Yes, very true. Honestly, I think what’s happening is because she can’t or doesn’t have the courage to do file itself, so she is trying to get me to either file out of frustration or make me lose it so she can justify filing to her friends and family.
Hi Black, I've read your posts, but there doesn't seem to be much information about your marital history. What were the problems in your MR?
Is your W allowing you to see the children equal time.....or only seven days out of a month?
Have you had a follow up meeting with your lawyer since the second separation? Do you have legal advice about your rights as a father?
You said it is your W's house, so Is she currently living in the marital home? Has your lawyer advised you what to do, since she won't let you stay at home but seven days a month?
Quote:
I asked to live with her family members and they accepted if I am no there.
Could you explain what this means, please? ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Do you have no family of your own that lives close? Could you afford a one-room apartment?
Quote:
Just wish they could talk sense into her, but Sandi’s rules say don’t talk to family
.
The "rules" are simply a guideline for people who have just joined the board and don't know which way to turn or how to interact with their spouse, etc. They are not some type of dye hard law you are expected to follow if there is an extreme exception in your situation where the parents need to know what's going on. This "rule" was in reference of trying to get marriage advice from friends and family or get them to intervene on your behalf, or for the sake of the M.
The rule says, "Do not ask for help from family members or friends. Don't discuss private matters with them that would upset your spouse". Some H's talk about very private matters to family and friends. He vents when he is upset, or he wants them to help help him. See what I mean? It could actually prevent the W wanting to reconcile, or if the couple should reconcile, it could cause tension and other problems between the W and her in-laws, etc. Also, friends and family are usually biased, so you may not get impartial advice.....or the best advice for your situation. Blood is thicker than water, so in most cases, family will stick by their blood relatives, whether or not they agree with them.
If there is a serious health issue........for instance, or if your W shows signs of mental illness, or you are concerned for the safety of the children..........this would definitely be an exception where you would alert her family about your concerns, (especially, if they are unaware anything is wrong). But from what you've said, they have live with her at some point, right? So, have they mentioned any concerns to you about your W?
If you mean you are wanting them to "talk sense into her" so that you can live at home again......they may not want to get involved in the M problems, or they may even support the separation. I don't know the background situation, so it's a lot of speculation.
Do her parents currently live in her house, or does she live with them?
Your M has been in trouble in the past, and you turned to a DB coach. Were you seeing the same signs as you see this time? It is very difficult to help when we really have no clue about what brought the MR to this place. Please give us some marital history.
I hope you post a lot.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
What were problems in your MR? WAW says she is no longer in love with me, we are not compatible because we disagree on politics at times, I'f she know me better she would not have gotten married to me, I'm too negative, would lose temper and storm out of room or leave house for biz trip, not there enough with her and the kids to help. These all came out in marriage counseling about 2 years ago, after which we seperated, for 3 months, and reconciled right before our 1 1/2 year was born.Separated again 6 months later and have been separated since.
Is W allowing you to split equal time? Because I split time between two states because of previous marriage and two kids living there, and while I can be in her state, I cannot afford to live by myself because of house payment in other state. SO she lets me stay in house because I have to fly and pay for hotel; but only for 7 days per month.
Follow up meeting with lawyer? Not yet, but away of my rights and normal visitation as father. A bit hard for visitation because kids are 3 and 1 1/2 and breastfeeding.
W living in house? Yes, in her state. She got the house before marriage so in the state it is her property. Have to ask attorney on that.
What I meant on living with fam members? W's brother and sister in law offered for me to stay there instead of hotel when i am not in home for 7 days.
Sandi's rule? I think W has PPD and MLC, due to changes in behavior. Wanting them to talk to her to try to convince her not to divorce and to get help to really ask her to give us a try. I have good relationship with parents and family members.
Parents? Her parents live in her house and support with daycare etc.
YEs, same signs as last time, but now W is saying wants divorce versus only separation. HEr reasons to divorce also change all the time.
Regarding talking to family members, I have spoken to WAW Mom and Dad before, not asking for reconciliation but rather for advice on how I can make WAW happier. WAW does not engage with parents on the subject and parents try not to interfere; just dont think they realize the severity of things.
WAW has been trying to pick fights with me or at least trying to get me to have an emotional outburst -- anything to justify to others why to end marriage.
Also communicated that i will not stop WAW from filing for divorce; that this action will be entirely hers to do. If filing and being divorced makes her happy, then I have to respect her decision out of love for her.
I keep my out of state home because I have kids from previous marriage living in that state; and so I live there with them. I will sell the out of state home and remain full time in WAW state once previous marriage kids graduate from HS. Also, states are separated by a 3 hour flight each way.
