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So why the need to be controlling and coercive?

What are your plans to shift this behaviour?

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Originally Posted By: InFocus
Ok, so an update. Had a nice weekend with the kids. I did miss her, but we had a good time. I was a bit tense and withdrawn, but after listening to my kids - they've been stuck at home the last 3 weeks doing barely anything (my wife is a homebody).

So why are you tense and withdrawn? That seems like odd behavior around just your kids. How are you working through that?

Originally Posted By: InFocus
I guess I shouldn't have told her she's being a selfish bitch and that I wanted 50/50 custody because that seemed to create this situation that I am now in.

UH. NO. You shouldnt have said that.
Though I think fighting for 50/50 custody is reasonable and a great thing.

Originally Posted By: InFocus
She's talking to Domestic Violence Advocates and trying to get free legal advice. I'm confused what I should do?

Protect yourself. I dont think you need to do anything offensive. But how can you defend your reputation and rights? If that means filing, then maybe it's the best choice. But otherwise, I dont know that you DO anything.

Originally Posted By: InFocus
Should I just get my lawyer to file? She obviously wants to be free of me. Should I make it quick? Should I just enjoy the time and space, since I don't want this.

On TV, this is where someone would smack you. Stop trying to 'solve' something and just BE. Focus on whats important - you and your kids.

Originally Posted By: InFocus
Almost assuredly there is no other path than divorce. She has labeled me "abusive". While it's never been physical, I've been controlling and coercive. What is there to save?

So now would be an excellent time to learn:
1) why you might have acted that way...
2) how to prevent those actions from cropping up in your next relationship...

Originally Posted By: InFocus
No one can around me can give me any good advice. They say to talk to her, text her, try and have a straight up conversation. It's not happening, she won't let it.

What exactly does she need to tell you that you dont already know?

Originally Posted By: InFocus
Since she completely refuses to talk to me, I guess there is no hope?

Pshhhhh. Talking will only really hurt you right now.
Take the time and actually do something about who you are. Focus inwards and on your kid. When we say this is a marathon and to be patient, we are talking months/year....not days or weeks. Youre just setting off on your journey. Stop trying to control the outcome.

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Steve...yes sadly they will laugh at her. Just like you are. But gaslighting, cheating, verbal abuse and manipulation leave some of the biggest scars.

The covertness is the hardest to deal with. She is not a wayward wife. OP's words and posts reek of extreme narcissism and victimization and projection and I am surprised no one sees this.


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If Infocus wants to change abusing his W, then addressing this is the first thing he can do. Especially if as he says he is remorseful.

However as yet I don't really see any plans to change it permanently, although not drinking was a great spark of hope.

But there has to be real shift for a long time.

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Originally Posted By: Steve85
Originally Posted By: InFocus
Ok, so an update. Had a nice weekend with the kids. I did miss her, but we had a good time. I was a bit tense and withdrawn, but after listening to my kids - they've been stuck at home the last 3 weeks doing barely anything (my wife is a homebody).

My wife won't even look at me, let alone talk to me, or even text with me, other than to coordinate pickups and drop-offs.

I am apparently someone she wants nothing to do with. I'm still getting used to this obviously. I guess I shouldn't have told her she's being a selfish bitch and that I wanted 50/50 custody because that seemed to create this situation that I am now in.

She's talking to Domestic Violence Advocates and trying to get free legal advice. I'm confused what I should do?

Should I just get my lawyer to file? She obviously wants to be free of me. Should I make it quick? Should I just enjoy the time and space, since I don't want this.

Almost assuredly there is no other path than divorce. She has labeled me "abusive". While it's never been physical, I've been controlling and coercive. What is there to save?

No one can around me can give me any good advice. They say to talk to her, text her, try and have a straight up conversation. It's not happening, she won't let it.

So, what do I do? File first? I feel like I should do it, because that's what she wants and feels is best for her life. I also feel like I'm getting blame still for unhappiness.

Maybe I'm still trying to control the situation. I told my divorce lawyer I need time for her to communicate with me and decide if we can work this out amicably.

Since she completely refuses to talk to me, I guess there is no hope?


Take a deep breath. These things are roller coaster rides. Sounds like she is miffed about what you called her and your demand at equal custody. Par for the course. This is why you should try to control your outbursts because they will always make things worse not better. Ok, do better moving forward, but you can't take it back this time so don't dwell on it.

The Domestic Violence Advocacy is a ploy. Likely they will be privately laughing at her. Those folks deal with people that are almost killed by their Hs, so her calling them and saying "He called me the B word!" will be something they really don't care about. Her free legal advice will be "He's never touched you? You need to hire a divorce attorney if you want a D."

But seriously, just slow down. She will eventually come around and want to talk. Give her the time and space she needs to figure out that she needs to discuss things with you. And then remain in control. WWs/WASs are notorious for trying to irk their Hs into doing something they can use. Don't take the bait.


Thank you Steve! It's only been 2 weeks since BD. This roller coaster ride of emotions has me all over the board. I am doing the right actions now. But underneath it all is a storm of emotions. Thank you for the feedback and advice. Truly appreciated.

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Letting go. The control and coercive behavior is from my past. It's there lingering in the background. Not trying to make excuses at all for my behavior, but the source is my childhood where I was severely emotionally abused. My control issues are the externalization of my own voice and how I have to reign in all the chaos and need for love and validation. This is why I go weekly to ICounseling.

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Vanilla, not sure I can change it other than how I approach each encounter with mindfulness and detaching from emotions like I am observing myself. There are a number of techniques I am learning through counseling. I recognize I have a long way to go. If faced with living with her again, I could not at this point.

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Juju, she has walked out on me before due to neglect. While I forgave her and took her back, there has been resentment on my behalf.

I was wrong for what I did, how I treated her, and how I acted. I am addressing those actions, habits, behaviors on my own and through counseling.

Yes, I screwed up. Here I am accountable.

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I was tense because it's been weeks since I have been around my kids, let alone solo for the weekend camping in the rain. Being with them reminds me of their mother, whom I miss terribly. I had to bottle those emotions and get.through all of that with a smile and provide love and confidence as a father.

The outbursts are done. I was fighting her decision. Now I simply fight my own feelings of loss and anxiety.

I will continue to take steps to be an equal part of my kids lives and do the right thing by them.

If I protect myself, it would be to file first and set the tone for all potential issues. One is child custody. Two is selling the house or she must refinance on her own credit and income.

I don't have an adequate home yet, I am applying for a home to rent today, but I won't be moving in until May 15th. This complicates overnight stays and getting the kids more frequently.

My behavior stems from insecurity and immaturity, lack of understanding of what real love looks like. My own parents divorce and emotional abuse to eachother and to me. I handle my emotions dysfunctionally, even though my coping mechanisms and my own discipline have led me from literal poverty to some career and professional success.

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Keep in mind, she filed a restraining order effectively kicking me out of our marital home and keeping me away and unable to contact my children for a few weeks.

I am not angry as I have forgiven her, but it hurts to be treated that way by someone I thought was my everything.

Just because of an outburst and argument. Never again...I will never allow that to happen again.

Even if it means cutting out my own feelings for her forever. My kids are now my life and I will show it through my actions, behaviors, and habits.

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