if you take enough damage while you are trying to "fix her" you may find you have nothing left if and when the day comes where she finally wakes up and wants to repair your relationship. Trust me you may not realize it but all these events and hurts are slowly eroding your love for her, like acid. I know from experience (and believe me I detached lot more and much faster) that even now I am realizing how much damage I took over the past year and how much it has impacted my love for my wife. And she doesn't seem nearly half as bad nor has she done anything nearly as whiplash as from reading your story so far.

I hope you realize this is not meant as criticism or "obvious" statement, rather as a fellow traveler having a lot of empathy and trying to tell you, as counter intuitive as it may seem, dropping the rope and not rescuing her is EXACTLY how you help her rescue herself. Obviously she is still deeply tied to you and need something or find some form of relief/safety from you. But she seems to be using it to avoid confronting her demons.

Hang in there, take care of yourself first. Detach and heal, or there won't be much left of you or your relationship when the time comes and you do have to re-connect and re-build. Hope this helps.

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Thank you MarvinF, I couldn't help but think of that scene from Vacation where the dog was leashed to the rear bumper... that's about the clearest and most accurate expression of what's happened thus far.

The stress, anxiety, sleeplessness and outright non-performance at work has gotten me to where I am today. Taking hydroxyzine and Prozac while living on the scraps of food stamps and unemployment.

I'm better than this.

Had to take a hard look at myself and realize this is not the life I want to lead for me or the example I set for the kids. I need to have my head in the game right now, so I can provide.

As for the dropping of the rope and not rescuing her being EXACTLY how I help her rescue herself, it's also EXACTLY what I need to do to rescue myself today.

This stuff is hard, but I'm learning... Just wish it had been a few months or a year faster! ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

At this very moment, my struggle is staying focused. It's been four months since I lost my job, and trying to apply for jobs or update my resume seem like monumental tasks at times. It's easier to make another sandwich or take another nap

Don't get me wrong, I've made some efforts... I've had some work opportunities sent my way, however, they required me to relocate out west again – I just can't fathom moving these kids again. They've been through too much.

SO... I'm asking for accountability here.

I'm updating my resume. I'm going to reach out to contacts and ask for help.

Can you guys stay on me? Help me stay the course?

anyway... I'm not having a great moment, just trying to overcome the depression that's seemingly crept up.


Me: 48
WW: 43 OM: 53 met 12/16 to 10/19
M: 18 T: 20
D20 S18 S9
BD 05/22/16
W asked for D 6/20/16
D final 1/9/17
Joined: Nov 2017
Posts: 87
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Listen I remember the struggle to focus on the simples tasks, not wanting to do anything, obsessively stuck in an emotional state of shock and trying to figure things out. We all have to find our way through this and it is a process.

But some of the best advice I got from experienced people is just focus on right now. Not five minutes, one week, one month, one year. Go minute by minute, day by day. Do little and big things to focus on yourself and work constantly to take focus off your spouse and what has happened. Exercise, eat well, have a routine, see friends, do things, doesn't matter if you feel like it. Sometimes you just do the things and it help. Yes I know it is very very hard. I picked things I have always loved and returned to them with a passion. It helped, not immediately but it was helping little by little and eventually I found they helped a lot.

You are probably very depressed, it is completely normal. If you can somehow go to your doctor and get medication to help in the short term. Anti depressants and if needed sleep aid. Sleep is important, get regular sleep, patterned sleep. It really alters mood. Walk, as much as you can. Exercise elevates mood and helps with motivation, doesn't have to be anything dramatic. Meet friends, family, support, don't isolate, do whatever it takes to get positive nurturing.

Post here, a lot, journal, vent. Others here all know what its like, what you are going through, we all understand and sympathize and care. We all are somewhere along this road. But I guarantee you we have all been where you are now.

Keep reading here and wherever you can to see you are not alone, this is not unique, it has nothing to do with you, and you can not fix it or help it. So you HAVE TO detach and heal. Go no contact or as much as possible, this is for you. Don't touch the hot stove by contacting, it will just hurt. It may go against all your instincts, but this situation is NOT normal, and the NORMAL approach doesn't work.

You have work to do, use this as a time of growth and healing and you may find that you come out stronger and better than when you went in. And this is both for you and for you to have ANY hope of ever rebuilding your marriage. Be a beacon, an example.

I know it all sounds like words, but these are words of wisdom I learned from others and have learned slowly the truth of them.

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