Finding Solutions, Not Distractions..

[Coconut]

Link to previous thread, well kinda: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2774334&page=1

The name for this one comes from an article I read about life's challenges being met by finding solutions (therefore moving forward in life) or by finding distractions (therefore being stuck in life)...

Job, I can't quote from the thread doodler killed (thanks doodler, lol) since its been closed. Would you mind copying my last two posts (the long ones) to this thread..

[DonH]

Job, I can't quote from the thread doodler killed (thanks doodler, lol) since its been closed. Would you mind copying my last two posts (the long ones) to this thread..

It's all fun and games until Doodler breaks the forum with his Tomfoolery. Next someone's going to gave their eye poked out with this horseplay.

[job]

Previous thread: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2774334&page=10

Time to start a new thread, the reason for this name is an article I read about how we respond to Life's Challenges and how we either react by finding solutions, or by finding a distraction to help us ignore the challenge or cover up the pain the challenge creates.

Anyway, I'm going to carry over my last post from previous thread and some responses made to it.

Last Sunday I went to another town about 40 minutes away, I wanted to get some fishing in and there were a couple of places there that I could target specific fish. Unfortunately, 2 of the 3 places I wanted to hit were closed (one was a lake at a vineyard that I didn't know doesn't allow fishing during the winter, and the other was a lock and dam that is under construction). So after fishing the one option I had left for a little while, I decided to grab some lunch.

There's a sushi place in that town that is better than any I've been able to find around me, so I usually stop there to eat when I'm around. I sat at the sushi bar and there was a young lady working that area. When she first spoke to me, I about fell out of my chair, she had the most southern accent I'd ever heard. My town is a military town, so almost no one is from here, so there aren't many with accents.

I love me a southern accent. My first real girlfriend was from NC (trips with her to NC is what made me want to move here), and I guess that since then I've always associated southern accents with that Love. This girl at the restaurant was the most country I'd ever heard. We started chatting and she told me that she grew up out in the country, two stop sign town, and moved to that town to find work. We chatted in between her dealing with customers during my meal and I really enjoyed talking to her... BUT she was around 25

I considered asking for her number, cause I'd love to talk to her more and we did hit it off pretty well, but I just couldn't get past the age difference. But she's been on my mind since.
________________________________________________________

Ok, something else has been on my mind since Ginger mentioned her boundary regarding drug users. I realized that I haven't really tried to define boundaries that I want, so I got to thinking about what are no-go's to me.

I would like to ask you all for your opinions on this, because I'm back and forth on it. Would you date someone who ever divorced because they had an A?

Ok, something else has been on my mind since Ginger mentioned her boundary regarding drug users. I realized that I haven't really tried to define boundaries that I want, so I got to thinking about what are no-go's to me.

Here's an idea I got from a youtube video: make a list with 2 columns: the traits you want and don't want in a woman. Write down as many things as you can. They can be physical, but include personality and lifestyle choices as well. Then go back and circle the top 10 in each column. This will help you lock down what you're looking for as well as your dealbreakers.

I would like to ask you all for your opinions on this, because I'm back and forth on it. Would you date someone who ever divorced because they had an A?

As in, would I date someone who had been unfaithful in their M? Absolutely not. Infidelity is a hard stop for me.

If I had never experienced what I have, I might have been understanding about the A depending on the circumstances and if there were lessons learned, remorse, ect.

However, I want to minimize my chances of ever going through that again. SO I would have to say a firm "NO".

Coconut,

I like your question because it's simple and provocative.

First of all, most likely the only way you'd learn about the affair is from the person you're dating. If the person were to tell you about the affair, then I would give them kudos for being forthright and honest. What if you were dating a person who'd had an affair but never told you?

Second, if someone told me they'd had an affair back when they were young and dumb, and were ashamed of what they'd done and didn't make excuses for the affair, then I think that person would be deserving of consideration. That is, if everything else is a good fit.

We've all done things we shouldn't have done and that we're ashamed of; I think it's a bad idea to make a black-and-white decision before it's necessary to make the decision.

_________________________
M - 9 1/2 years
5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA
10/31/16 - We sold house
01/10/18 - D Finalized

[job]

Vanilla's posting:

This is a deal breaker for me. 100%.

Leopards, spots etc........

A D because of an A is a big big red flag for me.

I am not so concerned by looks but self inflicted poor health is an issue for me, including smoking, pot or otherwise, drugs and compulsions. ESPECIALLY GAMBLING and OWS. Been there, done that and will not go again.

I like a great smile and twinkly eyes.

V
_________________________
Life is for living

V 63, WAW now free from the G

[job]

25yearsmlc's posting:

This list is important. My T often suggests making one. The Wish list and the Must have list.


In 90% of cases in which someone had an A, I'd end things right there. I'd also end things if they wanted children I cannot provide to them now. I mean, I'd do it politely but that's that.

In case of an A, what would be the 10% reasons I MIGHT still consider dating them?

VERY rare cases and with a ton of remorse and insight, lesson learned and forthrightness about it.

DISCLOSURE - I have to admit that I once almost had an A and b/c of that experience, I can see why a good person who is neglected a lot, over time, and then tempted over time, could cave in.
It was during Desert Storm and I was getting shipped out (I joined & left the Army for XH, but I did not consciously think it related to my feelings of neglect, then). XH's hours were more insane than usual and he was irritable when he came home and then left for 60 days for a rotation. Again...

I managed not to have an A, but only with great effort and support by a wise chaplain. I made changes about trying not to be around certain types of men but hey, it was the military and 85% of the personnel then, were men. Hard to avoid.

I learned a lot from this^^^ experience. My ability to avoid jumping off the cliff into an A was eye opening for me. I always thought it'd be an automatic deal breaker and in most cases, it is. At least for me. But I'd be a hypocrite if I said it was always a deal breaker and if I had not had this experience, I probably would say it's always a deal breaker.

so, in any case that's how I feel about that.

A must have - A guy who can laugh at himself and with me, is vitally important. Humor is always listed as a desirable quality on those sites but I really mean it. I do stand up comedy and it's a big deal to me to feel uninhabited about it.

And As we age, being able to laugh hard and often, is only going to increase in importance.
Imagine being old and NOT being able to laugh with your partner.

Rule Outs - A guy who is judgmental about others, or secretive, or loses his temper, or stores up grievances and brings up events that angered him, from more than a week earlier, NOPE...

A guy who is going to make me work at guessing what's bugging him. No seething resentments, no list of wrongs from yesterday, and of course no deceit. Can't handle a liar or someone who withholds key information b/c THEY are not comfortable (who is comfortable disclosing hard truths?? etc.)


Relationships are hard enough. Who needs guessing games on top of the work we have to do anyhow?


Just my .02
_________________________
M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H goes ALASKAN 2006
Piece 7/07
Retrovaille-M Restored 8/08
*2016*
H ALASKA AGAIN
Groundhog Day
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV Final 2/2018

Embrace the GIFT of Change

[job]

Coconut's posting:

I’ve started to reply to this twice, but I wanted to wait until I was at a keyboard, as I do not enjoy typing long posts on my iPad. Anyway, thank you all for your thoughts on my question/delema, I had thought about the general responses you all posted, but found the explanations thought provoking.

When I first thought about it, my immediate response was very similar to those who hold it as an absolute No (understandably), that I don’t want to go through that again so it was a deal breaker for me. But then I realized that when I thought about it, I only considered my situation, or more specifically my ex. I watched a great mom, a person who thought about others (more than she should have) over herself, turn into a person who only cared about herself. So, no, if I met someone who had ended their M after having an A, who “also” displayed selfish characteristics, then it would without question be a no go.

Then I thought about the way that I had fallen fast and hard for a M woman at work a few months after BD. (For those that don’t know my story, I didn’t know she was M when I fell for her, I didn’t find out until I was smitten, and I stopped talking to her very shortly after. Also, nothing happened except for conversation and the occasional innuendo.) I experienced firsthand how quickly you can fall for someone who fills an emotional need.

I also thought about those on this board who were once wayward, but who I feel are the least likely in society to ever do it again. With experience can come knowledge and understanding, if you choose to learn about yourself, learn about the dynamics of what caused the experience, and learn prevention methods to keep it from happening again. I think someone who has that knowledge and commitment would be a better long-term partner than someone who just never happened to find them in that situation. As Doodler said, we’ve all done things we shouldn’t have done and ashamed of, I think what’s important is what was learned from it. Oh, and I also agree doodler that most likely the only way I would find out is if they told me, but if they didn’t tell me and I found out then I would run. I do not plan on being with anyone that ever-got D without discussing why the M failed. I want someone who has some understanding of the dynamics of relationships, and discussing why previous R failed is an easy way to figure out if they do.

I am leaning to it not being a “deal breaker” with conditions. It would require conversations, not about the specifics but the reasons, and me being convinced that she had learned from it. If she had an A, and her only reasoning was “he…..”, then I’m out. But if she can explain the underlying conditions of why she did it, she shows some understanding of R dynamics and how to recognize warning signs of a R being susceptible to it, then it wouldn’t be a deal breaker for me. It likely would cause me to take it slower, date longer before really starting a R, but I am not going to just delete that portion of the dating pool from possibility.

This weekend was supposed to be the paint party that I was hoping to get to spend some time talking with gg, but one of the girls (the attractive but way to young; more on that in a minute) in our group was performing in a jazz concert. We decided to cancel the paint party and go see her performance. When I pulled into the parking lot, I drove past all the cars that were parked (and a lot of empty spots) to park at the very end of the aisle. I have a very big truck that fills up parking spots, so I never park near other cars to try and prevent door dings (it’s funny, I drive it through the woods and don’t worry about branches and other things hitting it, but I hate the idea of someone hitting my truck with their car). So anyway, I get out of the truck and start walking towards the building and seeing a lady walking towards me, when I get closer I realized it was gg. It really made me feel good that she recognized my truck and instead of just going in and seeing me there, she went out of her way to come meet me.

We ended up sitting separately when we got inside, I sat next to one of the other guys who is the comedian of the group. During intermission and right after the show we all hung out outside talking, I didn’t get to have a one on one with gg (I think I might be getting CB by a couple of the girls who like me), but I was enjoying myself so I just went with it.

Shortly after the show ended, gg asked if I was going to game night, I told her I wasn’t and that I was going out with everyone for drinks and appetizers. She knew that everyone was going out afterwards, but wanted to go to game night, which I am fine with although it is unfortunate that once again we didn’t get to spend more time talking. The next day I decided to text her and we chatted back and forth for a little while, she told me that she recently joined a rugby team which completely shocked me (she is a petite blonde), I replied that she surprises me, that I was intrigued and look forward to getting to know her better.

And silence…… We both were obviously doing other things while we were texting (I was packing stuff up for the move), there were often delays between responses. But after I sent that text, my focus kind of went to what her response would be, and while most of the pauses between texts had been 5 -10 minutes, this delay was closer to 40 minutes. She eventually responded asking if I was going to the bar crawl Saturday for St. Patty’s day. I responded that I might have to go out of town that weekend so I won’t know for sure until Friday.

Now while I do find myself “noticing” these minute details (much longer delay after telling her I want to know her better), my old self would spend time trying to figure out what it meant; but while I do wonder about it, I don’t find myself to concerned about what it means. It is important to me that I remain lovingly detached, that when I do start dating or have a R, that I keep a lot of focus “me”. Like everything, I believe that it will be easier as I do it more, I recognize my natural inclination of “wondering”, so it is a small accomplishment when I am able to recognize that and move my focus elsewhere.

Ok, I have more I want to say, but I think I’d better get back to work. Hope everyone had a great weekend.
_________________________
M - 9 1/2 years
5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA
10/31/16 - We sold house
01/10/18 - D Finalized

Top

[job]

Coconut's posting:

This weekend was supposed to be the paint party that I was hoping to get to spend some time talking with gg, but one of the girls (the attractive but way to young; more on that in a minute) in our group was performing in a jazz concert.

So I wanted to talk through Aby (attractive but young). Aby has been part of the singles group since our first get together, while she is physically attractive, what I have found most attractive about her is her outgoing personality and confidence in herself. I never could figure out how old Aby is, my best guess is early to mid 20's, her excitement of life seems consistent with someone that age. Her stories about the acting/singing activities she has going on make me think she’s involved in something like a drama club at college. While we have conversed here and there, I’ve never had a real conversation with her, so I only know what she has shared about herself in the group setting.

The jazz performance that we went to was at a local college, which also enforced my belief that she was in that age group. Well, after the performance we went out for apps and drinks. There were a couple of new people there, so we decided to do a little “get to know you” activity called two truths and a lie. We had done this once before at our first get together, and at that time Abys two truths and a lie were 1) I have swam with sharks.. 2) I have swam with sting rays.. 3) I have swam with dolphins. I remember this because I have swam with sharks and dolphins, but never with rays, turns out the lie was with sharks but only because the day she had scheduled to do so the weather was bad and they couldn’t go out.

Well, during this night out, her two truths and a lie were 1) I have walked through a pyramid in Egypt.. 2) I have dived at the great barrier reef.. 3) I have climbed Mt. Fuji.. This really caught my attention, because I was really impressed at the magnitude of these events. I guessed that the reef was the lie, only because I thought it was so far away from Egypt and Japan, but later looked at a map and found they are all far from each other. Anyway, she said that while she had visited Australia, she did not dive the barrier reef. I made a comment to the lady I was sitting next to (who has closest R with Aby) that I was so impressed that someone still in school has done so much in her life. Well, turns out Aby isn’t a student, she is a performing arts teacher at the school we went to, and the other members in the jazz band were her students, not peers. She also mentioned that Aby has never been M and doesn’t have kids, so she has a lot of freedom to have these experiences. Oh, btw, Aby summited Mt. Fuji when she lived in Japan for a year, and then proceeded to speak in Japanese to someone else that knew a little.

I have no expectation of getting together with Aby, I just wanted to share all of this because I was so wrong in my “judgement” of how old she is, although I still don’t actually know her age.

Now, about not reaching out because of the womans age… by the way, I’ve been thinking about going to see a counselor to help me navigate what it is that I really want in someone, but until I decide to, I’m just using this forum to talk through my thoughts.

I’m also struggling with figuring out how I feel about dating someone younger. I look young for my age, in high school my nickname was Babyface, which sucked in HS but as I’ve gotten older it’s not so bad. I couldn’t say how old I “look”, I can only say that I think I look much younger than other people that I know are my age. On top of my looks, I am a pretty free spirit. I’m not a stickler for the rules, for the most part am willing to do things outside of my comfort zone, I can just go with the flow and I don't have discussions about the weather or medical conditions..

Anyway, back to younger females. I guess the youngest I have been able to wrap my head around dating is 35yrs old (10 yrs. younger), but I often read age is just a number being said here and wonder if I’m limiting myself for the wrong reasons. For instance, I met Country 2 weeks ago, I guessed that she is around 25 yrs old, I wanted to ask for her number, I wanted to talk to her again but I talked myself out of it. I don’t know if my hesitation is the “stigma” of an older man dating a younger woman, or if it is something else. I don’t want to be involved with someone that would be held back because of me (like starting a family), but I feel like I may be holding back on opportunities for a good time by making decisions that aren’t mine to make. In other words, maybe Country has no interest in having kids, just wants to enjoy life (maybe has a love of the things I enjoy) and we would have a great time together, but I ended that possibility before it had a chance because I just decided “she’s too young for me”.

Let’s face it, the idea with being with someone younger is sexy, and I wouldn’t mind just having fun for awhile.. I like the idea of finding someone for a LTR/M, but I DO NOT feel pressure to find that someone right now, I’d definitely be down for just having fun for awhile.
_________________________
M - 9 1/2 years
5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA
10/31/16 - We sold house
01/10/18 - D Finalized

[job]

Ginger1's posting:

On dating someone younger.......or older....... I can weigh in on this, since I have been all over the board age wise.

My ex was my age. One of us grew up, the other did not.


Post D- one guy was 15 years older than me. Age was not an issue because we were in the exact same places in our lives. We both had a child, 2 years apart, both were divorced one month a part.

ANother guy- 12 years older. He had grown kids, but one 2 years younger than mine. However, he was going through a MLC.

FF- 9 years younger. While he had a great career and also owned a business, he still lived at home, and didn't have kids yet, and ultimately wanted them, and that was the deal breaker for us.

This guy right now, same age, no job, no kids, at least lives on his own, no real drive. Mentally, probably 10 years younger.

I know that PT guy who is 25, wants children. So I won't even go there.

So, as you can see, age is a number. My dad's wife is 17 years younger than him. He wsa done having kids, she was ok with not having kids. I was out of the house, it has worked for them. My dad began dating her when he was 48 I believe. He is now 68 and they are going strong.

So, to me, age IS just a number if you are in the same stages in your life. Or at least, your stages are compatible.

I wouldn't rule out another "country" unless you know for sure there are some deal breakers, like kids. If you enjoy the same things, youa re entitled to have fun and see where it goes!

.

[job]

Ginger1's posting:

So, ask ABY out:) I just realized they are two different people

[job]

doodler's posting:

Is that a stick in your pocket or are happy to see Abby?