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#2780807 03/06/18 01:03 PM
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#2780545 - 03/04/18 10:52 AM 2nd Round MLC ? Dejavue?
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2014 H came home drunk text appeared on his phone while he was passed out. Discovered PA. I shattered to the core. Lost a lot of my hair my job and realized I loved this man more then myself and had work to do. He couldn’t take seeing me so sick so he moved out. 4 months went by and he agreed to counseling. We went for approx 4 months then he moved back on then no more counseling.

2016 Things seemed good again overall however approx every few months he would go off the grid and come home completely drunk. He worked in NY plus traced a lot due to work.

Fall of 2016 H diagnosed with prostate cancer. December 30th sx. April 2017 H corporate buy out. Next 6 months helped me with my work and we went on some really nice trips, and invested in a class b motor home by October 2017. Plus celebrates our 30th anniversary in Niagara falls. Then end of October came home so inebriated he got aggressive physically so 25 D called police on him so cop took him to sleep off. Found out he resumed a EA with previous W.Next day he agreed to get counseling for himself and said the EM was not going on just a sick curiosity of what she was doing.

November offered a new executive job in Florida. As a family we didn’t think it was a good decision to take but he accepted anyway.

January we decided we needed to get an apartment or but a condo down in Florida. Flew down picked out furniture and house good with him. However he got lease in his name only refused to give me a key and by February he said he is happier living by himself and wants to be alone.

February 13th I fell on black ice fractured my R arm and herniated disc in my back. He came home until my sister was able to come help from out of state then he said he no longer loves me and wants a separation and left. My health got worse and I have lost 30lbs in past 3 weeks as nothing is staying inside me.

Doing my best to make sure I am following up with dr. For now he is paying the bills however since November he has paid 35,000 on credit cards which is so out of character of him and when asked about it and expressed concern H gets defensive and gaslights saying things like I am not a drunk womanizer.

Financially I am concerned because at this rate of spending our savings account will be drained within 6 months. How do I handle that situation if he gets angry when I want to discuss finances?
In the meantime I am not calling texting or emailing and he is 6 states away so I have no idea what is going on but trying to work on my health and well being.

He does email me approx 2 times a week and I try to just be respectful and courteous as I have no idea why he is contacting me if he wants to be left alone and live alone.

H last email was to say hope you are well and I want you to know it’s okay to speak over the phone if I want too and that he doesn’t want me to think I can’t then he says you say hope your okay well I’m not always but I try.

I have no idea what to say or how to respond anymore as HE left me all while I am physically not well and emotionally sad this is happening again. He knows I love him he knows I care he knows I would love to have a healthy adventurous life with him however it’s not what he is saying he wants so why would he think I would want to talk about anything or share anything if he doesn’t want a life with me now?

I have heard him say that I am controlling, nagging, wanting him to fail and feel guilty. His perception of the past and me seems twisted so how am I to resolve as this is not the person I normally know.

I have ordered the DB book, watching Michelle’s videos and trying to understand where I went wrong, how to cope, and what steps I need to do in order to not shatter again all while not giving up on my marriage.

H 50
M 52
D 25
SIL 25
Married 1987
D Day 1st 11/24/2014
Separate 4 month 2015
D Day 2nd 2/13/2018
Separated 2/24/2018

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Last edited by job; 03/07/18 02:19 AM. Reason: added space between paragraphs
ruhappy #2780851 03/07/18 02:18 AM
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Welcome to the MLC Forum. I am pasting in Cadet's Welcome thread w/lots of homework, so read and ask questions as they come along.

Welcome to the MLC Forum. You will meet people who are at various stages of dealing w/the fallout of their spouses being MIA. I am going to post below, Cadet's Welcome Posting. Please read the links and then come back and ask questions, if you should have any.

Welcome to this board.

The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy book by MWD,
Divorce Busting is also an excellent book.
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/
http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm

Michele's articles
http://www.divorcebusting.com/articles.htm

Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.

It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.

Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.

You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)

I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.

Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.

I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read.

This POST is under reconstruction and we will be working on this as time goes by, this is the most current version.

I would start with the going dark link.
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post50956

Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153

Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2537289#Post2537289

Resources thread(last post only)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2592296#Post2592296

Things you should know as the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2701017#Post2701017

Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1

Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764

Doormat Tactics
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1942444#Post1942444

Standing vs leaving
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1966340&page=1

Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574

Musings from AmyC
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2253741#Post2253741

MLC Signs
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2177869#Post2177869

The Final Stages Withdrawal to Acceptance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2074403&page=1

WAS showing you positive signs? WAIT - READ THIS!
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2772942#Post2772942

Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.

I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources.
You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.

Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!

Believe none of what he/she says and 50% of what he/she does.

I would not ask him/her anything unless you can have no expectations.
Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure.
You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H/W as controlling or pressure.

Lets not worry about him/her. Lets work on you!
Start your homework assignments.
Something to DO while you are on moderation.
GAL.
Eat, sleep, exercise and take a deep breath.
In general take care of your self first.

Detach the single most important thing to DO.

Your H/W has given you a gift
THE GIFT OF TIME
use it wisely

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon
_________________________
Me-63, D30,S29


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
job #2780914 03/07/18 08:24 AM
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Hi Ruhappy,

I'm guessing here but it looks to me like this is the same MLC returned from 2013. MLC in men takes 5 - 7 years to complete and maybe longer. He was gone for only 4 months in 2013. Rarely do such returns last before they have to get back to resolving those hidden issues deep inside.

I'm sorry to hear about your health issues and hope you recover soon. The MLCer really doesn't have much compassion while deep in the crisis. It's unfortunately just part of the condition.

Finances - it would be critical to lock the finances down so he can't spend your savings too. Not easy to do though unless you see a lawyer for a separation agreement.

Good luck - it's tough but so are we LBS's.

Adios #2780946 03/07/18 11:26 AM
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Hi

Welcome..sorry for your situation,

I know first hand how devastating it is to be here-

I would definitely get legal help to figure out how to protect yourself

I also noticed my XH spending and racking up debt..
I called credit card company and took my name off all cards..
MY XH was typically careful with money until MLC..
then He spent and spent..very our of character
but he also had a young OW who encouraged his spending and they gambled as well
because I was not on the credit cards, I was not held liable for his debt
and the credit companies called my home and office looking for him for years-finally they stopped

I also took 1/2 of the savings out..
took everything that was mine and took his name off all I legally could-
legal advice is imperative here to save yourself from losing it all-
once they have exhausted the funds there is no way to get them back-
this is a common theme in MLC land

hang in-you will find your way

sometimes it is a tough call to create limitsand take care of us first- because the MLCer will get angry- but to not is to risk losing all we have worked so hard for- and Ive seen that happen for those who do not act-


married 14 years
H 42
bomb 2/07 IDLYA
D final 3 /09
M ow D ow
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Hello ruhappy

Welcome. I am sorry for what you are going through. Here you will find many knowledgeable and compassionate people who know what you are experiencing.

Adios and peacetoday are correct you need to figure out how to be financially stable. You have already seen how quickly your H is draining your savings. Seek legal advice and go from there. It most likely won’t be pleasant or friendly, but it needs to be done.

You have probably read and experienced how the MLCr becomes opposite of the person you once knew. Your H says you’re controlling, nagging, and wanting him to fail. He is rewriting history. All typical behaviour, and I’m pretty sure, it is quite the opposite of the man you know. He is just trying to justify his behaviour. When my W left she blamed me for the furnace vent blowing on her and making her cold lol.

I am glad you ordered the DB book it is very helpful.

Post often, ask questions, we are here and we understand what your going through.

How is your arm and back?


Feelings are fleeting.
Be better, not bitter.
Love the person, forgive the sin.
Adios #2780967 03/07/18 03:28 PM
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Thank you Adios, I did not realize that MLC last 5-7 years or longer and at the time when we reconciled in past we were in MC so I trusted the counselor and hindsight should have continued going even if he wasn’t going any ire

ruhappy #2780968 03/07/18 03:31 PM
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As for my health. The arm has a radial fracture, my back the neuro surgeon is meeting with me in the 20th to go over options as I won’t take opioids

ruhappy #2781098 03/08/18 11:54 PM
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It's true that a crisis can last quite a while and some do not come out of it and become "old" teenagers who are stuck. Some may come out healthy and whole, others may exit with a few MLC traits that can either be good or bad...but no one knows how a crisis will play out for him. Each crisis is unique, just as the person is unique and their childhoods play into their crisis because they were emotionally stunted a long time ago.

I do hope that your health will improve and your doctors can find a way to help you. Keep the focus on you as much as possible. Stress plays a role in our health as well and it's important to get rid of that stress either being yelling, beating the stuffing out of a pillow or something doing something physical.

Please take care of yourself.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
job #2781381 03/11/18 11:34 PM
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INA
He sent me an email saying :
am available to talk Monday or Tuesday, I have to travel the remainder of the week.

So do just say “okay. I hope you have safe travel”
Or What do I say ????

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ruhappy #2781425 03/12/18 05:47 AM
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First, you need to pick a day, i.e., Monday or Tuesday and then say "thanks for letting me know. Let's talk Monday". You don't need to over think your response on this one.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
job #2781492 03/12/18 10:04 AM
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Thank you ! That is my biggest problem over thinking and being too wordy

ruhappy #2781515 03/12/18 12:37 PM
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Well he called twice actually tonight the 1st he said hello I said hello and he asked how are you and I said I’m good so then he hung up. Then 15 min later he called back and said he had to plug phone in I said okay. He asked where I was at I said upstairs. He said who is there. I said Sister is at a meeting and Brother in law just got home from work and making himself dinner. He said okay.
He said work has been busy with weather. I said I imagine so.
He said how is your medical stuff I said tackling one thing at a time and he ask did you see neurologist surgeon yet I said yes I go back to him on 20th. He said okay.

He said well you wanted to talk about finances. I said yes I did before. He said well I’m not stealing anything. I said didn’t say you were just wanted to go over statements.

I said just need to know the plan.

He said well the plan is I am paying the bills because they are my responsibility and you need medical coverage so I am not going to be sh@tty like you think I am and leave you without coverage.I said I didn’t say you were sh@ty and thank you for letting me know.
He said well I know you don’t trust me and I don’t trust you but I don’t want you to be scared.

I said please don’t assume anything about me and honestly yes I was scarred because it took me off guard when you didn’t give me key to place, said your happier alone and didn’t want to sleep in bed with me and then left. He said where did you hear that from me. I said yes. He said okay.He I know you think I am not right in the head but actually I am doing much better and when you came down to Florida it sealed the deal. I said you mean the full blown panic attack from me & being sick. He said it was more than that and you hate Florida. So I said okay.

He said I didn’t call to argue and I said I’m not arguing just trying to find solution and understanding.I said if this isn’t a good time to talk we can talk another time.He said well I don’t what or who is listening or what point your trying to make. I said Scott I see it differently but understand your feelings. He said what do you understand? I said that your not happy and rather be alone. I just wanted to know the game plan on finances.He said well if you feel we need to discuss a separation of assets so you feel safe we can.I said well have you spoken to anyone formally about it and he said no as I am not in nj and neither are you and I don’t know if I can get back to nj for a few weeks and I need to text Lorraine to tell her not to kill herself shoveling a unoccupied house.

I said would you like me to talk with an attorney. He said if that makes you feel safer as I’m not stealing money I fact the cc Bill is less this month and will be less next month and I been using another cc since mine was stolen and I gave to Stacy. I said okay well my new card hasn’t come in yet and I haven’t touched accounts as I want sure if you were serious about me taking most the savings getting my own checking etc or just annoyed and venting. I said I haven’t seen statements. He said well I haven’t spoken to anyone Amy! I sent the taxes to Deb I said okay thank you.

I said so your gonna keep paying bills, mail the statements to me and let me know about stock options.He said yes but I am not going to have to answer to you.

I said not asking you too however the 401k savings assets and debts are mine too so I have a right to know and it sounds like your annoyed so we can talk another time.I said hope you have a good work week and he said okay hope your medical visit go well and I said thanks bye and hung up.

Last edited by job; 03/13/18 06:27 AM. Reason: edited for language and spaces between paragraphs
ruhappy #2781611 03/13/18 06:28 AM
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As a gentle reminder, we have all walks of life that post here as well as lurkers. The DB Forums have some of the most wonderful people posting, but we do tend to sometimes get caught up in the moment and forget what we accepted in the "terms and conditions" for posting here.

One of the "terms and conditions" that is in the Policies thread that Cadet has posted is stated as: "Participants shall treat each other with respect, refraining from rudeness and foul language."

I realize that we all tend to forget that we aren't sitting around w/a group of friends just shooting the breeze and anything that we say is okay, however, we do need to be mindful of those who do come here to read our postings and sometimes the language can be offensive to others.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
job #2782369 03/21/18 06:39 AM
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Thank you. My apologies

ruhappy #2782370 03/21/18 06:40 AM
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You don’t get over it,
you just get through it.
You don’t get by it,
because you can’t
get around it.
It doesn’t ‘get better’;
it just gets different.
Everyday… Grief puts
on a new face…
– Wendy Feireisen

ruhappy #2782672 03/24/18 09:57 AM
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When is a good time to reach out to H and let him know what I want and ask him questions such as this information?
A goal I would like to achieve is to decrease or eliminate hurtful and destructive interactions and increase pleasant times together and to do so as quickly and painlessly as possible. While we have different perspectives I was thinking back to times when we got along and how differently we acted towards each other. We use to spend more time together, we loved being together and it actually didn’t matter what we were doing.We made each other feel important, we talk a lot about what was going in the world and mutually respected each others jobs and interest. I have no interest in focusing on the past, holding grudges or resentment.

What is different about the times when we get along ? What was I dong differently? What did the two of us like doing together when he felt we had good times? Is it fair to think that each others should try to meet each others specific needs to find a common ground but also understand it doesn’t mean it should be only my way or only his way?

ruhappy #2782679 03/24/18 11:22 AM
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Just my two cents worth. If you do what you are considering it could be a HUGE mistake. If this is truly a MLC issue then there is no good time to reach out. No relationship talks, no questions, no initiating anything. He has a lot to figure out and if you don't leave him be then it might never work out.

I read this somewhere recently - your ONLY chance for reconciliation is to back way off and give him SPACE.

It takes patience - it's a very long journey. Live your own life as if he is never coming back.

Adios #2782696 03/24/18 02:41 PM
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Adios has given you excellent advice.

If your spouse is truly in MLC, he's not going to want to listen to a word you have to say. The more you push for answers or talking about the relationship, the more he's going to distance himself and what he has to say may not be what you want to hear. Don't give him any more justification for leaving...just leave him be. Allow him to work on himself and he can't do that if he's trying to figure out ways to side step you and your "talks". The best thing to do is give him all the space he needs.

Dig very deep for patience because this is not a sprint...but a marathon and it will not end soon, but could take years for him to work through his issues. Again, just leave him totally alone and allow him to come to you when he's ready. The more you listen, the more you will learn from him.

Keep the focus on you and live your life as if he may not return.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
job #2782699 03/24/18 02:54 PM
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Thank you Adios & job, I appreciate your input and will just leave him alone. He does contact me via email regarding taxes, or finances so I just do my best and keep my words respectful and minimal.

H50 M52
M30 years
H PA 2012
S 3 months 2012
R 2012
H EA ? 9/2017 same person as before
BD 2:18

ruhappy #2784073 04/04/18 02:50 PM
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Tonight thoughts
Praying for peace in eaxh iOS your hearts, protection and guidance. Getting a life by rediscovering what love means to oneself and understanding that in a healthy relationship it’s bringing your happiest best self to a relationship and choosing to walk beside another person while they walk their own individual journey that is ever changing.

Right now I am happy working on my physical health, finding peace in recognizing my flaws are part of me but don’t define me.

H is reaching out to family members to ask if I need anything and how I am doing. Not sure if it’s actaully caring or guilt but either way I surrounding myself with people who think more of me then myself and hope I will soon recognize my own value.

Last edited by job; 04/05/18 12:35 AM. Reason: added space between paragraphs
ruhappy #2784094 04/04/18 11:32 PM
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Hi

It takes time to build back some self worth after going through MLC
with a spouse

You are doing good and will find your way-


Last edited by job; 04/05/18 12:35 AM. Reason: added space between paragraphs

married 14 years
H 42
bomb 2/07 IDLYA
D final 3 /09
M ow D ow
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My state does not have legal separation per attorney . If I file for bed and board divorce his employer does not have to cover me under medical insurance. While I am receiving medical treatment he is paying all the bills but also running up large credit card debt each month on I don’t know what because I haven’t seen statements since January when I asked initially. He is paying for cc balances now out if our savings.

I have only spoken too him 2 x since feb 13th and when he emails asking anything I am respectful but short and to the point.
I know if I question this latest transfer of money and cc bill I will be met with anger and gas lighting as this is how it started in January. Thus the reason I am nor confronting or engaging anymore as I have enough going on with Troy g to get healthy again.

Don’t want a divorce, don’t want savings drained, need medical coverage right now, grateful he is paying the bills sooo what do I do? Say nothing or just have the attorney file for bed and board divorce and take my chance?

Last edited by job; 04/12/18 06:08 AM. Reason: added space between paragraphs
ruhappy #2785096 04/12/18 06:12 AM
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You asked what you should do...only you can decide that. My concern is that he is racking up credit debt. Is the credit card in both names? If so, you may end up having to pay some of this debt once you are back on your feet, especially when the savings runs out.

I suggest that you think about taking out half of the savings and put it in a safe place before it is all gone. You are entitled to half of it. It's too late when it's gone and you can't get it back from him.

Just my two cents.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
job #2786593 04/24/18 12:03 AM
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Okay question here. Just received a save the date for a October wedding addresses to both of us. Extended family is not aware of separation. So I just let it sit until a formal invitation arrives then approach H?

ruhappy #2786602 04/24/18 12:50 AM
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October is about 6 months away and anything can happen during that time. I wouldn't mention it until you have received a formal invitation. Do you want to attend the wedding? If so, when the invitation arrives, do the rsvp and if you don't want to attend, send your regrets. You aren't required to tell them why you aren't attending.

Just my two cents.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
ruhappy #2796246 06/16/18 12:59 AM
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appreciates the input. Right now I am really trying to focus on getting healthy and hope my back neuro surgeon finds a solution soon so I can return home and get back to my work. In the meantime I have lost 36 lbs since February 13 th some involuntary since I was so sick. I am also Focusing on faith and higher power also helps.

Only contact we have is via email and 99% of the time it's him initiating I keep I brief and respectful. Quick resolution is clear that it just won't solve things so definitely using this time as a gift to work on me and rediscover all I have to offer and sure up any of my short comings.

Wishing you all positive mindsets.

Last edited by job; 06/16/18 01:00 AM. Reason: edited contractions due to glitch

Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
job #2796267 06/16/18 03:39 AM
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Ruhappy, I think you are doing great with your attempts to not engage him. It's so hard to take care of ourselves when we are sad. I lost so much weight too, when it all started. Do you exercise? If you can't exercise formally, Force yourself to start walking places you normally drive, or park farther away than usual. Take the stairs instead of elevators. Start taking a walk before or after every meal. Take on projects that require physical labor -- e.g., mow the lawn of an elderly neighbor, paint your house, clean out the attic. I found that being physical helped with depression and gave me more of an appetite. Since you mentioned faith, do you know about rejoice ministries? Subscribing to those e-mails and listening to the podcasts helped me a lot because it allows you to detach through trusting God instead of just trying to change your behavior.


I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord with courage.
Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
ruhappy #2796276 06/16/18 05:42 AM
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Well after 3 months of no verbal contact H called. He sounded like he was just fishing to see what was going on with me. I answered his questions stayed positive thanked him for paying the bills, wished him a happy Father's Day and recommend a movie that I saw.

H wants to talk again after my back procedure as he doesn't want me taken off guard by paperwork so I said okay (most likely divorce paperwork and what he will offer for settlement) . He said he prefers a face to face. I said okay. He wouldn't say the words divorce and struggled like he felt guilty. So I am trying not to read into it but continue to pray he is well and happy and continuing to work on being the best person I can be..
I did bring up the save the date and october wedding for son in laws sister. He said it was very kind and something to think about.

Still getting use to treating him like a old friend any advise would be appreciated.


Last edited by job; 06/16/18 05:44 AM. Reason: edited contractions due to glitch

Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Gerda #2796280 06/16/18 06:03 AM
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Thank you Gerda, I try and get my 10,000 steps In daily and doing water aerobics for my shoulder. I will look into rejoice ministries thank you. I try and listen to positive podcast too.

ruhappy #2797189 06/21/18 12:13 PM
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I don't know if anything is the norm but I would say that that's a good thing. I don't know if other folks around here would agree, but to me as a die-hard stander, I welcome anything that indicates that we are husband and wife, since our actual life never does! I am glad when my H refers to himself as my H or me as his W even though it is by worldly standards unfair, hurtful, selfish, etc. I try to always be welcoming about such things but I know that on these boards folks would most likely advise you not to allow that stuff and to create a stronger boundary. On things like that that aren't hurting me directly, I prefer to please God than to try to set a boundary. At any rate, if I can't tell if I am doing something for my own healing or to teach H a "lesson," then I assume I am acting out of some kind of bitterness, which is the slavery I want to avoid, no matter what H does. If I can tell that a limit will allow me to have some healing, then I might limit more. But mostly for things like that I just ask God for help with my pride.


I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord with courage.
Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
ruhappy #2797367 06/22/18 07:03 AM
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Question is it common for midlife crisis or walk a way spouse to want joint gifts to be given such as childrens anniversary or funeral floral arrangements?

ruhappy #2797368 06/22/18 07:05 AM
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Praying its god softening his heart but trying not to get hopes up and yes doing my best god has a plan

job #2797369 06/22/18 07:07 AM
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Yes, it's quite normal for a walk away spouse to want to "share" in the gift giving. They do not like to spend money and they figure if you will go in half way, it's less for them, as well as sometimes, they will say they want to share and after you purchase the gift, they do not split the cost w/you. Also, it is far easier to get you to purchase the items and let others think that it is a joint effort and appearances do mean everything to them. They want the world to think you are okay w/what they have done or are doing.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
job #2797389 06/22/18 08:41 AM
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Well the good news is he paid for both. So there is that positive note.

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ruhappy #2798366 06/28/18 02:40 AM
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ruhappy #2798677 06/29/18 06:38 AM
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So I have been reflecting and praying and even if 1% of this mess my marriage is in I need to own it. What would you think if you received a letter like this?

Dear S
I am sorry for the way I may have disrespected you I didn’t understands the way my words tone and actions may have hurt you so deeply. I realize how showing you respect is so important. I will not try and justify it. I realized god put you in my life for a reason, I needed your comfort your counsel and your input in my life through the years. I also see how my fear, caring, and concern for your choices could be taken as trying to control you.Thank you for this gift of time that allowed me to heal my health, my relationship with god and reflect and let go of past. I am optimistically moving forward and thrilled to discover new interest and adventure! No matter what happens I made my final choice years ago and I choose you for better or worse. I have a redeeming love for you always and trying to understand and respect you are going through something too and need space alone.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
job #2798679 06/29/18 06:40 AM
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ruhappy,

The moderators are not here 24/7, however, we do visit periodically throughout the day. Please be patient if your posting is lost...I will be around to restore it.

Also, please refrain from using special characters. The "%" sign may have been enough to create the glitch to kick in.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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ruhappy #2799651 07/05/18 08:19 AM
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Well today is a new chapter as I am finally back in my state and came home. Just trying to remember to breath as its surreal not seeing any of his belongings and pictures taken. Today will be a one step at a time kind of day.

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