Finding Solutions, Not Distractions..

[kml]

I was not raised in a religious family, and my personal exposure has been limited to a few years at a time during different stages of my life.

Seems like this might be a bigger issue between you and this woman than race. Sounds like you're not very religious, and she cares about finding a church home that's welcoming to all races.

Btw, beware of conflating race and culture or socioeconomic class. The black men I dated had very similar middle class backgrounds to my own, except for one who came from a more affluent background.

In fact, in one way I have more in common with black men than white men: discrimination. I grew up in an era where it was assumed I was less capable, less intelligent, simply because I was a woman. (I remember one of my medical school classmates complaining about women being admitted with "lesser" qualifications; he shut up when he learned my admission testing scores were higher than his). While I don't presume to claim that the discrimination I experienced as a white woman is anything like what people of color experience- obviously they have it way worse - but I do relate.

[Coconut]

I am aware of the differences, but I am not trying to avoid them to see how things go. The difference in religion was immediately obvious as I had already started eating my salad, she asked for a moment to say grace.. I am not anti-religious, I have accepted Christ into my heart, I have not avoided religion as a practice, but more by circumstance.

I was looking for a church to attend when I moved to NC, but the first one that I researched made a big deal about "divorcees" not able to become members, which was off-putting to me so I stopped looking (ok, maybe I did make a choice). But I have since spoken with several people about it, including her, and they think I should research other church's as I must have looked into a very strict church and they don't believe most are like that.

Anyway, as long as my position and their expectations are known upfront, I would look forward to learning from someone with different views and upbringing. Although as I previously described, I would not necessarily welcome every "difference" into my life, such as viewing the world differently as to how races are represented (which is obviously very important to her).

I will just continue getting to know whoever I'm attracted to, and determine what being with that person would require of me.

[kml]

Although as I previously described, I would not necessarily welcome every "difference" into my life, such as viewing the world differently as to how races are represented (which is obviously very important to her).

Well maybe it's time to step outside your white privilege a little bit and examine why those things might bother a person of color? How would YOU feel if you lived in a society where all the authority figures were black, where you were followed by security in stores just because of the white color of your skin, where you had to work twice as hard to prove yourself at work or school because it was assumed you only got in because of "affirmative action" and weren't truly competent?

(Btw, when I was young, there were NO women newscasters on television - only the eye-candy weather girls. And I never saw a woman doctor. Can you imagine what that was like? And certainly no newscasters of color. )

[bttrfly]

I am going to share some info that was given to me from someone whom I respect very much who has been divorced several years.

No dinners with people you've newly met. Ok to meet for drinks. If things go well, you can have appetizers, but always keep it short. You're interviewing. Avoids awkward pauses and situations.

Good luck.

[kml]

BTW - I agree that all her questions were more like a job interview. She obviously was trying to suss you out, to see if you would be a good match. Good reminder to all of us not to overdo the questioning - you DO want to get to know the person, that's the point, but their housekeeping skills could wait until at least the second date.

[doodler]

doodler's top 10 dating tips:

1. Ask your date for her bra size.
2. Call your date 10 to 15 minutes before you're supposed to meet her and tell her you'll be a little late because you're at Home Depot looking at power tools.
3. Always accidentally forget your wallet.
4. Tell your date how much your mom would love to meet her.
5. Mention that you have a bad rash that won't go away.
6. Tell your date that your nickname is Mr. Softee.
7. Excuse yourself to go to the restroom and wait at least 20 minutes before returning and then discuss the details of your explosive movement.
8. In addition, if you do go to the restroom, you can mention your preoccupation with the glory hole.
9. Ask your date if she's on the pill.
10. Ask your date if she's tired because she looks much older than the picture she posted on the dating site.
11. (bonus) Be sure to mention that your condoms are in your accidentally forgotten wallet and ask your date if she's okay with unprotected sex.

[Coconut]

Well maybe it's time to step outside your white privilege a little bit and examine why those things might bother a person of color? How would YOU feel if you lived in a society where all the authority figures were black, where you were followed by security in stores just because of the white color of your skin, where you had to work twice as hard to prove yourself at work or school because it was assumed you only got in because of "affirmative action" and weren't truly competent?

The problem with the things you stated is that there is no way to know if it's actually true, they are assumptions that are made by thinking racism in the first place. I have no doubt that racism exists, and that there are too many who have been the victim of it, directly, with no question of what it was. But when I hear someone say they got pulled over because of the color of my skin, it makes me wonder if they think I've never been pulled over because of the color of my skin.

I have been followed many times in stores, but I didn't assume it's because I was a white person in a black neighborhood, but who knows, maybe that was the reason. I have considered many people I have worked with in the past to be incompetent, but I base those beliefs on their work product, not by the color of their skin. The best mentor I've ever had in my career was black, she was one of the smartest, most loyal, and confident person I've ever had the pleasure of working for.

For what it’s worth, I grew up in a predominately black neighborhood, until we moved when I went to high school, I went to schools that were 97% black, 2% Spanish and 1% white. Where I work now, there are 30 people in my division, 3 of us are white. I have never gotten or expected anything because of my race. I believe that racism cannot be overcome until people stop using it as a crutch. I have been the victim of “reverse” racism often in my life, I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been referred to as cracker, or approached aggressively because they didn't want "the white guy" there.

If I live a life of white privilege, I shore as shootin have never reaped the benefits. I have worked hard my entire life, I have done everything that your “supposed to do” to prevent myself getting into situations that often cause people to go destitute, and I’ve never hoped for or expected something that I didn’t know I deserved.

No dinners with people you've newly met. Ok to meet for drinks. If things go well, you can have appetizers, but always keep it short. You're interviewing. Avoids awkward pauses and situations.

Yes, I agree.. I did dinner with her for two reasons, first, I had to drive an hour to meet her. I still might not have done dinner if it wasn’t for the fact that I had just spend a few hours with her a few days before, so I wasn’t worried about it being awkward, and it wasn’t.

[Coconut]

So tomorrow is the day I picked to move to the new place, Last Friday I scheduled the AC guy to install the new ac unit Saturday, he calls me this morning and tells me he went to pick up the unit but they're closed for good Friday, need to reschedule install for Tuesday (rain forecast Monday), weather should be mild, so no biggie, I can do without for a few days.

About three weeks ago I called and scheduled cable guy to hook up the Internet the Friday before I moved in (today), I waited at house 2 1/2 hrs after the appt time, no call no show, called the company and rescheduled for tomorrow. That got my blood boiling a little, but I'm going out with the singles group to a dueling piano show and I'm the host, so need to move past it and reset myself.

While waiting for a table for 30 people at the place with the show, I get a text from the moving company that I scheduled to move my furniture tomorrow, says they're box truck broke down, they can do the labor but I'd need to rent a truck for the move... Ok, had to walk out for a little to cool down, I'm a very organized, check each box twice kind of person, so when everything I scheduled today and tomorrow gets f'd up, it infuriated me. Took 5 minutes, walked around outside, cooled down, went back in and had a great time.

I'm still moving in tomorrow, won't have couches or my bed, but I did already move my guest bed over so I'll have a place to sleep, and looks like one of my boats will be going into the living room for seating. Just gotta roll with the punches.

[Coconut]

Life has a funny way of working things out nicely when you just let it

When we were at the dueling piano event, one of the ladies gave me a number to the movers she used after she heard mine cancelled, their name is $20 movers.. They literally charge $20 per mover per hour, and they come with a truck. My $280 quoted move cancelled on me, so Sat. morning I called the $20 movers, and they were able to move me same day for $40. I felt it was way too cheap, there wasn't much stuff, but the items were VERY heavy, so I gave them a $100 tip and saved myself $140..

AC being out was no issue since it was mid 70's during the day and mid 60's at night, and then the A/C guy called this morning and said not supposed to rain so they were going to install today. Just got a text that they were done, and he fixed a couple of other things that I asked him to look at, no charge for the extra stuff..

Then I set up a meet-up at my house for a game night in two weeks, BYOB and food, set the limit to 20 people and it filled up in a couple of hours.. I'll probably invite a few of my closer friends that didn't sign up before it filled up, so probably end up somewhere around 25 people. Right now, all I have is one plastic table for 6 with folding chairs, so time to go shopping for a large dining table, a few more folding tables and lots of chairs.. Gonna be a fun night

[Dawn70]

Yay for you! Sounds like things worked out well.