I’ve posted on MLC and Now separated. My WAW is in full MLC mode and will only let me stay at her house 7 days per month. Her parents live in her house so she has her support network. I am asking us to compromise on additional time but she dug her heels in. We are in 8th month of separation. She says she wants a divorce but won’t file because I asked her not to. We have two kids together and I have two from previous marriage. We live in 2 different states and I cannot afford to live separately. I am saddened and avoiding telling my 2 eldest kids their new step mom wants a divorce. I think she has PPD. Our kids are 1 1/2 and 3, and it breaks my heart, as her family seems saddened by this but do not appear to want to get involved.
Hey! Have you consulted a lawyer yet? Not sure if anyone here can answer your questions because you need legal advice on your rights. It doesn't sound like you can reason with her about the situation.
Thanks for your post. I met with a lawyer last year when we separated the first time. We reconciled for 6 months. Her house is legally hers, so I am treading lightly. I asked to live with her family members and they accepted if I am no there. Just wish they could talk sense into her, but Sandi’s rules say don’t talk to family.
I would ask your post to get moved to Newcomers where there is more traffic and people will respond to your sitch, including some folks who have been here for a long time. Press the notify button on the post and then ask the Mod to move your post for now to Newcomers.
Yes, I don't think talking to her family members will help you in this situation. What did the lawyer advise last year?
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Thanks for the advice. Lawyer was more concerned about dividing assets and visitation schedule. This is my second marriage so unfortunately I am a veteran.
Yes, very true. Honestly, I think what’s happening is because she can’t or doesn’t have the courage to do file itself, so she is trying to get me to either file out of frustration or make me lose it so she can justify filing to her friends and family.
Hi Black, I've read your posts, but there doesn't seem to be much information about your marital history. What were the problems in your MR?
Is your W allowing you to see the children equal time.....or only seven days out of a month?
Have you had a follow up meeting with your lawyer since the second separation? Do you have legal advice about your rights as a father?
You said it is your W's house, so Is she currently living in the marital home? Has your lawyer advised you what to do, since she won't let you stay at home but seven days a month?
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I asked to live with her family members and they accepted if I am no there.
Could you explain what this means, please? ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Do you have no family of your own that lives close? Could you afford a one-room apartment?
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Just wish they could talk sense into her, but Sandi’s rules say don’t talk to family
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The "rules" are simply a guideline for people who have just joined the board and don't know which way to turn or how to interact with their spouse, etc. They are not some type of dye hard law you are expected to follow if there is an extreme exception in your situation where the parents need to know what's going on. This "rule" was in reference of trying to get marriage advice from friends and family or get them to intervene on your behalf, or for the sake of the M.
The rule says, "Do not ask for help from family members or friends. Don't discuss private matters with them that would upset your spouse". Some H's talk about very private matters to family and friends. He vents when he is upset, or he wants them to help help him. See what I mean? It could actually prevent the W wanting to reconcile, or if the couple should reconcile, it could cause tension and other problems between the W and her in-laws, etc. Also, friends and family are usually biased, so you may not get impartial advice.....or the best advice for your situation. Blood is thicker than water, so in most cases, family will stick by their blood relatives, whether or not they agree with them.
If there is a serious health issue........for instance, or if your W shows signs of mental illness, or you are concerned for the safety of the children..........this would definitely be an exception where you would alert her family about your concerns, (especially, if they are unaware anything is wrong). But from what you've said, they have live with her at some point, right? So, have they mentioned any concerns to you about your W?
If you mean you are wanting them to "talk sense into her" so that you can live at home again......they may not want to get involved in the M problems, or they may even support the separation. I don't know the background situation, so it's a lot of speculation.
Do her parents currently live in her house, or does she live with them?
Your M has been in trouble in the past, and you turned to a DB coach. Were you seeing the same signs as you see this time? It is very difficult to help when we really have no clue about what brought the MR to this place. Please give us some marital history.
I hope you post a lot.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
What were problems in your MR? WAW says she is no longer in love with me, we are not compatible because we disagree on politics at times, I'f she know me better she would not have gotten married to me, I'm too negative, would lose temper and storm out of room or leave house for biz trip, not there enough with her and the kids to help. These all came out in marriage counseling about 2 years ago, after which we seperated, for 3 months, and reconciled right before our 1 1/2 year was born.Separated again 6 months later and have been separated since.
Is W allowing you to split equal time? Because I split time between two states because of previous marriage and two kids living there, and while I can be in her state, I cannot afford to live by myself because of house payment in other state. SO she lets me stay in house because I have to fly and pay for hotel; but only for 7 days per month.
Follow up meeting with lawyer? Not yet, but away of my rights and normal visitation as father. A bit hard for visitation because kids are 3 and 1 1/2 and breastfeeding.
W living in house? Yes, in her state. She got the house before marriage so in the state it is her property. Have to ask attorney on that.
What I meant on living with fam members? W's brother and sister in law offered for me to stay there instead of hotel when i am not in home for 7 days.
Sandi's rule? I think W has PPD and MLC, due to changes in behavior. Wanting them to talk to her to try to convince her not to divorce and to get help to really ask her to give us a try. I have good relationship with parents and family members.
Parents? Her parents live in her house and support with daycare etc.
YEs, same signs as last time, but now W is saying wants divorce versus only separation. HEr reasons to divorce also change all the time.
Regarding talking to family members, I have spoken to WAW Mom and Dad before, not asking for reconciliation but rather for advice on how I can make WAW happier. WAW does not engage with parents on the subject and parents try not to interfere; just dont think they realize the severity of things.
WAW has been trying to pick fights with me or at least trying to get me to have an emotional outburst -- anything to justify to others why to end marriage.
Also communicated that i will not stop WAW from filing for divorce; that this action will be entirely hers to do. If filing and being divorced makes her happy, then I have to respect her decision out of love for her.
I keep my out of state home because I have kids from previous marriage living in that state; and so I live there with them. I will sell the out of state home and remain full time in WAW state once previous marriage kids graduate from HS. Also, states are separated by a 3 hour flight each way.
Update: WAW increased time I am at house from 7 to 10-14 days per month, so I am glad I was persistent. Does want to move to a custody schedule representative of a divorce. Not sure what that means. Offered for her to rotate out of house or help pay for other location. Does all this while texting me videos of the kids and calls me so I can xtalk to kids before I call. Again I ask: why would WAW walk out on a marriage w 1 1/2 year old and 3 year old and who lives with her parents?
WAW has her flying our kids to second state and not staying over to spend time with my oldest from previous marriage. This will be very awkward for my oldest kids, who I am trying not to tell about the whole situation. Any recommendations on how I should handle that? Can a separation agreement have an exception to non-cohabitation in these cases because we are not divorced, but having an agreement like a divorce? If I ask that we cohabitate in those instances, would WAW not want this? I guess what I am trying to say, is that my eldest kids already went through this just 3 years ago, and I would not want them to be exposed to WAW MLC unless for sure we are divorced, which seems to be somewhat up in the air because she has not filed at this time. I dont want to sound needy but this impact on my eldest kids would be really hard.. Thoughts? Thank you!
WAW has her flying our kids to second state and not staying over to spend time with my oldest from previous marriage. This will be very awkward for my oldest kids, who I am trying not to tell about the whole situation. Any recommendations on how I should handle that?
Yes, tell your kids (the older ones she is not the mother of). Don't expect your W to spend any time with them, if she doesn't want to then you shouldn't try to force her. I understand that your kids have bonded with her and you don't want to subject them to the loss, but you really don't have a choice in the matter.
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Can a separation agreement have an exception to non-cohabitation in these cases because we are not divorced, but having an agreement like a divorce?
You'll have to ask a lawyer because it varies from state-to-state (are you in the US?) Some states don't even recognize separation as a legal condition. My state (TX) is one of them, there are no provisions here for legal separation.
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I dont want to sound needy but this impact on my eldest kids would be really hard.. Thoughts? Thank you!
Seeing our kids hurt is one of the most difficult things about these sitches. Unfortunately it's one that is outside of our control. So all we can do is support them as best we can and if they are particularly struggling then get them into IC. You don't necessarily have to tell them their step-mom is gone for good or wants a D or anything, but try to explain that you're going through some troubles and that it has nothing to do with them and promise to be there for them no matter what happens. Kids need a lot of reassurances at these times.
This makes sense AnotherStander. Thank you. The only issue is that if I tell my eldest kids, they will tell my ex, who would cause a lot of strife for me because my ex dislikes me and my W. I know I can’t avoid it if we actually D, but for now, I am concerned about making a mountain out of a molehill if we wind up reconciling. I also think it is hard that my eldest will ask why they can’t spend time with my W’s nieces and parents whom they are also close to. My eldest just went through a D 5 years ago, which upsets me how selfish my W is thinking right now. But I love her and want her to be happy.
I’m feeling a bit down this morning. My WAW is much more cordial and happier now that I said I would not object if she files, because I love her. I don’t want this, but if this makes her happier, I will not object. We made a connection at least which is better than before. I am hoping we just keep this agreement in place w/o her filing in the hope she’ll realize this is a mistake. I need to stay positive but this will be very difficult to do in front of her family. I figure she may be keeping her options open with an agreement she calls “representing a divorce”. She told me once that she emotionally is ready but afraid she regret it. I still think she is emotionally attached and won’t go through with it, but maybe I’m wrong.
Did you and your current W discuss the living arrangements before your M her? In other words, did you make it very clear how you were going to split your time staying in another state to live with children from your previous M? Was she aware that your plans were to maintain the house in the other state and not sell it until those kids were grown?
I don't know the ages of your other children, or the age of your current W. maybe you could put this in your signature line. My point in the previous paragraph is that if your current W did not fully understand the conditions of the proposed MR, and/or if she is very young......I can see how it would be very difficult on her. And, even if she knew in advance, the strain of two small children that close together, and step-children too, may just be more than she could handle. She has two small children, her H is gone most of the time, either on the road working....or living in his house in a another state with his other children. You feel you are doing the best you can by both sets of children. However, I suspect your W feels cheated and feels her small kids are being cheated. Whatever the cause, you have to find a solution......b/c this is not working. You certainly don't need to get a D and marry again and have another family by a third W. Your hands are more than full, now.
Has your first W remarried? How is your R with her? Is she dependent or needy on your help? Is she contacting you a lot about the kids and needing you to help her with something? Does the first W still reside in the house you own in the other state? I mean, do you have a separate house from your first W in the other state? B/c if you are visiting your children in the same house your first W is living........then that can cause all kinds of problems with the current W.
Are your current W's parents able to work or help with the finances while living with her? I'm just wondering why they live with her. Is it a large house? She probably needs their support, since you are gone so much........if they are not a source of contention.
I think you have gotten yourself into a situation that won't have an answer that makes everyone happy. You are basically trying to live a double life. You have two families in two separate states. If I was the young mother of your two babies, I would probably feel that me and my kids were cheated. Even if you told her before M how you would have to split your time with the other children.........it doesn't prevent resentment and jealousy after she has her own children. If there's ever a time a woman needs to feel that she and her offsprings take priority in the man's life.......it is when she is home with babies/toddlers.
You seriously need legal advice, if you own property in another state, and your current W is threatening D. And also, if she is using breast-feeding a 1 1/2 yr old, to keep you from him. Working mothers use a breast pump, so I don't know that nursing would hold up as an excuse to keep a child from his father. I've noticed you often make reference to the nursing (or maybe it's the other H with a breast-feeding W...... ). At any rate, the child is not a new born, and in a case of separation......your lawyer should be able to get you equal visitation.
The update that she has relented and will let you stay in her house a few more days, is good.......I think. Does that mean she'll share her bed with you, or will you just be visiting? In a sense, she may feel that has been the setup or arrangement since the beginning........that it's more like you drop in to visit. Most women need a full time H and father to their children, so seeing you leave to go stay in another state with the other children could really wear on her emotional/mental well being. It would be challenging on a more mature woman.
I may stand alone here, but I don't think your current W owes anything to your other children. The very best scenario is for a step-mother to love those children much like her own and to be good to them. The older the children are when the family blends.......and the terms......often determine the relationship between the children and step-parents. Of course, there are many other factors involved, too. But I'm trying to say that once your current W had her own children, and watched their father leave them to go stay with his first family.......it could cause resentment, even in the heart of a loving woman. If you place guilt on your current W about your older children and her lack of "mothering" them......that's a big mistake. I may have missed something that you've told the oldest one, but if you have not been honest (age appropriate) about step-mom........then that is on you. What are the ages of your two oldest kids?
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The only issue is that if I tell my eldest kids, they will tell my ex, who would cause a lot of strife for me because my ex dislikes me and my W.
Ah........well, that speaks volumes, right there! Strife between the first and second W.
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I know I can’t avoid it if we actually D, but for now, I am concerned about making a mountain out of a molehill if we wind up reconciling.
Well again, it depends on the age of your oldest child, as to how much you reveal. You don't want them worrying and crying over the possibility of losing their step-mom.
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I also think it is hard that my eldest will ask why they can’t spend time with my W’s nieces and parents whom they are also close to.
In one post, you said it was a three hour flight to the other state. So, have you taken your oldest children to the state of your current W to visit? How often?
Yes, you may be worrying about this ^^^^^^^^^ prematurely.
IDK, but I rather doubt your W is having a MLC. I think she is very unhappy about the state of her MR. PPD is very likely. Her hormones could be out of whack, but blood work would determine those results. I don't know how much one on one time she had with you without some kids or family members around. IMHO, it is very important to the health of any MR to have time alone with each other. I realize you want to see your children with your current W, but it might help to get her away from the house for a couple of hours without the kids. Plan something for just the two of you. Nothing too romantic, but somethin causual.....like a picnic or something that removes her from her regular environment for a while, and it's just the two of you. Don't discuss the M issues. Act as if you are getting acquainted with her. Don't talk about your other kids or your life in the other state. Don't put guilt or any type of emotional pressure on her. Just make it a pleasant time, and take her home when she's ready to go.
If you feel having a DB coach helped the M to reconcile the last time, why not call them again?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Thank you for responding and providing your thoughts. You have nailed my sitch exactly.
We were both aware of the living arrangements before we got married. In fact, we preferred at the time to set up visitation that way with my ex because it prevented me coming back and forth to other state for weekends. Yes, she was aware I'd have a second place until kids were grown. What you say though tells me things really changed when we had kids and I was a fool to ignore. I did tell her I was willing to change the custody agreement to be more with her and the kids, but I did not want to tell her this until she wanted to reconcile, as I did no want to try to convince her to stay.
Eldest kids with ex are 10 and 7.
First W is remarried. Relationship with her has gotten better but she does not like my w and I think would relish in the fact that I am having problems, because I went through my own MLC with her. And my W is someone she knew.
Ex does not reside in my house in the other state. We have separate houses. Current wife is financially sound and parents live with her to help with care of our kids. One reason why I can see why she sees any need in me being there when she has support from her parents.
We have a sep agreement (it cant be legal) in place and she is offering two weekends when I am not in sep state, plus time in between.
When I am in her home, I sleep in separate bedroom. And have been doing so for 8 months. I asked to stay for almost the entire months this summer, but she is not agreeing with it. To her, probably too little too late.
Have taken the kids from other state to wife state during the summers and holidays and now some long weekends. I'd say 4-5 times per year.
Her birthday is coming up so I am thinking of asking her out to dinner for that; last time I asked her to dinner to just get a break - no M talk; she thought about it for a while, but then said no thank you.
I have a coach, and using one now, but I am in between sessions.
Regarding her PPD, should talk with her parents about my concerns? We are pretty close and I am close to her family.
I hope this helps. And thank you for your guidance!
Also, W hired attorney and wants an agreement representative of D. I did as well. Told me she just wants a divorce and just wants us to get through this in the best way possible.
Update: W says she wants to spend time with eldest kids. Not sure how that plays out and why, but seems like a good sign. She also wants to stop cohabitation in her house (we're in separate rooms already, so this is not live there) beginning in September. Any suggestions/reactions?
Hi All, the past two days since I have been back have been a roller coaster. Implementing Sandis rules but I don’t think I’m here enough this week to ask W out for a date. She still basically ignores me unless about the kids. I might try next time I am back in town when she says I can stay at the house. I am now going to change my current custody order so I am in W state more. I hope this improves things and I am willing to take the risk because I’ve been away too long and was not there for her when she needed me. Right now she seems to jaded for me to offer any kind of pursuit behavior. I’ve posted a lot the past few days because so much has occurred between the next time I talk to my DB coach. Please anyone have any suggestions to know if I am on the right track? I am getting the feeling at times my W is showing too little too late.
Have you discussed changing the custody with your lawyer? I think you should get his/her advice before you make any changes. Taking this type of action, in hopes it will change your W's feelings......could backfire. Plus, how do you think it would make the older children feel?
Tell us about how ex W knew your current W back before your first divorce. Was this current W part of the problem in your M to first W? Did you start seeing the second W before you were legally D from the first M?
I honestly don't know if would help to ask your current out to dinner. As I previously said, I think you should avoid anything that suggests romance. Even referring to it as a "date" might be like waving a red cape at a angry bull.
If you have not expressed concerns about PPD to your in-laws by now, I really don't know if they would have much persuasion with her to see a doctor about it. It seems her mother would have said something to your W, if PPD occurred with previous childbirth and if it was noticeable this time around.
I think you are feeling very desperate to "do" something to see faster, more positive results. This type of fearful thinking can cause you to take action that you later regret. She has just recently changed her mind about giving you more days to stay in the house to visit the children. She has agreed to see the older children. She could just as easily change her mind to her previous decision. So, think carefully before you start applying pressure.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Thanks so much for the advice. I am speaking with my non W state lawyer this week. If I can get the right combination of days/weekends, I think my older kids would be sad but maybe not. We only see each other for a 10 day block, but if I split it out to maybe two long weekends, then I have just slightly less time with older but more time with younger and back in W state more. I feel like I am taking a risk, but somehow by showing more commitment to W and our kids, may help. In fact, W’s mom suggested that last year when M starting breaking down and I asked for advice. Regrettably, yes W was part of the problem in first M to first W. How would you suggest visitation to her agreeing to see older kids when we can no longer cohabitate in same house?
IMHO, those are questions you need to ask your lawyer.
Is your current W aware that you are talking to a lawyer about changing the custody of the older kids?
If you divorced your first W to marry the second W.......and then you change the custody agreement to favor the second W and be with her children more than the oldest ones, I think you will create a lot of resentment in your first family. Your oldest may not know the circumstances behind the D to their mother, but it will come out eventually. And, they will not only be hurt by your decision to give up your custody/visitation time......they will resent you and the younger family. I think it is a big gamble to take, especially if your current W has not said it would make a difference in her decision.
IMHO, you should be concerned about how you will visit your younger children in their state. Where will you stay if your W divorces you? At least you have a home in the state of your older children. If the D goes through, I rather doubt your W will be flying to the other state to visit the children of the first W.
You are in a mess and I don't know the best solution, b/c it looks as if one set of children are going to lose more time with their father. I hope the father doesn't lose more time with both sets of children, when all is said and done.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I appreciate your candor in this. I feel so ashamed of myself and knowing little things I could have done to make things better for my W. I feel up and down all in the same day. I wish she would just give us another try, but that’s just selfish on me. We reconciled before but we never worked on the M, so ai can see why she’d give up hope. I feel she has rewritten history, saying we weren’t compatible, when we were so early in our marriage. I feel betrayed.
I have not told W yet about my offer to change custody because I feel it would appear that I am trying to bargain with her. I am trying to detach and so the last thing I want to do is try to convince her.
I don’t know what will happen when I propose changing custody. What i do know is could have the same days, but just break it into two long weekends. I also don’t know how my oldest kids would react or want to spend time with a step-mom who divorced their day.
Intervention tonight: my WAW family all left the house, so I am with the kids alone. They are all meeting I would assume to talk with her about me. A bit awkward, but we’ll some what happens. Told WAW I was looking to change custody order. I am committed to this marriage.
Something changed a little. Now W is open to nesting, when before it was hell no. Says me living in an apartment would be good in a divorce “scenario”, when before it was asking me where I would live when I would be with the kids and I said I’d think about it. The part that confuses me is why she continues to want to cohabitate until September and then not cohabitate, as written in the agreement. If she wants divorce so bad, then why wait to initiate it? I won’t fight it because I love her and want her to be happy. I’ve yet to get a filing. This seems like she is testing the waters and/or trying to provoke me.
I thought nesting was leaving the children in the M home, while mom and dad took turns being with the children, while one of the parents stayed in a temporary place.
Exactly how would you benefit from this nesting arrangment? You already have a place to live when you are not with the children. Is she suggesting you rent an apartment for her to stay while you are in her house with her parents.....visiting her children? Wouldn't it be cheaper to go to her state, get a hotel room, and get the kids when it's your time.......rather than paying rent full time?
It sounds fishy, to me. Who suggested the nesting arrangement?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
This arrangement benefits the kids and I was offered a place to stay by her family for free. We agreed to swap living locations while the other is in the M home. So no need to pay rent or hotel.
I asked for the arrangement. It’s the M home and I was not willing to stay in a hotel. Eventually, if I get an apartment, I can have greater visitation.
I asked for the arrangement. It’s the M home and I was not willing to stay in a hotel. Eventually, if I get an apartment, I can have greater visitation.
What? . If the couple is nesting, why wouldn't they have equal time? So, your W would not leave her place at all? I am confused by what you are doing, but the important thing is for you to understand the pros & cons.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Thanks for checking in, Sandi2. Things have settled down a bit. Have not been back to WAW in two weeks, but that is due to Spring Break with eldest kids. Invited WAW and youngest kids but was declined.
We basically have a separation agreement in place after 8 months of separation already. We stop cohabitation in September, which still puzzles me. Why wait? I have about a week per month in her house with the kids while she is there; else I am in other state or on business trips. Working with exW to change custody agreement to about the same number of days, just split up to two long weekends per month. While WAW still says she wants D, she now refers it to D scenario when I suggested I might get an apartment long term, as staying at her relatives when I am not nesting, is not good long term.
I have good and bad days. Mostly good, hopeful for R but accepting reality for what it is. I’m also not very patient, so at times I just want to give up. But I can’t. Sometimes I text WaW, other times use LRT, just trying to find the right mix.
Update- when WAW found out I was staying at her sibling’s house when I was not in her house, she asked that I not stay there because it made her and family uncomfortable. The sibling and I both thought I could stay there, but WAW said not now. I agreed to stay in hotel instead, but an hour later WAW says it’s ok as long as I give her notice. At this point, I don’t know if I should stay there after this blowup. Any advice? Thanks.
My WAW’s birthday is coming up. We’re separated for 8 months now. I will be in the MH the day of her birthday with her family and our kids. What is an appropriate gift to give? Flowers, a card, a gift just from the young kids, or perhaps letting her know you’ll not join because you not being there is probably what she wants the most?
Edit - Post merged into your thread - best to stick to one thread until 100 posts - I would not send a gift! - Cadet
If a WAW offers for you to stay at her siblings house during a separation, would you accept or live in an apartment, keeping in mind an apartment will be trying financially for you? If apartment, would you move items from MH?
Thank you Helena. I am leaning towards staying at the relatives house. It is a cheaper option for me at this time. What surprises me so much is that her family does not appear to want to get involved in this sitch. If my WAW were my daughter, I would be all over her questioning why she is making this decision and recommending she give it another chance. What makes no sense to me is why a WAW who says she wants a divorce want me to stay at her relatives house? And why does she not just file when I tell her I wont object? She is becoming colder and colder to me, really testing my patience and resolve. Do borrow from a DBr I feel I've made myself into someone only a fool would leave..
Update - there was a misunderstanding of both me and sibling when I could stay at WAW siblings house and it resulted in drama. Long story short, I stayed in a hotel for those days. But from witnesses, WAW was visibly angry that I would be staying somewhere that she did not approve of. Sibling sided with me and will let me stay there as much as I need and within an hour WAW was ok as well with it. Somewhat surprised by how angry she got over this. I guess I am wondering why she is getting so angry now anyway. I basically said I would not fight her if she files and am willing to pay child support and follow a visitation schedule. Any reactions?
WAW was visibly angry that I would be staying somewhere that she did not approve of.
The more her family members are pulled into your marital problems, the more likely you'll have drama. Her siblings should not be taking "sides", b/c they are her family. It will naturally go against the grain for her to see them supporting you. Your M problems turn into their family problems......and it's like a snowball getting bigger.
I don't know why she got so angry. My first guess would be that she didn't want you staying with her family members. However, you will be staying in her house with her parents when it's your turn to be with the kids.........so who knows why?
My second guess is that she wants full control over this situation.......where you stay when you aren't with the kids, when you can see the kids, how long you see the kids, and where you stay while seeing them. With her parents there, it's almost like having supervised visitation.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Thank you, Sandi. WAW offered and agreed for me to stay at siblings house, but she did not like it when I was going to stay there other times even though the sibling said it was ok. Yes, control is what seems to be the theme. You’re spot on. What I also don’t understand why so much anger. I’m agreeing to not fight any filing when she wants to and basically to the visitation schedule she proposed.
Struggling to detach when the kids are involved. Call each night to talk to the kids and she is there holding the phone. Get photos of the kids from her each day. My hopes raise when I happen to check my phone and it s a text from WAW. Does she send photos just to be nice or to remind me that she s there? I should not read into it but it s hard not to.
Last edited by Cadet; 05/12/1806:01 PM. Reason: restored post
Hi Sandi. Thanks for checking in. For some reason my posts were not coming in; hence the blanks. Been hard to detach because I FT the kids each day and she answers. She also sends me photos each day of the kids so it does not help, because I interpret it as her saying hi. Seems like a giant mind game.
Thanks Sandi. Any advice when WAW does not greet me or say goodbye when I see her but her family does? I want to call her out on this because she is friendly when we talk in between.
I would not initiate texts. Let her text you first. But then validate only. See Cadet's link on validation.
Now there may come a time when you need to go No Contact and at that time you may not even respond to her texts. But that is for LRT and that will come later for you if needed.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Thanks. WAW wants divorce but won t file because I asked her not to. I have since said I won t object. We are under a separation agreement and separated since 8/2017. When she texts she just sends pics.
Last edited by Cadet; 05/12/1806:06 PM. Reason: restored post
WAW is asking for child support and for me to contribute to child care. By law I am obligated only to pay child support. Any thoughts on what I should do? She wants to simulate a custody schedule representing a divorce, so I am tempted to pay like a divorce . She will not like it if I don t pay for the childcare school, even though she works part time and parents provide childcare already. It is a bit of tough love but I want her to experience what divorce is like, that you can t have your cake and eat it too. Is this ok?
Last edited by Cadet; 05/12/1806:10 PM. Reason: restored post
WAW is slowly draining me of my will to continue. She can hardly look in my eyes when she talks to me. Only talks to me when she needs to do something. Otherwise cold. Feel like it s gotten progressively worse and I have been implementing Sandi s rules. I feel like I am dying of a slow death. I think my WAW needs to be on anti depressants and is not happy. So I feel I am the scapegoat. When does this end It seems like a never ending mind game and test. I hope she realizes that we ll need to have a good relationship to co parent. She s not helping here.
Last edited by Cadet; 05/12/1806:14 PM. Reason: restored post
). At any rate, the child is not a new born, and in a case of separation......your lawyer should be able to get you equal visitation. 
. If the couple is nesting, why wouldn't they have equal time? So, your W would not leave her place at all? I am confused by what you are doing, but the important thing is for