First post, need someone to listen

[InFocus]

She is coming home soon. I have anxiety regarding our interaction. I will stick to sandis rules. I pray that God gives me the strength to do so.

[InFocus]

Thank you all for the kind words and incite. I truly appreciate them. I will keep you posted. Doing well right now...calm peace...my kids have smiles. this is good enough.

[InFocus]

So, some revelations. You can not compromise who you are at the root, you can work on your behaviors, habits, actions, but you have to be true to yourself. Respect the power of who you really are.

I keep making mistakes. But I refuse to let that bring me down or cripple me. I am human. We all are. While I have made mistakes, it is on me to fix myself how I see fit.

Also, this isnt about my feelings. This is about hers. I cant "fix" that. I can only witness and support as best that I can.

Yes, I aired my dirty laundry here. Yes, some of you decided to judge me. I am cool with that and respect that.

Where am I at. The crossroads of uncertainty and that is an exciting place to be.

I welcome change, because it is up to me to welcome and accept it.

Wrote her a long text message today and we spoke briefly. While she was not receptive, I had to say it. It cleared the air on my intentions to stand by her forever...even if she decides our marriage is over. I do not want that but I am man enough to love without want or need.


I came here looking for validation and support. I realized that will only come from within.

Yes, I am flawed. But by God's design, I will grow and learn from this and use this situation to be a better man.

Much love and respect for all of you. Thanks again!

[sandi2]

I am working on respect and self respect. As you said, dominated by fear anxiety and uncertainty. I have been weak. I have taken her for granted. I did not think this could occur and so once more I took her for granted. But there is always 2 sides to this. If I focused completely on her, where do I begin? We keep finding ourselves here because I need more and want more than she can give. She is probably exhausted by that.

I don't think focusing completely on her and nothing else is the answer to a healthy MR. I am not saying you should focus on another woman.......but I mean have enough interests in life that you are not codependent on your W. Maybe part of your problem is that you get too dependent, too focused on one thing.......and when the initial stage wears off......then you need more.........b/c you aren't as satisfied as you were in the beginning. Let me ask you something. Do you have a tendency to take everything you enjoy and "run it into the ground"? It's like overkill. You can't stop yourself. If it's a new game, new relationship, new food, new hobby, whatever.

I realize my actions have shown I am selfish and controlling narcissist. How do I kill that guy so the real me, the one who is here 99% of the time is the one she sees when she looks at me.

It may take lots of therapy. IDK, but I don't think your desires will completely be satisfied or the answers are going to come easily/quickly. At least, until you get professional help. Why? B/c you don't appreciate it if it's too easy, too plentiful, too fast. Maybe you don't value something unless you think you can't have it at all,.........and then, that's all you can think about.

I suspect you are addicted to several things.........mostly to whatever gratifies you in that moment. You are an alcoholic, and it scares you to death to think about facing life.......or even imagining life without alcohol. It has been your crutch, your escape, your motivation, your god.......whether of not you've admitted it.

You don't need anti-depressants, nearly as much as you just want an escape from your miserable reality. The fix is not in a bottle, a game, porn, pills, food, or any of the stuff you turn to when you want something else, something more......something better...... than the current reality. You don't even know what you want for yourself anymore. You only know you don't want to feel what you feel today.

((hugs))

[MoveFrwd]

Yes, some of you decided to judge me. I am cool with that and respect that.

Im very sorry if you felt that I judged you. To me, what happened in the past isnt that important....what IS important is what you can learn from your past behaviors to improve your future.

I believe until you address your own internal issues, your next relationship will end up back here. Whether thats after a second reconciliation with your wife or with a new girl. Youve already been down this road once with your W, and Im not sure why this time would be any different yet. I cant see where youve indicated what you have learned or how this time would be different. It very much comes across as what Sandi wrote:

You only know you don't want to feel what you feel today.

I dont think there is anything WRONG with you. But I think you are showing a pattern of behaviors which can be destructive to your relationship. Until you can root out those issues, I am worried about the possibility for you to have success with your partner - whoever she might be.

The root of DB is about changing ourselves.

I welcome change, because it is up to me to welcome and accept it.

So let's talk about this. What changes are you making? What goals do you have for InFocus2.0?

While she was not receptive, I had to say it. It cleared the air on my intentions to stand by her forever...even if she decides our marriage is over. I do not want that but I am man enough to love without want or need.

So....you say you 'had to say it'. But.....why?
What are your goals? If it is to reconcile your M, then anyone here would have told you that this is only going to hurt your chances. You say this was loving without wanting or needing, but sending a note like this sounds like it was for your needs.



We all want you to succeed. I hope that you will keep posting. AT the very least, I hope that you take this opportunity to really do some work in the mirror. Who is InFocus and what do you want for him?

[AnotherStander]

InFocus, first let me say this place is to help people become the best they can be, and unfortunately that often means we have to hit people with "truth darts" and 2x4's and it's not always pleasant for them. And this post my friend, is not going to be a walk through a field of daisies for you. But I think you need more of a wake-up call then you seem to have gotten so here it goes:

You are a broken man. You have wronged your wife in so many ways that it frankly boggles my mind. And now you want to throw the world's biggest pity party for poor little you. Buddy it's time for you to man up. OWN what you did. I don't mean sit around crying in front of everyone over how bad you've been (all while watching to see if they see you, and what their reaction is, right??), I mean DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT. Get in IC right away. Do 180's on ALL of your bad behavior. Accept that your wife is WAY better off without you (because right now, she is) and LET HER GO. Now let's break down some of your comments:

I've been going to my wife to ask and explain our situation and it's not been helping.

What exactly do you want her to "explain"? Are you unclear on how bad of a H you've been to her?

For a good portion of that early relationship, we were long distance. Writing letters, long calls, the heart wants what it can't have. At this time, I did see other people, my wife did not.

So even early on there was this pattern of her being loyal and you doing whatever you wanted.

Lots of mistakes are adding up. It's like you can't avoid it being together so long.

Oh yes, you can absolutely avoid it. You have to WORK at defusing tense situations and avoiding/ managing conflict in a long-term marriage. You need to quit trying to convince yourself that bad behavior is OK and "just happens" in a long-term M.

After about 4 years, my wife decided she was no longer in love with me due to my gaming addiction and lack of attention. She wasn't a priority. She let me know after I got back from a trip that she was moving out. So abrupt, had already gotten a place. No notice. I'm hurt, angry, but I knew that I had a problem gaming and quit.

YOU were hurt and angry?? How do you think SHE felt? Probably abandoned and betrayed. Does that matter to you at all, what SHE felt? Do you devote any time to contemplating that?

She moved out. I was lost. Angry, hurt. I did all the wrong things the first month. Pleading, angry, struggled with feelings of betrayal.

Angry? Feelings of betrayal? YOU are not the victim here, SHE is!!!!!

One day I came upon Divorce Busting. I focused on myself, GAL, followed divorcebusting 180 rules, and kept up hope - showed her my best, tried to prove that I could grow from that. Long story short, the fire was re-kindled, fell back in love. I was at a place of complete peace with getting back together or moving on with my life and I took the jump to get back with her. Life was good again. Beautiful light shone on both of us.

Well it's great that you were able to turn things around thanks to DB'ing, but you can't go right back to old habits, the DB changes are for LIFE. But not only did you go back to old habits, you picked up some nasty new ones.

That escalated. DUIs. Late nights, no calls, no texts. Probably occurred every other week on Fridays. Just became a thing for me. I wasn't there for her again. The more hurt she felt, the more she pulled back, protected herself, rejected me. I was spiraling. Searching for that out drinking and taking her for granted again. It was wrong, I know.

She didn't reject you, you rejected her. Again, you are trying to paint yourself as a victim here but she is the victim. You abused her emotionally.

I eventually had an incident at a strip club where I let a lapdance go too far, oral sex ensued. I didn't let her finish, but guilt drove me to tell my wife. She didn't leave me, didn't file for divorce, she forgave me without a second thought.

"Didn't let her finish", do you seriously think that makes a difference? You must or you wouldn't have said it. What you did is have sex with another woman. Not only that, but with some skank in a sleezy strip club. That is an absolutely disgusting act. Your wife may have forgiven you, but that is something she will never forget (as well she shouldn't).

I'm gambling, I'm drinking, I've cheated - not a full blown affair, but it's bad.

"Not a full blown affair", are you trying to convince us or yourself that what you've been doing isn't "that" bad? You betrayed and abandoned her, let's not try to plant flowers around this, it's as bad as it gets.

I'm "emotionally abusive" one night after a night of fighting in the car in front of the kids. I call her the "b" word. She hits me, slaps me, spits in my eye. I deserve it.

I'm certainly not going to defend what she did, that was terrible. But you calling her the B word in front of the kids is indefensible as well.

I'm not sure how I let it get here. Why I did all of that. I regret it all, apologized profusely. Spent the last month trying to turn it all around, be better, prove myself. Too late.

A month of changed behavior after years of abusive behavior is nothing. I think what you are trying to do is change for a while hoping you can get her back so that things can go "back to normal" and you can resume abusing her and living your partying lifestyle of bars and strip clubs. What you need to do is BECOME A DIFFERENT PERSON. You need to do it for you and your kids. The byproduct of it will be that she EVENTUALLY (a year or more from now) will see that you really have changed and that it's not just tricks to get her back, and she may very well become attracted again to that DIFFERENT you. But you have a lot of work to do in the meantime. What is your game-plan for becoming different? Right now you remind me of the addicts on those intervention shows that cry and show remorse and talk about how they are going to change everything from now on (all while still high from their last hit) and it lasts anywhere from hours to a few days before they revert right back to old habits. Talk is cheap. Change requires a LOT of hard work.

I'm needy, I want more, I want touch, love. I'm a weak person. She is the rock of our family.

And how can you turn it around and go from being weak and needy to being the rock for your kids?

I cry opely about my situation. More controlling behavior according to her.

I think she's right. You are controlling and manipulative and even now you are using your grief displays to try to guilt her into returning. You know what I did after BD? I would cry all the way on my long commute to work, then cry all the way home. I would pull it together in the driveway, walk in the house and say hello to my W and kids, ask everyone how their day went, then go in the bedroom to change clothes, lock the door, go in the closet and cry some more. Do you see the difference there? My family never saw me cry. Even though I felt like I was going to die, I never stopped being the rock for my kids. WHY ARE YOU CRYING IN FRONT OF THEM? Be honest with yourself, dig deep.

Words kill us and any chance at us. Yet we continue to " try for the kids".

No, words did not get you here. Your actions did.

At this point, the light has come on. I am done trying to fix myself or this situation.

You are done trying to fix yourself? Then I feel so sorry for your wife, your kids and any other woman that ever comes into your life after your wife finally gets smart and divorces you. You are a hot mess, your ONLY goal right now should be to fix yourself.

I am a good father at the very least and that will be my path for now.

Based on what you've posted here I'm not sure that's the case.

I also realized...this is not about me. This about her. Her feelings are ber own. I have no say, I can only witness and stand up for my own self respect, regardless of my mistakes.

It actually is about you and your abusive, controlling, manipulative behavior. It's about your bad habits. It's about the fact that you talk about everything you've done wrong and then play it down, and cap it off by talking about "self respect" when you should have absolutely none.

I recently went out with family, had some drinks, came home and pressured her for affection. I drink still and have comitted to doing it less and staying out of the wrong situations like bars, etc.

You've committed to doing it LESS???? What about NOT AT ALL?

I keep making mistakes. But I refuse to let that bring me down or cripple me. I am human. We all are. While I have made mistakes, it is on me to fix myself how I see fit.

Listen, you have got to stop all this feel-good BS talk. Your goal isn't to fix yourself how you "see fit", it is to stop all your crappy behavior and become a different person. Quit drinking, quit abusing people, quit lying, controlling and manipulating. Don't excuse it all away as "oh I'm human, I make mistakes now and then" because that is a cop-out.

So what are YOU going to do TODAY to become the spouse only a fool would leave?

[sandi2]

Still around? Hope to hear from you again.

[InFocus]

Hi sandi. Hello everyone.

On March 16th, she dropped the decision to divorce. On March 18th, I told her I would fight for joint custody, as our issues aside, I'm a good father.

That morning, we argued - I called her a selfish b*. She called the cops, left the house and I have not seen her since. On March 21st, I was served with a Restraining Order against me, my kids, and my pets - effectively kicking me out of the house and also securing her short term custody and complete control of visitation.

While I have had my issues, I've admitted to them and gone to counseling. In my opinion, the recent moves on her behalf are tied to her trying to posture for full custody of the kids during the divorce process.

The extent of the TRO revolves around our last few months of arguing and me pleading late at night to work on the marriage and be physically intimate - she recorded me on some of those occasions. There is little to nothing about the kids, other than they witnessed us arguing and my eldest was sleeping in the bed when I was pleading for physical touch.

While I was not perfect, I was definitely being set up for this divorce so that she could get exactly what she wanted.

I have also discovered for the last year she's been having some sort of EA, possibly PA with her boss who is a doctor - also married.

In fact, she told me asked to transfer 9 months ago, because of "career" reasons - but in truth I believe it was to stop the EA/PA from continuing with my wife.

While I'm not sure - I'm seeing lots of phone calls now on our Sprint bill - which I wish I wasn't snooping on, but I feel completely blindsided.

I've lawyer'ed up and she hasn't yet. But I suspect it may come, depending on how the TRO process shakes out. I will contest it all the way, as I have a job that requires me to have a clean background/security reasons.

I'm hurt right now. Perhaps I pushed her into the arms of another man with my behavior, but she could have talked to me - we could have worked on it.

Instead she's running, making sure I look like the bad guy, and pursuing her boss who's a married man...all the while living out her MLC - partying all night with girlfriends, using drugs, and not coming home until the next day.

I've been understanding, based on my past behavior - I felt she had the right to cut loose.

Unfortunately, I'm now in this predicament.

Not sure how to approach her tomorrow at the TRO hearing. Positive detachment comes to mind. I'm working hard on being a "Spouse only a fool would leave", but it's hard as I haven't seen or talked to my kids in 2+ weeks.

What do I do here guys? I can't compete with a doctor..a married doctor. I can't compete, I can't even talk to her.

She's blinded by this affair and the possibilities of freedom and more male attention, and I'm sure she feels confident that she'll win a huge child custody award and alimony - but my lawyers are fairly certain based on what they've seen that I'm good for at least joint, maybe sole custody (not my intention at all though).

I'm hurting, I'm scared, I've been lonely for weeks.

I was going out drinking before she told me divorce - it was just so hard. But now, where I'm at now - I'm not touching alcohol.

I've been working out, eating well, trying to focus on work (I'm really good at what I do and it pays me well). I'm looking better, feeling better - but I sometimes dwell on the loss. Of her talking to her boss daily.

I question if I should ask the kids if he's been around or they've been secretly meeting at my house while I'm gone. I'm scared of the answer and almost positive I shouldn't put that on my kids - but I feel a compulsion to know.

I miss my kids, hoping that this TRO works out so I can start seeing them. I love them so much.

Part of me though worries, once I start having the kids, that she'll go full blown into this EA/PA with her boss - that hurts me for some reason. Maybe cause I still love her after all this. I have even forgiven her for most of it...I guess now I have to try and forgive the EA/PA - not for her, but myself...it's hard - so hard.

But I'm a strong man, I got my kids on my mind, my goals set, I'm determined to prove to her she's made a terrible mistake. I feel obsession to grow from this experience.

I want this divorce now too, I need it to feel clarity, so I can have time and space. I'm not the control freak she makes me out to be, she's the one playing me like the fool. I fell for all of it. Love/marriage, wow. What a screwed up arrangement.

One time to Marriage Counseling and she throws in the towel - like it's just a check mark.

The weirdest part is I still feel like I should be apologizing for my faults. I was wrong with some of my behavior. Especially all the pleading, begging, chasing, pressure I was laying on her from Mar 3rd thru Mar 18th.

No more of that - going full 180, going to follow your rules sandi as best as humanly possible.

I'm still not sure what the future holds, but I'm taking it one step at a time.

[InFocus]

As an update. Judge questioned her motives for TRO and she broke down crying and agreed to dissolve it. It was done to posture for child custody and our upcoming divorce.

So sick and twisted to exaggerate and just make me out to be the complete bad guy. I am not sure how to process all the games she currently plays to justify this...her feelings and desire to leave. To be with another man.

Finally get to see and talk to my kids after 3 weeks. Thank goodness for that.

She looked terrible and worn. I am sure the last 3 weeks have been hard on her. I did so much with the kids. Here on out, it's solo parenting for us both. I will not falter there. My kids need me and I will be there like a champion.

I just want to have some say in what days I get the kids, but I don't want to be too picky. Any advice here?

[InFocus]

Spoke to my kids for the first time in 3 weeks. Good lord was that sweet! I can survive this folks! I can make it out of this alive! lol.