My husband is in the throes of a midlife crisis (he’s 51 years old) – it’s 6 months since he informed me of an ongoing affair with a younger girl (it’s been going on for around 9 months now), she is 24 years old. We have been married for 25 years and up until this time we have always faced whatever life threw at us together. In hindsight, over the last year he has done all the common midlife crisis things – anger, going out with a much younger crowd, recently spending money (mostly on his affair partner), drinking etc. After he told me about the affair he moved out and moved his job to another town. He said he was confused and couldn’t choose between us as he cared for us both. I made it clear that I could not be in a relationship with him while he was still in a relationship with the affair partner. Our contact over the last 6 months has been limited and at times very emotional – also he is quite unresponsive and refuses to discuss anything in relation to our marriage. He has rewritten history and says that our marriage has been unhappy for the last year. I honestly don’t recognise the man I see in front of me – he is tearful, anxious, and emotional. He doesn’t want to work on our marriage even though I have told him that I still love him and want our marriage to work; over the last few months he hasn’t shown any commitment to me (his commitment appears to be to his affair partner as he is taking her out for meals etc.). I have deliberately not pressured him into making a choice and don’t ask him anything about his affair but I do know that she has moved her job to the town where my husband is working so I am assuming that it is still in full swing and that they are planning to move in together (into a house we jointly own). Throughout this entire time, I have managed to maintain my dignity and self-respect but it has been really hard and I have been through a rollercoaster of emotions which has affected me physically and mentally. I have read a lot about midlife crisis and am aware that there is no “quick fix” to it. 4 weeks ago, after having a period of “no contact” with him (my choice due to ongoing stress levels and I wanted to give him some space and time), I decided that the only way through this for both of us was to let go of him so he can find his own path forward (and I can find mine). I met with him and explained that because I love and respect him, I need to accept his decision to walk a different path to me and as such I am letting him go so he can be happy and live his life the way he is choosing (but that the door is open for him to return at a later stage if he so wishes). I have asked him to consider buying me out of the own jointly owned home or selling it as I need to buy my own home (also he has had her staying in the house with him so it has been difficult for me to feel comfortable there). Although we have separated he hasn’t yet asked for a divorce (he has never told me that our marriage is over and continues to tell me that he loves me) and I am not planning to ask him for one either as I am still hoping for a reconciliation.
I have learnt a lot about myself over this time and have grown in so many ways – I have a new job which will require me to move a fair distance away from him (I need to get away from everything familiar to gain control), I have done all the practical things like finances, legal advice etc. so I am trying to move forward as much as I can.
What I would like to know from you is
· do you think letting him go was the right thing as I am doubting this decision? ( I guess I fear that he won’t come back)
I am planning to move jobs and accommodation in the next few weeks – I haven’t yet told him that this is what is happening – do you think I should tell him? (He is able to reach me if he wants as he has my phone number)
I guess any other advice/suggestions will be appreciated.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
I feel like you are devaluing yourself by saying "hey go enjoy your relationship with a girl half your age. I will just wait right here for you till you have your fun or she dumps your ass for someone her age. But not until after you spend our savings (and kids savings?) on trips and jewelry for her"
You have given him permission and why?
Why are you worth so little?
Get some pride and take your life back in a way thats gonna make you feel good. If you dont respect yourself he never will. No one will. And by allowing that, you are not respecting yourself.
Evaluate why you would even want a man capable of that back in your life. Im assuming you have been a loyal and faithful wife? Thats worth a lot. And there are many good men out there that will appreciate it.
I would never date a man that did that to his wife. He is not a prize you should be trying to win back. He is disloyal and uncommitted.
Sorry you are here. I know it [censored] and hurts. Here are my answers:
· do you think letting him go was the right thing as I am doubting this decision? ( I guess I fear that he won’t come back)
Yes it was the right decision. He is already gone. Letting him go was for you, not for him. You need to look at it that way. He may come back, he may not, you have no control over that. But letting him go was you taking control of you! Good job, it is a hard thing to do.
I am planning to move jobs and accommodation in the next few weeks – I haven’t yet told him that this is what is happening – do you think I should tell him? (He is able to reach me if he wants as he has my phone number)
No don't tell him, just do it. Letting him go means you no longer initiate conversations about logistics. If he contacts and asks you can tell him then.
As far as other advice? Continue to detach. Work on you. Find ways to stay busy, get active. Find new friends or connect with old ones. GAL that only an idiot would be willing to walk away from.
It also struck me that his AP is 24 and you've been married for 25 years. Good grief. What could he possibly have in common with a 24 year-old?!?
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
You are so right, Steve85, I let him go for me because I respect myself enough to accept that I cannot fix him and that by continuing to be manipulated by him was doing so much damage to my confidence and self esteem. Detaching is the hardest (but the best) thing I have ever done (I'm still working on it) and some days I have a lot of self doubt but it is getting better. Actually, I find that having no contact is the best thing but it's difficult when there are practical issues to resolve.
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
So, today I had an email from my H and it was a real angry one..... blaming me for wanting to sell the house, he said that my friends were "feeding me fantasies" about what was going on in his life (about the OW moving in as I have been reliably informed that she resigned and has a job in the town where we have our joint home, she has moved her animals up there so no doubt she is living in the house with him), he said that because he has to pay for the mortgage, his boat loan, car loan and the insurance policies, that he doesn't have any money and now thats my fault to (he isn't looking at what he has been spending on her). He said that I am choosing not to share any personal information with him and that he hopes that I would tell him if I need anything and so it went on and on - he is very angry .........This is the first time I have felt the wrath of the his anger - I haven't responded to him yet and I plan to email him back with a one liner ......"I am so sorry you feel this way........" and that's all I am going to say - as someone wise once said "you can't argue with silence" - forgive me I cant remember the source. I intend to continue to have my dignity and self respect.
Why cant he see his own situation clearly - we wouldn't be in this mess if it wasn't for his decisions and behaviour - I guess it's easier to avoid rather than face responsibility - although for the first time I get the feeling that reality is kicking in........maybe the AP is starting to put the pressure on him......... and I continue to Stand" ............thoughts or advice anyone??
Anger is a common response to letting go, detaching, and LRT. The WAS is always wanting to keep one finger of control over the LBS. When that control is slipping away, they will often panic. Anger is a common result of that panic.
You are doing great. Check out the validation thread for some good, validating responses that will keep the DBing going on your side.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
So, after getting an angry email (read previous post for info), this morning I get another email saying that he realises that time has moved on since we last saw each other and a lot has happened in that time (yes.....I moved my belongings of our home (he had been taking her there)and asked him to either sell the house or put it on the market after hearing that his OW had moved her job and animals up to the town where our home is....I assumed that she would be moving in (not rocket science is it???). Anyway, back to my current dilemma.......he then said that he hopes I will be able to communicate with him on a more personal level which I apparently have been avoiding since I moved my belongings out (did he expect me to be friendly and happy - I have communicated by email in a civil but business like manner about practical aspects). He then went on to say that he's not sure when I will be ready to see him again (if ever) and that he is available to meet up if it would help to discuss things face to face......
So here's my dilemma ........trust - I'm not sure what his motive is (so sad to be suspicious of someone you were married to for 25 years) but after all this time he hasn't ever really initiated a meeting with me and I am wary of being manipulated by him - I am scared of being hurt again and am reluctant to meet with him unless he is willing to discuss his feelings and our relationship (the last 2 occasions he has basically been unresponsive and refused to discuss anything which has been a waste of time). On the other hand, I want to keep the lines of communication open as I still want a choice of reconciliation in the future......
What are your thoughts on setting the boundaries by telling him that I will only meet with him if he is willing to discuss his feelings and our relationship (I have said how I feel a million times and am worried that he is "baiting" me)? Also do you think he is "cake eating" or is he looking for reassurance as I have never been assertive before and I get the feeling that he is unsure of where things stand ( I haven't seen him for 4 weeks and have not initiated any contact). Its to early for re-connection (although he has never let me go) and I am stronger than I was but I feel I need to handle the situation with finesse.........please help........
I think he is temperature checking. The truth is, if a walkaway wants you back they are going to walk through coals to do so. They will make it happen.
Piecing would never work unless they did.
I find that they also want what they cant have. So if you tell him "i only want to meet with you if you are ready to talk about reconciling with me and our relationship", you are telling him that you are right there waiting for him. Dont do that. Keep your value high.
If you do meet him, you need to keep it casual. No relationship talk. Jus logistics. Act as if. You have a lot of great things going for you. Remember that... its his loss. And hes the one that will lose out on the long run. Not you.
Please read marving's post in mlc. Its happening. Eyetie was an old poster here who had cancer and his wife left. As soon as he healed and moved on and truly got a life, she wanted him back. (He no longer wanted her though) read bluwave also. It wasnt until she moved on and gave up that he wanted her back.
Their affairs need time to fizzle out. Amd you need time to grieve and really examine your relationship.
I really think that the way we hold on, is to avoid the grieving. But our marriages are dead. And you have to face it before reconciliation can begin. It puts you in a ppsition of strength.
