Thanks for your post.....I agree with everything you have said......I am starting to think that I shouldn't meet with him....the thought of it stresses me out so perhaps not engaging with him is best. I can't find those posts you recommended....can you point me in the right direction??
I really think that the way we hold on, is to avoid the grieving. But our marriages are dead. And you have to face it before reconciliation can begin. It puts you in a ppsition of strength.
I'm just realising this now, 3 months into my sitch.
It sounds like you are on the right track 2surviv. Good luck!
Married 9, Together 16 M:39, W:41, S:11, S:7 BD: 12/3/2017 In house sep: 1/7/2018 EA: March 2017 (ongoing), PA: Yes ______________________________ Attempting to defy gravity, by falling up
Sorry this is going to sound like a rant but I really need to get this off my chest.
I think I might have blown it as I didn’t handle this situation very well at all. I saw my H last night and when he started talking about how nothing had changed for him, he just exists from day to day etc….. He started repeating everything he has said before (almost word for word – hadn’t been happy for a years, we had lost each other, doesn’t see how he can ever make me happy again etc.). I’m afraid I just saw red. It’s been 6 months of bottling things up and trying to be the calm sane one throughout this ongoing rollercoaster ride and last night was the last straw. So much for DB.......
I’m afraid I lost my cool and told him exactly how I feel about how he has treated me throughout these last 6 months – I don’t think I have mentioned this before but he actually asked me to meet the 24 year old OW (he’s 52), within the first month of telling me about his affair saying that if we met it would resolve things for him (I actually believed him and met with her - talk about me being stupid). Anyway I literally told him that I was aware that she was practically living in our jointly owned home with him and that they were very much together as a couple – he said that it was the OW who was “seeking” him so I informed him that he does have a choice in the matter and because he hasn’t done anything to stop his behaviour I have to assume that it’s what he wants. I asked him what he was doing coming to see me when he is obviously with someone else – he says he loves me (obviously he does that’s why he is not with me). I asked him if he loved the OW and he said “I don’t know”. I then asked him if she knows how he feels and he just sat and stared at me blankly without saying a word. Everything I talked about him saying in the past like “the OW is so easy to make happy” and “the OW dotes on me” he denied saying – he says he never said those things. Also when I met with the OW she told me that they made plans to live together – he says they were her plans not his, and that he wasn’t present when she said that. What the hell is the matter with him……it’s like he can’t remember anything.
I’m afraid I am emotionally at the end of my tether with him – I seem to get nowhere and we go backwards and forwards. So against my better judgement, I asked him to file for divorce – believe me it’s not something I want, but he obviously isn’t coming back so what is the point of continuing with this and I don’t feel like I can realistically move on until I have closure. I also once again asked him to sell our house or buy me out (another thing he still hasn’t sorted yet).
Despite this all being against the advice about how to manage a MLC I have received on this forum, I just couldn’t stop myself and I must admit, at the time it felt good to open up about the way I was feeling – even though I know he probably doesn’t care and it did get emotional – he was crying and so was I. He wanted to hold me and I said no. I asked him to tell me our marriage is over – he said he couldn’t do that and that I would always be in his life at which point I said that I would be making that choice. He admitted that he was still with the OW so I said I would show him the door and told him that I didn’t want to see him again while he was still involved with her (he grabbed me and held me tight saying that we would see each other again and that I needed to believe that he loves me and misses me so much and could I think about whether we could see each other again).
I guess my frustration and anger had to come out at some point but today it all seems so futile and I am losing the will to keep going especially after I said all those things to him – trust me I haven’t covered half of it in this post. Believe it or not I still believe in my marriage and would do everything it takes to make it work but I feel like I am battling this alone and quite frankly I am tired of it all. The only positive thing is that I am moving away in less than 2 weeks to a new job, new house and hopefully a new start (he is unaware of this – I think it will do me good to just disappear and get away). In the meantime I am in need of any advice and support you wise folk are able to offer……..
Your subject, rollercoaster, drew my attention. That was my experience two years ago when I was going through all this.
First of all, you didn't blow it. We all make mistakes, plenty of them. It's not the end.
Second, my W and I got back together because her affair was doomed from the start. Just like your H and the OW. It won't last, so just sit tight and be the woman he's be a fool to leave. You'll look better while OW will start making mistakes.
My W also told me she missed me all the time. Sit tight and keep going. It will require patience on your part. Lots of it.
How far away are you moving? I'd say, let him know. Not as a ploy but because it's a fact. I haven't read your whole story, so I'm confused about how you can be doing this, but don't think of it as a strategy, just as a fact that he, as your H, should know.
Your current marriage may be dead, but don't lose hope that this could turn around! My situation did. If you can afford it, get a DB coach. I got such good advice from my coach.
11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker Reconciling since late April 2016 Don't give up until it's time, then move on Be patient, strong and kind but never a doormat
Thank you all for your support and feedback – I am so encouraged by everyone’s positivity (not hopeful and I expect nothing) and a part of me remains realistic about the possible outcome. And the drama continues and I continue to be angry and unsettled…… After me speaking my mind the other night (see previous post), I received an email from him saying that his thoughts are all over the place and that he can’t make sense of or accept where we are. He says that we lost each other somehow and for some length of time over the end of 2016 and into 2017 (why didn’t he tell me???) and then he goes on to say that he reached beyond our marriage, in belief that I had stopped wanting to see us (and again I am blamed for his choices!!!). He says he can’t take it back and he knows it can’t be forgotten and that he doesn’t see a way to make me happy in the future (he doesn’t really want to try either…!!!). He says he cares deeply for me and is horrified by the pain he has caused and that he is unable to tell me that it is over between us but if it will me move on then he will contact a lawyer this week (blame again???) He finishes it off by saying that despite what his actions suggest, he will never move me out of his heart (yeah right……that’s why he is living with someone else!!!) What I don’t get is why he just doesn’t walk away and live the life he has obviously chosen – I have given him every opportunity to walk away from our marriage and call it a day (something else he could blame me for if he chose to) but he won’t. The way I see it, is that at least I have a fantastic new job (promotion) and a new place to stay so I am moving out of the area - I am doing this for ME and my sanity as I have to continue my journey (alone for the time being) and find myself again.
so.....On it goes. I received anther email from WH last night saying that he has been thinking endlessly about what I said when I saw him last (when I gave him a piece of my mind). He says that it is apparent to him that our lines of communication have been confused (mine haven’t) as he believed that I didn’t want to hear from him and that he was worried about the pain his communication would cause. He goes on to say that he hasn’t yet found a lawyer to file for D but that the mortgage company has agreed for him to buy me out but that he isn’t sure what I would believe would be in my best interests (??? As if he really cares!!). Also, he says that he would like to increase his communication with me and not only about practical matters. He says that he never intended his leaving to be seen as abandonment but rather as protection from harm (yeah sure!). I mean what on earth is he trying to do – I continue with the no contact and have not responded to this email or the previous one. I am so tired of it all……..
Hey folks.......I am having a bad day today - feel emotional and full of self doubt about what I am doing. Everything I am doing feels "alien" to me i.e. the no contact, the no sharing of my thoughts and feelings but most of all the fact that I haven't told him that I have another job and am moving away (about 300 kms). I feel like I am almost giving up on my marriage when its the last think I want to do. I just don't see any other option at the moment other than to make a life for myself (by myself for the time being). Logically I know this is the right thing to do but emotionally it feels so wrong especially since I feel like I am playing games which isn't me and I'm lying by omission. In need of expert advice and support.........
From an outsiders point of view, you are 100% right in that all you can do is make a life for yourself.
Why are you doubting taking a job that is right for you and moving away, which also seems beneficial to you? What exactly are you afraid of? Writing this out might make you feel better.
I feel like your ex's coversations with you are just meant to confuse you so that you will remain his plan B and nothing more. If you become his plan b, he will not value you. You will not value you.
Keep your pride. So far you are doing great.
If they want to return they will move heaven amd earth to do so. (Thats also the only way piecing would actually work) He is not doing that at all. Hes just feeding you some weird nonsense to confuse you, and alleviate his guilt.
If he does return you need to be in a position where you know you are not taking him back because of fear of the unknown. So embrace your unknowm. Put yourself in a position of strength. (This takes time)
What games do you feel like you are playing? What lies? I dont understand. He left you for someone else. There is no more marriage. You owe him nothing. You owe yourself everything.
Love your self more. You are such a capable person. Of course there will be emotions involved. They will continue to be there for years and years. Just keep focusing on you. Do what is in your best interest. Dont let him keep you down. Remember who he is and what his actions have been. And remind yourself of who you want to be.
How would you advise a daughter, or a sister, or your best friend if they were living your current life?
And so it goes.....received a text today asking if I received his email from last week (received 2 last week ) and if I did I obviously am choosing not to respond and if I didn't could I let him know so that he can resend it. Guess what - I haven't responded - this NC is keeping me sane - am I being cruel for feeling this way????
First let me say that I think your post up above about your boiling point with H is something that needed to happen. It's not something suggested in DB'ing, but when you're dealing with the worst kind of cake-eating WAH like you are then you've absolutely got to draw a line in the sand or it'll just go on forever. He MUST feel he will lose you before anything will change, and if you sit around letting that sitch continue then he will be happy to keep right on cake-eating. So don't beat yourself up, I think it needed to happen and it sounds like you handled it well enough. Sounds like you were firm without being overly angry towards him. It takes a lot of strength to do what you did, you should feel good about it!
Second...
Originally Posted By: 2surviv
And so it goes.....received a text today asking if I received his email from last week (received 2 last week ) and if I did I obviously am choosing not to respond and if I didn't could I let him know so that he can resend it. Guess what - I haven't responded - this NC is keeping me sane - am I being cruel for feeling this way????
THAT IS NOT CRUEL!!! The whole idea of NC IS to keep you sane! It takes you off his crazy roller coaster ride. You are doing the right thing, just keep ignoring his ridiculous texts. All he's doing is damage control, he's trying to bring you back in line as Plan B. HOLD YOUR GROUND. If anything just send him something extremely short like "message received".
I know this all hurts and is confusing, but you are taking the right approach. You got his attention and that's why he keeps texting.
